Dork Clutzburg : Welcome to the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape! How may I be of assistance?
Mistress Nympho : Hello my name is Mistress Nympho and I wish to make a complaint!
Dork Clutzburg : Mistress Nympho! Ha ha ha!~ What a silly name! You sound like a right old trollop!
Mistress Nympho : I beg your pardon, but I have never been so insulted in my entire life.
Dork Clutzburger : Ha! You must have been and often!
Mistress Nympho : So what is your name smartie??
Dork Clutzburger : I am Monsieur Clutzburger Esquire, Official Complaints Officer!
Mistress Nympho : Ha! I bet your poor mother ran away and left you before you were born!
Dork Clutzburger : Hmmph!! Can I please have your occupation for our official records??
Mistress Nympho : I am the town bike….
Dork Clutzburger : The town bike!! Ha you’re a Jezebel!!
Mistress Nympho : Look you rude young man, I am the town bike mechanic!!
Dork Clutzburger : Do you give massage??
Mistress Nympho : Aaaaagghhhh!!!
Red Scarlett : Good morning mademoiselle. I am Red Scarlett Manager of the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape is everything in order??
Mistress Nympho : No!! This dork here is annoying me!!
Dork Clutzburger : Mistress .. ha ha Nympho .. ha ha ha is a right Doris Boss!
I think she is menopausal!
Mistress Nympho : I am not menopausal! I am only 22 and I’m a feminist!
Dork Clutzburger : You’re a spinster with Penis Envy! Ha ha haaaaaaaaaa!
Red Scarlett : Pardon young Dork. He comes from a broken home!
Mistress Nympho : Broken home! Ha! I knew it! Your parents hate you, they got divorced and they are both in rehab!
Red Scarlett : No! Dork’s home was demolished in last year’s earthquake!
Mistress Nympho : Please!! I wish to make a complaint!
Red Scarlett : An official complaint?
Mistress Nympho : Yes an Official #*%@#@%& Complaint!!
Red Scarlett : What is the nature of your complaint?
Mistress Nympho : Yesterday I applied to the New Zealand Transport Agency to get a Passenger Endorsement for my licence. I was required to fill out a ridiculous amount of official forms and I wish to make an official complaint!!
Red Scareltt : That is extremely serious! Right, please step into my office Mistress ha … ha… mm… cough… cough.. Nympho.
Mistress Nympho : Thank God someone is going to take my complaint seriously!!
Red Scarlett : Hold all my calls Dork and please get two coffees and some bikkies!
Mistress Nympho : Now please tell me what is required to activate my complaint.
Red Scarlett : Mmmm! Let me see..Here we go .. Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Complaint 217 “Required to fill out ridiculous amount of official forms by Government Department.”
Mistress Nympho : Is it serious?
Red Scarlett : It is indeed young lady! Extremely serious. Code Red 7C!
Mistress Nympho : Wow!!
Red Scarlett : Right let’s get to work. First of all you have to fill out an Official Complaint Form 28B and according to our latest schedule of fees that is $750 including GST!!
Mistress Nympho : That is so unbelievable!!
Red Scarlett : Yes true. We have discounted our normal fee to bring you the customer incredible savings.
Mistress Nympho : I’ve had enough of this. I want to speak to your Superior!
Red Scarlett : I am afraid you do not have the requisite security clearance to talk to the Prime Minsters wife!
Mistress Nympho : The P.M.’s wife!
Red Scarlett : Yes! The Prime Minister is an alcoholic and his wife Popsicle actually runs the nation! So please sign here!!
Mistress Nympho : Well… ok .. but …
Red Scarlett : Did I mention this must be in triplicate? So that is mm ?? three times $750 including GST .. mm ?? ahh $4,975!!!
Mistress Nympho : Triplicate?? But I wouldn’t have signed if I had known!!
Red Scarlett : Too late!! Now you need to fill out a KGB-72, an IRA-54, a Quango-76, an MI5-17, a IBYY4U-11 and an Official Disclaimer of Liability form if case you get fatally poisoned consuming afternoon tea!
Mistress Nympho : So many forms to fill out!
Red Scarlett : Oh yes and a 1080-B!
Mistress Nympho : Boo hoo hoo!! I’m going to have a nervous breakdown!!
Red Scarlett : Right! You had better fill out a BDHB-2, an ACC-35 and a
Mistress Nympho : Aaaaaaagggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Red Scarlett : Wow!! Look at your teeth!! You need to fill out a BDS-51 and a TF8!!
Mistress Nympho : Noooooo!! I’m down on my knees. I can’t take anymore!!
Red Scarlett : Mmmm!! Nice cleavage!!
Сегодня чужеземеч космическая исследователская ракета разбился в большый Румый деревый около Умере дороге в Карамый!
Rangi : Yo Bro! Russian on Radio Karamea!
Max : Ya Mein Herr! Try Radio Rhema!
Rhema : …. “ Oh girls just want to have fun!”…..
Rangi : Ai Caramba! Try Radio Westport!
Radio Westport : Here are the news read by Algernon Windsor Forsythe III. In an historic and momentous decision today, the Buller District Council officially adopted the British Imperial system of currency of pounds, shillings and pence. Also in a vigorously contested split decision, a significant and bold edict was pronounced that from February 31st, empties, I.O.U.’s and paua shells will no longer be acceptable as a means of trade and exchange. This decisive exercise of Executive Authority was accompanied by a stout and resolute affirmation to his Royal Highness King James II of England and a cacophonic rendition of God Save the King! Blah blah blah!
Rangi : No way man! I’ve got a whole swag of I.O.U.’s me old mate Rick Hemi swapped me for my pogo stick!
Max : Borsch! Let’s try the National Programme.
National Programme : Today in the small town of Karamea an alien space craft crashed into Tane Kahu the Big Rimu Tree close to Umere Road. Special Air Services commandos dispatched by Lieutenant General Rastakovichskiski are commanding checkpoints and roadblocks as an ultra high security Iron Curtain has been enforced encircling Karamea.
Rangi : Russkis!!
National Programme : In other emergency measures; stockpiling of Whittakers Extra Cacao Caramel Chocolate is punishable by immediate execution. All pet food supplies have been commandeered by the Russian Army dog patrol. Karamea’s elderly citizens will now have to survive on special army ration packs for the senile and demented of dried cabbage powder tea and lots of fresh air and vigorous exercise!
Max : Stop Rangi! An armed road block.
Corporal Yabloko : Доброе вечер товариша! Please showing me your papers comrades!!
Rangi : Yeah bro! Here is a packet of Zig Zags and a copy of the Rongolian Star!!
Corporal Yabloko : Красный капуста!! My Kalashnikov having biggest funny bone too! Showing me your official papers or parabellum ptushka!
Max : Ya Boris!! Voila!
Corporal Yabloko : Черная собаке! Mitre 10 Card!!
Max : Ya! Better than a passport!
Corporal Yabloko : I not believing you! Then you having licorice all sorts?
Rangi : Yeah mate. Have a piece!
Corporal Yabloko : I having whole packet! You driving on, but Big Brother watching you!
Rangi : Pedal to the metal! Wow!! Karamea has been vaporised!! Only Rongo is left standing and it looks like a Russian fort!!
Max : Schnell! Stop! Ze hot blonde! Ask her what is going on!
Rangi : Yo momma!
Alien Babe : Zzzkxtl jklzxxz!!!
Rangi : Yo! She’s in shock. I better give her mouth to mouth resuscitation! X!!
Alien Babe : Ktlkkzx xxkltlkxz!!
Max : Rangi!! Nein!!! Kaput!!
Alien Babe : Kkltkmrt!!
Max : Nein!! Ze Zarkon Death Ray!!!
Comrade Zarkon : ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled “211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull.” We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents “conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago.” Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the “Malibu Barbie”. It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen, which might have tipped you off to its modern origin: 1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone. 2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids. 3. The dentition pattern evident on the “skull” is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the “ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams” you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that: A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on. B. Clams don’t have teeth. It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating’s notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation’s Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name “Australopithecus spiff-arino.” Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn’t really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation’s capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the “trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix” that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench. Yours in Science, Harvey Rowe Curator, Antiquities ################################################################################
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###############################################################***Disclaimer: The Rongolian Lonely Hearts Club is a comedic parody, any resemblance to real persons living or dead is unintentional and purely coincidental.***