Rooters – Karamea: In the height of the extreme paranoid hysteria surrounding the Terrorism Red Alert announced yesterday by Oztralian Prime Minister Tony Oi Oi Abbot, a deep cover Russian Master Spy has been unmasked in Perth Western Australia!

Eelaroo Australian Security Intelligence Organisation) Director, Sir Bruce Forsyth in Canberra today has named Joodndalup left arm medium bowler Doug O’Toole as “The Twelfth Man!”

Arrested in a dawn raid, in his polka dot pyjamas at his Hyde Park sleep out, by elite forces of the Bravo Yankee Oscar Squad, Doug denied he was a sleeper!

The Emperor’s New Horse

The 2014 Melbourne Cup is a foregone conclusion according to Wun Wun Too, Stable Master for 58 kg top weight Doggone Wok owned and trained by North Korean President for Life, Dim Bong Goon!

At this morning’s Flemington dawn track gallop, despite being shaded in the mist, Doggone Wok was timed to run 1000 metres in 58.6 and the last 400 in 22.3!

Pictured with his 3 yr old Phantom Chance – Sly Grog colt, Dim Bong Goon was adamant that only a biblical flood could prevent Doggone Wok, (Dogbreath to his adoring fans) from triumphing in Oztralia’s greatest race!

Currently at even money with Melbourne Bookies, The Kelly Gang, Doggone Wok is carrying the hopes of all North Korean race fans and reportedly even McDonalds have expressed an interest in taking a steak in the colt!

Underwriters for the Melbourne Cup, The Reserve Bank Of Zimbabwe have pledged to donate $10,00,000,000,000,000 (10 quadrillion dollars Zim ) specifically for the erection of refreshment tents in the middle of the Flemington Track! Victoria Bitter Chairman, Joe Boozlebub has promised to match this amount in free beer!

Victoria Bitter Chairman, Joe Boozlebub said, “Free Beer? Bloody Oath!”

In confident anticipation of his imminent triumph, Dim Bong Goon chose to celebrate before the Cup so that he could also celebrate after claiming the coveted trophy for his beloved country and people. The Great Leader filled his presidential trailer with strippers, caviar, cocktails and other luxury items he has become accustomed to…invited his best buddy for life Rod Dennisman to join him and they partied hearty until Dawn’s crack.