A New Zealand Government Department Authorised by a Rhetorically Ambiguous Act of Parliament and Compounded by Tacitly Implied Royal Approval to Receive Official Complaints.

Office Manager:    Red Scarlett

Red Scarlett

Senior Complaints Officer:   ComplicaTed Simon

ComplicaTed Simon

Office Bimbo    :    Scrumptious Starfire

Scrumptious Starfire

Tea Person   :   Lady Millicent Braxnall XXIII

Lady Millicent Braxnall XXIII

General Dogsbody   :   Super Moo the Karamea Wonder Dog

SuperMoo the Karamea WonderDog

Market Cross   – Office of the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape 9.15 am Wednesday February 31^st

Muggins Zanzibar  :   Hic!  Hawo!   Earyagun!

Muggins Zanzibar

Ted Simon   :   I am in extremely good health and fine spirits sir, but I venture to suggest that you are rather inebriated and dire need of a haircut!

Muggins Zanzibar    :    Shrunk!  Nyever!

Ted Simon    :    I gather from your aggravated demeanour and your dishevelled appearance that you are here to make a serious complaint!

Muggins Zanzibar   :   Ssstrewth!

Ted Simon    :    An Official complaint in accordance with Section 1 of the Official Complaints Act?

Muggins Zanzibar   :     B…a…r…fff!!!!!!!!

Red Scarlett   :   Mmm! You sir, have breached Code of Conduct Ordinance 21 by regurgitating…  mmmm???  Carrots on our new office linoleum!!

Muggins Zanzibar    :   B … a…  r….ffff!!!!!!

Ted Simon   :    Beetroot Yoghurt!!!!

Beep beep!  

Lady Millicent Braxnall XXIII   :   How do you do??

Red Scarlett   :   I have a special mission for you Lady Millicent. Need to know basis!  For your eyes only. Hush hush!! Wink wink!  Nudge nudge! Say no more! Say no more!

Lady Millicent   :   How enthralling! Do tell!

Red Scarlett   :  You will need to disguise yourself as a cleaning lady. You will also need to get a bucket and a mop and some napalm from the armoury!

Lady Millicent Braxnall XXIII   :   Mum’s the word!

Lady Millicent Braxnall XXIII (Cleverly disguised as a cleaning lady)

Red Scarlett    :    Lady Millicent This unfortunate man in the  process of spilling his guts whilst making an official complaint did exactly that on our new linoleum!

Lady Millicent Braxnall XXIII   :    B…a…r…ffff!!!!

Red Scarlett   :    Harden up Lady Millicent. Secret missions are always tough!

Lady Millicent Braxnall XXIII   :   How extraordinary sir! You appear to in possession of a superfluous nasal hair!

Muggins Zanzibar   :    Ooooooh!!!   Aaaaggghhh!!! You bloody bitch, you kicked me in the goolies!!

Lady Millicent XXIII   :   Oh bother! Anatomy was never one of my strong subjects at St. Delilah’s Finishing School for Girls!

Red Scarlett   :   Please tell me the nature of your complaint!

Muggins Zanzibar   :   Shi got shbraynwashed at the Karamea bible shtudy last night!!!

Red Scarlett   :   Right troops!! Combat Alert! This is a Priority 1 Official Complaint!!!

Ted Simon   :    Yessir!!

Lady Millicent Braxnall XXIII   :   Sah!

SuperMoo    :    Ralf!!!

Scrumptious Starfire   :   Is my hair alright??? I’m not showing too much cleavage am I???

Red Scarlett   :    Please elucidate us on the devious machinations of last night’s Karamea Bible Study!

Ted Simon   :   Tape Recorder activated! Sir!

Muggins Zanzibar    :   Well, the parable of the Good Samaritan shmeans you should help your fellow man when he shtumbles! Ya??

Red Scarlett   :   Indeed! Go on my good man!

Muggins Zanzibar   :   So what say your worst enemy happens to stumble after ravishing your wife!

Red Scarlett   :  Forgive! Seventy times seven!!

Muggins Zanzibar   :   And my wife??

Red Scarlett   :  Publicly stoned to death during Market Cross’ Saturdays Morning Market!!

Recent Public Stoning at Karamea Saturday Market

Muggins  Zanzibar   :   But the good book says “ Let he is without sin cast the first stone!”

Red Scarlett  :   Ok have her hung, drawn and quartered instead by all the angry kiddies who missed out on getting their faces painted! Problem!!  Solution!!

Muggins Zanzibar   :   Are you a Catholic?

Red Scarlett   :   No I’m an infintissemalist!

Muggins Zanzibar   :   Like your shtyle! Hic!

Red Scarlett   :  How were you brainwashed??

Muggins Zanzibar   :   Shwell after Bible Study we had our regular drinking games!!!

Red Scarlett   :   Incredible!!!

Muggins Zanzibar   :   Shwallowed enough Holy Communion to see a double vision! Hic!

Ted Simon   :    I knew I should have gone to Bible study last night! Bloody AA meetings!!!

Muggins Zanzibar   :  Zen when the assembled got me completely yogenberried the brainwashing started! Really frightening!!

Red Scarlett   :   I need complete silence troops! Now every fine detail of this bizarre affair needs to be accurately recorded!

Muggins Zanzibar   :   There was this strange man with crazy blood shot eyes! He scratched his eyeballs when I scratched mine! He sneezed when I sneezed! It was like Voodoo!!

Red Scarlett   :   Can you describe this man for our official records!

Muggins Zanzibar    :   Well he had two eyes in the middle of his forehead and two  … no three nostrils!!

Ted Simon   :  Where did the brainwashing take place?

Muggins Zanzibar   :  In the bathroom in front of the vanity unit! Hic!

Red Scarlett   :  Mmmmm!  Look deep into this mirror and tell me if this looks like the culprit?

Muggins Zanzibar   :   Aaaaaaagggghhhhhh!!!  Get behind thee!!!

Kaboom!!!!

The Anaesthetist

Scrumptious Starfire  :   Boss! You didn’t extract our usual outrageously extravagant fee before you anaesthatised him!

Suprised Scrumptious Starfire

Red Scarlett   :  Lady Millicent!  I have another highly urgent top secret mission for you to perform!

Lady Braxnall Millicent XXIII   :   Let me guess!!   A cup of tea???

Red Scarlett   :   Sarcasm does not become you Lady Millicent!! Carry on and don’t forget to wipe the whole office for fingerprints!!!

Super Moo   :   Awoooooooooo!!!!

Ted Simon   :    The sight of blood too much for your delicate constitution Super Moo???

Super Moo   :   Awoooooooo!!!!

Ted Simon   :  Here! Have a forequarter!!!

SuperMoo   :   B… a…r…ffff!!!!!