31 One-Liners

Groucho Marx in 1933

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

Peter Kay, Queen's Diamond Jubilee BBC Concert

“My Dad used to say ‘always fight fire with fire’, which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”
Peter Kay (2 July 1973-)

Just like that: the magic of Tommy Cooper is lost on the younger generation - My cultural lexicon is showing its age

“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.”
Tommy Cooper (1921-1984)

Film director Woody Allen talks about his new film From Rome with Love.

“Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.”
Woody Allen (1 December 1935-)

Billy Connolly in 2003

“My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.”
Billy Connolly (24 November 1942-)

W.C. Fields as Mr Micawber (right)

“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”
W.C Fields (1880-1946)

Tony Hancock in 1963

“This radio lark’s a wonderful hobby, y’know. I’ve got friends all over the world, all over the world… none in this country, but friends all over the world.”
Tony Hancock (1924-1968)

Les Dawson

“My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely.”
Les Dawson (1931-1993)

Spike Milligan in the days of The Goons, with Peter Sellers (right)

“Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.”
Spike Milligan (1918-2002)

Dorothy Parker

“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.”
Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

Gore Vidal

“Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little.”
Gore Vidal (1925-2012)

Bob Newhart on the Tonight Show in 1969

“I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down.'”
Bob Newhart ( September 5, 1929-)

Comedian Jimmy Carr is one of thousands of wealthy Britons paying as little as one per cent income tax using an offshore scheme, it has been claimed.

“I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was “Shout For Help.'”
Jimmy Carr (15 September 1972)

Ken Dodd

“I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.”
Ken Dodd (8 November 1927-)

Noel Coward smiles aboard the Queen Elizabeth ocean liner as he arrives in New York City in this 1947 photo

“Never trust a man with short legs… his brain’s too near his bottom.”
Noel Coward (1899-1973)

Oscar Wilde

“The English country gentleman galloping after a fox is the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.”
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise

“I think football would become an even better game if someone could invent a ball that kicks back.”
Eric Morecambe (1926-1984)

Mark Twain

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Bob Hope in the 1947 film 'My Favourite Brunette'

“I remember my staff asking me when I was going to retire. I said when I could no longer hear the sound of laughter. He said: ‘That never stopped you before.'”
Bob Hope (1903-2003)

Joan Rivers

“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers (June 8, 1933-)

Bill Cosby at the Jackie Robinson Foundation annual Awards Dinner in 2009

“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.”
Bill Cosby (July 12, 1937-)

Mae West in the 1936 film 'Klondike Annie'

“I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.”
Mae West (1893-1980)

Terry Jones

“He’s not the Messiah. He’s a very naughty boy!”
Terry Jones (1 February 1942-)

Jay Leno

“Politics is just show business for ugly people.”
Jay Leno (April 28, 1950-)

Kenneth Williams

“Infamy! Infamy! They’ve all got it in for me!”
Kenneth Williams (1926-1988)

Weary indifference: Jack Dee's latest tour.

“The film industry is like Anne Robinson – always on the lookout for a new face.”
Jack Dee (24 September 1961-)

Jerry Seinfeld performing in July 2012

“I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup.”
Jerry Seinfeld (April 29, 1954-)

Ambrose Bierce, author of The Devil's Dictionary

“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.”
Ambrose Bierce, author of The Devil’s Dictionary (1842-1913)

Homer Simpson

“Trying is the first step towards failure.”
“I like my beer COLD, my women HOT and my homosexuals FLAMING.”
Homer Simpson (1987-)

Laurel and Hardy in Hog Wild in 1930

“Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into.”
Oliver Hardy (1892-1957) to Stan Laurel (1890-1965)

From: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/culturepicturegalleries/9594011/30-great-one-liners.html?frame=2363267

About LivinginPeaceProject

Paul Murray is the founder of the LivinginPeace Project. www.livinginpeace.com Paul originally from Australia, but have been living in New Zealand for 14 years. Before that he was in Japan for a decade working as a journalist. He met his wife Sanae in Japan and they married in 2008.
This entry was posted in Art, Funny, Hilarious, Historical, Humor, Humour, Photography, Politics, Religion, Social Commentary and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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