Off the Top of My Head
By Paul Murray
Former POTUS Donald Trump is planning a comeback from the social media wilderness to which he was cast after being banned from FaceBook/Twitter/Instagram et al. for repeated indiscretions, violations of posting protocols and for allegedly inciting a red-neck insurrection on Capitol Hill at the end of his White House reign.
Exclusion from social media platforms that gave Trump a voice, effectively silenced him by eliminating his principal means of addressing his followers who were hungry for short, punchy chunks of misinformation, vitriol and rhetoric.
At his prime, Trump had 88 million Twitter followers who were regularly enlightened by random snippets of thought posted from the comfort of his “smart” phone to his enthusiastic MAGA audience. “We live in a world where the Taliban has a huge presence on Twitter, yet your favourite American president has been silenced,” Trump claimed by e-mail.
The social media sanctions applied to Trump have muted his voice and given the world a welcome rest from his persistent bullying of opponents, bombastic misinformation and self-aggrandisement. However, this respite may soon end as The Don prepares for a significant comeback to social media by launching his own platform to circumvent the current and any future attempts to dumb the great man further.
Tentatively known as “Trumpet,” Trump’s planned social media service will open new doors for The Don and his followers. “Trumpet will be the greatest ever,” said Trump in a signed press release received in the mail yesterday. “It’ll be more fabulous than FaceBook, more tremendous than Twitter, Tik-Tok and Tumblr, less fake than FOX and more “IN” than Instagram,” he added.
The governors will definitely be off any Trump posts from a network he owns and controls, not being one for self-censorship, social etiquette, accepted norms, nor verifiable facts. First amendment rights will likely be tested, stretched and plumbed as he trumpets his mind to all and sundry from the safety of his own platform.
Trumpet will, of course, be the “best,” “greatest,” and will cast a dark shade over all other “loser” services. Here is a list of things Trump states he is best at:
Building walls… “I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me.”
Creating jobs... “I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created. I tell you that, believe me.”
Being a defender and a champion… “I will be America’s greatest defender and most loyal champion, believe me.”
Helping women… “I cherish women. I want to help women. I’m going to be able to do things for women that no other candidate would be able to do.”
Not being anti-Semitic… “I am the least anti-Semitic person you’ve ever seen in your entire life.”
Not being racist... “I am the least racist person, the least racist person that you’ve ever seen, the least.”
Having words... “I know words; I have the best words.”
Handling bad stories… “I don’t mind bad stories. I can handle a bad story better than anybody, as long as it’s true.”
Understanding debt... “I’m the king of debt. I understand debt better than probably anybody. I know how to deal with debt so well. I love debt.”
Breaking the glass ceiling… “I was the one that really broke the glass ceiling on behalf of women more than anybody in the construction industry.”
Beating China at things... “When was the last time anybody saw [the US] beating, let’s say, China in a trade deal? They kill us. I beat China all the time. All the time.”
Golf courses… “Obama is going to be out playing golf. He might be on one of my courses. I would invite him, I actually would say. I have the best courses in the world, so I’d say, you know what, if he wants to.”
Social Media Services…” I’m the KING of social media…Trumpet will be bigger, better faster, smoother, louder, punchier, fatter, simpler, fancier, stronger, bitchier and more slanderous than anything ever before.”
Trump followed up with more back patting…”I went from VERY successful businessman, to top TV Star to President of the United States (on my first try). I think that would qualify as not smart, but genius….and a very stable genius at that,” He said.
- I am the most successful person ever to run for president. Nobody’s ever been more successful than me. I have the best words. I am the most fabulous whiner.
- I am the best builder. Nobody builds walls better than me. I build the best product. Nobody can build a wall like Trump.
- I’ve always had people say, “Donald, you have the most beautiful hands.” I have the steadiest hands. I have a very good brain.
- Somebody made the statement that Donald Trump has built or owns the greatest collection of golf courses, ever, in the history of golf. And I believe that is 100 percent true. I have the best courses in the world.
- I went to one of the best schools.
- On trade, there’s nobody more conservative than me.
- I’m the most conservative when it comes to military, when it comes to the border, when it comes to security, when it comes to illegal immigration: all of these things.
- I think I’m the most conservative person there is. I am the only one who can fix our southern border. There is nobody more against Obamacare than me.
- I could fix TV talk shows that are doing poorly. There is tremendous talent out there waiting to be tapped, and nobody sees it!
- I am the worst thing that ever happened to ISIS.
- I will be the greatest jobs president God ever created. Nobody knows jobs like I do. I will create jobs like no one else!
- Nobody has more respect for women than I do.
- No one has done more for people with disabilities than me.
After making numerous unsuccessful attempts to circumvent his tweeting ban regain his status at the Twitter podium, he concluded that going it alone was the only way to reclaim his social media mantle.
Should Trumpet achieve Trumps self-promotional aspirations, he is apparently planning a full orchestra of self-aggrandising mechanisms, including “Saxophone,” a mobile communications service, “Euphonium,” which will be dedicated to creating euphemisms and “Drum” an advertising and promotional instrument.
A jubilant Trump said in a postcard from Mar-a-Lago, Florida,” I’m totally excited to have this opportunity to again lead the world with my big brain and my little fingers via social media and this time, I will be able to say exactly what I want without pesky censorship or stupid rules and regulations.”