Karamea Ministry of Red Tape: Staff
Office Manager: Red Scarlett
Senior Complaints Officer: Rasta Reuben Jafa
Manager’s Secretary: Kazinka
Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Offices, Market Cross
Monday April 20th April 2012
Celia: Toodle ooh!!
Rasta Reuben Jafa: Can I help you madam?
Celia: Yes!! I have just completed my grocery shopping and I am so outraged I wish to let the world know how angry I am!!!
Rasta Reuben Jafa: You wish to record a complaint???
Celia: Yes of course!!!
Rasta Reuben Jafa: An official complaint???
Celia: Extraordinary!!!You distinguish between complaints and official complaints??
Rasta Reuben Jafa: Yes of course. A simple complaint can be extinguished by the simple exercising of your uvula. An official complaint requires justification, information, administration, notification, and rectification!
Celia: Sounds expensive!!
Reuban Jafa: Indeed!! Now please avail me of the nature of your complaint. Miss ……Miss?????
Celia: Fatbottom!!! Countess Celia Malleable Fatbottom the Third!
Rasta Reuben Jafa: Wow! You are a countess!!!
Celia: From the House of Winza!!!
Rasta Reuben Jafa: Now, what is so outrageous about your complaint that the Minister of Red Tape needs to be informed???
Celia: Look in deep my shopping basket of goodies!
Rasta Reuben Jafa: Mmmm!!!
Celia: Not my cleavage you scoundrel!!!
Rasta Reuben Jafa: Oh, but so hypnotic!!!
Celia: Look at this can of baked beans!!!
Rasta Reuben Jafa: Yes??
Celia: Baked Beans my big toe! These beans were boiled then canned!
Rasta Reuben Jafa: Red Alert!!! What a revelation. You are indeed correct!
Celia: And this!!
Rasta Reuban Jafa: A can of pink frosted whipped cream!!
Celia: Yes! For my pussy!!
Rasta Reuben Jafa: (cough cough) Of course!! And??
Celia: Read the label Ein Stein! Contains artificial sweetener B52!!!
Rasta Reuben Jafa: Mmmm! My favourite!!
Celia: To add insult to injury, this can of cat food shows an airbrushed photo of an innocent fluffy white lamb with cutesy wootsey pink eyes looking towards Mecca!!!!!!
Rasta Reuben Jafa: Mmmm! Obviously …???
Celia: Obviously butchered Halal!!!! I am a Christian and now I could not possibly eat this for breakfast!
Rasta Reuben Jafa: Scandalous!! I need to make an official notation for our records!!
Celia: Now look at this purchase!
Rasta Reuben Jafa: A bulk party pack of edible birthday balloons!!!
Celia: How foolish are the blind, for they will not see! No, these are prophylactics!!! They are for my pussy!!
Rasta Reuben Jafa: Pink frosted whipped cream and edible condominiums!! Interesting!! By the way, I am free for dinner tonight!!
Celia: Oh no! Ferdinand detests strangers!!!
Rasta Reuben Jafa: Ferdinand???
Celia: Why yes!! My pussycat!!
Rasta Reuben Jafa: Of course!! Silly me!!!
Celia: Now look at this purchase rather closely young man!!
Rasta Reuben Jafa: Problem?? The prophylactics are preowned??? inedible???
Celia: You are such a fool!! Now read the label. “Flavours contain artificial sweetener B52!!”
RRJ: Yowser! You have uncovered a highly dangerous multinational conspiracy!!
Rasta Reuben Jafa: Mmmm! What exotic flavours for condominiums!! Catmint, pickled herring and rhubarb!! Such felicitous felines!!
Celia: What is the fee for my Official Complaint??
Rasta Reuben Jafa: I will consult The Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Complaints Manual. Mmmm! Here we go!! Official Comp F111. “ Senile old trout with no teeth and excessive nasal hair makes frivolous complaint about artificial sweetener B52 contained in edible prophylactics and can of pink frosted whipped cream!” $5,000!!
Celia: Oooh! I forgot to shave my nose this morning!!
Rasta Reuban Jafa: Silly question Mistress Fatbottom! Why XXXL edible condominiums for your pussycat!
Celia: Oh! Ferdie is hung like a horse! As a responsible pet owner I do not want Ferdie populating the neighbourhood with unwanted kittens!
Rasta Reuban Jafa: And .. um … the whipped cream!!??
Celia: For my pussy!!
Rasta Reuben Jafa: (cough cough) I prefer not to be indelicate, but perchance there is some ambiguity in that statement!!??
Celia: Not at all! Ferdinand is addicted to whipped cream lattes!
Rasta Reuban Jafa: Oh how caring and loving you are to such a deserving creature!
(Bolshoe krasny kapusta – Bid red cabbage!!!)
Celia: B52 has been banned by the United Nations Scientific Research Division as being hallucinogenic!!!
Rasta Reuben Jafa : Really!! G..a…l…o..o…s…h!!!
Celia: Aaaaghh! You’ve eaten the evidence!!
Rasta Reuben Jafa: Whoa!!!!! What a trip!!!
Celia: You cretin!!Hand me back that whipped cream before I call the authorities!!
Rasta Reuben Jafa: Barf!!!!!!!
Red Scarlett: Mother!!!!!! Your disguise as an escaped Nazi fugitive doesn’t fool me for minute!! That Adolf moustache is so passe!!!
Rasta Reuben Jafa: Your mother!!!!
Red Scarlett: How did you manage to escape from the Devil’s Island Retirement Home for Serial Masticators!! I requested electrified razor wire, dobermans and 24 hour armed guards!!
Celia aka Rouge Scarlett: I know all about the scams you pull here at this fake Government Department! I am going to tell the PM!!
Rasta Reuben Jafa: You just shot your mother in cold blood!!
Red Scarlett: Oh bother! I’m such a klutz!! I could have sworn the safety catch was on!!
Rasta Reuben Jafa: I am shocked at your reckless disregard for human life!!
Red Scarlett: Do you wish to make a complaint?
Rasta Reuben Jafa: Well .. um… ah….. yes!!!
Red Scarlett: An official complaint???
Rasta Reuben Jafa: Well …um… ah… yes!!
Red Scarlett: Unbelievable! I’m returning this Colt 45 to the Supermarket. Why doesn’t it come with a silencer!!
Kazinka: Da Bossski!!
Red Scarlett: I have a secret mission for you. You will need to disguise yourself as a sanitation officer!!
Kazinka: Will I need detergent??
Red Scarlett: No just two body bags and a strong stomach!!
Kazinka: Aaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhh!!!! Aaaaaaggghhhhhh!!!!
Red Scarlett: What ever is the matter!!??
Kazinka: A can of Fellini’s erotic pink frosted whipped cream!!!!
Red Scarlett: Yes??
Kazinka: I am having tea with the Vicar on Saturday afternoon and
Red Scarlett: Do tell! Not Vicar Lothario???
Kazinka: Romeo, Romeo where for art thou Romeo!!
Red Scarlett: Kazinka! Please be discreet! The Karamea Ministry of Red Tape has standards of decorum to maintain!
Kazinka: Cough cough!!
Red Scarlett: What now??
Kazinka: Could I possibly have the prophylactic devices as well!!
Red Scarlett: Right! Three “Hail Bloody Marys” and no pork sausage on Friday!!!
Kazinka: Starushka!! It’s a deal!!