Off ZZTop of my Head

By Paul Murray

A wide range gentlemen from all parts of the Earthisphere arrived at Rongo Backpackers & Gallery on a spectacular Karamea evening to celebrate the end of Master Brian “Big Man” Thomson’s bachelorhood.

Yes Ladies, the Big Man has finally succumbed to the pressure of being so awesome and accepted the repeated requests for his hand in marriage from Mitsuyo “Little Lady” Numata and has agreed to be her bride.

A Gentlemen’s Evening for the Big Man

 You are cordially invited to attend an evening of great music, fine wine, excellent food and frivolity to celebrate the ensuing nuptials of Brian “Big Man” Thomson and Mitsuyo “Little Woman” Numata.

It is our collective mission to ensure the Big Man enjoys the last vestiges of his freedom and solitude before he succumbs to an uncertain future of conjugal servitude.

Where? Rongo Backpackers & Gallery, Karamea

When? Saturday, May 21, 2016…4:30 p.m. to Late

Festivities will begin with a BBQ dinner at Rongo followed by a visit for light refreshments to Karamea’s finest purveyors of adult beverages and then back to the Rongo man-cave for the remainder of play…

***In anticipation of the possibility that attendees may consume more than the legal amount of ethanol permitted for legal road use, free accommodation is on offer in compliance with requisite health and safely regulations***

Brian the “Big Man” Thomson

****BYO Booze and Strippers****

The BBQ was prepared, rocket stove fired up, buns buttered, dough kneaded, decks swabbed and Karamea Radio 107.5 FM playlist sorted…bottle caps popped at around 4:00 p.m.

The right honourable began to arrive…a mighty effort was made by two fine gentlemen from across the mountains in Motueka to attend the gala event, others came from Germany, Australia, Belgium and Japan….a few of the gentlemen were in fact gentlewomen, but that was of little concern to all assembled…the party just continued as planned and such details were taken in stride.

Coincidentally, a full moon happened for the night and the stormy weather parted to reveal its radiant magnificence, the wind dropped to zero…it was as if the Karamea Gods had smiled upon us and sanctioned the event favourably by providing perfect meteorological conditions for play…and the games began…

Dr David DeBateman was the first to open his legend account…After several long Ranfurly Draughts and considerable heated conversation about subjects passionate to him, Dr DeBateman, who is locally known as “BIGGA,”  was offered a double chance too rich for his Scottish roots to deny…single malt whiskey for free!…He embraced his good fortune with keen avarice.

A short time later, after he’d tangled with the chilly bin (esky for our Aussie readers) and had a bit of a roll around on the lawn in the ice and water before his colleagues managed to place him in a seated position on a bench by the bonfire to dry out two ways. Gravity was the next problem facing our hero, his head gradually became heavier and dropped lower until he succumbed to gravitational force and rolled off the bench head first into a kind of alcoholic happy baby pose before collapsing in a heap and performing vomitus ejecta for the lads. The first casualty of the evening.

The Zimbabwean troubadour was the next to go down…after strumming accompaniment to the GuppStar’s flute and bongos for several hours…he crumpled into a heap at the edge of the bonfire and was soon snuggled into a hastily fashioned swag. Casualty two.

The somewhat sexist and possibly misogynistic cultural tradition of inviting some friendly ladies to dance suggestively and disrobe proved somewhat difficult to honour as such services proved unavailable locally. Attendees were invited to BYO strippers, but all gentlemen rightfully failed to do so…the only member to see a naked woman all evening was DJ DeBell…well played Sir!

After a hard day’s party preparation, DJ Who settled into taking some RedBull and Russian fire water by the horns and embraced the evening with a rare display of ethanol consumption…depravity and lascivious salaciousness ensued, but only in his own mind.

The line of the night belonged to DJ Prospector, when, with delightful irreverence, he questioned the tradition of the Japanese wedding kimono attire and asked of the Big Man, “Who’s gonna strap you into the clown suit?”

The Swiss Ambassador, Yvan “l’ enfant terrible” Bosteels, who had made a tremendous effort to attend the soirée,  managed to descend into a deep post-prandial slumber after a sumptuous repast of local small goods, rocket-stove pizzas and Bambi burgers (BIG thank you to the galley team of Dr BC and “Messers” Schmid and Huth) and completely missed most of the festivities…he did, however, make a midnight appearance to provide sober counsel as to whether the health nurse should be summoned from her slumber to attend the excesses of Masters Bigga and the Troubadour. After much deliberation and consideration of all affected stakeholders…The blower was switched off and Bigga was carted off to the Karamea Radio Shack to allow the passage of time to restore his faculties.

Quite a few gentlemen, including the Big Man himself, did a spot of gardening throughout the course of the evening…Vincenzo spent a bit of time among the garden gnomes and the Groom found himself stuck in a drainage ditch too ashamed to call for help…after extracting himself from the mud, the star of the party returned to the fire only to find everyone-except a roaring DJ Prospector-had gone home to bed.

DJ Crap visited the home of Dr DeBateman the following morning (after discovering his resurrection from his makeshift radio shack tomb) to return his beanie and cellphone…horror awaited as the half-asleep, near-naked, fluoro-white Bigga answered the door in black briefs with half a woody and sick in his beard. After determining that Bigga hadn’t got dead, he hastily and gratefully retreated in desperate search of a more pleasing aesthetic.

In other news…Big Phil also bailed quite early when his boss came buy to pick him up and take him home…no doubt who wears the slacks in that house!

All the best for you ensuing nuptials Brian “Big Man” Thomson and Mitsuyo “Little Woman” Numata.

That’s RIGHT!