The Rongolian Star: Issue No. 6 May 2011

Mt Stormy 

“Moo” the KarameaWonderDog Royally Recognised for Mountaineering Feat

Her Royal Majesty Queen Elizabeth II


Please standby! Her Royal Majesty  Queen Elizabeth II is ready to make an auspicious announcement from Buckingham Palace.

Pheeleep : Auspicious Liz??

Queen Liz : Shhhhh Petal! Ahhem!! To all my loyal subjects Prince Pheeleep and I are pleased to announce that one of her Majesty’s loyal subjects Supermoo magnificently aided by his tenacious Sherpa Cockman has this very day conquered Mt. Stormy, Arapito, West Coast, South Island, New Zealand….”

Pheeleep : “ Oh! What O Liz!!!”

Queen Liz “ Quiet Buttercup!!! I haven’t finished yet!”

“And they approach the third jump The Tiger and Lord Melchford takes it dutifully in his stride followed by Sunderland Castle and…

Queen Liz : “ Pheeleep!!! Really!!! Turn that off!! I am live on air to the world!!”

Pheeleep “ But… but… it’s the fifth at Cheltenham and I’ve got a pony on Lady Godiva”

Queen Liz : “Ahem. Pardon me!”    Smack!!!

Pheeleep : “Ouch!! You bitch!!”

Queen Liz : “Where was I? Yes. Indeed, Woofus and Wodger the Woyal Corgis also offer their felicitations. Prince Pheeleep and I are also pleased to announce a knighthood and life peerage for Super Moo the Karamea Wonder Dog. Arf arf!

Her Royal Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

Wodger

Liz and Wodger the Woyal Corgie

SuperMoo

Sherpa CockMan: Training for the ascent of Mt Stormy


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Rongolian Kaleidoscope: Art at Rongo

http://www.shotakawahara.com


Vois a cela! Qu’est ce que c’est que ca? C’est un objet d’art de Shota au Kristin au Platt au Mademoiselle Chocolat!!! Des photographes de Paul, de Norma et Monsieur Le Coq!

Rongo is extremely privileged to have an art collection that Le Louvre would be proud of. Behold a  series of works by Dave Besseling that explore the artistic symmetry of planetary mandelas which display a silent holistic dichotomy of rhetorical rambunctious obfuscated egalitarianism and esoteric infinitesimalism interwoven with an organically inspired holographic spiritual solitude … what ..  time for my .. medication .. g.u.l.p..  “Zzztttttt!!!!” …..yeah mate bewdy, what ya reckon cobba? yeah bloody oath! giz anuva can of Foster’s sport! Jeez Bruce, the more I drink the better this art gets!! 

http://www.davebesseling.com

Yeah, well you got ya Norma Burrowes, ya bloody mates like Ponzi, Adrian, Platt, Le Marron?, strewth what did he have for breakfast?? Sheilas like Jill baby, Victoria, Mimi humba bumba!!!, Debbie van der Boom, good old team Sweden, hic!, Marie and Anna, Kate, Sarah, Medveyer, Priska, hic!  Julia, Lena, Katie, Mitsato, Daisy… Daisy from Columbia!! yeah mate lots of babes contributed, some hot mommas too Oowoooo!!!! 

http://www.normaburrowes.com

Then of course one must examine the superlative potpourri of art on the ceilings, doors, cupboards and walls of Rongo that could adorn the Cistine Chapel in the Vatican alongside Michael Angelo and be equally as mysterious and equally as soulfully spellbinding. The intrinsic and altruistic sublimation exuded from the very pores of these living breathing….. Pon my word, my medication is wearing off!! Make haste Falstaff!

“Glug glug glug !!”

My oath bloody bonza!!!

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Anzac Day

Karamea’s fallen soldiers were honoured on Anzac day by the placing of wreaths outside Karamea School. Relatives of Karamea’s Fallen Soldiers and Returned Servicemen also placed many RSA poppies.

The Mayor and the Buller District Council, the Market Cross Community Group and the Karamea Returned Servicemen’s Association laid wreaths.

World War I  Honour Roll of the Fallen Soldiers :C. Abbott, K. Douglas, B. Foster, C. Issell, J. Jenkins, T. Jenkins, A. Kidd, C. Lucas, W. Lineham,  J. Neilson, V. Neilson,  E. Simms, J. Steel, W. Jeffries

World War II Honour Roll of Fallen Soldiers : W. Jefferies, H.A. Manson, R.L. Scarlett, T.R. Scarlett

For The Fallen

…………….

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old: Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn. At the going down of the sun and in the morning We will remember them.

……………

Robert Laurence Binyon 1869 -1943, who celebrated his 70th anniversary on 10 August 1939, says: “I can’t recall the exact date beyond that it was shortly after the retreat. I was set down, out of doors, on a cliff in Polzeath, Cornwall. The stanza “They Shall Grow Not Old” was written first and dictated the rhythmical movement of the whole poem.”

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Right Said Fred “‘Nother Cup of Tea

Karamea’s vinegar and scrape brigade and indeed fortunate to have the indomitable Dave“Cheese Scone” Roberts on call to for elderly visitations.

Monday 9 am

Dave  “Orright then Fred?”

Fred “Ah!! Wots that??””

Dave “Wozzup you deaf old beggar?”

Fred “ Ah .. I .. ohh ..aah!”

Dave “Right let’s go to work! Attention!! About Face!! By the left quick march, right turn left wheel!! Ok Vacuum cleaning, dishes, clean the windows, do the laundry!!”

Fred “How come I do all the work and you sit in my easi chair and eat all my marshmallow toffees??”

Dave “Got any cheese scones??”

Fred “Why I do I have to do all the jobs??”

Dave “ Right! That’s it!! Give me 20 pressups. I mean Now!!! And don’t forget to clean my car!!”

Fred “ Bastard!!”

Dave “ B.. o…. o … t ..!!”

Fred “ Ow!!b What was that for??”

Dave “ Not sure!!”

Fred “ Don’t eat all my …”

Dave “ Sccrruummpphhh!! Burp!!”

Fred “Can I stop for a cup of tea?”

Dave “Cup ‘a’ tea??? Cup ‘a’ tea??  Are you mad?? We didn’t beat the Hun by having cups of tea!! Work!!! Sccrruummpphhh!!”

Fred “ I’m 93 and I need a walker and you’re working me like a slave!!”

Dave “Right ‘Nother 20 pressups!! Now!!!

Dave “ C’mon Fred 1…. 2…. Fred!! You’re turning purple!! Cripes!! C’mon Fred push through the pain barrier!! It will be worth it in the long run!! C’mon Fred 3!!  ..  c’mon 4!! Fred???
Orright Fred?? Fred??!! Your face looks like a sunburnt beetroot. Fred??!!

Fred” a…h  …..a h ….o …h.. a a ……….”

Dave “Fred!!! Oh my God!!! Ok don’t panic!! Emergency 111

111 “Address, Emergency and name please!”

Dave “Help!! Emergency!! Help!! Ai Caramba!!”

111 “Ok slow down deep breath!! Now tell me your emergency!!

Dave “ Well …. Well … I’ve got a chronic…… case of …… indigestion!!””

111 “Is that you Dave??”

Dave “ Well yeah!”

111 “ According to the computer you are at Fred’s!! Is he alright??”

Dave “He’s run out of gingernuts!!”

111 “ Dave!! Is Fred still alive??”

Dave” Well … sort of..!!”

111 “Dave!! For God’s sake that is the third elderly person this week you have knocked off!!”

Dave “My record’s four!!”

111 “Ok!! Dave you need to prepare a report!!”

Dave “ Where am I going wrong??”

111 “Did Fred clean your car before he gave up the ghost??

Dave” Yeah he did!”

111 “Well Dave! Pat yourself on the back then!!”

Dave “ What am I going to do with his cat Fluffy?”

111 “Mmmm right we can’t leave any witnesses” Drink some of Fred’s whisky for Dutch courage and then give his moggy 30 minutes on medium high in the microwave!”

Dave “S ..l..u..r..pp!! S..luurrpp!!  Sss ll..u..rrr.ppp!!!S .L..U..R..PPPP!!!”

111 “Dave!! I meant a snifter!!”

Dave “S llllll u rrr pppp!!!!

111 “ Dave?? What are you doing?? “

Dave “Heez shgot a shbotttle of Shgordons Shgin too!!”

111 “ Dave!! The police will be there in 5 minutes I’ve alerted the Karamea Police!!

Dave “havshtnDt nookked Flooffy shyet!!”

Police “This is the Police!! Hang ten or we shoot to kill!!”

“Hissssss!!!!!!”

Police “ Kaboom!! Kaboom!! Kaboom!!!”

Fluffy “Scwrooowlll!!”

Dave “ Shdear Gawd!! Shank heavensshoo shgot her ejoost in time to save me from Fluffy. He killed Shfred!!”
Karamea Police “ Police Control from Karamea Police”

Police Control “Go ahead Karamea Police!”

Karamea Police “Yeah Roger Control!! Shot and fatally wounded the offender and rescued Dave again and there are still two cheese scones left!!

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Off the Top of My Head:

Defenestration: Medieval social justice: 

By Paul Murray

Defenestration could be considered the Eastern European version of witch burning, which was more popular in Western Europe.  Suspects were tossed out a window…if they survived the fall (or more the sudden stop at the end of the fall), they were free to go, however, if they died, they were considered to be guilty as charged.The practice gained popularity as an equitable trial system and was soon practiced in France, Belguim, Portugal, Spain, Italy and in Poland, Russian troops defenestrated Chopin’s piano…(in brutal, definite and dramatic forms of musical criticism, no one can shade the Russians!).
Apparently, some of the more determined peasants actually bounced on the ground below and survived their defenestration trials, which led to the authorities upping the ante as the crime rate started to drop and the aristocratic rulers (such as “Václav the Mad a Czech ruler, an enthusiastic sadist  and prolific defenestrator, who once “accidentally” shot a monk while hunting) couldn’t continue to justify the practice of throwing innocent people out of windows…so taller castles were built on craggy rock outcrops for the purpose of defenestration, which inevitably led to an increase in the conviction rate. Many a righteous serf had their innocence dashed on the cobblestones and jagged rocks adjacent Prague castles after being tossed out a window to measure their guilt.
One of the leading causes of accidental death in Bohemia in the Middle Ages, was having suspected criminals land on you. Cautious Czechs often developed stiff necks and occasionally injured themselves by walking into posts as a result of looking skyward on constant guard of falling defendants.Cheerful Czechs celebrate their barbarous history with reenactments of famous defenestrations in an annual festival whereby several willing citizens are thrown to their deaths before cheering crowds of history buffs and tourists assembled to remember this dark chapter of Czech past.Defenestration, although now outlawed in favour of less Draconian justice measures like the electric chair, continues to be practiced in many countries.
Recent examples of defenestration include:
  • In 1993, Toronto lawyer Garry Hoy fell to his death after attempting to demonstrate the strength of his office tower’s windows.
  • On March 2, 2007, Russian investigative journalist Ivan Safronov, who was researching the Kremlin’s covert arms deals, fell to his death from a fifth floor window. Friends and colleagues discount suicide as a reason and an investigation was opened looking into possible “incitement to suicide”.
  • In 2007 in Gaza, Hamas killed a Fatah supporter by defenestration, an act repeated the next day when a Hamas supporter was defenestrated by Fatah.
  • Recently, in 2009, the Malaysian Anti-Corruption Commission held several witnesses overnight for questioning. One witness,Teoh Beng Hock, was found dead on the roof of an adjacent building. Public outrage led to the formation of a Royal Commission of Inquiry which is ongoing. And, most recently, in April 2011, a Customs officer under investigation was found dead outside an MACC office.

 ****NB: Here in Sunny Karamea, our crime rate is low and perpetrators are usually found to be innocent, but perhaps only as our buildings are single-story and our ground smooth and soft…and usually lawned.

 Interesting facts on Defenestration from Wikipedia:

Scientific Studies: In 1942, safety pioneer Hugh DeHaven published the classic Mechanical analysis of survival in falls from heights of fifty to one hundred and fifty feet. DeHaven’s work on survival in defenestrations was instrumental in the development of the seat belt.

Self-defenestration (jumping out of a window)

Self-defenestration (autodefenestration) is the act of jumping, propelling oneself, or causing oneself to fall, out of a window. This phenomenon played a notable role in such events as the Triangle Shirtwaist fire9/11, and other disasters; it is also a method of suicide.

There is also an urban legend that Wall Street investors jumped out of windows during the 1929 stock market crash.

In the United States, self-defenestration is among the least common methods of committing suicide (typically less than 2% of all reported suicides in the United States for 2005).

In Hong Kong, jumping is the most common method (from any location) of committing suicide, accounting for 52.1% of all reported suicide cases in 2006, and similar rates for the years prior to that. The Centre for Suicide Research and Prevention of the University of Hong Kong believes that it may be due to the abundance of easily accessible high-rise buildings in Hong Kong (implying that much of the jumping is out of windows or from roof tops).

Heaphy Track MTBs Irk IRD
DOC brands one-day riders “tax evaders.”

By Paul Murray

Melanie Miller 1st Female Rider to Complete Heaphy Track on May 1, 2011

The Inland Revenue Department today acted on a report by the Department of Conservation that mountain bikers cycling the Heaphy Track in a single day were utilising a tax-payer funded public facility for free and thereby avoiding their civic, patriotic and national responsibility to the State, the People of Aotearoa and the Nation’s coffers.

Such selfish and unpatriotic behaviour has been deemed by DOC and the IRD as “treasonous” and have vowed to persecute perpetrators and prosecute to the full extent of the law. Mountain bikers found guilty of tax-evasion and thereby treason will be subjected to a rigorous public trial, media exposure, ridicule and denouncement by friends and family and inevitable incarceration in maximum security prisons never again to see the light of day.

Rightly so said local DOC heavyweight Dick Bobson (and VERY amateur poet) in a press release recently. “It’s user-pays these days/mountain bike riders (and other insiders)/ should take responsibility and not ride for free…do you see?”

Spokesman for the West Coast Mountain Biking Association Mr. Samson “Pedals” Elijah added weight to the assertions by the two government departments when he said, “Cycling the Heaphy Track is a privilege made possible by the sweat of tax-payers brows. To abuse the facility without paying is tantamount to lèse-majesté and perpetrators should be apprehended on arrival in Karamea, taken to the police cell, be introduced to Sergeant Windy Locks (the local hairdresser) and given a damn good short back and sides.” (Other penalties provided apparently include;  Brazilian body waxing, anal bleaching, pubic electrolysis and water boarding).

West Coast MTB Association Spokesman Samson "Pedals" Elijah (Currently in prison for walking the Heaphy Track without paying hut fees)


Heaphy Track mountain biker and tax cheat Mr Bill Swindler of Golden Bay said on completing the Heaphy Track on the opening day of May 1, 2011, “I started riding and sunrise and arrived at the Kohaihai Shelter (which was built with public $pondoolie) at 2:30 p.m. and I have to say, that was the most fun I’ve ever had avoiding tax in my career as a tithe dodger…I only wish the track was a little longer so that I could get a full day’s graft in…perhaps I’ll ride a little slower on my way home and get my money’s worth.” When asked to elaborate, Mr Swindler added, “I’m a tax-payer, I’ve worked hard all my life, I believe I am entitled to use public facilities that I have helped pay build for free and without the stigma of public ridicule and slander.”

Mr Swindler’s’ comments raised the issue of the hut fees on the Heaphy Track, which are currently $30.60 per night, which does seem rather steep given the lack of electricity, hot water, linen, Sky TV, and broadband Internet, all of which are available at Rongo Backpackers & Gallery (www.rongobackpackers.com) for as little as $24 per night with the fourth night free. Mr Bobson from DOC responded with the following statement, “The huts on the Heaphy Track are to provide shelter and warmth to New Zealanders and visitors to our country who are walking or cycling through the fabulous Kahurangi National Park and the hut fees contribute to the maintenance of the huts, track and other facilities along the way to ensure the comfort, safety and enjoyment of the people…while the facilities may not be five-star, the experience most certainly is and DOC believes people will appreciate this and allow themselves to be gouged accordingly.”

Rongo Backpackers owner, and Karamea Radio disc jockey DJ Crap said, “The Heaphy Track is a five star experience and Rongo Backpackers provides cyclists and trampers with a little five-star luxury accommodation at the end of the experience…soak in a firebath, watch a movie in the in-house theatre, guest DJ on the local radio station 107.5 FM, catch up on the latest news, update FaceBook posts, tweets, blogs etc on the WiFi Internet service, enjoy a “Heaphy Conqueror’s Feast of locally grown, organic, nutritious, healthy seasonal and fresh food after a hot shower and a cold beer…all for less than the cost of a night on the Heaphy Track…and I should also mention that every 4th night at Rongo is free!” “Book ahead to avoid disappointment,” he added.

Whatever the outcome of the debate on tax-evasion, the Heaphy Track will remain open to trampers and cyclists to enjoy and it is hoped by all concerned that the three-year mountain biking trial on the Heaphy Track will prove mutually beneficial for DOC, the IRD, The General Public, Mountain Biking and Tramping Clubs, local businesses in both Golden Bay and Karamea, the fantastic flora and fauna and spectacular scenery of the Kahurangi National Park…and for the national economy. Mountain bikers who seek to ride the track in a single day and avoid their responsibility to the national coffers are asked to make a generous donation to the Department of Conservation to do their part to help make this trial a big success so that future generations of New Zealanders can continue to enjoy and ultilse such splendid public facilities as the Heaphy Track.

Labour List MP Damien O'Connor and Friends enjoy a ride to the Heaphy Hut and back on May 1, 2011, opening day of the Heaphy Track to MTBers.

 (Are the honourable MP and his Friends tax cheats? DOC and the IRD think so, The Rongolian Star welcomes reader feedback on this issue)

For more information contact the Department of Conservation Perfidy Hotline on: 0800 1080 1080

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The Rongolian Star Picture of the Month: Kohaihai River Mouth: Scenery at the Karamea End of the Heaphy Track

(Photo by Paul Murray)


About LivinginPeaceProject

Paul Murray is the founder of the LivinginPeace Project. www.livinginpeace.com Paul originally from Australia, but have been living in New Zealand for 14 years. Before that he was in Japan for a decade working as a journalist. He met his wife Sanae in Japan and they married in 2008.
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3 Responses to The Rongolian Star: Issue No. 6 May 2011

  1. Damien says:

    not tax cheats.I’m not fit enough to do the whole track in one day!!! all has gone well by all accounts so wonderful progress for Karamea and the whole region 🙂

  2. Home Page says:

    We are a grolup of volunteers aand starting a new scheme in our community.

    Your web site offered us with valuable info to work on. You’ve done a formidable job and our whole community
    will be grateful to you.

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