“I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

“My Dad used to say ‘always fight fire with fire’, which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”
Peter Kay (2 July 1973-)

“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.”
Tommy Cooper (1921-1984)

“Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.”
Woody Allen (1 December 1935-)

“My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.”
Billy Connolly (24 November 1942-)

“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”
W.C Fields (1880-1946)

“This radio lark’s a wonderful hobby, y’know. I’ve got friends all over the world, all over the world… none in this country, but friends all over the world.”
Tony Hancock (1924-1968)

“My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely.”
Les Dawson (1931-1993)

“Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.”
Spike Milligan (1918-2002)

“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.”
Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

“Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little.”
Gore Vidal (1925-2012)

“I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down.'”
Bob Newhart ( September 5, 1929-)

“I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was “Shout For Help.'”
Jimmy Carr (15 September 1972)

“I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.”
Ken Dodd (8 November 1927-)

“Never trust a man with short legs… his brain’s too near his bottom.”
Noel Coward (1899-1973)

“The English country gentleman galloping after a fox is the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.”
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

“I think football would become an even better game if someone could invent a ball that kicks back.”
Eric Morecambe (1926-1984)

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
Mark Twain (1835-1910)

“I remember my staff asking me when I was going to retire. I said when I could no longer hear the sound of laughter. He said: ‘That never stopped you before.'”
Bob Hope (1903-2003)

“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers (June 8, 1933-)

“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.”
Bill Cosby (July 12, 1937-)

“I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.”
Mae West (1893-1980)

“He’s not the Messiah. He’s a very naughty boy!”
Terry Jones (1 February 1942-)

“Politics is just show business for ugly people.”
Jay Leno (April 28, 1950-)

“Infamy! Infamy! They’ve all got it in for me!”
Kenneth Williams (1926-1988)

“The film industry is like Anne Robinson – always on the lookout for a new face.”
Jack Dee (24 September 1961-)

“I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup.”
Jerry Seinfeld (April 29, 1954-)

“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.”
Ambrose Bierce, author of The Devil’s Dictionary (1842-1913)

“Trying is the first step towards failure.”
“I like my beer COLD, my women HOT and my homosexuals FLAMING.”
Homer Simpson (1987-)

“Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into.”
Oliver Hardy (1892-1957) to Stan Laurel (1890-1965)