Karamea Ministry of Red Tape # 9

A New Zealand Government Department Authorised by a Covertly Ambiguous and Deliberately Rhetorical Act of Parliament Compounded by a Subtly Implied Royal Consent to Receive Official Complaints. 

Karamea Ministry of Red Tape: Staff

Office Manager:  Red Scarlett

Senior Complaints Officer:  Rasta Reuben Jafa

Manager’s Secretary:  Kazinka


Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Offices, Market Cross
Monday April 20th April 2012


Celia:   Toodle ooh!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:  Can I help you madam?

Celia: Yes!! I have just completed my grocery shopping and I am so outraged I wish to let the world know how angry I am!!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:  You wish to record a complaint???

Celia:   Yes of course!!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:    An official complaint???

Rasta Reuben Jafa

Celia:   Extraordinary!!!You distinguish between complaints and official complaints??

Rasta Reuben Jafa:  Yes of course. A simple complaint can be extinguished by the simple exercising of your uvula. An official complaint requires justification, information, administration, notification, and rectification!

Celia:   Sounds expensive!!

Reuban Jafa:  Indeed!! Now please avail me of the nature of your complaint. Miss ……Miss?????

Celia:   Fatbottom!!!  Countess Celia Malleable Fatbottom the Third!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:   Wow! You are a countess!!!

Celia:   From the House of Winza!!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:  Now, what is so outrageous about your complaint that the Minister of Red Tape needs to be informed???

Celia:   Look in deep my shopping basket of goodies!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:   Mmmm!!!

Celia:   Not my cleavage you scoundrel!!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:   Oh, but so hypnotic!!!

Celia:   Look at this can of baked beans!!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:   Yes??

Celia:   Baked Beans my big toe! These beans were boiled then canned!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:    Red Alert!!!  What a revelation. You are indeed correct!

Celia:   And this!!

Rasta Reuban Jafa:   A can of pink frosted whipped cream!!

Celia:  Yes! For my pussy!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:  (cough cough)  Of course!! And??

Celia:   Read the label Ein Stein!  Contains artificial sweetener B52!!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:    Mmmm!  My favourite!!

Celia:    To add insult to injury, this can of cat food shows an airbrushed photo of an innocent fluffy white lamb with cutesy wootsey pink eyes looking towards Mecca!!!!!!

innocent fluffy white lamb

Rasta Reuben Jafa:   Mmmm! Obviously …???

Celia:    Obviously butchered Halal!!!! I am a Christian and now I could not possibly eat this for breakfast!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:   Scandalous!!  I need to make an official notation for our records!!

Celia:    Now look at this purchase!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:   A bulk party pack of edible birthday balloons!!!

Celia:   How foolish are the blind, for they will not see! No, these are prophylactics!!! They are for my pussy!!

Celia’s Pussy

Rasta Reuben Jafa:   Pink frosted whipped cream and edible condominiums!!  Interesting!! By the way, I am free for dinner tonight!!

Celia:  Oh no! Ferdinand detests strangers!!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:   Ferdinand???

Celia:  Why yes!! My pussycat!!


Rasta Reuben Jafa:   Of course!!  Silly me!!!

Celia:  Now look at this purchase rather closely young man!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:   Problem?? The prophylactics are preowned??? inedible???

Celia:   You are such a fool!! Now read the label. “Flavours contain artificial sweetener B52!!”

RRJ:    Yowser! You have uncovered a highly dangerous multinational conspiracy!!

Celia:   Bullseye!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:     Mmmm! What exotic flavours for condominiums!!  Catmint, pickled herring and rhubarb!! Such felicitous felines!!

Celia:  What is the fee for my Official Complaint??

Rasta Reuben Jafa:  I will consult The Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Complaints Manual. Mmmm!  Here we go!!  Official Comp F111. “ Senile old trout with no teeth and excessive nasal hair makes frivolous complaint about artificial sweetener B52 contained  in edible prophylactics and can of pink frosted whipped cream!” $5,000!!

Celia:  Oooh! I forgot to shave my nose this morning!!

Rasta Reuban Jafa:  Silly question Mistress Fatbottom! Why XXXL edible condominiums for your pussycat!

Celia:  Oh! Ferdie is hung like a horse! As a responsible pet owner I do not  want Ferdie populating the neighbourhood with unwanted kittens!

Rasta Reuban Jafa:  And ..  um … the whipped cream!!??

Celia:   For my pussy!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:   (cough cough) I prefer not to be indelicate, but perchance there is some ambiguity in that statement!!??

Celia:   Not at all!  Ferdinand is addicted to whipped cream lattes!

Rasta Reuban Jafa:   Oh how caring and loving you are to such a deserving creature!

(Bolshoe krasny kapusta – Bid red cabbage!!!)

Celia:    B52 has been banned by the United Nations Scientific Research Division as being hallucinogenic!!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa   :   Really!!  G..a…l…o..o…s…h!!!

Celia:     Aaaaghh! You’ve eaten the evidence!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:   Whoa!!!!! What a trip!!!

Celia:   You cretin!!Hand me back that whipped cream before I call the authorities!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:  Barf!!!!!!!

Celia:   Aaagghhhh!!!!!!!!!

Red Scarlett:   Mother!!!!!! Your disguise as an escaped Nazi fugitive doesn’t fool me for minute!! That Adolf moustache is so passe!!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:    Your mother!!!!

Red Scarlett: How did you manage to escape from the Devil’s Island Retirement Home for Serial Masticators!! I requested electrified razor wire, dobermans and 24 hour armed guards!!

Celia aka Rouge Scarlett:   I know all about the scams you pull here at this fake Government Department!  I am going to tell the PM!!


Rasta Reuben Jafa:   You just shot your mother in cold blood!!

Red Scarlett:  Oh bother! I’m such a klutz!!  I could have sworn the safety catch was on!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:   I am shocked at your reckless disregard for human life!!

Red Scarlett:   Do you wish to make a complaint?

Rasta Reuben Jafa:   Well  ..  um…   ah….. yes!!!

Red Scarlett:  An official complaint???

Rasta Reuben Jafa:   Well …um… ah… yes!!


Red Scarlett:  Unbelievable! I’m returning this Colt 45 to the Supermarket. Why doesn’t it come with a silencer!!

***Beep, Beep***


Kazinka:    Da Bossski!!

Red Scarlett:  I have a secret mission for you. You will need to disguise yourself as a sanitation officer!!

Kazinka:   Will I need detergent??

Red Scarlett:    No just two body bags and a strong stomach!!

Kazinka:   Aaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhh!!!!  Aaaaaaggghhhhhh!!!!

Red Scarlett:   What ever is the matter!!??

Kazinka:   A can of Fellini’s erotic pink frosted whipped cream!!!!

Red Scarlett:    Yes??

Kazinka:  I am having tea with the Vicar on Saturday afternoon and
I ………..

Red Scarlett:  Do tell! Not Vicar Lothario???

Vicar Lothario

Kazinka:      Romeo, Romeo where for art thou Romeo!!

Red Scarlett:    Kazinka! Please be discreet! The Karamea Ministry of Red Tape has standards of decorum to maintain!

Kazinka:   Cough cough!!

Red Scarlett:   What now??

Kazinka:    Could I possibly have the prophylactic devices as well!!

Red Scarlett:   Right! Three “Hail Bloody Marys” and no pork sausage on Friday!!!

Kazinka:    Starushka!! It’s a deal!!

Red Scarlett

About LivinginPeaceProject

Paul Murray is the founder of the LivinginPeace Project. www.livinginpeace.com Paul originally from Australia, but have been living in New Zealand for 14 years. Before that he was in Japan for a decade working as a journalist. He met his wife Sanae in Japan and they married in 2008.
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