Karamea Ministry of Red Tape

A New Zealand Government Department authorised by Statute and Royal Decree to receive Official Complaints

Office Manager:      Red Scarlett

Red Scarlett

Senior Complaints  Officer:     Medium Rare

Medium Rare

Secretary:      Rouge Rhubrabra

Rouge Rhubrabra

Market Cross:   Karamea Minstry of Red Tape Office 9.07 am

Rouge Rhubrabra:     Greetings Sir! May I be of assistance to you.

Franken Steinway:    Yes I understand that I can make a complaint here!

Rouge Rhubrabra:      Indeed! Would you like to make an official complaint? Our Official Complaints Officer Medium Rare will attend to you!

Franken Steinway

Franken Steinway:   Well I actually don’t have a complaint. I am bored and I thought it would be rather exciting to file a fictitious complaint.

Medium Rare:    Please step over here and spin the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Official Complaints Wheel of Whinge!

Wheel of Whinge

Franken Steinway:    Yowser!

Whrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Plinka, plinka,plinka, plink!!!

Medium Rare:      Congratulations sir! You have really scored big time!

Franken Steinway:     Wow!

Medium Rare:     Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Complaint 227/4. The Karamea Phantom stole your wife’s crotchless  pink panties from your bosses clothesline!

Franken Steinway:    Butt … butt … butt … I don’t have  a wife!

The Karamea Phantom

Missing Crotchless Pink Panties

Medium Rare:   You sicko ! Then those panties must have been yours!!

Franken Steinway:     Ah!  Can I spin again please?

Medium Rare:     Well ok but I am filing a special report about this!

Franken Steinway:     Phew!

Whrrrrrrrrr ……plinka …………plinka …………..plink

Franken Steinway:     What have I scored this time!

Medium Rare:       The Jackpot!!!!!!

Franken Steinway:    Do I have the right of refusal?

Medium Rare:    No need! This one is a bonanza!!!

Franken Steinway:     Hit me!

Medium Rare:     Karamea Minstry of Red Tape Official Complaint 61/3. You bought a tin of black and white striped paint from the Karamea Hardware Store and there were three white stripes missing!!

Karamea Hardware Store

Franken Steinway:   Boring!!!

Medium Rare:      There were three white stripes missing, you were overcharged twenty cents and there was no squiggly animal at the bottom of the paint tin.

Franken Steinway:    What sort of squiggly animal?

Franken Steinway:    You have a choice between a five legged spotted budgie, a rare Brazilian amphibious gold fish or a white chocaholic rhinoceros.

Franken Steinway:   Ok I’ll go for the rhinoceros!!

White Chocaholic Rhinoceros

Medium Rare:   Wise man! The prescribed fee is $1500 and for a small bribe the World Wildlife Fund will not be informed of your brutality and total disregard for an endangered species.

Franken Steinway:     I’ve changed my mind. I’ll go for the five legged budgie instead.

Medium Rare:    You cretin! That species is now extinct thanks to you!!!

Extinct Five-legged Budgie (with three missing legs)

Franken Steinway:     Amphibious five legged goldfish???

Very Rare Nonexistent Amphibious Five-legged Goldfish

Medium Rare:   Doesn’t exist!!!!! Ha ha ha!

Franken Steinway:  My head hurts where is the exit?

Red Scarlett:     How do you do sir!  I am Red Scarlett  the Karamea Minstry of Red Tape Manager. Did I hear you say exit?

Franken Steinway:  Well um ….   ah  yes   My um head hurts!!!. I need an aspirin.

Red Scarlett:   Exit!   Not possible I’m afraid to say.  No one making an official complaint ever leaves this office alive!

Franken Steinway:   No!   Wait!  I’ve got a pet um ….    ah…..

Red Scarlett:    Pet what??

Franken Steinway:   A pet um?? Persea Americana!!  She’ll miss me!

Persea Americana

Red Scarlett:     Ha! That is the scientific name for an avocado. Now fortunately you have a choice. Do you want to end up as a meat pie, or as an horse d’hoof at the Last Resort Friday sling shot shootem up all you can eat smorgasbord!!

Franken Steinway:    Meat Pie????

Red Scarlett:     Meat pie!!  Wise choice my good man! Now do you want to be garnished with rosemary or mint! Now consider carefully, this an exciting once in a life time decision!!!

Franken Steinway:    You are on bad drugs!!!

Red Scarlett:    Au contraire!! I am an aficionado of Whittakers Extra Cacao Caramel chocolate which helps to define my sense of concise equanimity and sagacious deliberation.

Whittakers Extra Cacao Caramel

Franken Steinway:    I want to see a lawyer!!!

Attorney at Law Avarice Greedy Bastard from the Firm Ambo Lance and Chaser

Red Scarlett:  Your lucky day! I am authorised by Government Statute to take your last will and testament. Karamea Ministry of Red Tape  Form 911 please Rouge!

Franken Steinway:   Aaaaaaaghhhhhhhh!!!!!

Red Scarlett:    Don’t fret! We have an exhilarating choice of testamentary colour schemes too! Deadly nightshade or ghostly pale!

Franken Steinway:  Wow! Look at the time! I just remembered. I have an appointment with my speleologist at 3 pm!!

Red Scarlett:   Ok!  Do you promise to return to the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape office immediately after your appointment!!

Franken Steinway:   I…ah  … promise!!!

Red Scarlett:   Cross your heart and hope to die!!

Franken Steinway:  Ah.. well .. of… course!!

KABOOM!!!!!

Rouge Rhubarbara:     Good shooting boss!! My old granny once told me never to trust a used vacuum cleaner salesman, especially one that drives a Skoda!!!

Medium Rare:    Anyone for a meat pie?

Mrs Lovett’s Special Meat Pies…the Taste of Home