A New Zealand Government Department authorised by a covertly suspicious and deliberately rhetorical Act of Parliament and compounded by a dubiously tacit Royal Approval to receive official complaints.
Karamea Ministry of Red Tape – Office Staff
Manager: Red Scarlett
Senior Complaints Officer: Inspector Clouseau
Receptionist: Chauncey Gardiner
Office Shrink: Doctor Strangelove
Medical Officer: Doctor Ahmed El Kabir
Office Wine Steward: DBeelzepub
Office Muttley: Super Moo the Karamea Wonder Dog
Karamea Ministry of Red Tape, Front Office, Monday February 2nd 2015, 11 a.m.
Red Scarlett: “Troops! Attention!”
DBeelzePub: “Time for elevenses!! Final orders!!”
Inspector Clouseau: “Yeah cobba! I’ll have a four and a half of Jack Daniel’s!”
DBeelzePub: “Ice sir?”
Inspector Clouseau: “Yeah strewth! What the hell! Make it a double!”
Silly Hillary: ….puff…..puff…puff…….. “The sky is falling! The sky is falling and I’m off to to tell the President!”
DBeelzePub: “A snifter, Madam?”
Silly Hilary: “Well, I’m on a hi-carb, high fibre diet..so…um…..?”
DBeelzePub: “ There we are madam! A Gin and Tonic shaken not stirred! I have added a squeezed meat pie and three crushed weetbix and even included one of those ridiculously silly umbrellas!”
Silly Hillary: “SLURP! …. CRUNCH! …. MUNCH! …. BURP!”
Red Scarlett “You wish to make a complaint regarding the sky falling Madam?”
Silly Hillary: “Yes indeed! Also Foxy Loxy ate my friend Turkey Lurkey!”
Red Scarlett: “An official complaint?”
Silly Hillary: “Yes! Atmospheric meltdown is frying everyones brains!”
Chauncey Gardiner: “Americans don’t have any brains and global warming is beneficial for our desserts!”
Doctor StrangeLove: “Ya fraulein! Please sitting in our office ionising chair you are suffering from ultra violet heat stroke! Ya”
Silly Hillary: “Aaaaaaaagghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!”
Doctor StrangeLove: “Ya! Look at her globes jiggle! Zat is hot! Ya!”
Super Moo: “Arf arf!” Zzzzzzzttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Silly Hillary: “No! Aaaaghhh!!!!!!!”
Doctor Strangelove: “More electrons fraulein? Ya? Ha ha haaaa!!!!
Silly Hillary: “What is that plaque on the wall?”
“MAY THE ROAD RISE UP TO MEET YOU AND MAY THE WIND ALWAYS BE AT YOUR BACK”
Silly Hillary: “Aaaghh!!!!! …There is going to be an earthquake, followed by a hurricane! …… Aaagghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Doctor StrangeLove: “Ya! Fraulein you urgently require rehydration!”
Silly Hillary: “Aaaagghhh!”
Dr. StrangeLove : “Ya! I need a second opinion! Ya!”
Doctor Ahmed El Kabir: “Quack! Quack! Quack!”
Silly Hillary “I do not believe that you are a doctor!”
Doctor Ahmed El Kabir: “Well goodness gracious me! I can hear your heart going boompty boompty boom boom!”
Silly Hillary: “Impostor! Show me your credentials!”
Doctor Ahmed El Kabir: “Satisified Madam Sahbi!”
Silly Hillary: “Well I do declare! Handsome! You had better take my temperature doctor!”
Doctor StrangeLove: “Ya fraulein! Open wide! Say Ah! I am going to give you 10 cc of Podium Penthouse Barbie Doll! Zen you will tell ze truth and nothing but ze truth! Ya!”
Silly Hillary: “You prick!”
Inspector Clouseau: “Senator Silly Hillary Clinton I arrest you in the name of the law!”
Silly Hillary: “Whatever the crime, I Plead the 5th!”
Inspector Clouseau: “You Madame, have been charged with International War Crimes complicit with the secret destabilisation of the proud Muslim nations of the Middle East!
Silly Hillary: “It was President Bollocks O’Bananas idea! I’m just a porn!
Inspector Clouseau: “Guilty as charged! You Madame, will face Madame Guillotine at dawn!”
Silly Hillary: “Oh my! I’m going to get my own wax work! Eat dirt Taylor Swift!”
Doctor Ahmed El Kabir: “Why is the American CIA funding and arming diametrically opposed fundamentalist groups in Syria and Iraq!”
Silly Hillary: “I want to see a lawyer!”
Rumpole of the Bailey : “Allow me to introduce myself! Rumpole QC!”
Silly Hillary: “Hump Roll?”
Rumpole of the Bailey: “Rumpole! Horace Rumpole! Here is my ID!”
Silly Hillary: “Oh wow! My! That is a real mouth full!”
Father Ted: “I’m Father Ted! I’m here to take your last confession child!”
Silly Hillary: “Father! Your cockpit is wide open!”
Father Ted: “It’s t’ scouts motto! Always be prepared!”
Silly Hillary: “It’s been yonks since my last confession Father!”
Father Ted: “On your knees child and I will allow you to partake of the Holy Sacraments!”
Silly Hillary: “After my last confession, will I be with child Father?”
Father Ted: “No child! When I take confession, I always wear an Immaculate Contraception!
Radio Karamea 107.5 FM with Claptrap Eriction…”I shot my dickoff etc!” …….. “I shot my dickoff, I shot my dickoff, but I did not shoot my booty!”
Mr. Covert: “Freeze or I’ll shoot!”
Father Ted: “Patience lad! Holster your weapon and I’ll tend to you next!”
Mr. Covert: “ C’mon Senator Clinton! Pull up your panties, I’ve got a rescue copter at the Karamea airport!”
Karamea Airport, Opapara
Captain America: “Karamea Control Tower! This is US 9-11requesting takeoff over!”
Karamea Control Tower: “Da! Permissioning for takeoff comrade!”
Captain America: “We have liftoff!”
Silly Hillary: “Oh Captain America! You saved my pretty sweet white ass! How can I ever repay you?”
Captain America: “You can take a hold of my joystick for a couple of minutes!!!”
Silly Hillary : “Oh my! It’s my lucky day!”
Mr. Covert: “Nooo!! Look we just lost the left wing and half the fuselage!
Silly Hillary: “Aaaaghhh!!!! We’re going to be late for the Super Bowl!!!
Captain America: “Mayday! Mayday!Mayday! We’re going to crash! We’re going down! Put your head betweeen your legs!”
Silly Hillary: “Aaagghhh!!!!!”
Captain America: “No! Senator Clinton I meant between your own legs!”
…Radio Karamea 107.5 FM “B.b.b.b.a.d to the Boner!”
Mr. Covert: “Yikes! Look! It’s the Dallas Book Depository on Dealey Plaza!”
Silly Hillary: “Aaaggghhh!!!”
Captain America: “Aaagghhhhh!!!!”
Ya! Danke schoen for exposing ze hyprocisy of ze Vatican! Ya! Never again vill I reweal my naughty sins to a heavy breathing man sitting behind a curtain in a darkened room dressed in a frock with his pants around his ankles! YA! Arf arf!