Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Staff
Manager: Red Scarlett
Senior Complaints Manager: Murgatroyd Pumpernickel
Office Receptionist: Chantall St. Claire
Tea Bimbo: Mariam Fares
Office Icon: Super Moo the Karamea Wonder Dog
Chantall St. Clair Oo La La!: Bonjour monsieur, comment vas tu?
Bartimaeus Rasha: Salutations young lady!
Chantall St. Clair Oo La La!: Combien est ce que je peux vous aide ce matin?
Bartimaeus Rasha: I am desirous of making a strenuous complaint about this piece of forged art work wot I purchased this very morning at the Karamea Market Saturday morning market!
Chantall St. Clair Oo La La: Mais non monsiuer! C’est un originale Monsieur Ian Malcolm Baike!!
Chantall St. Clair Oo La La: Really?? So it is not forged??
Bartimaeus Rasha: Non! C’est plus valuable mon ami!
Bartimaeus Rasha: But I looked at the signature and …
Chantall St. Clair Oo La La: Que’est ce que c’est??
Bartimaeus Rasha: Let me put on my spectacles. Mmmm- Signed Ian Malcolm Baike aka Gunny Huck I’ll Be Nothing but a Hound Dog aka Vincent E Neumen aka Bob Rembrandt aka Wee Willie Goldie aka Andy Warthog aka Ludwigga Kombi Van Bend Over!
Murhatroyd Pumpernickel: Excuse me sir, I am Murgatroyd Pumpernickel the Senior Complaints Manager for the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape. I can be of assistance!
Bartimaeus Rasha: Thank you squire!
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: Mmmm! Yes that is indeed Baikes usual signature! I know it very well I have an extremely valuable collection of his 2013 Vulcanised Cheques series with the identical signature!
Bartimaeus Rasha: But look at this painting! This is actually the “The Last Pizza” by Eric Clapton, an extremely significant piece d’extroadinaire which hangs in the Rongo Art gallery!
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: Mmm!!!
Bartimaeus Rasha: I declare this Baike chappy to be a plagiarist and a fake!!!
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: I do believe in actual fact that Comrade Krapton is the plagiarist!!
Bartimaeus Rasha: Really??
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: The Last Pizza” actually by Duncan Baike which you are very fortunate to be holding, was originally commissioned by Hell Pizza for the opening of their new pizzeria in the Wangapeka Valley!
Bartimaeus Rasha: But look at this pizza! It resembles Jake the Peg’s third leg on rye!!
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: Hells Bells!!! Definitely original!!!
Bartimaeus Rasha: Is Hell Pizza in the Wangapeka Valley still open for business!
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: No! The local God Squad torched it last week after a recent rather raucous Messy Church!
Bartimaeus Rasha: Messy Church??
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: Yes indeed! The local church have a piggy party once a month to attract unrepenting sinners to church??
Bartimaeus Rasha: Is it successful??
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: Definitely! Last week three smashed windows, a bicycle on the roof and some original Duncan Baike graffiti on the notice board!!
Bartimaeus Rasha: So this painting sounds extremely valuable!!
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: Indeed! A perusal and valuation by Sothebys is essential! Do you still wish to file an official complaint??
Bartimaeus Pumpernickel: Well… yes… I paid $500 for this painting and…
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: Grossly undercharged!! You are lucky not be charged with theft by cultural ignorance!
Bartimaeus Rasha: Can I make a complaint about my wife’s cooking then??
Murgatroyd Pumpernickle: Of course!!
Bartimaeus Rasha: Jezebella is such a sarcastic bitch when it comes to cooking!
Murgatroyd Pumpernickle: How so?
Bartimaeus Rasha: When I was diagnosed with incontinence, she cooked Cockaleekie soup for supper!!
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: Hah ha ha!!!
Bartimaeus Rasha: Yesterday! I found out she is having an affair with the local Police Chief!
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: Holy Communion!!!!
Bartimaeus Rasha: I just knew their midnight criminal intelligence briefings on Flagstaff Beach were more than platonic!
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: Do you think they are wise enough to use a condominium??
Bartimaeus Rasha: Yes of course! Perhaps they use the Love Shack at the Karamea Farm Baches!!
Radio Karamea 107.5 FM ……“I shagged the sherriff!!!”
Bartimaeus Rasha: They are playing Jezzabella’s song!!
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: Do you wish to make an official complaint about your wife’s appalling behaviour!
Bartimaeus rasha: Yes!!!!!
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: Let me look in the Karamea Ministry of Red tape Official Complaints Manual..Mmm Here we go:
“Official Complaint 234/23 – Right Plonker who has to wear a nappy so he doesn’t fertilise his socks and who thankfully can’t read the fine print on this complaint form, wishes to make an official complaint about the local gendarme putting an enormously large smile on his wife’s visage because he can’t and in addition whinge about her excellent cooking especially her Pyrannean Pate de Fois Gras!!”
Bartimaeus Rasha: You have experienced Jezzabella’s despicable cooking??
Murgatroyd Pumpernickle: Of course I am the other party to a rather naughty little menage a trois!!
Bartimaeus Rasha: Outrageous!!! My wife, the police mon and Murgatroyd Pumpernickel!!!
Mariam Fares: Cup of tea??
Bartimaeus Rasha: Can I have some raspberyy fizzy?
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: Wow! Mariam! I love your low cut mini skirt!!!
Mariam Fares: Thank you kind sir! Would you like a cuppa!
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: No, but I would like to tell you out my interpretation of The Big Bang Theory!
Mariam Fares: Oooooooh!
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: (whisper ..psst!) (Its all bang and no theory!)
Mariam Fares: I’m free for lunch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bartimaeus Rasha: So Murgatroyd my good man, what outrageous acts do you deviant miscreants indulge in at this menage a trois?
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: We play nude scrabble!!
Bartimaeus Rasha: Nude scrabble!! Bitch!!! I’m dylsexic no wonder I am never invited!!
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: The fee for your complaint is $56,765 plus $1000 Imperial War Tax!!
Bartimaeus Rasha: Daylight robbery!
Red Scarlett: Great Shot Chantelle!! In one ear and out the other and … my God and…knocked over that pedestrian across Waverley Street!!
Mariam Fares: Quick go and check her handbag before rigamortis sets in!!
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: Puff puff puff!!! You only winged her!! But look what I found in her shopping basket, Whittakers Peppermint Chocolate Extra Cacao!!
Red Scarlett: Mmmm!! Hallelujah!!!
Super Moo The Karamea wonder Dog!: Arf arf!!