Karamea Ministry of Red Tape: Who Shot the “Sheriff?”

A New Zealand Government Department Authorised by a Covertly Ambiguous and Deliberately Rhetorical Act of Parliament Compounded by a Subtly Implied Royal Consent to Receive Official Complaints.

Office Manager:   Red Scarlet

Office Manager Red Scarlett

Senior Complaints Officer:   Groover Kakaowski

Senior Complaints Officer: Groover Kakaowski

Office Receptionist:   Regimental Sergeant Major Montgomery Paton (ret.) 2^nd New Zealand Expeditionary Force WWII

Regimental Sergeant Major Montgomery Paton (ret.) 2nd New Zealand Expeditionary Force WWII

Tea Lady:    Baroness Margaret Hilda Thatcher, Baroness Thatcher, LG, OM, PC, FRS

Tea Lady: Baroness Margaret Hilda Thatcher

Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Office Market Cross

Wednesday April 1st 4.08 p.m.

Monty:    Good afternoon sir. May I be of assistance?

Eric Clapton

Eric Clapton:    Yes hello. I wish to lodge a complaint against Radio Karamea 107.5 FM!!!

Monty:     Groover Kakaowski,  the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Senior Complaints Officer will personally deal with your grouch!!

Groover Kakaowski:    An official complaint??

Eric Clapton:    Yes, they won’t play my music. I have been accused of being a plagiarist and I don’t even like honey!!

Groover Kakaowski:   Really? Can I have your full name for our records?

Eric Clapton:     It’s me the incredibly famous Eric Patrick Clapton but my mates call me Guru!

 Groover Kakaowski:    Never heard of you!

Eric Clapton:   Impossible!!! I’m unarguably the most famous guitarist and singer of all time!

Groover Kakaowski:    Sing me one of your greatest hits!!

Eric Clapton:    “I’m a little tea pot short and stout…………………….”

Groover  Kakaowski:    Wow! My favourite tune! Yeah right Tui!!

Beep beep

Red Scarlett:    This better be important I’m rather busy trying to zero our tax liability for undeclared bribes!!

Groover Kakaowski:   You’ll never guess who is at the front counter! An absolute maestro in his field!!

Red Scarlett:    Yowser!! Georgie Best!! I didn’t know you could play the guitar!!

 Eric Clapton:    I’m Eric Clapton.!!

Eric Clapton

Red Scarlett:    Not familiar with that name. I’ll check the office “Who’s Who!”

Eric Clapton:    Page 47!!!

Red Scarlet:     Mmmm! Erik the Red, Erik the Purple. Erik the Impala, Erika the Naughty!! No! No Eric Clapton!!

Eric Clapton:    I’m the greatest composer of all time! Senoritas love me!!

Red Scarlet:    Ok quoth me your most well known magnus opus!

Eric Clapton:     The 1812 Overture! I wrote that during half time of an FA Coop tie between Bangor Tuesday and Man U!!

Red Scarlet:     Au contraire! believe Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky wrote that to commemorate the salvation of Moscow and the victory over Napoleon’s Grand Armee at the Battle of Borodino in 1812!!! !

Eric Clapton:    Bollocks!! Bangor Tuesday walloped Man U 18-12. Tschaikovksy is a Time Lord and travelled into my subconscious to steal my greatest masterpiece!! Bloody Russkies!!

Red Scarlet:     Any other claims to fame Mr…. Mr…??

Eric Clapton:    Clapton!! C..L..A..P..T..O..N!!!

Maggie:     Anyone for tea??

Eric Clapton:   I’m probably the most accomplished philosopher, mathematician, nuclear physicist, author, artist and raconteur since post homo erectus!!

Groover Kakaowski:   Wow!!!

 Red Scarlet:    Wow!!!

Monty:   Wow!!!

Maggie:   Wow!!

Eric Clapton:   Some overdue humble respect!! Bueno!!

Groover Kakaowski:    No!! Your fly is open and you’ve got no balls!!

Eric Clapton:    Aaagghh!! Look at that painting on the wall! I Eric the Magnificent painted that in my post modernist Marxist revolutionary period!!

Red Scarlet:   The Last Supper!!!

Eric Clapton:   Now do you believe I am the one and only Eric Clapton??

Red Scarlet:   Who??

Eric Clapton:    E=MC2?? Cogito ergo sum?? The sum of the hypotoneuse.. blah blah blah?? “Friends Romans countrymen!”??

Groover Kakaowski:    I’ll ring the Rongo crew! They will be able to identify you and say whether you are Eric Clapton or not!!

Ring ring

“She don’t like, she don’t like champagne!”

DJ Crap:   Yeah! Radio Karamea 107.5 FM. Tune into the 500th Blues Show on Radio Karamea tonight with DJ Crap and The Big Man at 8.00 p.m.

DJ Crap and the Big Man Live on 107.5

Red Scarlet:    Hey DJ Crap!

DJ Crap

DJ Crap:    Yo!!

Red Scarlet:    We have a rather scurrilous impostor here claiming to be Eric Clapton. Can you come down to the Karamea Minstry of Red Tape offices and identify him?

DJ Crap:    Ha ha ha!! Impossible!! Eric is buried in our cactus garden guarded by San Pedro!

The Big Man:    This will be a hoot. Look it’s April 1st! April Fools’ Day!!

DJ Big Man

Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Offices Market Cross

April 1^st Wednesday 4.35 p.m.

DJ Crap:    Holy Crap it’s ELVIS!!

ELVIS

Eric Clapton:    Holy Toledo!! It’s DJ Crap!!!

DJ Crap:    Mr. Presley Sir we would be most honoured if you would be our special guest on Radio Karamea Blues Show tonight!

Eric Clapton: Hey! Whoa! Don’t you step on my blue suede shoes!!

The Big Man:    (whisper) (It really is Eric Clapton!!)

DJ Crap:   (whisper) ( We’ll expose him as a fraud on the Blues Show tonight!!)

The Big Man:    Gotcha!!

Maggie:   Tea and bikkies!!!

Eric Clapton:    Yeah whoa babe! I’ll have a shot of Ol’ Buzzard sour mash bourbon in my coffee, shaken not stirred!! Hey whoa!

Groover Kakaowski:    (Whisper) ( Boss! The Karamea Ministry of Red Tape has a strict policy that no complainant leaves this office alive!)

Red Scarlet:    (whisper) (Right, Plan B! We’ll execute him after the Blues Show!!)

8.00p.m. Radio Shack Radio Karamea 107.5 FM

The Big Man:    You have just tuned into the 500th Blues Show and tonight we have the SECOND COMING OF ELVIS!!!

SuperMoo:   Woof!

SuperMoo

Baabaa:    Baa!

BaBa

Rusty:    Yodeleyeho!!

Rusty

DJ Crap:    You appear to have a rather erudite and sophisticated fan base Your Majesty!!

Eric Clapton:    I am The King of Rock and Roll!!

DJ Crap:    Pelvis is going to sing live for us on the Blues Show!!

Eric Clapton:    Can I have a drum roll??

DJ Crap:   Jesus!! OK OK!!

Eric Clapton:    That’s a Swiss Jam roll!!

The Big Man:    Mmm!!!Yummy!!

DJ Crap:    Ok! Stand by for the King!!

Ring ring

The Big Man:    Hello Radio Karamea 107.5 FM! Home of the one and only 500th Blues Show!

Agnes Busybody:    My pet chihuahua Brutus went walkies and has just gone missing! Can you put a description of him over the air??

Agnes BusyBody

Eric Clapton:    Hey Bitch!! It’s me Elvis, live on air!! No one cares about your silly poodle. He’s probably road kill by now!!

Agnes BusyBody:   Boo hoo!

Eric Clapton:      Byeee!!

DJ Crap:     8.15 on the Blues Show! Ok Elvis hit it!!

Eric Clapton:    Oh, Amazing Grace how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me.”

DJ Crap:     Moo! Get off Mr. Presley’s leg!

Eric Clapton:    “You aint nothing but a hound dog and you aint no friend of mine..”

DJ Crap:    Live interview with The One and Only Elvis THE King of Rock and roll, only on Radio Karamea 107.5 FM! So tell the good folk of Karamea where you have been hiding all these years!

Eric Clapton:    Yeah whoa! I’ve been hanging out with my ultra talented best buddy Eric Clapton in an Ashram in Myasapore seeking enlightenment and Nirvana!!

Eric Clapton

The Big Man:    You know Eric Clapton?? Wow, Elvis you move in elevated circles!!!

Eric Clapton:    You know people think I’m a cool dude but I want to tell the listeners of Radio Karamea and the whole world that Eric is THE MAN!! He can walk on water, he invented the widget and he makes a mean apple strudel!!

DJ Crap:    Ok! One more song Mr. Presley Sir!!

Eric Clapton:     “I shot the sherriff……..

Kaboom!!!!

DJ Crap:     Nice shootin pardner!

Groover Kakaowski:    Why thank y’all!!

Groover Kakaowski

The Big Man:    No way Baabaa!! You’re a committed vegan!!

Baabaa:    Scrunch!! Wooollff!!! Fart!!!

Red Scarlet:     My God!!! Eric goulash!

DJ Crap:     Tune in next week to the Radio Karamea Blues Show when we will have Leon Trotsky and Che Gueavara discussing Conspiracy Theory in relation to Irish UFO’S!!

The Big Man:      Burp!! Eric’s bullshit has given me indigestion!!!

Eric Clapton is Gratefully Dead

After the demise of the “artist” formerly known as Eric Clapton, sales of the worst-selling book of all time plummeted further…the world now knows what Karamea Radio has known for many years…that Eric Clapton is a no-talent plagiarist who never once had an original thought in his miserable life…Karamea Radio says what it has always said…Eric who?

The Guardian Agrees with the Rongolian Star

Eric Clapton: He’s always been questionable company.

Eric Clapton used to be called Slowhand, but perhaps he ought to be called Secondhand. The celebration of this cultural pilferer probably won’t point out the level to which he can be uninspired, and objectionable.

He’s always been questionable company. In 1965, the Yardbirds were convinced that their third single, the groundbreaking For Your Love, would be a hit, with the potential to wow the masses. But the mix of bongos, harpsichords and tempo shifts was too much for their purist guitarist. Clapton quit.

Yardbirds’ drummer Jim McCarty said that “Eric had these R&B mod songs he wanted us to do. Him leaving was a relief. Eric would be sitting in the van not talking to anyone. You’d think he’s so moody, he’s such a pain, we’re fed up with this.” With that, the grumpy Clapton was free to pursue his muse.

Except that it wasn’t his muse. Clapton is a serial borrower. He even borrowed Jimi Hendrix’s hair in 1967, perming his barnet to emulate the recently-arrived guitar hero. Most of his 1970s hits were chugging, Mogadon-paced covers: Bob Marley’s I Shot The Sheriff, Dylan’s Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door. His creativity with Cream, such as Strange Brew, were collaborations. Left to Clapton, Cream would have played half-hour versions of Robert Johnson’s Crossroads. And the thrilling guitar on Layla was played by Duane Allman.

When not channelling the talents of others, there’s his tendency towards the lachrymose. If his song Wonderful Tonight, a tribute to his then wife Patti Boyd, articulated his true feelings, she must have been married to a man with all the complexity of a block of wood. Boyd’s recent autobiography chronicles the control freakery that dominated the relationship, revealed his extra-marital affairs and his love of the bottle.More bizarre was his wearing of whites to watch cricket on TV. Pasta preceded viewing The Godfather.

Another musical blub fest, Tears In Heaven, was at least written in response to what must have been a nightmare – his son Conor falling to his death from a 53rd-floor apartment in 1991.

However, Clapton has no problem letting fly when he needs to get something off his chest. In 1976 – drunk and loose-lipped – he used a Birmingham concert to praise racist Tory Enoch Powell and declare that Britain was becoming a “black colony” and that he wanted “the foreigners out”. (Handy that Hendrix was dead). Reports of this show led directly to the formation of Rock Against Racism. In 2004, he told Uncut mag that Powell was “outrageously brave”, rather than dismiss his past comments as drunk ravings.

Clapton’s popularity is a mystery – there’s no fire, no abandon, no musical identity. Given a platform, Clapton will either send you to sleep or offend your musical sensibilities with pap. But both of those must be better than hearing his pathetic political views.

Eric Clapton and George Harrison in happier times…before Clapton stole Harrison’s wife Patti Boyd. Clapton is SO unoriginal, he couldn’t even get his own wife!

Clapton pretending to be Lawrence of Arabia

Clapton as the Sphinx…come on Eric…get your own look, the Egyptians did this 8,000 years ago!

Eric with his Dear Old Mum