A New Zealand Government Department authorised by a covertly suspicious and deliberately ambiguous Act of Parliament and compounded by a tacitly implied Royal Approval to receive official complaints.
Office Manager: Red Scarlett
Senior Complaints Officer: Antony Visigoth
Office Receptionist: Alessandra Sharkarov
Tea Strumpett: Delicious La Humba Bumba!!!!
Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Front Office, Market Cross:
Monday March 4 th 9:30 a.m.
Alessandra Sharkarov: Welcome to the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape
Nero Ceaser: A burp!
Antony Visigoth: Narzdrovia comrade!
Nero Ceaser: A grazi! I wish to make a complaint regarding the Rongo Friday night a Gourmet Club dinner!!!
Antony Visigoth: The cuisine??
Nero Ceaser: Superba!!!
Antony Visigoth: The wine???
Nero Ceaser: Magnificento!!!
Antony Visigoth: The repartee???
Nero Ceaser: Intellectual profundito!!!
Antony Visigoth: Pray tell what troubles neither the palate nor the mind???
Nero Ceaser: I was served a vegetarian meal and I am a baptised a cannibal!!!
Antony Visigoth: Is cannabalism a religion???
Nero Ceaser: More a philosophy, a primordial necessity and a personal statement! Comprendo???
Alessandra Sharkarov: Wow! Can anyone be inducted into your clique?
Nero Ceaser: Si! You must give up a muesli and jam scones and rededicate your life!
Alessandra Sharkarov: Oooh! Can I join???
Nero Ceaser: Slurp!!! Of a course!!! What is that a photo on the wall???
Antony Visigoth: That is the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape calendar girl of the month!!
Nero Ceaser: Why is she covered in a whipped cream and a strawberry jam??
Antony Visigoth: I did that with some twink and a red felt pen!
Nero Ceaser: Fuck, it’s a my mama!!!
Antony Visigoth: Mmmm! I can see the similarity! She is fat, balding and got sagging man’s breasts!!!
Nero Ceaser: I beg you’re a fucking pardon!!!
Antony Visigoth: What…are you hard of hearing??
Nero Ceaser: Well actually a yes I am!!!
Antony Visigoth: WHY ARE YOU SO DEAF!!!
Nero Ceaser: When your bruncha a rudely and incessantly screams at you for a mercy it’s a ear shattering!!!
Antony Visigoth: I see!
Nero Ceaser: You a prick, you have a drawn a rather large banana in a rather suggestive and a rather provocative fashion in a my mama’s mouth.
Antony Visigoth: Too right your mother’s a slut!!
Nero Ceaser: Santa Maria!!! You have turned a my mama into a gastronomical trollopa!!!
Antony Visigoth: Indeed serious cause for complaint!!!!
Nero Ceaser: Complaina!! I should a kick your butt!!!
Antony Visigoth: Oh, I don’t smoke!!!
Nero Ceaser: A ha fucking ha!!!
Red Scarlett: Pardon me what is all the commotion in the front office!!!
Nero Ceaser: You’re a staff member is totally out of control!!!
Antony Visigoth: Oh really? Is my fly open again???
Nero Ceaser: Can someone transcribe my complaint???
Antony Visigoth: Indeed! Here we go! Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Official Complaint 171/5: “Circumferentially challenged, defollicled cannabalistic sub humanoid dago wishes to make frivolous complaint regarding the complete lack of moral fibre of his portentious mother!!!
Nero Ceaser: How a much lira??
Antony Visigoth: Including Imperial War Tax, $5,000 dollars.
Nero Ceaser: You take a my personal cheque???
Antony Visigoth: Is the Pope gay???
Nero Ceaser: That is an incriminating a question and in the absence of a legal representation I a pleading the 5th!!!
Red Scarlett: Cash only, small unmarked bills. No roubles or pesos!!!!
Nero Ceaser: I a believe this office is a fraud and I am going to ring the PM!!!
Red Scarlett: Ok, you can use the phone in the office mortuary!!!
Nero Ceaser: Mortuary???
Red Scarlett: I meant butchery chamber!!!
Red Scarlett: (Whisper) (Use my Smith and Wesson .38 from the office armoury and make it quick and make it clean!!)
Antony Visigoth: (Whisper) (Gotcha boss!!!)
Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Execution and Torture Chamber
Nero Ceaser: What a day is it today???
Antony Visigoth: For you!!! Judgement Day!!!
Nero Ceaser: Scuzi!!!
Antony Visigoth: Look I am rather busy. I only have time for one more question!!!
Nero Ceaser: Why are there a dissecting table and a toasty pie machine in you’re a office butchery???
Kaboom!!!
Antony Visigoth: Sucker!!! I didn’t say I time for another answer!!!
Red Scarlett: Shize strasse!!! The richochet has set off the sprinklers and the burglar alarm!!!
Antony Visigoth: Panic!!!
Red Scarlett: Stay cool!!! Right!!! Quick!!! Race to the staff cafeteria as fast as you can!!! It’s time for a cup of tea!!!
Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Staff Cafeteria
Delicious La Humba Bumba: Cup of tea??
Antony Visigoth: Too right sheila!! Had a busy morning!!!
Delicious La Humba Bumba: Milk???
Antony Visigoth: Yes please!!!
Delicious La Humba Bumba: Sugar???
Antony Visigoth: Mmm!! Rather!!!
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The Rongolian Star 
Karamea Ministry of Red Tape #19
Office Manager: Red Scarlett
Senior Complaints Officer: Antony Visigoth
Office Receptionist: Alessandra Sharkarov
Tea Strumpett: Delicious La Humba Bumba!!!!
Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Front Office, Market Cross:
Monday March 4 th 9:30 a.m.
Alessandra Sharkarov: Welcome to the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape
Nero Ceaser: A burp!
Antony Visigoth: Narzdrovia comrade!
Nero Ceaser: A grazi! I wish to make a complaint regarding the Rongo Friday night a Gourmet Club dinner!!!
Antony Visigoth: The cuisine??
Nero Ceaser: Superba!!!
Antony Visigoth: The wine???
Nero Ceaser: Magnificento!!!
Antony Visigoth: The repartee???
Nero Ceaser: Intellectual profundito!!!
Antony Visigoth: Pray tell what troubles neither the palate nor the mind???
Nero Ceaser: I was served a vegetarian meal and I am a baptised a cannibal!!!
Antony Visigoth: Is cannabalism a religion???
Nero Ceaser: More a philosophy, a primordial necessity and a personal statement! Comprendo???
Alessandra Sharkarov: Wow! Can anyone be inducted into your clique?
Nero Ceaser: Si! You must give up a muesli and jam scones and rededicate your life!
Alessandra Sharkarov: Oooh! Can I join???
Nero Ceaser: Slurp!!! Of a course!!! What is that a photo on the wall???
Antony Visigoth: That is the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape calendar girl of the month!!
Nero Ceaser: Why is she covered in a whipped cream and a strawberry jam??
Antony Visigoth: I did that with some twink and a red felt pen!
Nero Ceaser: Fuck, it’s a my mama!!!
Antony Visigoth: Mmmm! I can see the similarity! She is fat, balding and got sagging man’s breasts!!!
Nero Ceaser: I beg you’re a fucking pardon!!!
Antony Visigoth: What…are you hard of hearing??
Nero Ceaser: Well actually a yes I am!!!
Antony Visigoth: WHY ARE YOU SO DEAF!!!
Nero Ceaser: When your bruncha a rudely and incessantly screams at you for a mercy it’s a ear shattering!!!
Antony Visigoth: I see!
Nero Ceaser: You a prick, you have a drawn a rather large banana in a rather suggestive and a rather provocative fashion in a my mama’s mouth.
Antony Visigoth: Too right your mother’s a slut!!
Nero Ceaser: Santa Maria!!! You have turned a my mama into a gastronomical trollopa!!!
Antony Visigoth: Indeed serious cause for complaint!!!!
Nero Ceaser: Complaina!! I should a kick your butt!!!
Antony Visigoth: Oh, I don’t smoke!!!
Nero Ceaser: A ha fucking ha!!!
Red Scarlett: Pardon me what is all the commotion in the front office!!!
Nero Ceaser: You’re a staff member is totally out of control!!!
Antony Visigoth: Oh really? Is my fly open again???
Nero Ceaser: Can someone transcribe my complaint???
Antony Visigoth: Indeed! Here we go! Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Official Complaint 171/5: “Circumferentially challenged, defollicled cannabalistic sub humanoid dago wishes to make frivolous complaint regarding the complete lack of moral fibre of his portentious mother!!!
Nero Ceaser: How a much lira??
Antony Visigoth: Including Imperial War Tax, $5,000 dollars.
Nero Ceaser: You take a my personal cheque???
Antony Visigoth: Is the Pope gay???
Nero Ceaser: That is an incriminating a question and in the absence of a legal representation I a pleading the 5th!!!
Red Scarlett: Cash only, small unmarked bills. No roubles or pesos!!!!
Nero Ceaser: I a believe this office is a fraud and I am going to ring the PM!!!
Red Scarlett: Ok, you can use the phone in the office mortuary!!!
Nero Ceaser: Mortuary???
Red Scarlett: I meant butchery chamber!!!
Red Scarlett: (Whisper) (Use my Smith and Wesson .38 from the office armoury and make it quick and make it clean!!)
Antony Visigoth: (Whisper) (Gotcha boss!!!)
Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Execution and Torture Chamber
Nero Ceaser: What a day is it today???
Antony Visigoth: For you!!! Judgement Day!!!
Nero Ceaser: Scuzi!!!
Antony Visigoth: Look I am rather busy. I only have time for one more question!!!
Nero Ceaser: Why are there a dissecting table and a toasty pie machine in you’re a office butchery???
Kaboom!!!
Antony Visigoth: Sucker!!! I didn’t say I time for another answer!!!
Red Scarlett: Shize strasse!!! The richochet has set off the sprinklers and the burglar alarm!!!
Antony Visigoth: Panic!!!
Red Scarlett: Stay cool!!! Right!!! Quick!!! Race to the staff cafeteria as fast as you can!!! It’s time for a cup of tea!!!
Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Staff Cafeteria
Delicious La Humba Bumba: Cup of tea??
Antony Visigoth: Too right sheila!! Had a busy morning!!!
Delicious La Humba Bumba: Milk???
Antony Visigoth: Yes please!!!
Delicious La Humba Bumba: Sugar???
Antony Visigoth: Mmm!! Rather!!!
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About LivinginPeaceProject
Paul Murray is the founder of the LivinginPeace Project. www.livinginpeace.com Paul originally from Australia, but have been living in New Zealand for 14 years. Before that he was in Japan for a decade working as a journalist. He met his wife Sanae in Japan and they married in 2008.