Even More Viz Top Tips for Every Day Living…

MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.
ANNOY and frustrate SpecSavers staff by wandering up to their counter, squinting your eyes whilst looking up at the price board, and when they ask if they can help you, saying “Big Mac and large fries, please.”

BIRD FLU could be quickly and easily eradicated by adding a few drops of Lemsip or Daynurse to birdbaths. (Obviously, you would have to put Nightnurse in the birdbaths for owls.)

LADY drivers. Draw a little diagram on a Post-it showing the position of the hand brake and gear stick, and stick it to your dashboard. This will save you having to look for them when the lights go green.
DOG owners. Don’t waste money on a lead. Simply walk your dog backwards holding its tail.
FATTIES. Take a tip from smokers and stop your cravings for crisps By Sellotaping a crisp to the top of your arm each morning.
PUBLIC toilet users. When you realise the person in the next cubicle is holding fire until you leave, simply open and close the toilet door without leaving. Their first plop can then be greeted with a huge cheer.
CONVINCE bar staff that your pint is off by sticking your finger up your arse before holding the glass close to their nose.
DRUNKEN drivers. When making your way home from a night out, put ‘L’ plates on your car to convince patrol-ling police that any careless driving is the result of inexperience rather than drink. How you explain a 3am driving lesson is up to you.
MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
FELLAS. Stand outside an Ann Summers shop dressed in a security guard’s uniform with a smoke detector in your pocket. When a fit bird walks out, simply press the smoke alarm button and voila! A free grope!
SMOKERS. ‘Every cigarette you smoke takes 10 seconds off your life’, health experts say. To combat this, at the end of every day work out how many seconds you have ‘lost’, and simply go to bed that much later, or wake up that much earlier the next morning. Hey presto! your lost time is returned.
DISCARDED PALLETS make ideal ‘designer futons’ for style-conscious tramps.
WOMEN Don’t waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn’t give a shit anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you’ve been banged.

About LivinginPeaceProject

Paul Murray is the founder of the LivinginPeace Project. www.livinginpeace.com Paul originally from Australia, but have been living in New Zealand for 14 years. Before that he was in Japan for a decade working as a journalist. He met his wife Sanae in Japan and they married in 2008.
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