The Karamea Ministry of Red Tape
A New Zealand Government Department authorised by a covertly fictitious and rhetorically ambiguous Act of Parliament and compounded by a tacitly implied Royal Approval to receive Official Complaints.
Office Manager: Red Scarlett
Red Scarlett
Senior Complaints Officer: Comrade Joseph Stalin
Office Receptionist: Barak O’Banana
Barak O’Banana
Office Executioner: Gitt Romney
Gitt Romney
Office Rats: Jaws, Pete Piranha, Cannibal Joe, Mack the Knife
Cannibal Joe
Mack the Knife
Tea Lady: Miss Millicent Hyacinth Rosebloom
Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Office, Market Cross, Karamea
Karamea Ministry of Red Tape
Staff Training Conference 8.30 a.m. Monday November 5th
Red Scarlett: Staff!!! Attention!!! In the interests of staff training we need to re-educate everyone in Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Official Protocols and Procedures!
Comrade Joseph Stalin: Yawning!!!!
Red Scarlett: Joe! Wake up! This is very important!
Comrade Joseph Stalin: Da! Still yawning!!!!
Red Scarlett: “Protocol 7. No person making an Official Complaint who exceeds one hundred years of age is to be executed without verbal permission from one or more living great grandparents!”
Barak O’Banana: Fairly restrictive legislation eh what!
Comrade Joseph Stalin: Indeed we needing be innovative, flexible and imaginative to overcome such harsh regulatory obstructioning!
Red Scarlett: “Protocol 11. Any person of English heritage is subject to summary execution upon the placement of any Official Complaint no matter how trivial!”
Miss Millicent Hyacinth Rosebloom: Whinging bloody Poms!!
Red Scarlett: Indeed! Priority 1.
Red Scarlett: “Protocol 15. Methodology of execution! In order of staff merit points!
- Pistol shot in the left cornea – 100 points!
- Decapitation by Karamea Ministry of Red Tape office
guillotine – 175 points!
- Eaten alive by ferocious office rats – 250 points!
- Genital electrocution by 500,000 volt Taser –400 points!
- Consumption of Special Coffee – 500 points!
Comrade Joseph Stalin: What if Official Complaining is blinding in left eye, has such big head that won’t fitting neatly and snugly into our office guillotine, is so repulsing our office rats needing psychological counselling after good snacking, has no balls, and allerging to coffee!
Red Scarlett: Mmmmmm! Point taken Joe!
Comrade Joseph Stalin: What if the Official Complaining is also over one hundred years of age and we can’t finding a living great grandparent to give verballing?
Red Scarlett: Yes indeed Comrade! An interesting hypothetical scenario!
Comrade Joseph Stalin: What if a really hot young English rose walking into Karamea Ministry of Red Tape toplessing to make Official Complaining?
Red Scarlett: What if I castrate you with my toenail clippers?!?
Comrade Joseph Stalin: What if I just shutting up?!?
Red Scarlett: Right troops! Listen up! The Karamea Ministry of Red Tape is way behind in its monthly body count quota! Today is Massacre Monday!!!!
Comrade Joseph Stalin: Alrighting!!!!
Gitt Romney: Baaaaa!!! Yo!!!
Barak O’Banana: Out….a….sight!!!
Office Rats: Gobble gobble gobble!!!!
Miss Millicent Hyacinth Rosebloom: Cup of tea???
Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Offices 9 a.m.
Johnathon Winespur: Ah hello…….
KABOOM!!!
Red Scarlett: Excuse me young lady!!! What about following Official Protocols and Procedures?? We need to establish whether any visitor to the offices of the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape is actually going to file an Official Complaint, then we need to extort a suitably outrageous fee, then the prescribed methodology of execution needs to be determined by throwing a dart at our office Horror Scope!
Miss Millicent Hyacinth Rosebloom: Pardon me sir, but his overt body language told me that he had an English father, was about to make a frivolous Official Complaint, that he was a penniless bankrupt and I don’t need to throw a dart at a silly Horror Scope to take away the pure undefiled joy of watching his right cornea implode into his cranial cavity!!!!
Red Scarlett: Ai Caramba!!! The Official Manual says “ Left cornea!!!!!”
Miss Millicent Hyacinth Rosebloom : Oops!!!!
Red Scarlett: Now look here comes another potential Official Complainant. This time I want you to exercise some diplomacy, tact and discretion!!!
Michael Ridiculous: Ah….
Kaboom!!!
Miss Millicent Hyacinth Rosebloom: Yowser!!!!
Comrade Joseph Stalin: Bolshoe Krasny Kapusta!!! Nice shooting Millie!
Red Scarlett: Please!!!! Dear God!!!!
Kaboom!!!
Miss Millicent Hyacinth Rosebloom: He was still twitching!!!
Red Scarlett: Give me that bloody pistol!!!You are the bloody tea lady!! You’re not bloody authorised to execute bloody Official Complainants!!!!
Miss Millicent Hyacinth Rosebloom: Boo hoo hoo!
Red Scarlett: What the bloody heck are you crying about??
Miss Millicent Hyacinth Rosebloom: You shouted at me!! You’ve hurt my feelings!!!
Red Scarlett: Ring a bloody doctor!! I need to have bloody nervous breakdown!!!!
Albert GrossBurger: Goot morning! I vish to make ze Official Complaint!
Comrade Joseph Stalin: Do you having any one of English parents??
Albert Grossburger: Nein!
Comrade Joseph Stalin: RATS!!!!
Jaws, Pete Piranha, Cannibal Joe, Mack the Knife: GOBBLE Aaagghh!! Aaagghh!!! Aaagghhh!!GOBBLE GOBBLE Aaaaaaghh…….
.png)
Jaws
Pete Piranha
Beep Beep
Gitt Romney: Baaaa!!!Yes Boss!
Red Scarlett: Red Alert!! I need you to dispose of two bodies, twenty seven teeth and one bloated over gorged rat! Pronto!
Beep Beep
Red Scarlett: Yes!!!
Barak O’Banana: Constable Paddy Locks of the Karamea Police is at the front counter on official business!!!
Red Scarlett: Good morning Constable! Look we are rather busy could you please come back next year!!
Constable Paddy Locks: This will only take a minute!!
Red Scarlett: Gulp!! Do I need a lawyer??
Constable Paddy Locks: No of course not. Now look here this is a New Zealand Police Official Missing Persons Report. Can you please circulate this amongst your staff and see if they know anything about these persons whereabouts!
Red Scarlett: Whew!! I mean of course….my pleasure…I mean…my duty!!
Constable Paddy Locks: Top o’ t’ morning to ya!
Red Scarlett: Ok Men, Rats, Millie! Please peruse this Police Missing Persons Report at your leisure preferably outside office hours and see if you can positively identify anyone in these photos!
Comrade Joseph Stalin: Wondering what happened to poor suckers!!
Miss Millicent Hyacinth Rosebloom: Oh such an extraordinary number of missing persons for a town like Karamea with a population of only 650!
Barak O’Banana: Perhaps we should send out the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape “Search and Destroy Squad” to hunt them down!
Red Scarlett: Ok ok!! Cut the humour!! These people are all previous visitors to the offices of the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape to make an Official Complaint!
Miss Millicent Hyacinth Rosebloom: Look at that one! What shifty eyes!!
Barak O’Banana: Yes and such a high forehead!!
Comrade Joseph Stalin: Having really hairy nostrils!!!!
Red Scarlett: Very funny!! That is Constable Paddy Locks’ Official Police ID photo on his letterhead!!
Comrade Joseph Stalin: Him having English mother!! Aaaggghhh!!!
Miss Millicent Hyacinth Rosebloom: He drinks coffee!!!Aaagghhh!!!
Barak O’Banana: He’s got no testicles!! Aaaagghhhhh!!!!
Gitt Romney: Baaaa!!! His head would fit nicely into our office guillotine!
Comrade Joseph Stalin: Constable Locks’ a one eyed Cantabrian!!Aaaghh!
Red Scarlett: Millie did you put too much sugar in everyone’s tea this morning??
Miss Millicent Hyacinth Rosebloom: Most certainly not!! I found a small bottle of sugar substitute in the bottom drawer of your office desk!!!
Red Scarlett: Noooooo!!! That ..is..ah..um…my. my..medication!!!
Miss Millicent Hyacinth Rosebloom: Strange! The bottle said “To be taken nasally!!!
Red Scarlett: Ah … um.. yes.. for my..my… sinuses!!!!
Miss Millicent Hyacinth Rosebloom: Yo!!!! Whoa!!!!
Barak O’Banana: Yeah like crazy!!!!
Comrade Joseph Stalin: Yowzering!!!!
Gitt Romney: Baaaaaa!!!! Hey wow! Look! The Karamea Area School pogo stick team cheerleaders!!!
Red Scarlett: Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aaa aaa aaa aaa aaa aaa aaa aaa aaa!!!
Red Scarlett: Nooooooo!!! You silly bitch!!! Where did you get that machine gun from!! Stop shooting!!!!
Aaa aaa aaa aaa aaa aaa aaa aaa aaa!!!
Miss Millicent Hyacinth Rosebloom: Yeee…haah!!!!!!!
Ring Ring
Red Scarlett: Fuck Off!!!!
Constable Paddy Locks: Begging your pardon Miss Scarlett!!!!
Red Scarlett: Lock me up and throw away the bloody key!!!
Constable Paddy Locks: Ah to be sure!! I am proud to inform you that the Vienna Boys’ Choirrr are singing tonight in the Karamea Rrreturned Services lounge!
Red Scarlett: So fucking what?????
Constable Paddy Locks: As part of their Overseas Experience I am sending them along the road to visit the offices of the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape!!!
Red Scarlett: Nooooooo!!!! Aaaaaagggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
Constable Paddy Locks: Wow!!!!! B minor in C flat!!
Bertram Worthington Esquire: Excuse me!!!!
Red Scarlett: Yes sir!!
Bertram Worthington Esquire: I am Bertram Worthington Esquire the New Zealand Government Departmental Inspector and I am here to make serious inquiry into the auspices of this office!!!!
Red Scarlett: Ha ha! Oh bother!
Comrade Joseph Stalin: Shall I shooting him Boss?
Bertram Worthington Esquire: I beg your pardon young man!!
Red Scarlett: An in house joke!! Ha ha ha! Please step into my office!!
Bertram Worthington: I can find no official acknowledgment of the existence of this New Zealand Government Department anywhere in my Official Catalogue!!!
Red Scarlett: Er.. well.. I.. can.. explain!!!
Bertram Worthington Esquire: Good!! I have all day!!!
Red Scarlett: Do sit down and have a special coffee!!!
Bertram Worthington Esquire: Thank you very much!!! S..l..u..r..p!!!!
Red Scarlett: Sugar????
Bertram Worthington Esquire: Why all the bullet holes in your office desk??
Red Scarlett: You wouldn’t believe it …. but……
Bertram Worthington Esquire: Why does this coffee taste so………..
Beep Beep
Barak O’Banana: Trouble at Mill Boss???
Red Scarlett: Mmm! Mr Bertram Worthington Esquire seems to be taking a rather long nap! Do you think you could feed him to the office guard dogs???
Barak O’Banana: Did you check his pockets for Whittakers Extra Cacao Chocolate????
Red Scarlett: Scrumch! Scrumch! Yes indeed!!! Found some flavoured chewing gum too! Durex Mentos!
Like this:
Like Loading...
Related
The Rongolian Star 
The Karamea Ministry of Red Tape #17
The Karamea Ministry of Red Tape
A New Zealand Government Department authorised by a covertly fictitious and rhetorically ambiguous Act of Parliament and compounded by a tacitly implied Royal Approval to receive Official Complaints.Office Manager: Red Scarlett
Red Scarlett
Senior Complaints Officer: Comrade Joseph Stalin
Office Receptionist: Barak O’Banana
Barak O’Banana
Office Executioner: Gitt Romney
Gitt Romney
Office Rats: Jaws, Pete Piranha, Cannibal Joe, Mack the Knife
Cannibal Joe
Mack the Knife
Tea Lady: Miss Millicent Hyacinth Rosebloom
Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Office, Market Cross, Karamea
Karamea Ministry of Red Tape
Staff Training Conference 8.30 a.m. Monday November 5th
Red Scarlett: Staff!!! Attention!!! In the interests of staff training we need to re-educate everyone in Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Official Protocols and Procedures!
Comrade Joseph Stalin: Yawning!!!!
Red Scarlett: Joe! Wake up! This is very important!
Comrade Joseph Stalin: Da! Still yawning!!!!
Red Scarlett: “Protocol 7. No person making an Official Complaint who exceeds one hundred years of age is to be executed without verbal permission from one or more living great grandparents!”
Barak O’Banana: Fairly restrictive legislation eh what!
Comrade Joseph Stalin: Indeed we needing be innovative, flexible and imaginative to overcome such harsh regulatory obstructioning!
Red Scarlett: “Protocol 11. Any person of English heritage is subject to summary execution upon the placement of any Official Complaint no matter how trivial!”
Miss Millicent Hyacinth Rosebloom: Whinging bloody Poms!!
Red Scarlett: Indeed! Priority 1.
Red Scarlett: “Protocol 15. Methodology of execution! In order of staff merit points!
guillotine – 175 points!
Comrade Joseph Stalin: What if Official Complaining is blinding in left eye, has such big head that won’t fitting neatly and snugly into our office guillotine, is so repulsing our office rats needing psychological counselling after good snacking, has no balls, and allerging to coffee!
Red Scarlett: Mmmmmm! Point taken Joe!
Comrade Joseph Stalin: What if the Official Complaining is also over one hundred years of age and we can’t finding a living great grandparent to give verballing?
Red Scarlett: Yes indeed Comrade! An interesting hypothetical scenario!
Comrade Joseph Stalin: What if a really hot young English rose walking into Karamea Ministry of Red Tape toplessing to make Official Complaining?
Red Scarlett: What if I castrate you with my toenail clippers?!?
Comrade Joseph Stalin: What if I just shutting up?!?
Red Scarlett: Right troops! Listen up! The Karamea Ministry of Red Tape is way behind in its monthly body count quota! Today is Massacre Monday!!!!
Comrade Joseph Stalin: Alrighting!!!!
Gitt Romney: Baaaaa!!! Yo!!!
Barak O’Banana: Out….a….sight!!!
Office Rats: Gobble gobble gobble!!!!
Miss Millicent Hyacinth Rosebloom: Cup of tea???
Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Offices 9 a.m.
Johnathon Winespur: Ah hello…….
KABOOM!!!
Red Scarlett: Excuse me young lady!!! What about following Official Protocols and Procedures?? We need to establish whether any visitor to the offices of the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape is actually going to file an Official Complaint, then we need to extort a suitably outrageous fee, then the prescribed methodology of execution needs to be determined by throwing a dart at our office Horror Scope!
Miss Millicent Hyacinth Rosebloom: Pardon me sir, but his overt body language told me that he had an English father, was about to make a frivolous Official Complaint, that he was a penniless bankrupt and I don’t need to throw a dart at a silly Horror Scope to take away the pure undefiled joy of watching his right cornea implode into his cranial cavity!!!!
Red Scarlett: Ai Caramba!!! The Official Manual says “ Left cornea!!!!!”
Miss Millicent Hyacinth Rosebloom : Oops!!!!
Red Scarlett: Now look here comes another potential Official Complainant. This time I want you to exercise some diplomacy, tact and discretion!!!
Michael Ridiculous: Ah….
Kaboom!!!
Miss Millicent Hyacinth Rosebloom: Yowser!!!!
Comrade Joseph Stalin: Bolshoe Krasny Kapusta!!! Nice shooting Millie!
Red Scarlett: Please!!!! Dear God!!!!
Kaboom!!!
Miss Millicent Hyacinth Rosebloom: He was still twitching!!!
Red Scarlett: Give me that bloody pistol!!!You are the bloody tea lady!! You’re not bloody authorised to execute bloody Official Complainants!!!!
Miss Millicent Hyacinth Rosebloom: Boo hoo hoo!
Red Scarlett: What the bloody heck are you crying about??
Miss Millicent Hyacinth Rosebloom: You shouted at me!! You’ve hurt my feelings!!!
Red Scarlett: Ring a bloody doctor!! I need to have bloody nervous breakdown!!!!
Albert GrossBurger: Goot morning! I vish to make ze Official Complaint!
Comrade Joseph Stalin: Do you having any one of English parents??
Albert Grossburger: Nein!
Comrade Joseph Stalin: RATS!!!!
Jaws, Pete Piranha, Cannibal Joe, Mack the Knife: GOBBLE Aaagghh!! Aaagghh!!! Aaagghhh!!GOBBLE GOBBLE Aaaaaaghh…….
Jaws
Pete Piranha
Beep Beep
Gitt Romney: Baaaa!!!Yes Boss!
Red Scarlett: Red Alert!! I need you to dispose of two bodies, twenty seven teeth and one bloated over gorged rat! Pronto!
Beep Beep
Red Scarlett: Yes!!!
Barak O’Banana: Constable Paddy Locks of the Karamea Police is at the front counter on official business!!!
Red Scarlett: Good morning Constable! Look we are rather busy could you please come back next year!!
Constable Paddy Locks: This will only take a minute!!
Red Scarlett: Gulp!! Do I need a lawyer??
Constable Paddy Locks: No of course not. Now look here this is a New Zealand Police Official Missing Persons Report. Can you please circulate this amongst your staff and see if they know anything about these persons whereabouts!
Red Scarlett: Whew!! I mean of course….my pleasure…I mean…my duty!!
Constable Paddy Locks: Top o’ t’ morning to ya!
Red Scarlett: Ok Men, Rats, Millie! Please peruse this Police Missing Persons Report at your leisure preferably outside office hours and see if you can positively identify anyone in these photos!
Comrade Joseph Stalin: Wondering what happened to poor suckers!!
Miss Millicent Hyacinth Rosebloom: Oh such an extraordinary number of missing persons for a town like Karamea with a population of only 650!
Barak O’Banana: Perhaps we should send out the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape “Search and Destroy Squad” to hunt them down!
Red Scarlett: Ok ok!! Cut the humour!! These people are all previous visitors to the offices of the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape to make an Official Complaint!
Miss Millicent Hyacinth Rosebloom: Look at that one! What shifty eyes!!
Barak O’Banana: Yes and such a high forehead!!
Comrade Joseph Stalin: Having really hairy nostrils!!!!
Red Scarlett: Very funny!! That is Constable Paddy Locks’ Official Police ID photo on his letterhead!!
Comrade Joseph Stalin: Him having English mother!! Aaaggghhh!!!
Miss Millicent Hyacinth Rosebloom: He drinks coffee!!!Aaagghhh!!!
Barak O’Banana: He’s got no testicles!! Aaaagghhhhh!!!!
Gitt Romney: Baaaa!!! His head would fit nicely into our office guillotine!
Comrade Joseph Stalin: Constable Locks’ a one eyed Cantabrian!!Aaaghh!
Red Scarlett: Millie did you put too much sugar in everyone’s tea this morning??
Miss Millicent Hyacinth Rosebloom: Most certainly not!! I found a small bottle of sugar substitute in the bottom drawer of your office desk!!!
Red Scarlett: Noooooo!!! That ..is..ah..um…my. my..medication!!!
Miss Millicent Hyacinth Rosebloom: Strange! The bottle said “To be taken nasally!!!
Red Scarlett: Ah … um.. yes.. for my..my… sinuses!!!!
Miss Millicent Hyacinth Rosebloom: Yo!!!! Whoa!!!!
Barak O’Banana: Yeah like crazy!!!!
Comrade Joseph Stalin: Yowzering!!!!
Gitt Romney: Baaaaaa!!!! Hey wow! Look! The Karamea Area School pogo stick team cheerleaders!!!
Red Scarlett: Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aaa aaa aaa aaa aaa aaa aaa aaa aaa!!!
Red Scarlett: Nooooooo!!! You silly bitch!!! Where did you get that machine gun from!! Stop shooting!!!!
Aaa aaa aaa aaa aaa aaa aaa aaa aaa!!!
Miss Millicent Hyacinth Rosebloom: Yeee…haah!!!!!!!
Ring Ring
Red Scarlett: Fuck Off!!!!
Constable Paddy Locks: Begging your pardon Miss Scarlett!!!!
Red Scarlett: Lock me up and throw away the bloody key!!!
Constable Paddy Locks: Ah to be sure!! I am proud to inform you that the Vienna Boys’ Choirrr are singing tonight in the Karamea Rrreturned Services lounge!
Red Scarlett: So fucking what?????
Constable Paddy Locks: As part of their Overseas Experience I am sending them along the road to visit the offices of the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape!!!
Red Scarlett: Nooooooo!!!! Aaaaaagggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
Constable Paddy Locks: Wow!!!!! B minor in C flat!!
Bertram Worthington Esquire: Excuse me!!!!
Red Scarlett: Yes sir!!
Bertram Worthington Esquire: I am Bertram Worthington Esquire the New Zealand Government Departmental Inspector and I am here to make serious inquiry into the auspices of this office!!!!
Red Scarlett: Ha ha! Oh bother!
Comrade Joseph Stalin: Shall I shooting him Boss?
Bertram Worthington Esquire: I beg your pardon young man!!
Red Scarlett: An in house joke!! Ha ha ha! Please step into my office!!
Bertram Worthington: I can find no official acknowledgment of the existence of this New Zealand Government Department anywhere in my Official Catalogue!!!
Red Scarlett: Er.. well.. I.. can.. explain!!!
Bertram Worthington Esquire: Good!! I have all day!!!
Red Scarlett: Do sit down and have a special coffee!!!
Bertram Worthington Esquire: Thank you very much!!! S..l..u..r..p!!!!
Red Scarlett: Sugar????
Bertram Worthington Esquire: Why all the bullet holes in your office desk??
Red Scarlett: You wouldn’t believe it …. but……
Bertram Worthington Esquire: Why does this coffee taste so………..
Beep Beep
Barak O’Banana: Trouble at Mill Boss???
Red Scarlett: Mmm! Mr Bertram Worthington Esquire seems to be taking a rather long nap! Do you think you could feed him to the office guard dogs???
Barak O’Banana: Did you check his pockets for Whittakers Extra Cacao Chocolate????
Red Scarlett: Scrumch! Scrumch! Yes indeed!!! Found some flavoured chewing gum too! Durex Mentos!
Rate this:
Share this:
Like this:
Related
About LivinginPeaceProject
Paul Murray is the founder of the LivinginPeace Project. www.livinginpeace.com Paul originally from Australia, but have been living in New Zealand for 14 years. Before that he was in Japan for a decade working as a journalist. He met his wife Sanae in Japan and they married in 2008.