An extremely covert, ambiguously surreptitious, diametrically existentialist New Zealand

Government Department Fonzy Scheme authorised by His Royal Highness King Right Charlie II to receive Official Complaints!

By Rongolian Star Raving Reporter Lewis Arthur Gordon Jackson

0800 hrs Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Office, Market Cross Monday December 2nd 2024

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CEO The Don (Don Bradman) “I have todays first and only Official Complaint!!!

Secretary Boruzhnikov “ Urgent minute from Prime Minister! All Governement funding for the Karamea Minstry of Red Tape has been withdrawn pending an Inquiry by the Serious Fraud Office!”

CEO The Don “We need some panic ideas to raise funds from all staff!”

Comrade Edward Kelly “We could hold up a stage coach or rob the local bank!”

CEO The Don “The Karamea Savings Bank does not exist!”

Comrade Edward Kelly “We can all mount up ride, around town and knick all the kiddies piggy banks!~

CEO Don “Karamea is a Mulism State! Piggy banks are banned!”

Comrade Edward Kelly “Run a fund raising telethon live on Radio Karamea 107.5 FM from the office of the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape with DJ Crap and DJ Pukeko live!”

KMRT Minister of Propaganda, Herr Goebbels “Ya! Karamea Uber Alles!”

Comrade Hayden Haitana “The first runnng of the Karamea Turf Club’s, Market Cross Gold Cup is on this arvo. We could fix the result, run the tote, make sure the rank outsider wins and we’ll clean up!

CEO The Don “Hard helmets on troops! This dire situation calls for military discipline!No alcohol until morning tea!”

“Radio Karamea 109.75 FM coming to you live from the office of the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape! I am DJ Crap and my offsider is legendary DJ Pukeko! “

“DJ Pukeko “Legendary!? You are going to drive me to drink!”

DJ Crap “Radio Karamea is running a fund raising telethon for an extremely good cause! (ha bloody ha!) To retain the Head Office of the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape right here in Karamea!

DJ Pukeko “Two right mate! Song requests $1,500 each, donations accepted only in Russian Roubles or Zimbabwe dollars in small denomination bills, no finger prints!”

DJ Crap “First song request is from my wife Sanae! “Waltzing Natasha!”

“Down by a billabong, under the shade of a Coolibah tree!…”

DJ Pukeko “Live on Radio Karamea the Opapara Ladies Croquet Club have generously offered to sacrifice Village Idiot Comrade Davekov Robertova in a Pay for View execution. Local merchant Sweeny Todd will turn his lazy carcass into Gourmet Meat Pies!”

DJ Crap “Yukov!”

DJ Pukeko “First caller of the day. Salvation Army Chief, General Booth! C Bogom (God Bless). General Booth “In the best interests of religious purity the Salvation Army will donate 100 crates of “Alpha and Omega Firewater” to this worthy cause.”

DJ Pukeko “Zero Carbon? Zero Alcohol? Zero Sugar? Zero Carbs? Tastes like bloody tap water! General Booth “Yes indeed squire! A non alcolholic drink!”

DJ Pukeko “There is no such thing!”

DJ Crap “I’ll take over here DJ Puke! Favourite song Herr General?” General Gordon “Yes my favourite singer Slim Dusty singing “A Pub with no Beer!”

DJ Crap “Righto Generalissimo Booth! $1,500 smackerooos!”mGeneral Booth “The cheque is in the mail!”

DJ Crap “Excellent choice General “A pub with no beer …. (scratch….) sorry, have to change the needle!

DJ Pukeko “ (DJ Crap you stood on that record and broke it!)

DJ Crap “ Time for a word from our sponsors! Smirnov Industries”

Herr Goebells “….. You are in my power!! V…O…D…K…A…!”

DJ Pukeko “Next caller Rabbi Jerry Seinfeld. Shalom Rabbi!”

Rabbi Jerry Seinfeld “ Shabat Shalom Comrades! Vork vill set you free! I vant to hear the Vietnamese National Anthem. Vanke!”

“ Yeng tong, yeng tong Yiddish Tie Toe….”

DJ Crap “Well strike me blue, me old mate Comrade Trevorksi Chappellov. So you are the mysterious Twelth Man in the Wollomolloo University Spy Ring?”

Comrade Trevorski “ Yeah! Joined the Ku Klux Klan, converted to Bhuddism and now I live on Mung Beans and Tofu!”

DJ Crap “Have you thought of seeing a doctor for your B.O mate!?”

Comrade Trevorski “ I want to hear “The Bright Fiery Cross” by Olivia El Ray!

“…. We will stand by the bright fiery cross….”

DJ Pukeko “Holy Mother of Mary!! The very next caller is Comrade Boozlebub!” Any ultra orthodox tales to tell before we play your song request?

Comrade Boozlebub “ Yes indeed, I was just about to debauch a young lady Mary Magdalene who arrived in Hades for not paying for Buller District Parking Tickets, when her father BOB strode up and shouted at me! You don’t have any visible means of income and you want to seduce my daughter! How do you propose to support yourself! I told Bob “I will use my elbows!”

Comrade Boozlebub aka The Prince of Darkness “Zdravstutje my son! I want to hear ‘The Devil went down to Jamaica!”

“The Devil went down to Jamaica, he was packing some Acupulco Gold…..

…Johnny said “I’m going to kick your ass you son of a bitch because my grass is the best there has ever been!”

DJ Pukeko Comrade Boozlebub, can you take my Last Confession?”

Comrade Boozlebub “You have never had a first confession but yes!

DJ Pukeko “Got on the wagon and do not want to get off!”

Comrade Boozlebub “Give up the demon booze my son. Twelve Bloody Mary’s and no pudding for Christmas dinner!”

DJ Pukeko “Right you are Father Boozlebub. I will just finish this swappa crate of Holy Communion and I promise I will never dink again! Burp!”

DJ Crap “Favourite song request Herr Kommissar!?”

Senior Kommissar Alan Keys “What don’t you guys understand about stick up? Why does no one take me seriously!

DJ Crap “A song mate, then you can buzz off back to Kindy Road Patrol!”

Senior Kommissar Alan Keys “Can I hear “I Shot the President by Lee Harvey Oswald!”

DJ Pukeko “What a doofus! Who ever saw a cop in diapers!”

DJ Crap “Holy Toledo! Here come the Keystone Cops” Time to take the money and run!”

DJ Pukeko “Right you are Boyo! You can drive, Supermoo can bodygaurd us!”

DJ Crap “ I can’t drive I’m half pissed!

DJ Pukeko “Righto mate, we had better leg it! C’mon Supermoo!

Supermoo the Karamea Wonder Dog “Aarrrroooooooooooo!”

***Disclaimer: The Karamea Ministry of Red Tape is a comedic parody, any resemblance to real persons living or dead is unintentional and purely coincidental.***