Office Manager:   Red Scarlett

Red Scarlett

Senior Complaints Officer   :  Jacquie La Rapier

Jacquie La Rapier

Office Parrot  :    Bob!

Bob the Office Parrot

Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Office – Market Cross Monday 9.03 a.m.

Sheik DJ Pukeko:   Salam Alekum Sahbiti!

Sheik Pukeko

Office Parrot:    Rurrkk!! Wa salam ! Rurrkkk!! 

Sheik DJ Pukeko:   A thousand humble felicitations O Ignorant Feathered Pedagogue of the Salubrious Temple of Sycophantic Worship!

Office Parrot:   Rurrkk!!  A million greasy yet humble kowtows O Wise Prince of the Burning Sands of the Sahara!

Jacquie La Rapier:   Eh bien Monsieur Sheik! Welcome to the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape, do you wish to file a complaint?

Sheik DJPukeko: If Allah is willing, O Celestial Daughter of the Risen Star of Al Harem Kebaab Rhubarba!

Jacquie La rapier   An official complaint O Magnificent Warrior of the Cosmic Maelstrom of Fortitude?

Sheik DJPukeko:   O yes Mighty Princess of the Third Moon of Al Moro Kakao Galah. I have been wounded in mortal combat!!!

Jacquie La Rapier:   Your humble under worked and over bribed slave is at your esteemed service O Enlightened Third Cousin, Twice Removed of the Wicked Aunt of Al Jeraboam Hezawalli Baabaa!

Sheik DJPukeko:    A calamitous indignity was visited upon my innocent soul by three rebellious infidel sons of the Red Scorpion of Al Kamekuza Beerjaah!

Jacquie La Rapier:   My sagacious quill thirstily awaits to inscribe your tortured aggrievement…um… ah…O  Immortal Prince of the Temple of the Eight Columns of Wisdom!

Sheik DJ Pukeko: Seven!!!

Jacquie La Rapier:  Seven Columns??  A billion sarcastic pardons O Venerable Sage of the East!

Sheik DJPukeko:   A trillion equally sarcastic, but definitively more derisive desert spoons of forgiveness O Bride of the Blood Sucking Black Leech of the Quagmire of El Geezer Salami!

Jacquie La Rapier:      Do you wish to pay by credit card, or cash O Esteemed Corpulent  Father of Flatulence??

Sheik DJPukeko:     By the hairy vertical moustache of the Prophet of Barbieloin! There is a fee?

Jacquie La Rapier:     Yes O Wondrous Lapdog of the Shining Muse of Al Kofe Aroma Bizarre! Five thousand sheikels!!!

Sheik DJPukeko:    Sheikels!!! Heathen Plaything of the Mad Caliph of Cairo, in my kingdom you would be beheaded at dusk by five wise virgins for daring to insult the Prince of Al Panache!

Jacquie La Rapier:    An exponentially fractionalised excuse for a silly sorry O Rapacious Emerald Jewel of the River of El Mozza Rellah Piza Riah!!!

Sheik  DJPukeko:    What proper and worthy form of emolument would satisfy the lucratic lust of the Hungry Tiger of El Cheroot!

Jacquie La Rapier:   The Karamea Ministry of Red Tape also accepts U.S. dollars and long option pork belly futures!!!

Sheik  DJPukeko:    Aaaaaaaahhhh!!!!     Aaaiiieeeee!!!!!!    Eeeeyaaaahhhh!!!!!

Red Scarlett:    Indigestion? O Worthy Devotee of the Salacious Aroma of the Blooming Lustrous Flower of Queen Cleosativa!

Sheik DJPukeko:      The burning ashes of the Raging Volcano of Al Berkchookah be visited upon your house this very day O Transparent  Platitudinous Mongrel of the Bottomless Pit of Iniquity!

Beep    Beep 

Tea Bimbo Thingy: Yes Boss!

Tea Lady

Red Scarlett:    A special coffee for our honourable guest O Fine and Virtuous Purveyor of Lactated Caffeine!

Tea Thingy Bimbo:     Is DJPukeko from Rongo at the front desk pretending to be an Arab Sheik again???

Red Scarlett:    Your psychic  perceptivenesss and unquestionably  inbred inquisitiveness will be rewarded in the heavenly realms O Wise Mother of the Tin of El Bikkah!!

Sheik DJ Pukeko:    Can you please record the wounds of my injured soul O Sultana of the Golden Shrine of Gullibility??

Red Scarlett:    The office is closing for the long holiday weekend O Noble Black Ratfink of the Fiery Conflagration of the Mount of El Tia Maria!

Sheik DJPukeko:   By the Flaming Sabre of El Chow Mein! It’s Monday and it’s only 10 o’clock in the morning O Procrastinating Pistachio of the Fountain of Irresponsibilty!

Red Scarlett:   Yawn!  It’s been a long week!!  Well, ok you have one minute O unfortunate threat to the Yearning Holistic Retreat of El Alco Hola!!

DJPukeko:  The ultimate indignity was heaped upon my virtuous head! I was beaten at chess by Swami Harry Krishna Amdi after being induced to quaff a vile snake venom by two infidel dogs named Alistair and Jonas!!!

Red Scarlett:   Single or double malt???

DJPukeko:     Son of a vegetarian vulture!!! How dare you suggest a servant of Mecca would imbibe the Poison of Foolishness!!

Red Scarlett:   Irish or Scotch???

DJPukeko:   The ambrosia of the green valley of Ell Tullah Morah spiked with the vile tincture of the diamond headed cobra’s bite brought confusion and cerebral inexactitude upon my computational ………………

KABOOM!!!!

Red Scarlett:  Yawn!!!

Quotations about bureaucracy and red tape…

“Every revolution evaporates and leaves behind only the slime of a new bureaucracy.”  ~ Franz Kafka

“Bureaucracy is the epoxy that greases the wheels of progress.” ~ James Boren

“Bureaucracy — the giant power wielded by pygmies.”
~ Honoré de Balzac

“Bureaucracy, the rule of no one, has become the modern form of despotism.”  ~ Mary McCarthy

“To get the attention of a large animal, be it an elephant or a bureaucracy, it helps to know what part of it feels pain. Be very sure, though, that you want its full attention.” ~ Kelvin Throop aka R.A.J. Philips

“The only thing that saves us from the bureaucracy is its inefficiency.”  ~ Eugene McCarthy

“Bureaucracy is the art of making the possible impossible.”  ~ Javier Pascal Salcedo

“Bureaucracy expands to meet the needs of the expanding bureaucracy.” ~ Oscar Wilde.

“If we could ever make red tape nutritional, we could feed the world.” ~ Robert Schaeberle

“You will never understand bureaucracies until you understand that for bureaucrats procedure is everything and outcomes are nothing.”  ~ Thomas Sowell