Gorby Jesus
Road-Kill Jesus
Armchair Jesus
Foetal Jesus
Holy Trinity Jesus
Jesus’ Ride
Pistol-Grip Jesus
Bomber Jesus
Commuter Jesus
Urban Shepherd Jesus
WTF? Jesus
Top Gun Jesus
Twistie Jesus
Grumpy Jesus
Surfer Jesus
Pugilist Jesus
Ninja Jesus
Guitar God Jesus
Warhol Jesus
Gene Simmons Jesus
Outlaw Jesus
Bargain Jesus
HomeBoy Jesus
MiniSkirt Jesus
BatMan Jesus
Japanese Jesus
Baby MacJesus
Jesus Christ!
A Photo Slideshow from Rongo in Karamea at the top of the West Coast of the South Island of New Zealand. Rongo is the birthplace of the LivinginPeace Project: http://www.livinginpeace.com
Come and Visit!!
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MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.
 ANNOY and frustrate SpecSavers staff by wandering up to their counter, squinting your eyes whilst looking up at the price board, and when they ask if they can help you, saying “Big Mac and large fries, please.”
BIRD FLU could be quickly and easily eradicated by adding a few drops of Lemsip or Daynurse to birdbaths. (Obviously, you would have to put Nightnurse in the birdbaths for owls.) LADY drivers. Draw a little diagram on a Post-it showing the position of the hand brake and gear stick, and stick it to your dashboard. This will save you having to look for them when the lights go green.
 DOG owners. Don’t waste money on a lead. Simply walk your dog backwards holding its tail.
 FATTIES. Take a tip from smokers and stop your cravings for crisps By Sellotaping a crisp to the top of your arm each morning.
PUBLIC toilet users. When you realise the person in the next cubicle is holding fire until you leave, simply open and close the toilet door without leaving. Their first plop can then be greeted with a huge cheer.
CONVINCE bar staff that your pint is off by sticking your finger up your arse before holding the glass close to their nose.
DRUNKEN drivers. When making your way home from a night out, put ‘L’ plates on your car to convince patrol-ling police that any careless driving is the result of inexperience rather than drink. How you explain a 3am driving lesson is up to you.
MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
FELLAS. Stand outside an Ann Summers shop dressed in a security guard’s uniform with a smoke detector in your pocket. When a fit bird walks out, simply press the smoke alarm button and voila! A free grope!
SMOKERS. ‘Every cigarette you smoke takes 10 seconds off your life’, health experts say. To combat this, at the end of every day work out how many seconds you have ‘lost’, and simply go to bed that much later, or wake up that much earlier the next morning. Hey presto! your lost time is returned.
DISCARDED PALLETS make ideal ‘designer futons’ for style-conscious tramps.
WOMEN Don’t waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn’t give a shit anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you’ve been banged.
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The Yamaguchi Gumi Executive (Japan’s Top Yakuza Organisation)
Nyotaimori: Sushi Served on a Woman’s Naked Body
http://heavy.com/social/2014/01/crazy-weird-japanese-game-show-gifs/8/
PUBLISHED by catsmob.com
Office Manager: Red Scarlett
Senior Complaints Officer: Yahtzee Fu Manchu
Honorary Tea Dictator: Meoww Say Bong
Office Receptionist: Soupy Modelll
Office Brontosaurus: Mac the Strife
Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Market Cross 2.00 p.m. Fliday June 20th
Yahtzee Fu Manchu: Ah honolable missee! Please enter the Slagacious Temple of Buloclatic Indeslision!
Julia Gillard P.M.: Thank you oh Worthy Oriental Gentleman! May the Wisdom of Confucius guide your power of discernment this auspicious day!
Yahtzee Fu Manchu: What you confusciased and susplicious about?
Julia Gillard Pre M. T.: Aiiya!! Are you a boat person??
Yahtzee Fu Manchu: No klicking anyone!!!
Julia Gillard: Ai caramba! Do… you… understand…. English…??
Yahtzee Fu Manchu: Nobloody understanding slillee English people!!
Julia Gillard: Aaaaggghhhh!! I wish to make a complaint!
Soupy Modelll: Hi!
Julia Gillard: Young lady I am Julia Gillard the Prime Minister of Australia. I would like to make a serious complaint!!
Soupy Modelll: Oh!
Julia Gillard: Can you take my complaint???
Soupy Modelll: No!
Julia Gillard: Are all Kiwis stupid?????
Soupy Modelll: Aachoooo!
Julia Gillard: Bitch!!! You sneezed all over my new pink Barbie hand bag!!
Soupy Modelll: Aaaachoooo!
Julia Gillard: I want to make a %@*^$%#%#@ complaint!!!!!
Red Scarlett: Excuse me Mistress Gillard, I am Red Scarlett the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Office Manager and YOU are obliged to anoint our office swear box with silver!!
Julia Gillard: Fuck Off!!! I wish to make a complaint!!
Red Scarlett: An official complaint Sheila??!!
Julia Gillard Australian M.P. for Lalor: Bloody Oath!!!
Red Scarlett: Yawn! Your official complaint Mrs Prime Minister Sir!!
Julia Gillard: Why was Australia’s greatest race horse, Phar Lap born in New Zealand! It’s sacrilegious!!
Red Scarlett: Both Phar Lap and Joh Bjelke Petersen, Australia’s Greatest ever politician were born in New Zealand!
Julia Gillard: I am Australia’s Greatest Politician ever!!!
Red Scarlett: A great politician is always remembered at their last trumpet call with reverence and respect!!
Julia Gillard: But my government is so corrupt, reverence and respect don’t even make it onto our petty cash agenda!! How can I receive such greatness!!
Red Scarlett: You need to become a martyr for a spiritually noble cause involving humanistic altruism!!
Julia Gillard: Aaaagghhhhhhhhhhhh!! I’m coming out in a rash!!
Red Scarlett: Can you think of a high minded cause so great that people would still remember you when you are compost!!
Julia Gillard: Well I always recycle my official limo parking tickets for rollies!!
Red Scarlett: Mmmm!! Let me consult the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Office Manual!!
Julia Gillard: Wow! What an enormous compendium!!
Red Scarlett: Indeed here we go!! Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Section U81GG…blah..blah..blah… Ocker P.M. martyred this arvo.. blah..blah..blah.. altruistic.. blah..blah..blah…samaritan… oi oi oi…blah…blah..blah!!!
Julia Gillard: Aaaaghhh!!!!I need to have been born a saint!
Red Scarlett: You need to champion the cause of displaced persons afloat on eskis, rubber inner tubes, mah jong boards and pieces of straw!!
Julia Gillard: BOAT PEOPLE!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Red Scarlett: Martyrdom comes at a cost! Mistress Prime Minster!!! You must adopt one of these unfortunates. Housetrain, clothe, feed and educate at Bingo the next immigrant washed ashore at Bondi!@!
Julia Gillard : F…u….c…k…!!! I’m not adopting a f…u…c..k…i…n…g Kiwi!!
Red Scarlett: The road to heaven is also paved with good intent Juju!
Julia Gillard: The next floater could be a bloody bludging bloody Maori!!
Red Scarlett: Martyrdom is accompanied by a feast day and any new strain of xenophobillosis being named after a suitably martyred politician!!
Julia Gillard: Cripes you drive a hard bargain!! Although, Saint Cobba sounds real brillo!
Red Scarlett: Are you mentally tough enough to be a martyr!!
Julia Gillard: Fucking Oath!!! You know I could do with a new scratching post for my pet Dingo VeggieBurger!!
Red Scarlett: Mmm!! The Maori race have a tradition of honour and mana!!
Julia Gillard: Right action plan then!! Rangonui Ragoo can have one Sabbath morning off every decade, I’ll pay him two and six once every Saturnalian eclipse. He’ll need to be deloused for lice and fleas so Veggie Burger doesn’t catch some horrible Kiwi lurgy. I’ll need 24 hour armed guards on my beer cellar. Yeah and I better tell Yuros at the local fish and chip to start opening for breakfast and morning tea!
Red Scarlett: The cost of martyrdom appears to be extremely painful Mrs. Prime Minister Sir!!
Julia Gillard: Strewth!!!
Red Scarlett: Let me consult the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Office Manual.. Mmmm here we go…Section IC UBA 38C blah…blah…blah… Ocker P.M. martyred this arvo…blah..blah…blah…champion of self propelled floaters.. blah ..blah..blah… few schooners at the RSL afterwards.. blah…blah…blah. One dollar and eighty five cents including GST!!!
Julia Gillard: Bloody Bonza!! Matryrdom for the price of a meat pie!!!
Red Scarlett: Actually the cost of a plumbum parabellum corneal incision!!!
Julia Gillard just about be martyred Prime Minister of 20 million give or take dogs, wops, spics, dagos, greasers, Bongas and Bludging Bloody Kiwis: Oi wotcha cobba!! They didn’t teach us big gumboot wheelbarrow words at the Uni of Woolomoloo!!!
KABOOM!!!!!
Red Scarlett: A lead slug in the right cornea you Ozzie omgomathon!!
Julia Gillard: A…a…a…g…h…h…!!!
Kaboom!!!!!
Red Scarlett: Crap!! Now the cost is $3.70!!! The price of a chilled bottle of meths!!!
Meoww Say Bong: Missee no sligning indlemnity aglainst ploselocution!!!
Red Scarlett: Thank the Lord!! Her right hand is still twitching!! Quick get a pen!!
Yahtzee Fu Manchu: Lookeee!! Tooth Hurteee!!!
Red Scarlett: Mmmm!! You’re right it’s time for afternoon tea!
Office Brontosaurus Mac the Strife: Fart!
Red Scarlett: Yawn!! Hip hip!!
Yahtzee Fu Manchu: Hlay!!!!
Jimi Hendrix & Mick Jagger, New York , 1969
Frank Sinatra and Grace Kelly
The Beatles and Mohammad Ali, 1964
Michael Jackson & Mr. T
Martin Luther King Jr. and Marlon Brando
George Harrison and Bob Marley
Danny DeVito and Christopher Reeve
Bob Marley and Jackson Five, 1975
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Shaquille O’neal
Michael Jackson, Francis Ford Coppola and George Lucas
Charlie Chaplin and Albert Einstein
Mother Teresa and Princess Diana
Salvador Dali and Coco Chanel
John Lennon, Yoko Ono and Pierre Elliott Trudeau (Then Prime Minister of Canada) 1969
James Brown and Mick Jagger, 1964
Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee
Paul Newman and Clint Eastwood
Henry Ford, Thomas Edison, Warren G. Harding, and Harvey Firestone, 1921
Madonna, Sting and 2Pac
Steve Jobs and Bill Gates
Martin Luther King Jr. and Malcolm X
James Dean and Elizabeth Taylor
Ian Fleming and Sean Connery
Johnny Cash and Ray Charles
Elvis Presley and Tom Jones
Walt Disney and Shirley Temple
Dave Grohl, Ru Paul and Kurt Cobain
Jerry Lee Lewis, Carl Perkins, Elvis Presley and Johnny Cash
Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong
Charlie Chaplin and Mahatma Gandhi
Marilyn Monroe and Sammy Davis Jr.
The cast of the original Star Wars Trilogy
Francis Ford Coppola
Bob Dylan with Sonny and Cher
Madonna
Madonna
Jack Nicholson
Andy Warhol with John and Yoko Lennon
Marlon Brando
Frank Sinatra
Kurt Cobain
Warren Beatty and Jack Nicholson
Bruce Lee
Dennis Hopper
Sean Connery
John Travolta
John Voight and Angelina Jolie
Stanley Kubrick
Marilyn Monroe
Paul McCartney
Jane Seymour and Freddie Mercury
Alfred Hitchcock and Sons
JFK and Marilyn Monroe
Eric Clapton (left) and his Mum
Jimmy Page
Michael and Kirk Douglas
Sean Connery and Brigitte Bardot
Michael Jackson
Poof Daddy
Brigitte Bardot in Rome, 1960s
Charles Bukowski
Baldrick: “What I want to know, Sir, is, before there was a Euro there were lots of different types of money that different people used. And now there’s only one type of money that the foreign people use. And what I want to know is, how did we get from one state of affairs to the other state of affairs.”
Blackadder: “Baldrick. Do you mean, how did the Euro start?”
Baldrick: “Yes, Sir.”
Blackadder: “Well, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980s there were many different countries all running their own finances and using different types of money. On one side you had the major economies of France , Belgium , Holland and Germany , and on the other, the weaker nations of Spain , Greece , Ireland , Italy and Portugal . They got together and decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all use the same money, have one Central Bank, and belong to one large club where everyone would be happy. This meant that there could never be a situation whereby financial meltdown would lead to social unrest, wars and crises.”
Baldrick: “But this is sort of a crisis, isn’t it Sir?”
Blackadder: “That’s right Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw with the plan.”
Baldrick: “What was that then, Sir?”
Blackadder: “It was Bollocks.”
Hey Ladies, need resuscitation? I have recently had hands-on experience in the art of CPR when one of the lovely young ladies who answered my previous listings on The Rongolian Lonely Hearts Club was overcome on meeting me and fainted…apparently, she couldn’t handle my musk…but that’s another story WOOF!
Robert “Garfunkle” Davids attempts to revive a fallen petal
I’m very pleased to report that the fragile little thang is OK and, despite waking up dazed and confused and sans most of her clothes, she is indeed healthy, strong and fit oncemore.
Who is this man?
Sadly, my reputation as a bon vivant and pantsmaster has been tarnished by the mishap and I now must disguise myself in public to avoid further embarrassing confrontations with angry mothers of the sweet ladies I met online and who mysteriously succumbed similarly to my charms…
Hey Ladies…How do you like your Eggs?
Alas, I’m still lonely and virginal and should there be any lovely ladies out there with like afflictions, please call 7826XXX or e-mail me at trousers@hotmale.com and leave a brief message detailing your particulars or, if I’m not at home, please leave a message with me old mum and I’ll ring you as soon as I get home from Sunday School.
Please don’t judge me on my past solecisms, I will endeavor not to overwhelm any lovely, young, nubile applicants with my intense charm and powerful charisma…my mojo zip, zing, pep, pizzazz, punch, bounce, oomph, moxie, go, get-up-and-go, vim and vigor, feistiness or my penchant for modesty…go on, give me a call, you know you want to.
I’m waiting by the phone in breathless anticipation…Bob.
***Disclaimer: The Rongolian Lonely Hearts Club is a comedic parody, any resemblance to real persons living or dead is unintentional and purely coincidental.***
Weird, Wonderful and Wacky Weddings
Jumping with Joy
Moonies?
Patriots
WTF Wedding III
WTF Wedding IV
WTF Wedding V
Impatient Couple
Looking for a Big Gun
Smokin’ Bride
Submissive Bride
Roller Girl
Knight in Shining Amour
Ireland?
Mid West Wedding?
21 Gun Salute
Body Paint Wedding Outfits
Super-Sized King Wedding Cake Burger
Wedding Hoes
Aussie Wedding
Moonie Wedding II
Proud Father of the Bride?
Whoops II
Scotland?
Whoops !!!
Dutch Courage and Last-Minute Touch-Up
Canine Photo Crashers
Unfortunate Name Match…(Beer-Crapp doesn’t really work either)
Composition, Composition, Composition!
Soon to Divorce!
Caught Short
Wedding Gown Trail Fail
New-Age Man and Wife
Let Me Go MUM!
Eve Marries Adam
Inappropriate Wedding Gift?
Japan?
Nerds Wedding
Super Hero Wedding II
The Town of Bedrock?
Christchurch?
WTF Wedding VI
Adelaide Wedding
Chinese Wedding
Trekkie Wedding
Hello Kitty Wedding
WTF Wedding VII
Goth Nuptials
King Henry VIII…A Most Experienced Groom
Afghanistan?
Second Thoughts? II
Cheapskate?
Wedding Pirates
Monster-Truck Wedding
Kung Fu Wedding
Stipper Bride
Impatient Groom II
Keen Groom
Golfer Wedding
Shotgun Wedding (Traditional)
Canine Wedding Crasher
Distressing Wedding Facts
One bride, after discovering her groom-to-be wearing her wedding dress and locked in the arms of the best man in a passionate embrace on the night before their big day, quite rightly cancelled the wedding.
The knife used to cut up their wedding cake was again put in use shortly after at the reception when a French bride stabbed her husband of a few hours in 1995.
Keeping track of all his many lovers was impossible for Casanova and when he went to ask for his girlfriend Leonilda’s hand in marriage her mother screamed and fainted when she realised he was to be her future son-in-law. She had in the past been one of Casanova’s lovers and Leonilda was actually his own daughter.
Giacomo Girolamo Casanova de Seingalt (Casanova)
Half way through his wedding ceremony the King of France (Philip I Augustus) decided he did not like his bride. Immediately after the ceremony he locked up his new Danish wife Ingeborg in a nunnery where she lived out her remaining years.
One bride must hold the record for the most distressful wedding day ever! Princess Maria del Pozzo della Cisterno wedding was marked by not one unforgettable event but six of them. The day she married the Duke D’Aosta, who was the son of the King of Italy, in 1867 her wardrobe mistress hung herself and the palace gatekeeper cut his throat. Further events to mar the day was the death of the colonel who was leading the wedding procession when he collapsed from sunstroke and the stationmaster was crushed to death underneath the honeymoon train’s wheels. If that was not enough the best man shot himself and the King’s aide fell from his horse and was killed instantly…and after all that, the wedding cake was in tiers!
Princess Maria Del Pozzo and the Duke D’Aosta
Amusing Wedding Facts
A best man found himself married to the bride after a mix up in 1920. Albert Muldoon had walked up to the Alter with the groom and stood on his left but on seeing him in the position the priest addressed all the questions to him. Muldoon replied to them all and the mix up was only discovered when the real groom wanted to sign the register. A second wedding ceremony was quickly arranged.
A 3ft 1in tall bride Natalie Lucius was towered over by her 6ft 2in tall husband Fabien Pretou at their wedding in France in 1990.
In 1976 Los Angeles secretary Jannene Swift officially married a 50lb rock. The ceremony was witnessed by more than 20 people.
Movie star Joan Crawford would change over all the toilet seats in her house whenever she married a new husband.
Joan Crawford Marries, Calls Plumber
Record Breaking Wedding Facts
Minnie Munro from Australia is the oldest bride to marry. She was a mere 102 years when she married her boyfriend of 82 years.
In 1993 over 30,000 guests attended a wedding in Jerusalem making it the largest wedding attendance on record.
An engagement between a Mexican couple lasted for 67 years before they finally tied the knot in 1969.
The most expensive wedding cost over £22 million ($78 million) and was held in a purpose built stadium in Dubai for a Sheikh’s son.
Vanisha Mittal & Amit Bhatia
Temulji Nairman and Lady Nairman hold the record for the longest ever recorded marriage of 86 years. They were married at 5 years old.
Elton John’s once charged £2 million to secure him singing at a wedding.
One man notched up 104 bigamous marriages in 15 countries between 1949 and 1981. When he was brought to charge they were unsure which aliases he used as he had so many. He was sentenced in 1983 to 34 years in prison and died in 1991.
Tit Bits of Wedding Facts
Scotsmen once kidnapped their future brides and the one who excelled at the abduction was given the title of best man. A term that is still very much in use today.
All of Henry VIII’s wives were related to each other.
The longest wedding dress was found in Germany with a length of 515 feet.
Egyptian men thought it distasteful to deflower their new brides and gave the chore to a hired servant.
In China 26,000 couples get married ever day.
When he was due to marry Marie Henrietta in 1853, Leopold II, King of the Belgians was too sick so his brother the Archduke Charles stood in for him by proxy.
A Malaysian man holds the record for being the best man at over 1000 weddings.
Harry Bidwell of Brighton was 101 when he was divorced from his 65-year-old wife in 1980.
Saudi Arabian women literally have grounds for divorce. They can obtain a separation if their husband doesn’t give them coffee.
In Anglo Saxon times, a man could divorce his wife on the grounds that she was too passionate.
Impotence is grounds for divorce in 24 states in the US.
George IV got himself so drunk on the day of his wedding to Caroline of Brunswick that he had to be carried to the altar. That night, he fell asleep in the fireplace.
Movie star Eva Bartok said that none of her first three marriages was consummated. At 15 she was briefly married to an SS officer in Hungary. Then she entered into a marriage of convenience with film producer Alexander Paal so that she could get out of Hungary. And the third was to film publicist William Wordsworth, a descendant of the poet. They split up at the wedding ceremony.
The people of the Czech Republic throw peas at weddings instead of rice. And Italians throw sugared almonds.
The wedding tradition in Greece is to write the names of all the bride’s unmarried female friends and relatives on the sole of her shoe. After the wedding, the shoe is examined and those whose names have been worn off are said to be next in line for a journey up the aisle.
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