Office Manager: Red Scarlett
Senior Complaints Officer: Jesus of Nazareth aka Yeshua
Office Receptionist: Sugar Plum
Tea Princess: Natalia Razorskiskiski
Ministry of Red Tape Offices:Market Cross 9.25 a.m. Monday August 1st 2012
Jesus of Nazareth: Wotcha Cobba!
Rangi: Hey bro!
Jesus of Nazareth: Yeah mate, do you wish to make a complaint?
Rangi: Yeah cuz!
Jesus of Nazareth: Spit it out sport!
Rangi: Yow! What is that golden circle around your head bro!
Jesus of Nazareth: A halo. Got it from the $2 shop!
Jesus of Nazareth: Ok now tell me. Do you wish your complaint to be an official complaint?
Rangi: Yo bro! I caught me missus cheating at cards last night and I’m right #%^#@$%%^$#!
Jesus of Nazareth: Profanity does not profit a disciple mate!
Rangi: Sorry cuz! Maybe cheating is a bit strong!
Jesus of Nazareth: What card game were you playing?
Rangi: No bro! The missus was playing solitaire and she’s peeking!
Jesus of Nazareth: The inscrutable Chinese never indulge in cheating cobba!
Rangi: Fuck off mate! She hasn’t got a scrutum, she a bitch!
Jesus of Nazareth: Righto cobba. Let me consult the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Official Complaints Manual. Ah! Here we go. Official Complaint 23:12
“To whit … Rangi’s bitch of a missus playing solitaire… blah…blah…blah…Peking scrutum… blah…blah…blah…fowl language…. blah…blah..blah…. right out of order…blah…blah…blah..” That will be $285 trillion dollars plus $67 zillion in Imperial War Tax!”
Rangi: You what?
Jesus of Nazareth: In cash! I’ll be goddamned if I’ll take another dodgy cheque!!
Rangi: #@&* me. I would need to sell my all my Superhero Comics and my original Mad magazine to raise that sort of dosh mate!
Jesus of Nazareth: Next!!!!
Rangi: Wait a minute cuz! I aint finished yet! You called my missus a bitch!! Step outside and let’s settle this with a fight. You can have the first shot!
Jesus of Nazareth: If you want to fight you must go three rounds with our office Hyena, Cucumber!
Rangi: Easy as dude! Cucumber is a big pussy!
Red Scarlett: Round 1!
%$#@&&* Scrontch…..#@%&*^%#& Rooomph!
Rangi: #$%###!!! mongrel ate me leather cowboy boots!!!
Red Scarlett: Round 2!
$#&**&#!! Yakhatt…..$%#!*&% Scroncha……$%#!&&^%
Rangi: Hyena eyeballs Yummy! Burp!
Jesus of Nazareth: Cucumber! Be healed in the name of Jesus!!
Cucumber: Rowlf!! Rowlf!!
Rangi: Strewth man, that is a good party trick!
Jesus of Nazareth: Believe to receive!
Rangi: Look cuz at this grey hair I sprouted last night, can you cure that!
Jesus of Nazareth: Extend thine forehead my cobba!
Red Scarlett: Look in the mirror, sir! A divine miracle!
Rangi: Wow! Can you also cure this wandering eye for me!
Jesus of Nazareth: If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out!
Rangi: Aaaaggh! Can you now heal my eye!!
Jesus of Nazareth: Heal thy self great physician! Wash yourself seven times in the River of Jordan, and sacrifice seven fatted calves in the Plain of Al Harramech and you will be healed cobba!
Red Scarlett: Jesus! What a great shot! In one ear and out the other, and not a trace of blood on my new high heel stiletto”s. Miracles signs and wonders will never cease!
Jesus of Nazareth: Hey! What about my raise?
Red Scarlett: Ok ok! 25 sheikles per hour and free pork pies for a month!
Natalia Razorskiskiski: Anyone for a cup of tea!
Sugar Plum: Kapitain Kangaroo is on Channel three!!
Red Scarlett: Compulsory stop work meeting in the television room now!
Cucumber: Kapitain Kangaroo! Arf arf!
Sugar Plum: A talking Hyena!! Wow!
Red Scarlett: Another divine miracle Mr. Nazireth??
Jesus of Nazareth: No! I didn’t write this tripe into the script!
Sugar Plum: Are we just someone’s fantasy masquerading as fictional characters in a non existent Governement Department???
DJ PUKEKO: Hah ha ha! I invented you all and you all stink! Ha ha ha! And I’ll have a tea with two sugars!
Natalia Razorskiskiski: Can you write in the script that I have big exciting knockers?
DJ Pukeko: No, but I can throw in a new staff member Roger the Laughing Dildo. ha ha haaa!
Roger Dildo: Ha ha ha!
Jesus of Nazareth: Can you write in the script that I can walk on water, heal the lame, the blind and I don’t deserve to be crucified.and(whisper … whisper)
DJ Pukeko: (whisper….what do you want Jesus son of Joseph and Mary!)
Jesus of Nazareth: (whisper…I quite fancy Sugar Plum.. hint hint!!)
DJ PUKEKO: (whisper ..You a saintly prophet you are not allowed a girlfriend!!)
Jesus of Nazareth: (Censored expletives!!)
DJ PUKEKO: To economise, I am writing cups of tea out of the script!!
Roger Dildo: Can I have a glass of water!
DJ PUKEKO: You are a dildo! Dildo’s don’t drink water!
Roger Dildo: Oh! Sorry I forgot!
Red Scarlett: Step forth and prove yourself Jesus!
Jesus of Nazareth: It shall be done!
Roger Dildo: Holy Cow! Chateau Lafayette 1925 Private Bin!
Natalia Razorskiskiski: Salut!
Sugar Plum: Skol!
Jesus of Nazareth: Cheers and Beers!! Hey Cucumber easy on the turps, you’ll turn into a vegetable!
Red Scarlett: Look Kapitain Kangaroo is being chased through the outback by a wicked witch on a broomstick!
DJ PUKEKO: Hey, I didn’t write that into the script!!
Red Scarlett: I call the shots in the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape DJ Pukeko. From now you obey me!
DJ PUKEKO: I will obey mistress ( what a babe…!))
Red Scarlett: Excellent and Miss Scarlett to you!!
DJ PUKEKO: Say, Miss Scarlett, can I get an Alfred Hitchcock walk through in the upcoming movie “Karamea Ministry of Red Tape and Client That Got Away!”
Red Scarlett: No client leaves this office alive ever! So no!
DJ PUKEKO: Boo hoo hoo!