On the 20th of January 2012, Kim Dotcom aka Kim Schmitz aka Kimble aka Kim Tim Jim Vestor had his Coatsville, Auckland, New Zealand mansion raided by the United States Keystone Cops elite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle squad of aSSaSSins, thugs, rogues and vagabonds for alleged copyright piracy!  Ooh Arrrr!

Mister Dotcom understandably suffered a great deal of stress from this violent and aggressive Home Invasion and despite medical intervention and heavy medication subsequently shed an inordinate amount of weight!

The DotCom Mansion

Question 1:

How much weight did Kim Dotcom lose?

1. Two sic! hic! six packs of Monteith’s Bush Lager and a large pepperoni pizza with extra anchovy sauce!
2. One partially eaten medium rare rhinoceros regurgitated on his front lawn?
3. Barffff!!!
4. Despite becoming instantaneously bulimic and anorexic and then consequently suffering from an insanely miniscule loss of appetite, Kim incredibly gained a barrister with bottomless pockets, the Pope’s fired butler and an incredibly outrageous bill for lawn repair from Mr. Green! ( bloody greedy Jews!!!)

Question 2:

Is Mona, Mister Dotcom’s wife, her real name or is he living with a fake and an impostor?

1. She is an FBI clone! Kim’s real wife accidentally went down the kitchen waste disposal unit during a violent argument over who would guard the breakfast leftovers!
2. Real name Barbie is a sex slave. Usual attire frosted whipped cream with strawberry topping! Ole!
3. Mona is really a spit roasted sheep in wolf’s clothing! Arf arf!
4. Mona really is her real name!

Mona DotCom

Question 6:

If Kim Dotcom has one extremely oversize failing, what is it?

1. He doesn’t realise he is actually a rather fat porker with early onset diabetic menopause!
2. He has an extremely strange Christian name!
3. The Second Coming of Billy Bunter’s daily aerobic classes are responsible for a series of oversized deadly earthquakes in the South Island of New Zealand!
4. Kim is more likely to be a big girl’s name!

Question 10:

Given the remarkable similarity that Timothy Hawley aka DJ Echo on Radio Karamea 107.5 FM has to Comrade Dotcom, is he the next likely candidate for a Osama Bin Laden style capture by specially trained U.S. Navy Seals , execution and burial at sea? Arf arf!!

DJ Echo aka Tim Hawley aka Kim DotCom outside his Karamea mansion…could this be the next FBI raid target?

1. Yes!!! The sooner the better!
2. Yawn!!!
3. No! Why would the Uncle Sam want to execute a brain dead DJ that only plays Bollywood punk rock?
4. Yes please!

Question 5:

Finally if you were the New Zealand Director of the Government Communications Service Bureau, what would you have done differently?

1. Covertly intercepted Kim Dotcom’s laundry!
2. Employed Saatchi and Saatchi to organise a smear campaign against him on Face Book!
3. Invited Kim to GCSB HQ for a pot luck morning tea, brainwashed him with scantily clad bimbos dressed up as McDonald’s Whopperburgers and then interrogated him unmercilessly!
4. Had him secretly run over by a Red Cross Ambulance cleverly disguised as a Special Forces Hummer during his upstairs morning shower and successfully made it look like an Act of God!

Question 7 in no particular order!

Is New Zealand rapidly heading towards becoming a Totalitarian State that   Lenin, Stalin and Trotsky would be proud to call “Home Sweet Home”?

1. Yes!
2. Yes!
3. Yes!
4. All of the above!

Question 22:

Would El Senor Dotcom make a convincing Prime Minister of New Zealand?

1. No! Too honest, too endearing, too clever!!
2. Yes! Too honest, too endearing, too clever!!
3. Can pigs really fly?
4. Yesno!

Question 1 again!

What is Kim Dotcom’s favourite quote?

1. “Big boys just want to have lunch, so just eat it!”
2. “Quadruple supersize it!”
3. “ Men will still say this was my finest lunch hour!”
4. “ Please Sir! Can I have some more?”

First prize to the first correct e-mail entry received at rongo@actrix.co.nz

First Prize: The only signature known to exist of SuperMoo The Karamea Wonder Dog given to an admiring fan after his famous Karamea Bridge dive!

Second Prize: to the second correct entry received at rongo@actrix.co.nz

Unfortunately due to an oversized snowballing global recession there will be no second prize. No correspondence will be entered into regarding this situation!!

Third Prize: to the third correct e-mail entry received at rongo@actrix.co.nz

Third Prize: A gargantuan supersized humungous free breath of fresh air to be consumed in a location of your own choice and at such a time deemed suitable by The Rongolian Star Judges: DJ Crap and DJ Pukeko!

Judge DJ Pukeko

Judge DJ Crap

First Prize Recipient Kim Kardashian (Same girly name as Kim DotCom) Apparently LOVES MegaUpload

Third Prize Recipient Steve Wozniak (co-founder of Apple Computers) is Congratulated by Kim DotCom for his correct answer being, “The case against Kim Dotcom is a mess.”