Reuters–New Zealand

(Special Correspondent Sir Ian Robert Albert Richardhead)

Yumpy Bin Laden (The Kumara Wonder Goat)

The Rongolian Star Media Liaison Officer Tamarillo Feijoa has just released non-classified sections of Yumpy’s last journal entries on her ill-fated solo traverse of the Heaphy Track.

Yumpy, a Kumara bred Aubian British Alpine Cross goat, was on a sponsored walk of the Heaphy Track with all receipts going to Recovering Insomniacs. Within metres of completing her epic “March for Glory” traverse, elite commandos from the Department of Conservation’s “Z-Strike Force” unmercilessly gunned her down.

The monies intended for this more than worthwhile charity have been seized and forfeited to finance a “Big 1080” monument to be erected in the middle of Market Cross, Karamea.

Journal Entry June 26^th 2011

 00615 hrs   Maaaaaaaaa!!

0911 hrs     Maaaaaaaa!!! Maaaaaaaaaa!!!

1415 hrs     Maaaa………………………………………

Z-Strike Force Commander, Lieutenant Davo Goldfish

Z-Strike Force Commander, Lieutenant Davo Goldfish, today released the flowing media statement:

“At approximately 1400 hrs SMT or 0200 hrs GMT, Commandos from the Department of Conservation’s elite “Z-Strike Force” armed with Russian AN-94 Assault Rifles were deployed in Mi 35 Attack Helicopters on loan from the Runanga Salvation Army on a highly dangerous and extremely urgent “Seek and Destroy Mission.”

Trampers and concerned bikers reported to DOC Combat HQ that a highly dangerous and armed insurgent in caprine camouflage was rapaciously foraging the delicate ecosystem of the fauna on the Heaphy Track. This outrageous behaviour was quickly viewed as a serious threat to the habitat of the last surviving remnants of the once flourishing Didelphis Virginiana, which is now perilously close to complete extinction on the Heaphy Track.

In the vital interest of preserving this endangered species I ordered my men to execute Osamaaaaaa “Yumpy” Bin Laden.

The Department of Conservation as part of its Kindy Education Plan has today kindly donated the Trophy Head of this captured terrorist to the Karamea Play Centre. The head is now being used as a donation box at the Centre to collect money for the purchase of a cute, cuddly and actually overly friendly Mustela Frenata for each kiddy.

Spare 10- and 20-cent pieces and tasty still edible globs of chewing gum can be inserted into the bullet holes in the cranium and into the olfactory glands apertures.

The Department of Conservation is also pleased to announce that just for once all of our soldiers made it back alive from this extremely dangerous and politically sensitive mission! Hallelujah!

I quote from the Department’s Honorary Patron –Winston Churchill.

“Men will still say this was their finest hour!”

ENDS

Take a Long Soulful Ride on the Blue Bus!

DJ Pukeko and Midge MacCleary Live on 107.5 Karamea Radio

What an amazingly beautiful Sunday morning! All the birdlife at Rongo singing like angels, la la la! The sun glorious in it’s dazzling warmth, hardly a zephyr in the sky or the car park!

Folksy music so mellow, you can just picture yourself relaxing in an old walnut rocking chair on the front porch of your neighbour’s house on a long summer’s evening. Pull out your corncob pipe, pack a wad of baccy and swapping good old yarns! You can get very easily get totally lost in the soothing rhythms and wonderful lyrics of this exceptionally talented Muso! Midgeman! Today in the Rongo Radio Shack, Midge McLeary live and unplugged on Radio Karamea 107.5 FM!

Annabelle his professional manager and song counter has embellished the cover of Midges new CD “Blue Bus” with a sketch that reminds you of the lazy hazy Kiwi summer days in the 1960’s when everyone holidayed at the beach!

Time for a serious question!

 DJ Pukeko: Say Midge! Who is your favourite Russian politician?

Midge: The reincarnation of the dead seagull that I saw on the beach yesterday!

DJ Pukeko: Oh really? Say did you manage to grab it and biff it in the freezer?

Midge: No, but I have got some chocolate?

DJ Pukeko: Zabriski!!   I could have recycled that seagull!!

Midgeman:

1^st ever gig: The Blue Penguin Club in Oamaru and I was really n..n..n.ervous!!

Wildest gig: Granity at the Fish Pot playing six hours non-stop to a crowd of latent vegetarians!!!

Favourite Jam: English breakfast marmalade!

Greater Oxford Dictionary:Pronunciation:/dʒam/verb (jams, jamming, jammed)

1 [with object and adverbial] squeeze or pack tightly into a specified space:

Origin: early 18th century: probably symbolic; compare with jag and cram

What?? Jamming…a musos term for ??…really??…hey I knew that! No I did!

DJ Pukeko: Tell Karamea Radio, Midge? What does it mean to you when the fans want to jam with Midgeman?

Midge: I really enjoy when people jam with me after I have played my gig and it really makes the night come alive.

Midgeman – Granity Gig  2009:

 I witnessed two local dudes who came into Midge’s gig with their drum kits.  The crowd enjoyed an awesome session of jamming with Midgeman. The Rongo crew from Karamea numbered about 12! Tips?? Didn’t we?? It’s a long time ago mate maybe your memory is playing tricks on you!

Favourite Muso: Michael Heads R.I.P.

Internet www.myspace.com/midgeman

Favourite vegetable: Oh ah, that be a turnip squire!

Jamming Partners??:  Anna Kournikova on her Yonex 12 string, and Boy George on an Irish G String!

Anna Kournikova on Yonex

Time for another even more intensely serious question!

 DJ Pukeko: Are you prepared to make a definitive statement to the nation about the ethics or otherwise of vegetarians live on air without the benefit of legal representation and without resorting to cussing?

Midgeman: I detect some antagonism on your part towards vegetative humanoids!!

Boy George on Irish G-String

DJ Pukeko: I categorically deny, that I lied to the American people and as God is my witness …no wait that was my Watergate Speech! Hey vegetables are people so can you play a song for them?

Midgeman: “ An apple a day keeps the doctor away. I could eat vegetables all day…………………………….”

DJ Pukeko: Mmm!!!! Bacon and eggs for breakfast this morning mate!

Midgman:   Pigs eat vegetables and I like eating pigs!

DJ Pukeko: So Midge! How do you handle all the screaming naughty school girls that rock up to your gigs?

Midgeman:  (With a sly grin and a wicked twinkle in his un-patched eye!)

Yeah mate! I don’t encourage that sort of crowd anymore! In fact the last time I had such a power sex crazed hungry bunch of young ladies in school uniform at one of my gigs is when I ah …um …met ah …um …ah… Annabelle!

Annabelle:   Большая красная капуста!

Dj Pukeko, MidgeMan and Annabelle http://www.karamearadio.com

Midgeman: Time for another song! Easy on the loaded questions mate!!

DJ Pukeko:  Can you dedicate a song for two of our old mates Dave Muir from The Dunedin Environment Centre and Antony Deaker from the Higher Trust?

Midgeman: “Breathing……..”

Whittaker’s Milk Caramel

Best Investment for 2011. The purchase of Midges latest CD “Blue Bus.” Only $20 and a free autographed block of Whittaker’s Caramel Crème with every CD if you know today’s secret password!!

Hint…Starts with Open and ends in Sesame!

Seriously though folks! Whittaker’s Extra Cacao Chocolate at the Karamea 4 Square now available in new wild flavours: rhubarb and apple crumble, vegan, gluten free, corn on the cobb with extra chilli, …………………….

Midgeman:    I think I should play another song!

DJ Pukeko: Well looks like time has just run out! So its Dosvadonya from Midge and Annabelle.

Midgeman: Can I squeeze in my new single “Temptation” in the last couple of minutes??

DJ Pukeko : Hey! Look Midge! The Radio Karamea donation box looks rather empty!  What??? 100 roubles!! Wow, that is really generous mate! Let me see!! The Russian/New Zealand exchange rate is currently 300-1.

No I don’t need a calculator!!  Now let me see…mm…x/c-2by+2b(a+c)(2d+1c) = ..?????ah… um… ah … = 33.33333333333333333333333 centavos!!! Ok, so the Mexican/New Zealand exchange rate is currently at 27,175-1mmmm 2x(a+b)x+(2bxc)(1cbx1b)  =  ?????Umm  =  .00000000000123 Zimbabwe dollars at 2,987,765,345,384.23 to 1 Oh no! Too late. Now it’s 3,785,567,989,566 to 1……. I need a coffee!

Well I must say this was probably the best show I have had the privilege of delivering to the Radio Karamea fans and if you see a poster of Midge playing anywhere on this planet! Remember it’s Dead or Alive!

So before Wyatt Earp and Doc Holliday gun sling him and throw him in the Sherriff’s lockup, get your Steinways, your Aquaggaswacks, your Balalaikas and your Wazoos get down and get compoting with Midgeman!!

DJ Pukeko: Ok! So that was Midge McLeary LIVE on the 501^st DJ Pukeko Show!!

Last Samurai: Excuse me! Don’t forget to tune into Radio Karamea 107.5 FM on Wednesday nights for the 502nd Blues Show with DJ Crap and the Big Man!!

DJ Pukeko: Oh silly me I can’t count!! That was the 503^rd DJ Pukeko Show!!!

Last Samurai and The Big Man: Actually ….

DJ Pukeko: Oh! Woops a power cut!! Noo!!!!