Karamea Ministry of Red Tape

Complaints Department


A New Zealand Government Department Authorised by Statute and Royal Decree to Receive Official Complaints.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Office Manager:   Red Scarlett

Red Scarlett

Senior Complaints Officer:  Jed Hooligan

Jed Hooligan

Secretary:   Cinnamon Voluptuous

Office Duck:  Quacker

Friday  9 am Office of Karamea Ministry of Red Tape 

THUMP!!! (Power fist thunder strike on front counter)

Jed Hooligan:   Oh wow! You startled me!!

TITAN MCGURK!:   Yeah. I wanna make a bloody complaint. My name is McGurk! Titan McGurk!

Jed Hooligan:   An official complaint squire?

TITAN MCGURK:   My Oath! An Official Bloody Complaint!

THUMP!!! (floor trembles, secretary’s bra strap miraculously snaps!)

Cinnamon Voluptuous:   Can someone give me a hand?

Cinnamon Voluptuous

Quackers:    Quaaaaack!!!!

Jed Hooligan:    Can you please tell me about your complaint!

TITAN MCGURK:    Yeah! I couldn’t get served a drink at The Last Resort!

Jed Hooligan:   Pourquoi??

WHACK!!!!

Jed hooligan:   Aaaghh my shnose!!!

TITAN MCGURK:     Don’t get incontinental with me sport!!!!

Red Scarlett:     Excuse me sir. I am Red Scarlett the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Office Manager. Perhaps I can help you!

Titan McGurk:    Put it there mate!

TITAN MCGURK

VIKING/VISIGOTH POWER HANDSHAKE!

Red Scarlett:    Nnngggg!! Ah… now.. ah…tell me about your complaint!

TITAN MCGURK:   I work at the Stockton Mine and The Last Resort Bar Manager said “We don’t serve Miners!”

Red Scarlett:    How old are you Mr. McGurkha?

TITAN MCGURK:    MCGURK!!!!!! You Bloody Nong!!!

Red Scarlett:   You are the rudest Miner I have ever met!!!

TITAN MCGURK!!!:   I don’t work down the bloody mine!!! I am in Public Bloody Relations!!!

Red Scarlett:  Admirably suited to such a position! And how old are you young man!

Titan McGurk:     I am sixteen years old but I could pass for 17!

Red Scarlett:   I think the Bra.. I mean Bar Manager meant Minors not Miners!

TITAN MCGURK:   You will minus your left ear in a minute if you don’t take my complaint!

Red Scarlett:   Ok You need to fill out this Karamea Ministry of Red Tape complaint form!

Titan McGurk:    How much will it cost to make an official complaint!

Red Scarlett:    Now let me look in the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Manual!

Mmmm! “Refused service of alcoholic beverage at House of Ill Repute namely The Last Resort trading as Karamea Resort Limited now in Receivership!!! Complaint 614/2

TITAN MCGURK!!!  Who said Alcoholic! I wanted a glass of Albanian Yak Milk!!

Red Scarlett:    Got it!!  Complaint 614/2-25!! Mmm! Wait a minute! Did you want Southern or Northern Albanian yak milk?

Titan McGurk:  Southern!

Red Scarlett:   Homogenised?

Titan McGurk:    YO!

Red Scarlett:    Full cream or low-fat??

Titan McGurk:  Full cream

Red Scarlett:   Fresh or curdled??

TITAN MCGURK:   Curdled!

Red Scarlett:  Mmmm! Complicated!! According to Ministry of Agriculture and Fisheries legislation, it is illegal to import, sell, display, bathe in, order or drink Southern Albanian homogenised full cream curdled yak’s milk! You have incited a felony! I must call Sergeant Paddy Locks of the Karamea Police, The maximum penalty for this offence is left testicle castration!!

Titan McGurk:    No!!! How do I escape from this!

Red Scarlett:    There is a prescribed fee that will guarantee our silence!

TITAN MCGURK:    Ok! How much?

Red Scarlett:    We will take your girlfriend Zaboodla as a deposit for starters!

TITAN MCGURK:    Ha you bloody mug! It’s a deal! She is a really cheap boring date! She only eats bubble gum, she can only speak text language and she is a virgin!! Yeah and she’ll need another brain transplant after the last episode of Sponge Bob Square Pants this arvo!!

Red Scarlett:   A virgin! Excellent! She can work here as our Ethics Manager!

Jed Hooligan:    (Whisper) But we don’t have any ethics! That is why we are so successful!

Red Scarlett:   (Whisper) ETHICS   Eelleagal Trickeree Haynus Imbezzlemint Chicanerous Subtarfuge!!

Jed Hooligan:  What a maestro!!

Red Scarlett:   Do you still wish to pursue your Official Complaint Mr. McGurk?

TITAN MCGURK:   NO! BLOODY NO!

Red Scarlett:   There is a prescribed cancellation fee!  Mmmm! Twenty two thousand five hundred dollars!

Titan McGurk:   Aaagghhh!!

Red Scarlett:   I can give you a twenty percent discount if you agree to kick back the GST to our office social fund!

TITAN McGURK!   :   I’m caught between a sandwich and a hard place so ok!

Red Scarlett:    Now have a special coffee and sign here!

TITAN McGURK:    Life Insurance Transferral Form?? S L > U > R > P!!!
X  T.i.t.a.n  M.c.G.u.r.k  X

Jed Hooligan:   Congratulations! You young sir are the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape’s 1000th customer and your prize is a free ride in our office Intergalactic Cosmostron!

Intergalactic Cosmostron

TITAN McGURK:    It looks like a giant microwave and there is crusty pumpkin all over the walls!

SLAM!!!!

Red Scarlett:   Quick Jed thirty minutes medium high!!!

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!  DING!!!

Jed Hooligan:    Right open the door and we will put him in the back of the office pick up truck. There is a smorgasbord at The Last Resort  today for lunch!! The chef will swap us a strawberry pavlova for fricasseed Titan!

The Last Resort

TITAN McGURK:     Yeehah! What a ride dudes! Hey my acne is cured and wow what a suntan!

Red Scarlett:    Ai caramba!  Umm can you hold onto this electrode for me for a couple of seconds!!

TITAN McGURK!:    Ok but what …ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzztttttttttttttttttttTT!!!!!!

Jed Hooligan:    I set the transformer for 10,000 volts!!

Red Scarlett:    Wow look at the smoke coming out of his ears!!

Jed Hoolgan:    Yowser!! His shoes are melting and his hair has gone all curly!!

TITAN McGURK!:    Whoaa!!! My tinnitus is gone and I just saw a vision of Jesus!!

Red Scarlett    :    Incredible ! Daniel in the Old Testament!  Mesach, Shadrach and Abnego!!! Right Plan B!

Jed Hooligan:    That was Plan B!

TITAN McGurk:   I am going to church to repent!!

Red Scarlett:   We will take you there in the office limo!!

TITAN McGURK!:   That’s a D8 bulldozer!!

Jed Hooligan:   The crank handle is up front Titan! Can you give it a rev up?

TITAN McGurk:    I can’t see the crank ha…

S..  Q..  U..  I .. S..  H!!!!

TITAN McGURK:  Ouch!!!

Sergeant Paddy Locks:   Stick em up Titan! You are under arrest for impersonating a pancake!!

Sergeant Paddy Locks

TITAN MCGURK:    Never!

Kaboom!!! Kaboom!!!

TITAN MCGURK:  Aaachoo!!!

Quackers:    Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

S..C..R..U..N..C..H!!! in the goolies!!!

TITAN McGURK!!!:    Aaaagghhh…..

Sergeant Paddy Locks:    Yikes!   He;s dead!! Right Quacker! I am booking you Murder 1!

Quackers:     Raaaaahhh!!!!!!!  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

Sergeant Paddy Locks:       Get that crazy homicidal duck away from me!

Quackers:     Raaaaaaaaaallfffffffffffffff!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sergeant Paddy Locks:    Plea bargain? Sure!!

Quackers:     Woooollllllllffff!!!

Sergeant Paddy Locks:    Twenty four hours in the slammer with immediate release for good behaviour?  Ok!

Quackers:    Purrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

Jed Hooligan:      Yowser! Look!!! Titan has turned to dust!!

Sergeant Paddy Locks:   Wow!! I need a raspberry fizzy drink!

Jed Hooligan:   I need a cuddle from Cinnamon!

Red Scarlett:    I need a Bloody Mary!

Cinnamon Voluptuous:    I need a real man!!

Quackers:   Ole ole ole!

A Real Man

About LivinginPeaceProject

Paul Murray is the founder of the LivinginPeace Project. www.livinginpeace.com Paul originally from Australia, but have been living in New Zealand for eight years. Before that he was in Japan for a decade working as a journalist. He met his wife Sanae in Japan and they married in 2008.
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