A New Zealand Government Department authorised by a deliberately rhetorically and covertly suspicious Act of Parliament and compounded by a tacit Royal Approval to receive Official Complaints!

Office Manager:    Red Scarlett

Director of Intelligence:     Hanoi Doris

Senior Complaints Manager:  Sheikov El Judas

Office Receptionist:   Victoria Cross

Tea Hostess:     Yowserkova Hot Momma III

Office Sheep in Wolf’s Clothing:  Supermoo the Karamea Wonder Dog!

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Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Offices Market Cross, Karamea Monday September 9th 9 a.m.

Red Scarlett   :     Attention : Look here comes our first customer for the day!

Silvio Paparazzi:    Bongiorno!

Victoria Cross:    Welcome to the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape sir!

Silvio Paparazzi:   Grazi!

Victoria Cross:   You are desirous of making a complaint pertinent to a matter of public indignity sir?

Silvio Paparazzi:    Si!

Victoria Cross:   An official complaint sir?

Silvio Paparazzi:  Si!

Victoria Cross   :    The nature and content of your complaint sir?

Silvio Paparazzi:    Scuzi?

Victoria Cross:    Your official *%$@*!!@! complaint !

Silvio Paparazzi:    Pardona?

KABOOM!!!!!!!!!

Yowserkova Hot Momma III:   Wow! Italian men really do have spaghetti for brains!

Red Scarlett:   Achtung!!! No official complaint, no fee, no execution!!!

Victoria Cross:   Oopskov!!!

Red Scarlett:  I will handle the next complainant and demonstrate the correct protocols required to take an official complaint and extort the requisite outrageously exorbitant fee!

Yowserkova Hot Momma III:    Cup of tea???

Red Scarlett:     Before we have morning tea, please get a vacuum cleaner and clean up Mr. Pizzeria from the office carpet!

Vroooooom  …..slurp!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Radio Karamea 107.5 FM!

Breaking News with DJ Sausage!

“ The Karamea Four Square has just been robbed of all remaining stocks of Whittaker’s Chocolate Dark Extra Cacao. The young robbers armed with badminton racquets and all wearing Daniel Quayle clown masks fled on a stolen caterpillar digger and were last seen running into the Karamea School Library! Police Swat Team Leader Sergeant John McLean stated “ Karamea School will be cordoned off after this morning’s Story Time reading of Winnie the Poohkov!”

Asked by Radio Karamea “ Pourquoi???”

Sgt McLean’s official reply “ Pourquoi pas???”

Karamea Weather with DJ Fukyoushima

Karamea weather!

Stratified cloud at various altitudes will drift slowly away from the horizon by late morning!!!

Rain progressing from spasmodic to intermittent to persistent to torrential to influential to apolitical … blah…blah…blah….

Remember!!!   Slipper, Slopper, Slapper!

“God save our gracious queen.blah.blah.blah.”

    Karamea Minstry of Red Tape 4 p.m.

Ned:    Yeah gidday!

Red Scarlett:  Welcome to the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape this beautifully fine Monday!

Ned:   Bonza sheila! Fancy a shag?

Red Scarlett:   I have subconciously transcended the notional concept of physical lust and seek intellectual Nirvana in the ethereal realms of meditative contemplation!!!

Ned:   Christ!!! You’re a bloody virgin!!!!

Red Scarlett:   Do you wish to file a complaint my good gentleman?

Ned:  Yeah! Some bushranger nicked me digger from outside the supermarket this morning!

Red Scarlett:  Have you visited the Karamea Police sir?

Ned:   Are you joking me babe?!?!

Red Scarlett:   Many apologies! Let me find an official complaint form!

Ned:   Got a light Sheila?

Red Scarlett: No smoking on official New Zealand government premises!

Ned:    Can I chew gum?

Red Scarlett:    Of course!

Ned:      Scruncha….scruncha…scruncha……

Red Scarlett:    Here we go!  Karamea Ministry of Red Tape official complaint form

111/9………..”Aussie yobbo has his digger pinched outisde the Karamea Four Square by three young hoodlums armed with badminton racquets and all wearing Daniel Quayle clown masks!!!”

Ned:    That’s yobbo with two b’s!

Red Scarlett:   The fee for your official complaint can be paid for with crocodile skin, Whittakers Chocolate Extra Cacao  Macadamia or Coober Pedy opals!

Ned:   Strewth!!  Haven’t shot a croc in anger since last Melboune Cup Day, my chocolate stays in me swag and me missu shot thru with the family jewels!

Red Scarlett:   What authentic collateral do you have then?

Ned:    Just me FJ Holden parked there over the road outside the RSA!

Red Scarlett:    Wow!@!!!!!

Sheikov El Judas:  Schnell Vagon !!!!!

Victoria Cross:      Incredoible!!!!!

Super Moo:    Arf arf!!!!

Sheikov El Judas:   Ve cannot possibly accept such a priceless  objet d’art as collateral but now zat you have established your financial credentials, ze Karamea Ministry of Red Tape is prepared to extend you unlimited credit, interest free, tax free and with no legal obligation to make any repayment whatsoever for ze rest of your natural life!  Sign here kamerad !

Ned:      E….d…..w..a..r..d…..K…e…l..l..y!         What’s the catch?

Sheikov El Judas    :  You are obligated to take the entire staff of the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape on a crutch cruise up the main street! Pronto!!

Ned     :   All aboard!!!!!

Vrrooom…..vrroooom………

Hanoi Doris:     Alrighty!!!!!

Red Scarlett:     Yowser!!!

Sheikov El Judas:     Shtein Lager!!!!!!!!!

Supermoo:  Arf arf!!!!!!!!!!

VROOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Radio Karamea 107.5 FM

“ Don’t you ever let a chance go by…………………..”

Karamea Ministry of Red Tape
Staff Intelligence Briefing
Staff Cafe 1630hrs!

Hanoi Doris:  Does anyone have the answer to 3 across in this mornings Rongolian Star cryptic crossword? Naughty but nice, leaning towards Moscow!

Victoria Cross:      Bitch???

Red Scarlett:    Hokey Pokey???

Hanoi Doris:   Five letters!!!

Sheikov El Judas:     Porky????

Yowserkova Hot Momma III:    Fukov!!!!

Red Scarlett:   Can we have this week’s classified intelligence and covert operations report?

Hanoi Doris:    The Government Communication Services Bureau are close to cracking our internet scam to fleece Nigerian play school children!!!!

Sheikov El Judas:   Shize strasse!!!!!

Red Scarlett:   Covert operations????

Hanoi Doris:     The Karamea Ministry of Red Tape has today, employed two street kids to act as lookouts in case of any unexpected visit by the FUZZ! Their code names are Grasshopper and Jelloo!

Jelloo:    Pleased to be working for such honourable institution!

Grasshopper:   Can we be paid in roubles????

Red Scarlett:   Attention!!!

Grasshopper:   What for? Are we going to get a medal???

Hanoi Doris:   Your job is to to be on combat alert at all times!!  One wolf whistle for Jehovah’s Witnesses, two for the Filth, three for the Serious Fraud Unit and four for my mother in law!!!

Red Scarlett   :   Any questions????

Jelloo:  What does radioactive mean????

Red Scarlett:   Why do you ask???

Jelloo:    I found this silver canister floating in the Karamea River this morning!!!!

Hanoi Doris:  sTRonTiuM….. nInE….. Tea!!!

Red Scarlett:     EVACUATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aaaghhhhh!! Aaaggghhhhh!! Aaaaaggghh!!

Jelloo:   Oi!!  Don’t eat all the gingernuts!!!!!!!!

Grasshopper:    Munch…munch…Richard Head!!!!  I said write STRONTIUM 90!!!!!!!!!

“Radio Karamea 107.5 FM!

“Just eat it…………………..”

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