Karamea Ministry of Red Tape #10

Red Scarlett

A New Zealand Government Department Authorised by a Covertly Ambiguous and Deliberately Rhetorical Act of Parliament Compounded by a Subtly Implied Royal Consent to Receive Official Complaints. 

Office Manager:    Red Scarlett

Senior Complaints Office: Rubik Khan

Rubik Khan

Ruby Monda

Secretary: Ruby Monday

Bob

Office Mongoose: Bob!

Receptionist/Tea Bimbette/Cleaner /Accounts:    Mrs Doyle

Mrs Doyle

The Offices of The Karamea Ministry of Red Tape: 

Market Cross, July 4th! Public Counter

The Offices of the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape: Front Counter

Dan Quayle:       Hi there! I am here to make a complaint about…..

Dan Quail

Rubik Khan:        An official complaint Mr. Vice President???

Daniel Quayle:    Yes indeeedy!!

Rubik Khan:       Red Scarlett, the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Office Manager is the only staff member authorised to process official complaints from VIP’s.

The Manager’s Office

Red Scarlett:      Yawn!! Boring!! Mondays are so tedious!!

Red Scarlett and some bearded dude…

Rubik Khan: The Vice President of America, Mister Daniel Quayle is at the front counter!

Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Front Counter

Red Scarlett:    Yawn!! We are greatly honoured to have the Vice President of America attend the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape. (Yeah right Tui!)

Dan Quayle:    Your hospitality impresses me. God Bless America!

Dan Quayle

Red Scarlett:   Yawn!! I hereby authorise myself to grant an intellectual behemoth such as yourself the Freedom of Karamea!

Dan Quayle:   Why thank ye!   Say is that security camera providing a live feed on satellite TV?

Red Scarlett:      Yawn!! Well ..   n…..n….ah..yes of course! Smile!!

Daniel Quayle:     I just want to tell the good people of America….

Rubik Khan:     Why? Are the bad people of America blind and deaf??

Rubik Khan…somewhere in the 23rd Century Galactic….

Daniel:    No! Just stupid and illiterate.

Dan the MAN

Red Scarlett:     Touche!  Mr. Vice President Sir!

Bright Red Scarlett Blushing

Dan: This moment of truth was brought to you by my campaign sponsor Twinkies Cereal.

Call   1 800 747 737 now and receive your free Twinky Bear!!

Red Scarlett:   Mr. Quail, please describe to me the machinations of your complaint!

Mr. Vice President Sir:    I don’t know how to spell your New Zealand Zezpree!

KABOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rubik Khan:    Ohmigod! Mr. Quayle! I think you’re bleeding!

Red Scarlett:   Yawn!! Um.. get… ah .. um…  an aspirin!

Rubik Khan:    You just mortally wounded Dan!

Red Scarlett:     I’m having a bad-hair day alright! Now get me an aspirin!

Royal Red Scarlett

Daniel Quayle:     I   n..e.e.d ..a…..d…da…d..oc..to..r!!

Office  Mongoose:      Fart!

Bob

Beep Beep  

Ruby Monday:   Yes Boss!

Ruby Monday

Red Scarlett:    Is there any whisky left over from last night’s Kangaroo Court.

Ruby Monday:   Just enough for Holy Communion after the rugger test on Saturday!

Red Scarlett:    Say! What blood type are you?

Ruby Monday:    Type AA. Why?

Red Scarlett:    I’m feeling rather faint!

Daniel Quayle VP USA:       I…….y……aahh…..

Frail Dan Quayle

Rubik Khan:      Z…..e…..s…..p…..r…..i……

Daniel Q:       I  …k..n.ew…. th.a..t!!

Secret Service Agent Malone:    Red Scarlett???

Red Scarlett:      Que?

Secret Service Agent Malone:    Do you realise the extremely serious consequences for executing the Vice President of the United States of America??

Red Scarlett:    Loss of my air points??

Secret Service Agent Malone:   I arrest you in the Name of The Law!

Secret Service Agent Malone

Red Scarlett:   I am The Law in the offices of The Karamea Ministry of Red Tape. This man is a wanted terrorist on The Red Tape Top 100!

Red Scarlett

Secret Service Agent Malone:   Really?  I’m sorry I didn’t know!

Secret Service Agent Phelps:   Are we in trouble??

Red Scarlett: Let me consult the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Official Manual. Um..ah..Here we go Regulation  747/45.   “To whit..blah blah blah… Vice President USA…blah blah blah…. Zespri…blah blah blah.. ..bullet lodged in right cranial vacuum… blah… blah….dying confession… blah.. blah ..blah…

Rubik Khan:   Blah!!

Red Scarlett:    I beg your pardon!

Rubik Khan:    You missed a blah between cranial vacuum and dying confession!

Red Scarlett:    True! We must follow strict procedure!!

Secret Service Agent Phelps:    Do we need a lawyer??

Secret Service Agent Phelps

Red Scarlett:   We need to take this dying man’s last confession.

Rubik Khan:    I’ll go and get Father Murphy!

Red Scarlett   (whisper)… (Pat Murphy’s not a real father!!)

Rubik Khan:   (whisper)….( yes he is, he’s got two sons and three daughters and his wife Rosa can make us some raspberry scones)

Father  .  I.. mean..ah … Pat Murphy:      Well noooo! Aaagh!  Confess young man and receive…..

Father Murphy

Red Scarlett:      (whisper)…..(Absolution!!)

Patrick Murphy’s Law:     (whisper)…..( What the feck is that??)

Red Scarlett:      (whisper)…( Didn’t you see The Exorcist??)

Father Murphy:      Confess my son and receive Abso  Lution!!!

Daniel Quayle:     I…   s.h..o..t    JFK from the glassy troll!!

Mrs. Doyle:     Mr. Vice President Sir???

Daniel:     U..hhh …a..hhhh!

Mrs Doyle:     Would you like a cup of tea!

Daniel Quayle, very soon to be ex Vice President of The United States of America:    Aaaaghhh!

Mrs Doyle:      Go on noo. Have a cup of tea!!

Daniel Quayle:      No…one….ever…..

Rubik Khan:      Silence!! This could be a revelation that could send Wall Street into free fall!

Father Murphy:      Go on my son!

Daniel Quayle:     No…one…. ever…..taught ..me….how….to…..inhale!!!

Mrs Doyle:      Sugar, Mr. Quayle??

Daniel Quayle:       P….o…t…..a…….t…….o?…..e?…..s????

Jesus Christ:     Shalom

Jesus Christ!!

Secret Service Agent Malone:    Scram you long haired hippy freak. There is important American  Vice Presidential business going on here!!

Secret Service Agent Malone

Jesus Christ:    I am the way and the truth!

Jesus Christ

Red Scarlett:     Jesus! I read in the Bible that you raised Lazarus from the dead! Can you lay your healing hands on Mr. Quayle?

Jesus Christ:      Your brother still breathes!!

KABOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jesus Christ:     Bitch!!  You shot me in the foot!

Red Scarlett:      Oops!!

Rubik Khan:    Wow!  On your knees!  A divine miracle from heaven!!  Look at Mr. Quayle!!  Hes…he’s..ah……dead!!

Red Scarlett:     Jesus! Cometh the hour cometh the man!

Jesus Christ:      Get lost! Why would I bring an idiot back from the dead!!

Mrs Doyle:       Mr. Christ?? Would you like a cup of tea???

Mrs Doyle

Posted in Humor, Humour | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

For the Love of Dog!

  • Mesa, AZ

    Tempe, AZ

  • Happy Cino de Mayo!

  • Phoenix, AZ
  • Phoenix, AZ

  • Phoenix, AZ

  • Phoenix, AZ

  • Flag Staff, AZ
    • Flag Staff, AZ
    • Beaver, UTSalt Lake City, UTSpanish Fork, UTMoab, UTSalt Lake City, UTSalt Lake City, UTSalt Lake City, UTMaddie is going skiing! Solitude, UTMountain View, WY
      • Evanston, WY

        Cody, WY

      • This is what Maddie looks like when she’s not standing on things

      • Cody, WY

      • Powell, WY

      • Cody, WY

      • Jackson, WY

      • Alta, WYLibby, MTSandpoint, IDSandpoint, ID

        • Missoula, MT

        • Missoula, MT

        • Sixteen, MT

        • Ryegate, MT

        • McGregor, ND

        • Tioga, ND

        • Tioga, ND

        • Fort Yates, ND

        • Fort Yates, NDBismarck, ND

          • Rapid City, SD
          • Pactola, SD
          • Rapid City, SD
          • Mission Hill, SD
          • Yankton, SD
          • West Point, NE
          • Kennard, NE
          • Lincoln, NE
          • Benedict, NE
             
            From Maddie the Coonhound: http://maddieonthings.com/
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Another Busy Day for the Old Baked Bean

Reagan Roasting Queen

Marilyn Monarch

African Queen

Jammin’ with Liz

Anyone for Tennis?

Alien Hunter Queen

Wigless Windsor

Busted Soverign

Dame Edna Above Average

Sleeping Soverign

Her Majesty Muscles

Cubist Queen

Sneering Soverign

Doyenne with Dogs

Off to Ascot What, What!

Queen in the Park

Queen of Cats

HRH Hillary

Queen of Arabia

Sun-Tanned Queen

Burger Queen

KeeF QueeN

Red Queen

 

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Off the Top of my Head: Musings from a MountainTop

High on Denniston Plateau Seeking Balance Between Economy and Environment
By Paul Murray

The Old and the New: Power Demand Driving Denniston Plateau Mining Plans

High on a mountaintop overlooking the Tasman Sea hard-hatted men in convoys of white utes patrol the plateau and make plans to uncover the riches beneath the rock, tussock and scrub.

Coal is the new gold on the West Coast of the South Island…and our coal is considered the world’s best…hot-burning coking coal is in hot demand in emerging economies like India and China and in energy-hungry industrialised nations like Japan.

World energy demand has risen significantly in the decades since Denniston was last disturbed by coal mining. This is metaphorically represented on the plateau by a remnant power-deliver system that is now dwarfed by electricity pylons ten times their size. Power consumption in New Zealand is also escalating and one solution is to exploit resources like coal to fuel the supply and satisfy the demand.

New Zealand’s economy also badly needs to earn foreign currency to balance our appetite for imported goods, our people need jobs and resource extraction and sale provides for them…after all, how are we going to pay for more imports if we don’t sell what we have in exchange for such goods?

Reports of Japan, China and India stockpiling the coal they buy from us to satisfy future energy needs is interesting. The Japanese apparently store coal in the sea where is can later be recovered to fuel their industry. This begs the question, why not leave the coal where it is and sell it to overseas markets when they really need it…and are prepared to pay top dollar for it? The answer, I suspect, is that we are currently living beyond our means and our quantity of life exceeds our ability to sustainably meet our avarice, which means we have to generate more $pondoolie to pay for a perceived increase in living standard…plasma TVs, i-Phones, cars, boats etc.

For people like myself living in the region pegged for exploitation, we need to know that the mining of our region will return economic benefits to us and our families…we also need to know and confidently believe that the mining companies will not destroy the very landscape and environment we love and the very reason many of us have chosen to live here. We need to know that the mining companies will respect our environment, our communities, our people and that they will do what is necessary to mitigate environmental damage in the extraction process and restore the landscape, flora and fauna and the natural beauty of the plateau when they are done.

Sadly, there is quite a lot of evidence on the plateau today that earlier miners have not tidied up after themselves and the detritus of former mining operations litter the landscape…this is unacceptable in this day and age, how can we be sure that Solid Energy, Bathurst et al will not leave the countryside in disarray once they have collected their bounty and move on to the next natural resource conquest?

Refuse from earlier mining operations on Denniston Plateau rusts away…how can we be sure the current generation of miners will not leave the landscape similarly trashed?

Environmental considerations are paramount in mining companies strategies these days. To minimise the impact of their activities on the environment and repair any damage to the best of their ability is a necessary and responsible approach to resource extraction and must be factored into mining operational budgets. But the fact remains that in order to uncover the riches beneath the Denniston Plateau, much damage to the landscape is necessary.

Current Mining Operation in Denniston….to uncover the coal, forests must fall.

Coal Truck returns to collect another load of “black gold.”

To market, to market…Denniston Coal on the way to China/India/Japan

Economic progress is essential for our local economy, coal mining will bring much needed revenue into our region, but at what cost? The exploitation of one resource will cost us another…the expansive beauty of the Denniston Plateau is at risk…unless the mining companies take full responsibility for restoring the land once they have extracted the coal..and they must satisfy concerned local residents that this will be the case…local evidence suggests the remnants of mining operations will remain for centuries, but we need to take a long view on the restoration process.

Nature will eventually overcome all challenges to its beauty, but the mining companies have a duty of care to ensure that everything is done to minimise the environmental impact of their activities and ensure that, once they’re done, the plateau can return to its former glory as quickly and effectively as possible. The mining companies should also ensure that the economic benefits resultant from the extraction of a local natural resource will flow on to the community and the people living here.

The Buller District Council and West Coast Regional Council also have a duty of care to their ratepayers to ensure that a good portion of the great wealth contained in our mountain tops remains in our region and that multi-national companies and their shareholders do not fleece us of what is rightfully ours. A balance of social, economic and environmental considerations must be found and, while this may be a somewhat tricky task, every effort must be made to ensure that the extraction of mineral wealth from our region doesn’t leave us with little more than a large hole in the ground.

Current and future generations should benefit from the economic gain coal mining will undoubtedly bring to the region and the infrastructure development that will result from the influx of $$$, but they should also be able to wander around high on the Denniston Plateau as I did on a sunny day in May with my mate Dave and enjoy the expanse and wonder of  this unique and special place.

Denniston Plateau: Wondrous!

Dave High on Denniston Plateau…Having an excellent day…

Posted in Coal, Department of Conservation, Environment, Kahurangi National Park, Karamea, Mining, West Coast | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Busy Day for Old Rope-a-Dope Ratzinger!

Pope Bodyguard
Pope Soccer Player
The Irish Pope
Money Falling from Sky on Pope
Pope Benedict at the Beach
Space Pope
Pope Elmo
FREEFALL POPE
Pope Big Eyes
Jihad Pope
Pope Evil
Pope Egg
https://i0.wp.com/www.gilwilson.com/blog/image001.jpg
https://i0.wp.com/www.freakingnews.com/pictures/53500/Pope-Mugshot--53753.jpg
Pope Yoda
https://i0.wp.com/www.politician-pictures.com/pope-george-bush.jpg
https://i0.wp.com/brainflower.com/gra/pope-condom-500.jpg
Pope Benedict XVI
Pope Style
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Another Particularly Busy Day for Jesus

 

lol jesus

lol jesus

lol jesus

lol jesus

lol jesus

lol jesus

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Organic vs Corporate Agriculture

Time to Stop Worrying and Learn to Love Industrial Agriculture?

—By Tom Philpot

At a grain elevator in Illinois, corn is loaded into trucks, on the way to being turned into meat, ethanol, or corn syrup. Pete Zaria/Flickr

Like a good buffet, Nature‘s recent meta-analysis comparing the productivity of industrial and organic agriculture offered something for every taste.

For enthusiasts of large-scale, chemical-intensive agriculture, there was this headline finding: Yields on organic farming—the amount of crop produced per acre—are on average 25 percent lower than those of industrial farming.

And for biodiversity fans like me, the study had a caveat: Most of organic’s so-called yield penalty lies in grain crops like wheat; for fruit and some vegetables, organic ag is nearly (but not quite) as productive as its chemical-laced counterpart.

It was interesting to see how the story played around the web. Time‘s Bryan Walsh, who has been a critic of Big Food in the past, saw the study as the occasion to stop worrying and learn to love industrial agriculture—or at least marvel at its efficiency. “Whole Food Blues: Why Organic Agriculture May Not Be So Sustainable,” declared Walsh’s headline. “Conventional farming gets more and more crop per sq. foot of cultivated land—over 170 bushels of corn per acre in Iowa, for example—which can mean less territory needs to be converted from wilderness to farmland,” he wrote. (Parke Wilde of Food Policy has a good rejoinder to Walsh.)

Meanwhile, according to veteran New York Times climate reporter Andy Revkin, the Naturestudy actually makes a strong case for it. The paper points to a “hybrid path in agriculture,” Revkin wrote, one “incorporating both industrial-style production and organic practices where they make sense.” Given how relatively little land is devoted to organic ag both globally and here in the United States, Revkin’s reading would mean significantly expanding organic ag.

What do I take away from the Nature paper? I think it’s too narrow in scope to offer many insights at all.

First of all, it’s important to understand what the researchers did. They rounded up all the rigorously documented studies, both domestic and global, they could find that compared organic yields and conventional yields (66 studies met their criteria) and averaged them out. The only focus was gross output per acre—no consideration of, say, ecological trouble likethe plight of honeybees and other pollinators in a sea of pesticide-laced crops, or resources consumed, like synthetic nitrogen fertilizer, which is made with natural gas. So, despite what Walsh wrote, the study didn’t really tell us much about the relative efficiency of the systems beyond output per chunk of land. Viewed through the study’s yield-per-acre lens, industrial agriculture looks hyperefficient, and organic like a laggard.

And indeed, big farms in Iowa—the example Time‘s Walsh pointed to—do produce mountains of corn per acre. But dig a little deeper, and the picture muddies. The authors note that conventional ag produces high yields through abundant use of synthetic nitrogen fertilizer. But they don’t account for the fact that nitrogen runoff from farms generate also contributes to a massive annual dead zone that snuffs out a swath of what should be a highly productive fishery in the Gulf of Mexico. Such externalities, as economists call them, are not accounted for in the study.

Moreover, the study’s fixation on yield puts a shiny gloss on a system that actually wastes huge amounts of resources. Let’s take corn again. According to the National Corn Growers Association (NCGA), more than a quarter of US farmland, around 90 million acres, is typically planted in corn, more than any other crop. US corn agriculture is indeed productive—our farmers churn out about 40 percent of the globe’s entire corn crop each year. If the aim was to use those calories efficiently, we’d focus on consuming them directly—in, say, the form of corn bread, polenta, tortillas, or cereal.

How much do we consume directly of this bountiful crop? According to NCGA’s figures from 2010, less than 2 percent. More than 40 percent of it goes into the mouths of animals we then consume, in the process squandering huge amounts of resources. According to Earth Policy Institute, it takes seven pounds of grain to produce a pound of beef—the rest is lost to the huge parts of the carcass we don’t consume. Pork and chicken are more efficient, but it still requires four pounds and two pounds, respectively, of grain to produce a pound of their meat.

Another third of the corn crop or so goes to ethanol, bypassing our stomachs and gushing into our gas tanks instead (and delivering little or no net energy in the process). Nearly 20 percent is exported to other countries, mainly as livestock feed. The rest goes into products like high-fructose corn syrup and other sweeteners—leaving, again, just 2 percent for direct consumption.

Keep in mind, as you ponder the frivolous uses to which we put our biggest crop, that US corn is a massive user of agrichemicals. Using gross yield as a lens to judge the efficiency of our corn crop is like gauging the health of a steroid-addled bodybuilder by measuring his biceps.

Moreover, by focusing on yield, the authors presume that maximizing production should be the chief goal for ag policymakers. But as the eminent agriculture development expert Hans Herren, president of the Millennium Institute, told me, the globe’s farms are already producing 4,600 calories per day—enough in gross terms to support a population twice as large as the current one.

“We don’t need to grow more food, we need to shift what we grow, where we grow it, and who grows it,” Herren told me. He said that in places like Africa, East Asia, and South America, crop yields could be doubled “almost overnight” if farmers had the training and infrastructure to proper organic and/or low-input farming. Their crops yields might still lag behind, say, those of industrial-scale corn farmers in Iowa. “But they wouldn’t need all of those inputs [like fertilizer and pesticides], and they’d produce more than enough food,” he said. As for the United States and Europe, “they would do well to grow less food and focus more on things like improving quality and building soil.”

And even in terms of gross yield per acre, the Nature study might be misleading. Matthew Dilllon of Seed Matters, an expert on organic seeds, reminded me that seeds play a huge role in determining yields. Conventional farmers use seed varieties that are well adapted to great lashings of synthetic fertilizers, pesticides, and irrigation water, bolstered by decades and billions of dollars in research, much of it publicly funded. The availability and quality of seeds bred for organic farming is improving, but organic seed research remains in its infancy. “Most organic farmers are [still] using seed bred for conventional systems, or seed that has not been improved at all,” Dillon wrote.

Dillon pointed me to research from a team at Washington State University looking at the yield effect of using seeds adapted to organic agriculture. The study authors looked at wheat—a crop that the Nature paper identified as one that badly lags in yield for organic producers. They found organically managed fields planted with adapted seeds delivered yields as high as 31 percent over similar fields planted in unadapted seeds. Their conclusion:

With crop cultivars bred in and adapted to the unique conditions inherent in organic systems, organic agriculture will be better able to realize its full potential as a high-yielding alternative to conventional agriculture.

This raises a key issue: the paucity of funds we invest in organic research. According to thelatest numbers I’ve seen, 4 percent of the food consumed in the United States—and 11 percent of the fruits and vegetables—is organic. How much of the USDA’s research budget is devoted to organic research, including projects like developing proper organic seed lines? Less than 1 percent, the National Sustainable Agriculture Coalition Ferd Hoefner recently told me. The other 99 percent goes to industrial ag—yet another de facto public subsidy to the agrichemical industry.

I fear that a lot of policy makers and pundits will glance at the Nature study and conclude that at least the agricultural part of our food system isn’t broken and doesn’t need fixing. They’re wrong.

(From Mother Jones)
 

The Rongolian Star Issue No. 17 April 2012

The Rongolian Star Issue No. 17 April 2012

The Rongolian Star

Issue No. 17 April 2012
Published by Royal Decree since 1878
Rongo Backpackers, Waverley Street,
Karamea, Buller, South Island, New Zealand
Telephone    00 64 3 7826 667
Internet  www.rongobackpackers.com
LivinginPeace Project: http://www.livinginpeace.com
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Naughty and Banned Ads from Around the World

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Karamea Ministry of Red Tape # 9

A New Zealand Government Department Authorised by a Covertly Ambiguous and Deliberately Rhetorical Act of Parliament Compounded by a Subtly Implied Royal Consent to Receive Official Complaints. 
 

Karamea Ministry of Red Tape: Staff

Office Manager:  Red Scarlett

Senior Complaints Officer:  Rasta Reuben Jafa

Manager’s Secretary:  Kazinka

 

Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Offices, Market Cross
Monday April 20th April 2012

Celia

Celia:   Toodle ooh!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:  Can I help you madam?

Celia: Yes!! I have just completed my grocery shopping and I am so outraged I wish to let the world know how angry I am!!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:  You wish to record a complaint???

Celia:   Yes of course!!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:    An official complaint???

Rasta Reuben Jafa

Celia:   Extraordinary!!!You distinguish between complaints and official complaints??

Rasta Reuben Jafa:  Yes of course. A simple complaint can be extinguished by the simple exercising of your uvula. An official complaint requires justification, information, administration, notification, and rectification!

Celia:   Sounds expensive!!

Reuban Jafa:  Indeed!! Now please avail me of the nature of your complaint. Miss ……Miss?????

Celia:   Fatbottom!!!  Countess Celia Malleable Fatbottom the Third!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:   Wow! You are a countess!!!

Celia:   From the House of Winza!!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:  Now, what is so outrageous about your complaint that the Minister of Red Tape needs to be informed???

Celia:   Look in deep my shopping basket of goodies!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:   Mmmm!!!

Celia:   Not my cleavage you scoundrel!!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:   Oh, but so hypnotic!!!

Celia:   Look at this can of baked beans!!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:   Yes??

Celia:   Baked Beans my big toe! These beans were boiled then canned!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:    Red Alert!!!  What a revelation. You are indeed correct!

Celia:   And this!!

Rasta Reuban Jafa:   A can of pink frosted whipped cream!!

Celia:  Yes! For my pussy!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:  (cough cough)  Of course!! And??

Celia:   Read the label Ein Stein!  Contains artificial sweetener B52!!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:    Mmmm!  My favourite!!

Celia:    To add insult to injury, this can of cat food shows an airbrushed photo of an innocent fluffy white lamb with cutesy wootsey pink eyes looking towards Mecca!!!!!!

innocent fluffy white lamb

Rasta Reuben Jafa:   Mmmm! Obviously …???

Celia:    Obviously butchered Halal!!!! I am a Christian and now I could not possibly eat this for breakfast!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:   Scandalous!!  I need to make an official notation for our records!!

Celia:    Now look at this purchase!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:   A bulk party pack of edible birthday balloons!!!

Celia:   How foolish are the blind, for they will not see! No, these are prophylactics!!! They are for my pussy!!

Celia’s Pussy

Rasta Reuben Jafa:   Pink frosted whipped cream and edible condominiums!!  Interesting!! By the way, I am free for dinner tonight!!

Celia:  Oh no! Ferdinand detests strangers!!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:   Ferdinand???

Celia:  Why yes!! My pussycat!!

Ferdinand

Rasta Reuben Jafa:   Of course!!  Silly me!!!

Celia:  Now look at this purchase rather closely young man!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:   Problem?? The prophylactics are preowned??? inedible???

Celia:   You are such a fool!! Now read the label. “Flavours contain artificial sweetener B52!!”

RRJ:    Yowser! You have uncovered a highly dangerous multinational conspiracy!!

Celia:   Bullseye!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:     Mmmm! What exotic flavours for condominiums!!  Catmint, pickled herring and rhubarb!! Such felicitous felines!!

Celia:  What is the fee for my Official Complaint??

Rasta Reuben Jafa:  I will consult The Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Complaints Manual. Mmmm!  Here we go!!  Official Comp F111. “ Senile old trout with no teeth and excessive nasal hair makes frivolous complaint about artificial sweetener B52 contained  in edible prophylactics and can of pink frosted whipped cream!” $5,000!!

Celia:  Oooh! I forgot to shave my nose this morning!!

Rasta Reuban Jafa:  Silly question Mistress Fatbottom! Why XXXL edible condominiums for your pussycat!

Celia:  Oh! Ferdie is hung like a horse! As a responsible pet owner I do not  want Ferdie populating the neighbourhood with unwanted kittens!

Rasta Reuban Jafa:  And ..  um … the whipped cream!!??

Celia:   For my pussy!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:   (cough cough) I prefer not to be indelicate, but perchance there is some ambiguity in that statement!!??

Celia:   Not at all!  Ferdinand is addicted to whipped cream lattes!

Rasta Reuban Jafa:   Oh how caring and loving you are to such a deserving creature!

(Bolshoe krasny kapusta – Bid red cabbage!!!)

Celia:    B52 has been banned by the United Nations Scientific Research Division as being hallucinogenic!!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa   :   Really!!  G..a…l…o..o…s…h!!!

Celia:     Aaaaghh! You’ve eaten the evidence!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:   Whoa!!!!! What a trip!!!

Celia:   You cretin!!Hand me back that whipped cream before I call the authorities!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:  Barf!!!!!!!

Celia:   Aaagghhhh!!!!!!!!!

Red Scarlett:   Mother!!!!!! Your disguise as an escaped Nazi fugitive doesn’t fool me for minute!! That Adolf moustache is so passe!!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:    Your mother!!!!

Red Scarlett: How did you manage to escape from the Devil’s Island Retirement Home for Serial Masticators!! I requested electrified razor wire, dobermans and 24 hour armed guards!!

Celia aka Rouge Scarlett:   I know all about the scams you pull here at this fake Government Department!  I am going to tell the PM!!

KABOOM!!!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:   You just shot your mother in cold blood!!

Red Scarlett:  Oh bother! I’m such a klutz!!  I could have sworn the safety catch was on!!

Rasta Reuben Jafa:   I am shocked at your reckless disregard for human life!!

Red Scarlett:   Do you wish to make a complaint?

Rasta Reuben Jafa:   Well  ..  um…   ah….. yes!!!

Red Scarlett:  An official complaint???

Rasta Reuben Jafa:   Well …um… ah… yes!!

KABOOM!!!

Red Scarlett:  Unbelievable! I’m returning this Colt 45 to the Supermarket. Why doesn’t it come with a silencer!!

***Beep, Beep***

Kazinka

Kazinka:    Da Bossski!!

Red Scarlett:  I have a secret mission for you. You will need to disguise yourself as a sanitation officer!!

Kazinka:   Will I need detergent??

Red Scarlett:    No just two body bags and a strong stomach!!

Kazinka:   Aaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhh!!!!  Aaaaaaggghhhhhh!!!!

Red Scarlett:   What ever is the matter!!??

Kazinka:   A can of Fellini’s erotic pink frosted whipped cream!!!!

Red Scarlett:    Yes??

Kazinka:  I am having tea with the Vicar on Saturday afternoon and
I ………..

Red Scarlett:  Do tell! Not Vicar Lothario???

Vicar Lothario

Kazinka:      Romeo, Romeo where for art thou Romeo!!

Red Scarlett:    Kazinka! Please be discreet! The Karamea Ministry of Red Tape has standards of decorum to maintain!

Kazinka:   Cough cough!!

Red Scarlett:   What now??

Kazinka:    Could I possibly have the prophylactic devices as well!!

Red Scarlett:   Right! Three “Hail Bloody Marys” and no pork sausage on Friday!!!

Kazinka:    Starushka!! It’s a deal!!

Red Scarlett

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Kiwi Champ Sends German Hippy Home a Loser

SJELAGJ Restores Rongolian Chess Honour

By Paul Murray

April 19, 2012

Rongo Chess Pavillion, Karamea, New Zealand: In an atmosphere palpable with excitement, expectation, anticipation and a tinge of fear, the crowd at Rongo Backpackers & Gallery in Karamea were treated to an epic chess battle between titleholder Andreas “Andi” Diller from Germany and local boy Samson Jesus Elijah Lewis Arthur Gordon Jackson, who was desperate to reclaim the Chess Champ title he lost to Diller earlier this year.

The Home of Chess: Rongo Backpackers & Gallery: http://www.rongobackpackers.com

Both contenders opened timidly sniffing each other out and nervously testing the respective form and ploy of their opponent across the chequerboard. Jackson appeared particularly stressed as the weight of Rongolian expectation, the goal of restoring personal pride by reclaiming the title he lost to Diller in February 2012 marked his face with deep lines. Beads of perspiration dotted his forehead on a mild Autumn evening in the Democratic Freedom of Rongolia as he approached the game with and fierce determination and intense concentration.

Andreas "Andi" Diller (left) and Samson Jesus Elijah Lewis Arthur Gordon Jackson vie for chess glory at the Rongo Chess Pavilion at Rongo Backpackers & Gallery in Karamea, New Zealand.

Conversely, Diller was relaxed, convivial and calmly focussed as he joked with the crowd and openly taunted his opponent with the confidence of a Champion who has nothing to prove. Diller worked the room and was clearly the crowd favourite, whereas Jackson was all business, stoic, humourless and Russian-like in his approach to the game.

Mr Cool Andi Diller and Mr Ice Jackson Square off in the Rongo Chess Pavilion for the Rongo Chess Champion Title Match on Thursday April 19, 2012.

In Game One of the best of three, Jackson sought first blood and opened quickly and had a check manoeuvre on his opponent in three moves, Diller managed to avoid trouble and both players then settled into defensive mode with a slow, deliberate approach to the game. Almost an hour in, the board was still evenly arranged and the game was anyone’s for the taking, however, Diller steadily cornered Jackson and eventually forced him into retirement…Game One: Diller.

Game Two saw Jackson come our fighting, he was straight into an aggressive attack on Diller’s positions…Diller maintained a defensive stance that was eventually overcome by the relentless attack from the Kiwi challenger Jackson, who claimed Game Two in quick time.

Jackson began to win the crowd over to his side. A visiting Australian began plying Diller with fine single malt Scotch whiskey and urging him to remove his hat to show everyone his dreadlocked hair…Diller eventually complied and on removing his hat, the magic of his game seemed to evaporate…Jackson gained the ascendancy of the battle at that point and went into overdrive.

Hatless, Diller seemed to lose his power

Jackson Gains Upper Hand as Hatless Diller Succumbs to Crowd Pressure and Booze.

Game Two Jackson: Kiwi Challenger Jackson levels the contest one all and affords himself a smile, the first of the competition for the stoic former champion.

Jackson continued on his winning way, quickly wraping up the third and deciding game to reclaim the title from his worthy opponent Diller, who will return to Germany a loser, but with the knowledge that he was once, albeit briefly, the Chess Champion of Rongolia.

The Russian-like Jackson was last seen in a state of drunken undress, upside down in a gutter, covered in his own excrement and vomit howling at the moon as he celebrated his win in the unique way fans all over the world have come to expect of him. Diller is on his way home to Germany, defeated but with the respect of the people of Rongolia…well done and thanks Andreas, you are not the champion, but you are a champion.

Samson Jesus Elijah Lewis Arthur Gordon Jackson reclaims Rongolian Chess Championship.

Jackson Begins a Long Night of Celebration Russian Style

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