Karamea Ministry of Red Tape #10

Red Scarlett

A New Zealand Government Department Authorised by a Covertly Ambiguous and Deliberately Rhetorical Act of Parliament Compounded by a Subtly Implied Royal Consent to Receive Official Complaints. 

Office Manager:    Red Scarlett

Senior Complaints Office: Rubik Khan

Rubik Khan

Ruby Monda

Secretary: Ruby Monday


Office Mongoose: Bob!

Receptionist/Tea Bimbette/Cleaner /Accounts:    Mrs Doyle

Mrs Doyle

The Offices of The Karamea Ministry of Red Tape: 

Market Cross, July 4th! Public Counter

The Offices of the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape: Front Counter

Dan Quayle:       Hi there! I am here to make a complaint about…..

Dan Quail

Rubik Khan:        An official complaint Mr. Vice President???

Daniel Quayle:    Yes indeeedy!!

Rubik Khan:       Red Scarlett, the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Office Manager is the only staff member authorised to process official complaints from VIP’s.

The Manager’s Office

Red Scarlett:      Yawn!! Boring!! Mondays are so tedious!!

Red Scarlett and some bearded dude…

Rubik Khan: The Vice President of America, Mister Daniel Quayle is at the front counter!

Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Front Counter

Red Scarlett:    Yawn!! We are greatly honoured to have the Vice President of America attend the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape. (Yeah right Tui!)

Dan Quayle:    Your hospitality impresses me. God Bless America!

Dan Quayle

Red Scarlett:   Yawn!! I hereby authorise myself to grant an intellectual behemoth such as yourself the Freedom of Karamea!

Dan Quayle:   Why thank ye!   Say is that security camera providing a live feed on satellite TV?

Red Scarlett:      Yawn!! Well ..   n…..n….ah..yes of course! Smile!!

Daniel Quayle:     I just want to tell the good people of America….

Rubik Khan:     Why? Are the bad people of America blind and deaf??

Rubik Khan…somewhere in the 23rd Century Galactic….

Daniel:    No! Just stupid and illiterate.

Dan the MAN

Red Scarlett:     Touche!  Mr. Vice President Sir!

Bright Red Scarlett Blushing

Dan: This moment of truth was brought to you by my campaign sponsor Twinkies Cereal.

Call   1 800 747 737 now and receive your free Twinky Bear!!

Red Scarlett:   Mr. Quail, please describe to me the machinations of your complaint!

Mr. Vice President Sir:    I don’t know how to spell your New Zealand Zezpree!


Rubik Khan:    Ohmigod! Mr. Quayle! I think you’re bleeding!

Red Scarlett:   Yawn!! Um.. get… ah .. um…  an aspirin!

Rubik Khan:    You just mortally wounded Dan!

Red Scarlett:     I’m having a bad-hair day alright! Now get me an aspirin!

Royal Red Scarlett

Daniel Quayle:     I   n..e.e.d ..a…..d…da…d..oc..to..r!!

Office  Mongoose:      Fart!


Beep Beep  

Ruby Monday:   Yes Boss!

Ruby Monday

Red Scarlett:    Is there any whisky left over from last night’s Kangaroo Court.

Ruby Monday:   Just enough for Holy Communion after the rugger test on Saturday!

Red Scarlett:    Say! What blood type are you?

Ruby Monday:    Type AA. Why?

Red Scarlett:    I’m feeling rather faint!

Daniel Quayle VP USA:       I…….y……aahh…..

Frail Dan Quayle

Rubik Khan:      Z…..e…..s…..p…..r…..i……

Daniel Q:       I  …k..n.ew…. th.a..t!!

Secret Service Agent Malone:    Red Scarlett???

Red Scarlett:      Que?

Secret Service Agent Malone:    Do you realise the extremely serious consequences for executing the Vice President of the United States of America??

Red Scarlett:    Loss of my air points??

Secret Service Agent Malone:   I arrest you in the Name of The Law!

Secret Service Agent Malone

Red Scarlett:   I am The Law in the offices of The Karamea Ministry of Red Tape. This man is a wanted terrorist on The Red Tape Top 100!

Red Scarlett

Secret Service Agent Malone:   Really?  I’m sorry I didn’t know!

Secret Service Agent Phelps:   Are we in trouble??

Red Scarlett: Let me consult the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Official Manual. Um..ah..Here we go Regulation  747/45.   “To whit..blah blah blah… Vice President USA…blah blah blah…. Zespri…blah blah blah.. ..bullet lodged in right cranial vacuum… blah… blah….dying confession… blah.. blah ..blah…

Rubik Khan:   Blah!!

Red Scarlett:    I beg your pardon!

Rubik Khan:    You missed a blah between cranial vacuum and dying confession!

Red Scarlett:    True! We must follow strict procedure!!

Secret Service Agent Phelps:    Do we need a lawyer??

Secret Service Agent Phelps

Red Scarlett:   We need to take this dying man’s last confession.

Rubik Khan:    I’ll go and get Father Murphy!

Red Scarlett   (whisper)… (Pat Murphy’s not a real father!!)

Rubik Khan:   (whisper)….( yes he is, he’s got two sons and three daughters and his wife Rosa can make us some raspberry scones)

Father  .  I.. mean..ah … Pat Murphy:      Well noooo! Aaagh!  Confess young man and receive…..

Father Murphy

Red Scarlett:      (whisper)…..(Absolution!!)

Patrick Murphy’s Law:     (whisper)…..( What the feck is that??)

Red Scarlett:      (whisper)…( Didn’t you see The Exorcist??)

Father Murphy:      Confess my son and receive Abso  Lution!!!

Daniel Quayle:     I…   s.h..o..t    JFK from the glassy troll!!

Mrs. Doyle:     Mr. Vice President Sir???

Daniel:     U..hhh …a..hhhh!

Mrs Doyle:     Would you like a cup of tea!

Daniel Quayle, very soon to be ex Vice President of The United States of America:    Aaaaghhh!

Mrs Doyle:      Go on noo. Have a cup of tea!!

Daniel Quayle:      No…one….ever…..

Rubik Khan:      Silence!! This could be a revelation that could send Wall Street into free fall!

Father Murphy:      Go on my son!

Daniel Quayle:     No…one…. ever…..taught ..me….how….to…..inhale!!!

Mrs Doyle:      Sugar, Mr. Quayle??

Daniel Quayle:       P….o…t…..a…….t…….o?…..e?…..s????

Jesus Christ:     Shalom

Jesus Christ!!

Secret Service Agent Malone:    Scram you long haired hippy freak. There is important American  Vice Presidential business going on here!!

Secret Service Agent Malone

Jesus Christ:    I am the way and the truth!

Jesus Christ

Red Scarlett:     Jesus! I read in the Bible that you raised Lazarus from the dead! Can you lay your healing hands on Mr. Quayle?

Jesus Christ:      Your brother still breathes!!


Jesus Christ:     Bitch!!  You shot me in the foot!

Red Scarlett:      Oops!!

Rubik Khan:    Wow!  On your knees!  A divine miracle from heaven!!  Look at Mr. Quayle!!  Hes…he’s..ah……dead!!

Red Scarlett:     Jesus! Cometh the hour cometh the man!

Jesus Christ:      Get lost! Why would I bring an idiot back from the dead!!

Mrs Doyle:       Mr. Christ?? Would you like a cup of tea???

Mrs Doyle

About LivinginPeaceProject

Paul Murray is the founder of the LivinginPeace Project. www.livinginpeace.com Paul originally from Australia, but have been living in New Zealand for 14 years. Before that he was in Japan for a decade working as a journalist. He met his wife Sanae in Japan and they married in 2008.
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4 Responses to Karamea Ministry of Red Tape #10

  1. DJP says:

    Bolshoe Krasny Kapusta!!

  2. Jeezuz says:

    I want compo for that silly trollop shooting me in the foot! Shalom!!


  3. Speak with the treasury at the Vatican…

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