By Raving Auckland Correspondent “Flying” Phil Jackson

Flying Phil Jackson

The Beehive in Wellington is a hive of activity. It’s occupants are the humble bumble bees and in this peculiar little niche they have organised themselves into an established hierarchical order with one Head Bumble Bee, and a bunch of tireless workers, drones, zombies and food gatherers all bumbling over themselves in the pursuit of bumble bee nirvana, which is the total domination of all animals outside.

In the main chamber, they take turns at strutting around, wiggling their fat lazy abdomens and flapping their wings incessantly in order to get attention. The hot air created by this excessive posturing is funnelled from the top of the chamber to the nursery where it keeps budding bumble bee eggs comfortable despite the ferociously cold winds that regularly blow outside their haven.

Wonky Jonky

Today, the Head Bumble Bee, Wonky Jonky has a strategy meeting. Wonky Jonky has been the Head since the big clean-out three years ago when the previous head, HellAnchorLark, was unceremoniously dumped when the outside barbarians got their way and pillaged their ranks mercilessly. HellAnchorLark’s was an exceptional leader who brilliantly used lies, deceipt, lowly ideals, her position, and her power to change the rules that governed how outsiders lived, despite having the ugliest proboscis and antennae imaginable despite many alternative treatments. Wonky Jonkey was so much in awe of her abilities that he sponsored her to go and use her skills in the big beehive at the United Nations. He felt that he might be able to one day have the same respect as his predecessor and that what she did was worth emulating.

HellAnchorLark

With Wonky Jonky is Blinglish, his crusty second-in-command.

Blinglish: I think we need to change the way you smile. Our latest opinion polls are showing that you come across as some sort of simpleton or more like a stupid Cheshire cat.

Wonky Jonky: I thought that Cheshire cats are quite intelligent actually. My aunt had one and it was very popular with children and adults alike. It was able to eat out of a tin using one paw and play dead when it was attacked by dogs. It did such an efficient job of cleaning and preening itself that the faecal bacterial count under his tail was almost undetectable.

Blinglish: As you know, the outsiders are gearing up for another rampage at the end of this year and we don’t want you to be tossed out to the elements like your predecessor. So I think that we need to take this seriously.

Wonky Jonky: I suppose I should then, although the alternative to us under Filgoff isn’t exactly popular. What do you suggest I do?

Blinglish: I suppose that you could copy a confident salesman’s smile. How about a car salesman? When I bought my last car, I was completely reassured by the salesman’s smile that I was getting a good deal and you want to come across like that too.

Wonky Jonky: But didn’t you find out later that it needed significant mechanical repairs?

Blinglish: It was too late by then to do anything, but the point I’m making is that it is only important to deceive the people leading up to the election. What happens after is irrelevant. Remember when HellAndLark told everybody that students would have student free loans and that they could afford it. It helped her get back for one more term before people found out that it had became a large drain on the coffers.

So this is what I’ll do. I’ll send my secretary around a few car dealers and get her to take someone with a camera to capture their smiles. We’ll then pick the best photograph and you can practice copying it.

Wonky Jonky: That sounds great. I can almost feel one of their smiles coming on now. Won’t the public be impressed when I have perfected it. I might just whip into my private bathroom suite and do some practice now. I just can’t wait now. Hurry!