A New Zealand Government Department Authorised by a Rhetorically Ambiguous Act of Parliament and Compounded by Tacitly Implied Royal Approval to Receive Official Complaints.
Office Manager: Red Scarlett
Senior Complaints Officer: ComplicaTed Simon
Office Bimbo : Scrumptious Starfire
Tea Person : Lady Millicent Braxnall XXIII
General Dogsbody : Super Moo the Karamea Wonder Dog
Market Cross – Office of the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape 9.15 am Wednesday February 31st
Muggins Zanzibar : Hic! Hawo! Earyagun!
Ted Simon : I am in extremely good health and fine spirits sir, but I venture to suggest that you are rather inebriated and dire need of a haircut!
Muggins Zanzibar : Shrunk! Nyever!
Ted Simon : I gather from your aggravated demeanour and your dishevelled appearance that you are here to make a serious complaint!
Muggins Zanzibar : Ssstrewth!
Ted Simon : An Official complaint in accordance with Section 1 of the Official Complaints Act?
Muggins Zanzibar : B…a…r…fff!!!!!!!!
Red Scarlett : Mmm! You sir, have breached Code of Conduct Ordinance 21 by regurgitating… mmmm??? Carrots on our new office linoleum!!
Muggins Zanzibar : B … a… r….ffff!!!!!!
Ted Simon : Beetroot Yoghurt!!!!
Lady Millicent Braxnall XXIII : How do you do??
Red Scarlett : I have a special mission for you Lady Millicent. Need to know basis! For your eyes only. Hush hush!! Wink wink! Nudge nudge! Say no more! Say no more!
Lady Millicent : How enthralling! Do tell!
Red Scarlett : You will need to disguise yourself as a cleaning lady. You will also need to get a bucket and a mop and some napalm from the armoury!
Lady Millicent Braxnall XXIII : Mum’s the word!
Red Scarlett : Lady Millicent This unfortunate man in the process of spilling his guts whilst making an official complaint did exactly that on our new linoleum!
Lady Millicent Braxnall XXIII : B…a…r…ffff!!!!
Red Scarlett : Harden up Lady Millicent. Secret missions are always tough!
Lady Millicent Braxnall XXIII : How extraordinary sir! You appear to in possession of a superfluous nasal hair!
Muggins Zanzibar : Ooooooh!!! Aaaaggghhh!!! You bloody bitch, you kicked me in the goolies!!
Lady Millicent XXIII : Oh bother! Anatomy was never one of my strong subjects at St. Delilah’s Finishing School for Girls!
Red Scarlett : Please tell me the nature of your complaint!
Muggins Zanzibar : Shi got shbraynwashed at the Karamea bible shtudy last night!!!
Red Scarlett : Right troops!! Combat Alert! This is a Priority 1 Official Complaint!!!
Ted Simon : Yessir!!
Lady Millicent Braxnall XXIII : Sah!
SuperMoo : Ralf!!!
Scrumptious Starfire : Is my hair alright??? I’m not showing too much cleavage am I???
Red Scarlett : Please elucidate us on the devious machinations of last night’s Karamea Bible Study!
Ted Simon : Tape Recorder activated! Sir!
Muggins Zanzibar : Well, the parable of the Good Samaritan shmeans you should help your fellow man when he shtumbles! Ya??
Red Scarlett : Indeed! Go on my good man!
Muggins Zanzibar : So what say your worst enemy happens to stumble after ravishing your wife!
Red Scarlett : Forgive! Seventy times seven!!
Muggins Zanzibar : And my wife??
Red Scarlett : Publicly stoned to death during Market Cross’ Saturdays Morning Market!!
Muggins Zanzibar : But the good book says “ Let he is without sin cast the first stone!”
Red Scarlett : Ok have her hung, drawn and quartered instead by all the angry kiddies who missed out on getting their faces painted! Problem!! Solution!!
Muggins Zanzibar : Are you a Catholic?
Red Scarlett : No I’m an infintissemalist!
Muggins Zanzibar : Like your shtyle! Hic!
Red Scarlett : How were you brainwashed??
Muggins Zanzibar : Shwell after Bible Study we had our regular drinking games!!!
Red Scarlett : Incredible!!!
Muggins Zanzibar : Shwallowed enough Holy Communion to see a double vision! Hic!
Ted Simon : I knew I should have gone to Bible study last night! Bloody AA meetings!!!
Muggins Zanzibar : Zen when the assembled got me completely yogenberried the brainwashing started! Really frightening!!
Red Scarlett : I need complete silence troops! Now every fine detail of this bizarre affair needs to be accurately recorded!
Muggins Zanzibar : There was this strange man with crazy blood shot eyes! He scratched his eyeballs when I scratched mine! He sneezed when I sneezed! It was like Voodoo!!
Red Scarlett : Can you describe this man for our official records!
Muggins Zanzibar : Well he had two eyes in the middle of his forehead and two … no three nostrils!!
Ted Simon : Where did the brainwashing take place?
Muggins Zanzibar : In the bathroom in front of the vanity unit! Hic!
Red Scarlett : Mmmmm! Look deep into this mirror and tell me if this looks like the culprit?
Muggins Zanzibar : Aaaaaaagggghhhhhh!!! Get behind thee!!!
Scrumptious Starfire : Boss! You didn’t extract our usual outrageously extravagant fee before you anaesthatised him!
Red Scarlett : Lady Millicent! I have another highly urgent top secret mission for you to perform!
Lady Braxnall Millicent XXIII : Let me guess!! A cup of tea???
Red Scarlett : Sarcasm does not become you Lady Millicent!! Carry on and don’t forget to wipe the whole office for fingerprints!!!
Super Moo : Awoooooooooo!!!!
Ted Simon : The sight of blood too much for your delicate constitution Super Moo???
Super Moo : Awoooooooo!!!!
Ted Simon : Here! Have a forequarter!!!
SuperMoo : B… a…r…ffff!!!!!