
Aqua Man takes the ascendency in the rivalry between he and Arch nemesis Cock Man.
Hey Ladies, it’s Garfunkle again, anyone out there in cyberspace looking for some good hot lovin’? I’ve so much time on my hands and my hands are getting tired. Is there just one good lady out there who would come and share my days and fill my nights, my dreams, my fantasies, obsessions, weaknesses, compulsions and fetishes?
I’m a 40-something virgin with a penchant for Jesus. I haven’t done much in my life, I have little real-world experience, but I have a fertile imagination, do what I’m told and I’m a fast learner. I’m looking for a stern, domineering woman to take charge and tell me what to do. If you have what it takes to make a grown man cry and beg for mercy, call me now, or whenever is convenient for you, 7826XXX, if I’m out, please leave a message with mum and I’ll call you back. I’ve been waiting over 40 years to meat you…please call…I’m rather desperate, so even if you are overweight, hairy, missing a limb, bald, ugly, old or atheist…please call.
Or, if any of the following ladies read my message, you could also call…if you have time…
***Disclaimer: The Rongolian Lonely Hearts Club is a comedic parody, any resemblance to real persons living or dead is unintentional and purely coincidental.***



























Charles Bukowski actually wrote this article on The Rolling Stones for Creem magazine in October 1975. It’s hard to think of Hank attending a Stones concert when he was a lifelong classical music connoisseur…
They opened on the 9th at the Forum and I went to the track the same day. The track is right across from the Forum and I looked over as I drove in and thought, well, that’s where it’s going to be. Last time I had seen them was at the Santa Monica Civic. It was hot at the track and everybody was sweating and losing. I was hungover but got off well. A track is some place to go so you won’t stare at the walls and whack-off, or swallow ant poison. You walk around and bet and wait and look at the people and when you look at the people long enough you begin to realize that it’s bad because they are everywhere, but it’s bearable because you adjust somewhat, feeling more like another piece of meat in the tide than if you had stayed home and read Ezra, or Tom Wolfe or the financial section.
The tracks aren’t what they used to be: full of hollering drunks and cigar smokers, and girls sitting at the side Benches and showing leg all the way up to the panties. I think times are much harder than the government tells us. The government owes their balls to the banks and the banks have over-lent to businessmen who can’t pay it back because the people can’t buy what business sells because an egg costs a dollar and they’ve only got 50 cents. The whole thing can go overnight and you’ll find red flags in the smokestacks and Mao t-shirts walking through Disneyland, or maybe Christ will come back wheeling a golden bike, front wheel 12-to-one ratio to rear. Anyhow, the people are desperate at the track; it has become the job, the survival, the cross…instead of the lucky lark. And unless you know exactly what you’re doing at a racetrack, how to read and play a toteboard, re-evaluate the trackman’s morning line and eliminate the sucker money from the good money, you aren’t going to win, you aren’t going to win but one time in ten trips to the track. People on their last funds, on their last unemployment check, on borrowed money, stolen money, desperate stinking diminishing money are getting dismantled forever out there, whole lifetimes pissed away, but the, state gets an almost 7 percent tax cut on each dollar, so it’s legal. I am better than most out there because I have put more study into it. The racetrack to me is like the bullfights were to Hemingway – a place to study death and motion and your own character or lack of it. By the 9th race I was $50 ahead, put $40 to win on my horse and walked to the parking lot. Driving in I heard the result of the last race on the radio – my horse had come in 2nd.
I got on in, took a hot bath, had a joint, had 2 joints (bombers), drank some white wine, Blue Nun, had 7 or 8 bottles of Heineken and wondered about the best way to approach a subject that was holy to a lot of people, the still young people anyhow. I liked the rock beat; I still liked sex; I liked the raising high roll and roar and reach of rock, yet I got a lot more out of Bee, and Mahler and Ives. What rock lacked was the total layers of melody and chance that just didn’t have to chase itself after it began, like a dog trying to bite his ass off because he’d eaten hot peppers. Well, I’d try. I finished off the Blue Nun, dressed, had another joint and drove back on out. I was going to be late.
S.O. And the parking lot was full. I circled around and found the closest street to park in – at least a half mile away.
I got out and began to walk. Manchester. The street was full of private residents behind iron bars with guards. And funeral homes. Others were walking in. But not too many. It was late. I walked along thinking, shit, it’s too far, I ought to turn back. But I kept walking. About halfway down Manchester (on the south side) I found a golf course that had a bar and I walked in. There were tables. And golfers, satisfied golfers drinking slowly. There was a daylight golf course but these kitties had been shooting for distance on the straight range under the electric lights. Through the glass back of the bar you could still see a few others out there Jerking off golfballs under the moon. I had a girl with me. She ordered a bloody mary and I ordered a screwdriver. When my belly’s going bad vodka soothes me and my belly’s always going bad. The waitress asked the girl for her I.D. She was 24 and it pleased her. The bartender had a cheating, chalky dumb face and poured 2 thin drinks. Still it was cool and gentle in there.
“Look,” I said, “why don’t we just stay in here and get drunk? Fuck the STONES. I mean, I can make up some kind of story: went to see the STONES, got drunk in a golfcourse bar, pewked, broke a table…knitted a palm tree towel, caught cancer. Whatcha think?”
“Sounds all right.”
When women agree with me I always do the other thing. I paid up and we left. It was still quite a walk. Then we were angling across the parking lot. Security cars drove up and down. Kids leaned against cars smoking joints and drinking cheap wine. Beer cans were about. Some whiskey bottles. The younger generation was no longer pro-dope and anti-alcohol – they had caught up with me: they used it all. When 27 nations would soon know how to use the hydrogen bomb it hardly made sense to preserve your health. The girl and I, our tickets were for seats that were separated. I got her pointed in the direction of her seat and then walked over to the bar. Prices were reasonable. I had two fast drinks, got my ticket stub out, put it in my hand and walked toward the noise. A large chap drunk on cheap wine ran toward me telling me that his wallet had been stolen. I lifted my elbow gently into his gut and he bent over and began to vomit.
I tried to find my section and my aisle. It was dark and light and blaring. The usher screamed something about where my seat was but I couldn’t hear and waved him off. I sat down on the steps and lit a cigarette. Mick was down there in some kind of pajamas with little strings tied around his ankles. Ron Wood was the rhythm guitarist replacing Mick Taylor; Billy Preston was really shooting-off at the keyboard; Keith Richards was on lead guitar and he and Ron were doing some sub-glancing lilting highs against each other’s edges but Keith held a firmer more natural ground, albeit an easy one which allowed Ron to come in and play back against shots and lobs at his will. Charlie Watts on tempo seemed to have joy but his center was off to the left and falling down. Bill Wyman on bass was the total professional holding it all together over the bloody Thames-Forum.
The piece ended and the usher told me that I was over on the other side, on the other side of row N. Another number began. I walked up and around. Every seat was taken. I sat down next to row N and watched the Mick work. I sensed a gentility and grace and desperateness in him, and still some of the power: I shall lead you children the shit out of here.
Then a female with big legs came down and brushed her hip against my head. An usher. Grotch, grotch, double luck. I showed her my stub. She moved out the kid on the end seat. I felt guilty and sat down on it. A huge balloon cock rose from the center of the stage, it must have been 70 feet high. The rock rocked, the cock rocked.
This generation loves cocks. The next generation we’re going to see huge pussies, guys jumping into them like swimming pools and coming out all red and blue and white and gold and gleaming about 6 miles north of Redondo Beach.
Anyhow, Mick grabbed this cock at the bottom (and the screams really upped) and then Mick began to bend that big cock toward the stage, and then he crawled along it (living that time) and he kept moving toward the head, and then he kept getting nearer and then he grabbed the head.
The response was symphonic and beyond.
The next bit began. The guy next to me started again. This guy rocked and bobbed and rocked and rolled and flickered and rotor-rooted and boggled no matter what was or wasn’t. He knew and loved his music. An insect of the inner-beat. Each hit with him was the big hit. Selectivity was Non-comp with him. I always drew one of these.
I went to the bar for another drink and after getting this kid out of my $12.50 seat again, there was Mick, he’d put his foot in a stirrup and now he was holding to a rope and he was way out and swinging back and forth over the heads of his audience, and he didn’t look too steady up there waving back and forth, I didn’t know what he was on, but for the sake of his bi-sexual ass and the heads he was going to fall upon I was glad when they reeled him back in.
Mick wore down after that, decided to change pajamas and sent out Billy Preston who tried to cheese and steal the game from the Jag and almost did, he was fresh and full of armpit and job and jog, he wanted to bury and replace the hero, he was nice, he did an Irish jig painted over in black, I even liked him, but you knew he didn’t have the final send-off, and you must have guessed that Mick knew it too as he buried wet ice under his armpits and ass and mind backstage. Mick came out and finished with Preston. They almost kissed, wiggling assholes. Somebody threw a brace of firecrackers into the crowd. They exploded just properly. One guy was blinded for life; one girl would have a cataract over the left eye forever; one guy would never hear out of one ear. 0.K., that’s circus, it’s cleaner than Vietnam.
Bouquets fly. One hits Mick in the face. Mick tries to stamp out a big ball balloon that lands on stage. He can’t push his foot through it. One saddens. Mick runs over, jumps up, kicks one of his fiddlers in the ass. The fiddler smokes a smile back, gently, full of knowledge: like, the pay is good.
The stage weighs 40 elephants and is shaped like a star. Mick gets out on the edge of the star; he gets each bit of audience alone, that section alone, and then he takes the mike away from his face and he forms his lips into the silent sound: FUCK YOU. They respond.
The edge of the star rises, Mick loses his balance, rolls down to stage center, losing his mike.
There’s more. I get the taste for the ending. Will it be “Sympathy for the Devil”? Will it be like at the Santa Monica Civic? Bodies pressing down the aisles and the young football players beating the shit out of the rock-tasters? To keep the sanctuary and the body and the soul of the Mick intact? I got trapped down there among ankles and cunt hairs and milk bodies and cotton-candy minds. I didn’t want more of that. I got out. I got out when all the lights went on and the holy scene was about to begin and we were to love each other and the music and the Jag and the rock and the knowledge.
I left early. Outside they seemed bored. There were any number of titless blonde young girls in t-shirts and jeans. Their men were nowhere. They sat upon the ends of bumpers, most of the bumpers attached to campers. The titless young blonde things in t-shirts and jeans. They were listless, stoned, unexcited but not vicious. Little tight-butted girls with pussies and loves and flows.
So I walked on down to the car. The girl was in the back seat asleep. I got in and drove off. She awakened. I was going to have to send her back to New York City. We weren’t making it. She sat up.
“I left early. That shit is finally deadening,” she said.
“Well, the tickets were free.”
“You going to write about it?”
“I don’t know. I can’t get any reaction, I can’t get any reaction at all.”
“Let’s get something to eat,” she said.
“Yeah, well, we can do that.”
I drove north on Crenshaw looking for a nice place where you could get a drink and where there wasn’t any music of any kind. It was 0.K. if the waitress was crazy as long as she didn’t whistle.
Charles Bukowski

Team Unicycle: L-R: Ken Looi, John Bradley, Bryan Page, Rachel Shaw and Sean Bennett Prepare for the Heaphy at Rongo Backpackers & Gallery in Karamea.
On a sunny May morning in Karamea, five unicyclists from Australia and New Zealand prepared for a world-first adventure…to traverse the Heaphy Track on unicycles. It is believed to be the first-ever unicycle team to attempt the riding of the Heaphy Track, one of New Zealand’s nine “Great Walks” and the only “Great Ride.”
The riders stayed at Rongo Backpackers & Gallery in Karamea to prepare for the ride. Preparation involved a large meal at the Karamea Village Hotel, some light refreshments, a Czech movie at the hostel, a good night’s sleep and a hearty breakfast before taking the Karamea Connections van to the Kohaihai Shelter to begin the Heaphy ride.
The unicyclists plan to ride through to Saxon Hut in one day, which is about 48.5 kilometers begins with a steady ride along the Tasman Coast, but includes a large hill climb up to around 800 metres…no doubt the riders will be glad to see the Saxon Hut this evening.
The unicyclists came together through Ken Looi’s adventure travel company, “Adventure Unicyclist” and plan to complete the ride through the Heaphy in two days. They will be met by a TVNZ film crew at the Collingwood end of the track and interviewed about their experience.
The Heaphy Track is open to mountain biking (and unicycling) from May 1 to September 30. Riders from all over the world are coming through the track and often say, “The Heaphy is then best ride I have ever done.”
The Heaphy Track, one of New Zealand’s “Great Walks” is now a Great Ride. Mountain Bikers will be permitted by the Department of Conservation to ride the Heaphy Track between May 1 and September 30 for a three-year trial beginning in 2011.
Great Walks/Rides are DOC’s premier tracks through some of the best scenery in New Zealand. The huts on the Great Walks/Rides are of higher standard that other tracks and most have gas cooking facilities, fresh water, bunk beds with mattresses, wood burners, toilets etc.
The Heaphy Track is the only multi-day ride through a National Park in New Zealand. The 80-kilometre course through the Kahurangi National Park traverses dense beech forests, expansive tussock plains and boulder outcrops of the Gouland Downs, takes in the limestone cliffs along the Heaphy River and through the nikau palm groves and white sandy beaches along the West Coast to Karamea.
Riders should be well prepared for inclement weather conditions as the region is known for sudden storms, associated floods, occasional snow falls and strong winds, as well as for sunshine, clear blue skies and warm, calm days. Please carry wet weather gear and warm clothing as well as sun protection, first-aid kits, plenty of water, food supplies as well as spare parts, puncture repair kits etc. Be prepared for all eventualities, as it is a long way from the middle of the track if help is required and it is important that riders take responsibility for their own safety and wellbeing.
Riders can travel the track in either direction, but most are planning to start in Collingwood and finish in Karamea where a friendly bus driver will meet them at the Kohaihai Shelter at the end of the track and deliver them to cold beer, hot showers, great food and comfortable beds at the many accommodation, entertainment, food and beverage services in Karamea.
Mountain Bikers can also do day or multi-day rides into the Kahurangi National Park from either end of the track. The Karamea end of the track is particularly spectacular and riders can spend a couple of nights on the track in either the Heaphy, Lewis or MacKay huts and cycle out again.
Hut bookings are essential and can be made at Information Centres, i-Sites or online through the Department of Conservation.
Online: www.doc.govt.nz
Phone: 03-546-8210
E-mail: greatwalksbooking@doc.govt.nz
Most of it steadily uphill through beech forest. The Aorere Shelter is about halfway and a short detour to check out Flanagan’s Corner, the highest point on the track is worthwhile for the stunning view.
At Perry Saddle there is a popular bathing pool in nearby Gorge Creek and many people climb to the top of Mt Perry as part of their Heaphy Track experience.
The historic Gouland Downs Hut is about halfway and provides a good spot for a lunch break or to shelter in case of bad weather. (The Gouland Downs Hut has an excellent fireplace, but does not have gas-cooking facilities). Near the Gouland Downs Hut, a grove of beech trees adorns a limestone outcrop that contains several caves and arches, which are well worth exploring.
The Saxon Hut is the newest hut on the Heaphy Track and is named after John Saxon, who surveyed the track in 1886.
Mostly flat riding through stunning tussock, beech forests, creeks, rivers, rock outcrops and you’ll cross the demarcation line between the Tasman (Nelson) and the Buller (West Coast) districts. The view from MacKay Hut is spectacular; you’ll be able to see the Tasman Sea and the Heaphy River mouth on a clear day.
A stunning 8-km flat ride along the Heaphy River. You’ll encounter several large swing bridges and it is recommended that riders walk their bikes across the bridges. Flip your bike up onto the back wheel at about 45°, grip the stem with one hand and the top wire of the swing bridge with the other and walk your steed across the river. Several massive rata trees grace the track along the way. The Heaphy River meets the Tasman Sea here creating a turbulent clash of sea and fresh water.
Mostly flat riding through nikau palm groves beside the beautiful white sand beaches of the West Coast and the roaring Tasman Sea. The Katipo Shelter is about halfway and there are also campgrounds at Scott’s Beach and Kohaihai.
Mostly sealed flat road through farmland.
Office Manager: Red Scarlett
Senior Complaints Office: Rubik Khan
Secretary: Ruby Monday
Office Mongoose: Bob!
Receptionist/Tea Bimbette/Cleaner /Accounts: Mrs Doyle
The Offices of The Karamea Ministry of Red Tape:
Market Cross, July 4th! Public Counter
Dan Quayle: Hi there! I am here to make a complaint about…..
Rubik Khan: An official complaint Mr. Vice President???
Daniel Quayle: Yes indeeedy!!
Rubik Khan: Red Scarlett, the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Office Manager is the only staff member authorised to process official complaints from VIP’s.
The Manager’s Office
Red Scarlett: Yawn!! Boring!! Mondays are so tedious!!
Rubik Khan: The Vice President of America, Mister Daniel Quayle is at the front counter!
Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Front Counter
Red Scarlett: Yawn!! We are greatly honoured to have the Vice President of America attend the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape. (Yeah right Tui!)
Dan Quayle: Your hospitality impresses me. God Bless America!
Red Scarlett: Yawn!! I hereby authorise myself to grant an intellectual behemoth such as yourself the Freedom of Karamea!
Dan Quayle: Why thank ye! Say is that security camera providing a live feed on satellite TV?
Red Scarlett: Yawn!! Well .. n…..n….ah..yes of course! Smile!!
Daniel Quayle: I just want to tell the good people of America….
Rubik Khan: Why? Are the bad people of America blind and deaf??
Daniel: No! Just stupid and illiterate.
Red Scarlett: Touche! Mr. Vice President Sir!
Dan: This moment of truth was brought to you by my campaign sponsor Twinkies Cereal.
Call 1 800 747 737 now and receive your free Twinky Bear!!
Red Scarlett: Mr. Quail, please describe to me the machinations of your complaint!
Mr. Vice President Sir: I don’t know how to spell your New Zealand Zezpree!
KABOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rubik Khan: Ohmigod! Mr. Quayle! I think you’re bleeding!
Red Scarlett: Yawn!! Um.. get… ah .. um… an aspirin!
Rubik Khan: You just mortally wounded Dan!
Red Scarlett: I’m having a bad-hair day alright! Now get me an aspirin!
Daniel Quayle: I n..e.e.d ..a…..d…da…d..oc..to..r!!
Office Mongoose: Fart!
Beep Beep
Ruby Monday: Yes Boss!
Red Scarlett: Is there any whisky left over from last night’s Kangaroo Court.
Ruby Monday: Just enough for Holy Communion after the rugger test on Saturday!
Red Scarlett: Say! What blood type are you?
Ruby Monday: Type AA. Why?
Red Scarlett: I’m feeling rather faint!
Daniel Quayle VP USA: I…….y……aahh…..
Rubik Khan: Z…..e…..s…..p…..r…..i……
Daniel Q: I …k..n.ew…. th.a..t!!
Secret Service Agent Malone: Red Scarlett???
Red Scarlett: Que?
Secret Service Agent Malone: Do you realise the extremely serious consequences for executing the Vice President of the United States of America??
Red Scarlett: Loss of my air points??
Secret Service Agent Malone: I arrest you in the Name of The Law!
Red Scarlett: I am The Law in the offices of The Karamea Ministry of Red Tape. This man is a wanted terrorist on The Red Tape Top 100!
Secret Service Agent Malone: Really? I’m sorry I didn’t know!
Secret Service Agent Phelps: Are we in trouble??
Red Scarlett: Let me consult the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Official Manual. Um..ah..Here we go Regulation 747/45. “To whit..blah blah blah… Vice President USA…blah blah blah…. Zespri…blah blah blah.. ..bullet lodged in right cranial vacuum… blah… blah….dying confession… blah.. blah ..blah…
Rubik Khan: Blah!!
Red Scarlett: I beg your pardon!
Rubik Khan: You missed a blah between cranial vacuum and dying confession!
Red Scarlett: True! We must follow strict procedure!!
Secret Service Agent Phelps: Do we need a lawyer??
Red Scarlett: We need to take this dying man’s last confession.
Rubik Khan: I’ll go and get Father Murphy!
Red Scarlett (whisper)… (Pat Murphy’s not a real father!!)
Rubik Khan: (whisper)….( yes he is, he’s got two sons and three daughters and his wife Rosa can make us some raspberry scones)
Father . I.. mean..ah … Pat Murphy: Well noooo! Aaagh! Confess young man and receive…..
Red Scarlett: (whisper)…..(Absolution!!)
Patrick Murphy’s Law: (whisper)…..( What the feck is that??)
Red Scarlett: (whisper)…( Didn’t you see The Exorcist??)
Father Murphy: Confess my son and receive Abso Lution!!!
Daniel Quayle: I… s.h..o..t JFK from the glassy troll!!
Mrs. Doyle: Mr. Vice President Sir???
Daniel: U..hhh …a..hhhh!
Mrs Doyle: Would you like a cup of tea!
Daniel Quayle, very soon to be ex Vice President of The United States of America: Aaaaghhh!
Mrs Doyle: Go on noo. Have a cup of tea!!
Daniel Quayle: No…one….ever…..
Rubik Khan: Silence!! This could be a revelation that could send Wall Street into free fall!
Father Murphy: Go on my son!
Daniel Quayle: No…one…. ever…..taught ..me….how….to…..inhale!!!
Mrs Doyle: Sugar, Mr. Quayle??
Daniel Quayle: P….o…t…..a…….t…….o?…..e?…..s????
Jesus Christ: Shalom
Secret Service Agent Malone: Scram you long haired hippy freak. There is important American Vice Presidential business going on here!!
Jesus Christ: I am the way and the truth!
Red Scarlett: Jesus! I read in the Bible that you raised Lazarus from the dead! Can you lay your healing hands on Mr. Quayle?
Jesus Christ: Your brother still breathes!!
KABOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jesus Christ: Bitch!! You shot me in the foot!
Red Scarlett: Oops!!
Rubik Khan: Wow! On your knees! A divine miracle from heaven!! Look at Mr. Quayle!! Hes…he’s..ah……dead!!
Red Scarlett: Jesus! Cometh the hour cometh the man!
Jesus Christ: Get lost! Why would I bring an idiot back from the dead!!
Mrs Doyle: Mr. Christ?? Would you like a cup of tea???