MTB Adventures on the Heaphy Track

 
By Paul Smith
 

By late June, when I finally got to the Heaphy, it had been open for seven weeks and eight weekends. In that time an estimated 1000+ mountain bikers had travelled the trail, around 150 each week. Not bad for a wet winter on a trail that takes two or three days to complete one way, and is a bit of a logistical nightmare.

The Heaphy needs no introduction to mountain bikers. In a nutshell: the path of the Heaphy trail over Gouland Downs dates back hundreds of years to when it was used by Golden Bay Maori to access the West Coast. In the mid-1800’s the coastal section was travelled by Charles Heaphy, and a few decades later there are records of gold miners traversing the inland portion. It was developed into a pack track, but when the gold rush ended it became overgrown and was only sporadically used until the formation of the North-West Nelson Forest Park in 1965. The 80 kilometer trail links Golden Bay with Karamea. There are stories of cyclists traveling along it back in the 1930’s, but it was in the 1980’s and 90’s that it became a must-do adventure for kiwis on their new-fangled mountain bikes. Unfortunately for cyclists, the area was designated a National Park in 1996 and under the rules of the National Parks Act, no bikes are allowed. It is rumored that 2000 cyclists rode the trail in 1996, the last year before closure. Not bad for a sport still to mature. The 15 years that followed was long enough for stories of riding the Heaphy to become legends and it became a somewhat mythical kiwi mountain bike adventure. Now, thanks to prolonged campaigning and a welcome DoC awareness of mountain bikes, the trail is open to bikes again in the quiet winter season, for a three year trail.

Given this history, and the passion that mere mention of the Heaphy generates in many kiwi mountain bikers, it isn’t a surprise that so many riders want their own Heaphy experience. What I do find surprising, however, is just how many riders have grappled with the logistics of a one way trail from the depths of Golden Bay to the back of beyond of the West Coast, and have undertaken a two or three day trip carrying overnight gear which would, for many of them, be a new experience. I missed the early days of the Heaphy, spending my formative cycling years in the UK, but I got caught up in the excitement of the re-opening this year and couldn’t wait to roll out onto the trail.

Not all of the trail to the Heaphy hut was sand, but when it was, it involved pushing.

 

Short sleeves, in June, on the West Coast? There was still the odd moment of sunshine. Actually, it was pretty warm on the first day. 

Suspension or swing: there are nearly a dozen bridges on the Heaphy. Guides from Escape Adventures in Takaka told us that it can take 45 minutes to get a group of six over a swingbridge. Here’s a tip – walk backwards, dragging your bike by the stem with one hand, holding onto the bridge with the other hand. Easy peasy.

I spent two nights and three days on the trail, travelling with four riding buddies in the unconventional direction (if there is such a thing) from Kohaihai to Brown Hut. We had managed our transport logistics by arranging a key swap and vehicle relocation with Escape Adventures in Takaka, and tackling the trail in this direction just made it all a little easier for us. We just had to meet Brian somewhere on the trail over the three days, or learn to hot-wire his van. We had planned to stay at Lewis and Gouland Downs huts, but ended up at Heaphy and Saxon. Our mid-week trip meant the huts were pretty empty and we had the opportunity to change our plans on the fly.

The overwhelming memories I am left with are not of amazing singletrack riding. The Heaphy wasn’t the short-term adrenalin hit injected by a couple of hours thrashing groomed trails. It wasn’t even the prolonged intensity of riding backcountry missions like Te Iringa or the old logging trails hidden deep in the Akatarawas. The riding is good, very good in fact, but what sticks for me is the diversity and sheer glory of nature and landscape that threatened to overwhelm my senses. It was a feeling of experiencing something hidden, something secret and something to be cherished. I felt privileged to be riding there and, after three days of being bombarded by untouched New Zealand, I returned blabbering about it to anyone who would listen, and many who would rather not.

The alternative method to cross. Wading over the Heaphy here saved us two swingbridges. It isn;t really as deep as Jimmy makes it look. I should know, I did it three times. That’ll teach me to leave my gloves on the beach.

There are some parts of the West Coast that never dry out.

Mud, rideable mud (mostly).

Conversation with friends who had ridden the Heaphy this year and accounts published on various blogs suggest that the trail is very tough going. There are stories of deep deep mud, floods higher than handlebars, long unrideable sections and serious bike damage. The trail seems to be creating a minor economic upturn through the sale of replacement brake pads alone. I’m not going to join this cacophony of warnings. Sure, I went through a few pairs of disc pads, but other riding buddies didn’t. There were muddy sections, and some of the climb up to MacKays Hut needed pushing and carrying. But, despite a couple of days of heavy rain immediately prior to our trip, and a night of heavy rain at Saxon Hut that continued into the afternoon the following day, I found the Heaphy mostly rideable and fun. Mud and saturated trails were constant companions, but they never dominated the experience. We saw press in the Nelson Mail warning mountain bikers of the mud due to an astounding 1910mm of rain falling in May, but also noting a comment from Buller DoC that the trail condition was not significantly bad and no worse than having had a large number of trampers through it. That is extremely encouraging for continuing mountain bike access.

The line between the West Coast and Golden Bay conservancy areas is very clear. On the West Coast they deal in mud and flush toilets. Golden Bay prefer rock, gravel and long drops. After 12 hours of heavy rain, the trail on the Golden Bay side, from Saxon Hut was wet but firm.

Gravel and rock all the way from Saxon Hut to Brown Hut. Our final day was by far the wettest, but also the fastest, with a big descent and a good trail surface.

In the six days we spent on the West Coast, on the Heaphy and in Golden Bay, we didn’t meet anyone with a bad word to say about the mountain bike trial. West Coast DoC rangers, trampers on the trail and locals in Karamea and Takaka were all absolutely positive about it. Our experience with everyone we met was incredibly friendly. We heard from DoC rangers that the buzz in the huts at the weekends was infectious – they have never seen so many people having so much fun on DoC land. I’m still buzzing. I’ll be back, maybe towards the end of the season to ride in the other direction.

Paul Smith.

Posted in Department of Conservation, DOC, Environment, Heaphy Track, Kahurangi National Park, Karamea, LivinginPeace Project, Mountain Biking, MTB, New Zealand, Tramping, Travel, Uncategorized, West Coast | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Rongolian Star Issue No. 15 February 2012

The Rongolian Star Issue No. 15 February 2012

The Rongolian Star

Issue No. 15 February 2012
Published by Royal Decree since 1878
Rongo Backpackers, Waverley Street,
Karamea, Buller, South Island, New Zealand
Telephone    00 64 3 7826 667
Internet  www.rongobackpackers.com
LivinginPeace Project: http://www.livinginpeace.com
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More Interesting Illusions

KookaBunny

 

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ArtofNature: Photo of the Month

Vegas: Photo by Paul Murray

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Use of Overt Sexual Imagery and Innuendo in Advertising

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Karamea Ministry of Red Tape #7

A New Zealand Government Department Authorised by a Covertly Ambiguous and Deliberately Rhetorical Act of Parliament Compounded by a Subtly Implied Royal Consent to Receive Official Complaints.
 

Office Manager:   Red Scarlett

Red Scarlett

Senior Complaints Officer   :  Jacquie La Rapier

Jacquie La Rapier

Office Parrot  :    Bob!

Bob the Office Parrot

Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Office – Market Cross Monday 9.03 a.m.

Sheik DJ Pukeko:   Salam Alekum Sahbiti!

Sheik Pukeko

Office Parrot:    Rurrkk!! Wa salam ! Rurrkkk!! 

Sheik DJ Pukeko:   A thousand humble felicitations O Ignorant Feathered Pedagogue of the Salubrious Temple of Sycophantic Worship!

Office Parrot:   Rurrkk!!  A million greasy yet humble kowtows O Wise Prince of the Burning Sands of the Sahara!

Jacquie La Rapier:   Eh bien Monsieur Sheik! Welcome to the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape, do you wish to file a complaint?

Sheik DJPukeko: If Allah is willing, O Celestial Daughter of the Risen Star of Al Harem Kebaab Rhubarba!

Jacquie La rapier   An official complaint O Magnificent Warrior of the Cosmic Maelstrom of Fortitude?

Sheik DJPukeko:   O yes Mighty Princess of the Third Moon of Al Moro Kakao Galah. I have been wounded in mortal combat!!!

Jacquie La Rapier:   Your humble under worked and over bribed slave is at your esteemed service O Enlightened Third Cousin, Twice Removed of the Wicked Aunt of Al Jeraboam Hezawalli Baabaa!

Sheik DJPukeko:    A calamitous indignity was visited upon my innocent soul by three rebellious infidel sons of the Red Scorpion of Al Kamekuza Beerjaah!

Jacquie La Rapier:   My sagacious quill thirstily awaits to inscribe your tortured aggrievement…um… ah…O  Immortal Prince of the Temple of the Eight Columns of Wisdom!

Sheik DJ Pukeko: Seven!!!

Jacquie La Rapier:  Seven Columns??  A billion sarcastic pardons O Venerable Sage of the East!

Sheik DJPukeko:   A trillion equally sarcastic, but definitively more derisive desert spoons of forgiveness O Bride of the Blood Sucking Black Leech of the Quagmire of El Geezer Salami!

Jacquie La Rapier:      Do you wish to pay by credit card, or cash O Esteemed Corpulent  Father of Flatulence??

Sheik DJPukeko:     By the hairy vertical moustache of the Prophet of Barbieloin! There is a fee?

Jacquie La Rapier:     Yes O Wondrous Lapdog of the Shining Muse of Al Kofe Aroma Bizarre! Five thousand sheikels!!!

Sheik DJPukeko:    Sheikels!!! Heathen Plaything of the Mad Caliph of Cairo, in my kingdom you would be beheaded at dusk by five wise virgins for daring to insult the Prince of Al Panache!

Jacquie La Rapier:    An exponentially fractionalised excuse for a silly sorry O Rapacious Emerald Jewel of the River of El Mozza Rellah Piza Riah!!!

Sheik  DJPukeko:    What proper and worthy form of emolument would satisfy the lucratic lust of the Hungry Tiger of El Cheroot!

Jacquie La Rapier:   The Karamea Ministry of Red Tape also accepts U.S. dollars and long option pork belly futures!!!

Sheik  DJPukeko:    Aaaaaaaahhhh!!!!     Aaaiiieeeee!!!!!!    Eeeeyaaaahhhh!!!!!

Red Scarlett:    Indigestion? O Worthy Devotee of the Salacious Aroma of the Blooming Lustrous Flower of Queen Cleosativa!

Sheik DJPukeko:      The burning ashes of the Raging Volcano of Al Berkchookah be visited upon your house this very day O Transparent  Platitudinous Mongrel of the Bottomless Pit of Iniquity!

Beep    Beep 

Tea Bimbo Thingy: Yes Boss!

Tea Lady

Red Scarlett:    A special coffee for our honourable guest O Fine and Virtuous Purveyor of Lactated Caffeine!

Tea Thingy Bimbo:     Is DJPukeko from Rongo at the front desk pretending to be an Arab Sheik again???

Red Scarlett:    Your psychic  perceptivenesss and unquestionably  inbred inquisitiveness will be rewarded in the heavenly realms O Wise Mother of the Tin of El Bikkah!!

Sheik DJ Pukeko:    Can you please record the wounds of my injured soul O Sultana of the Golden Shrine of Gullibility??

Red Scarlett:    The office is closing for the long holiday weekend O Noble Black Ratfink of the Fiery Conflagration of the Mount of El Tia Maria!

Sheik DJPukeko:   By the Flaming Sabre of El Chow Mein! It’s Monday and it’s only 10 o’clock in the morning O Procrastinating Pistachio of the Fountain of Irresponsibilty!

Red Scarlett:   Yawn!  It’s been a long week!!  Well, ok you have one minute O unfortunate threat to the Yearning Holistic Retreat of El Alco Hola!!

DJPukeko:  The ultimate indignity was heaped upon my virtuous head! I was beaten at chess by Swami Harry Krishna Amdi after being induced to quaff a vile snake venom by two infidel dogs named Alistair and Jonas!!!

Red Scarlett:   Single or double malt???

DJPukeko:     Son of a vegetarian vulture!!! How dare you suggest a servant of Mecca would imbibe the Poison of Foolishness!!

Red Scarlett:   Irish or Scotch???

DJPukeko:   The ambrosia of the green valley of Ell Tullah Morah spiked with the vile tincture of the diamond headed cobra’s bite brought confusion and cerebral inexactitude upon my computational ………………

KABOOM!!!!

Red Scarlett:  Yawn!!!

Quotations about bureaucracy and red tape…

“Every revolution evaporates and leaves behind only the slime of a new bureaucracy.”  ~ Franz Kafka

“Bureaucracy is the epoxy that greases the wheels of progress.” ~ James Boren

“Bureaucracy — the giant power wielded by pygmies.”
~ Honoré de Balzac

“Bureaucracy, the rule of no one, has become the modern form of despotism.”  ~ Mary McCarthy

“To get the attention of a large animal, be it an elephant or a bureaucracy, it helps to know what part of it feels pain. Be very sure, though, that you want its full attention.” ~ Kelvin Throop aka R.A.J. Philips

“The only thing that saves us from the bureaucracy is its inefficiency.”  ~ Eugene McCarthy

“Bureaucracy is the art of making the possible impossible.”  ~ Javier Pascal Salcedo

“Bureaucracy expands to meet the needs of the expanding bureaucracy.” ~ Oscar Wilde.

“If we could ever make red tape nutritional, we could feed the world.” ~ Robert Schaeberle

“You will never understand bureaucracies until you understand that for bureaucrats procedure is everything and outcomes are nothing.”  ~ Thomas Sowell

Posted in Funny, Hilarious, Humor, Humour, Karamea, Karamea Ministry of Red Tape, Parody, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Rather Sexist Advertising from the 1950s

Very Sexist Ads from the 50’s (24 pics)
2Very Sexist Ads from the 50’s (24 pics)
3Very Sexist Ads from the 50’s (24 pics)
4Very Sexist Ads from the 50’s (24 pics)
5Very Sexist Ads from the 50’s (24 pics)
6Very Sexist Ads from the 50’s (24 pics)
7Very Sexist Ads from the 50’s (24 pics)
8Very Sexist Ads from the 50’s (24 pics)
9Very Sexist Ads from the 50’s (24 pics)
10Very Sexist Ads from the 50’s (24 pics)
11Very Sexist Ads from the 50’s (24 pics)
12Very Sexist Ads from the 50’s (24 pics)
13Very Sexist Ads from the 50’s (24 pics)
14Very Sexist Ads from the 50’s (24 pics)
15Very Sexist Ads from the 50’s (24 pics)
16Very Sexist Ads from the 50’s (24 pics)
17Very Sexist Ads from the 50’s (24 pics)
18Very Sexist Ads from the 50’s (24 pics)
19Very Sexist Ads from the 50’s (24 pics)
20Very Sexist Ads from the 50’s (24 pics)
21Very Sexist Ads from the 50’s (24 pics)
22Very Sexist Ads from the 50’s (24 pics)
23Very Sexist Ads from the 50’s (24 pics)
24Very Sexist Ads from the 50’s (24 pics)
Posted in Advertising, Historical, Humor, Humour, Parody, Satire, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

The LivinginPeace Project: Karamea, NEW ZEALAND

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Zen and the Art of Hitchhiking: Short Film by Gerar Toye

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Karamea Article by Phil Bostwick from Sunday Star Times Magazine

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