Complaints Department
A New Zealand Government Department Authorised by Statute and Royal Decree to Receive Official Complaints.
Office Manager: Red Scarlett
Red Scarlett
Senior Complaints Officer: Jed Hooligan
Jed Hooligan
Secretary: Cinnamon Voluptuous
Office Duck: Quacker
Friday 9 am Office of Karamea Ministry of Red Tape
THUMP!!! (Power fist thunder strike on front counter)
Jed Hooligan: Oh wow! You startled me!!
TITAN MCGURK!: Yeah. I wanna make a bloody complaint. My name is McGurk! Titan McGurk!
Jed Hooligan: An official complaint squire?
TITAN MCGURK: My Oath! An Official Bloody Complaint!
THUMP!!! (floor trembles, secretary’s bra strap miraculously snaps!)
Cinnamon Voluptuous: Can someone give me a hand?
Cinnamon Voluptuous
Quackers: Quaaaaack!!!!
Jed Hooligan: Can you please tell me about your complaint!
TITAN MCGURK: Yeah! I couldn’t get served a drink at The Last Resort!
Jed Hooligan: Pourquoi??
WHACK!!!!
Jed hooligan: Aaaghh my shnose!!!
TITAN MCGURK: Don’t get incontinental with me sport!!!!
Red Scarlett: Excuse me sir. I am Red Scarlett the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Office Manager. Perhaps I can help you!
Titan McGurk: Put it there mate!
TITAN MCGURK
VIKING/VISIGOTH POWER HANDSHAKE!
Red Scarlett: Nnngggg!! Ah… now.. ah…tell me about your complaint!
TITAN MCGURK: I work at the Stockton Mine and The Last Resort Bar Manager said “We don’t serve Miners!”
Red Scarlett: How old are you Mr. McGurkha?
TITAN MCGURK: MCGURK!!!!!! You Bloody Nong!!!
Red Scarlett: You are the rudest Miner I have ever met!!!
TITAN MCGURK!!!: I don’t work down the bloody mine!!! I am in Public Bloody Relations!!!
Red Scarlett: Admirably suited to such a position! And how old are you young man!
Titan McGurk: I am sixteen years old but I could pass for 17!
Red Scarlett: I think the Bra.. I mean Bar Manager meant Minors not Miners!
TITAN MCGURK: You will minus your left ear in a minute if you don’t take my complaint!
Red Scarlett: Ok You need to fill out this Karamea Ministry of Red Tape complaint form!
Titan McGurk: How much will it cost to make an official complaint!
Red Scarlett: Now let me look in the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Manual!
Mmmm! “Refused service of alcoholic beverage at House of Ill Repute namely The Last Resort trading as Karamea Resort Limited now in Receivership!!! Complaint 614/2
TITAN MCGURK!!! Who said Alcoholic! I wanted a glass of Albanian Yak Milk!!
Red Scarlett: Got it!! Complaint 614/2-25!! Mmm! Wait a minute! Did you want Southern or Northern Albanian yak milk?
Titan McGurk: Southern!
Red Scarlett: Homogenised?
Titan McGurk: YO!
Red Scarlett: Full cream or low-fat??
Titan McGurk: Full cream
Red Scarlett: Fresh or curdled??
TITAN MCGURK: Curdled!
Red Scarlett: Mmmm! Complicated!! According to Ministry of Agriculture and Fisheries legislation, it is illegal to import, sell, display, bathe in, order or drink Southern Albanian homogenised full cream curdled yak’s milk! You have incited a felony! I must call Sergeant Paddy Locks of the Karamea Police, The maximum penalty for this offence is left testicle castration!!
Titan McGurk: No!!! How do I escape from this!
Red Scarlett: There is a prescribed fee that will guarantee our silence!
TITAN MCGURK: Ok! How much?
Red Scarlett: We will take your girlfriend Zaboodla as a deposit for starters!
TITAN MCGURK: Ha you bloody mug! It’s a deal! She is a really cheap boring date! She only eats bubble gum, she can only speak text language and she is a virgin!! Yeah and she’ll need another brain transplant after the last episode of Sponge Bob Square Pants this arvo!!
Red Scarlett: A virgin! Excellent! She can work here as our Ethics Manager!
Jed Hooligan: (Whisper) But we don’t have any ethics! That is why we are so successful!
Red Scarlett: (Whisper) ETHICS Eelleagal Trickeree Haynus Imbezzlemint Chicanerous Subtarfuge!!
Jed Hooligan: What a maestro!!
Red Scarlett: Do you still wish to pursue your Official Complaint Mr. McGurk?
TITAN MCGURK: NO! BLOODY NO!
Red Scarlett: There is a prescribed cancellation fee! Mmmm! Twenty two thousand five hundred dollars!
Titan McGurk: Aaagghhh!!
Red Scarlett: I can give you a twenty percent discount if you agree to kick back the GST to our office social fund!
TITAN McGURK! : I’m caught between a sandwich and a hard place so ok!
Red Scarlett: Now have a special coffee and sign here!
TITAN McGURK: Life Insurance Transferral Form?? S L > U > R > P!!!
X T.i.t.a.n M.c.G.u.r.k X
Jed Hooligan: Congratulations! You young sir are the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape’s 1000th customer and your prize is a free ride in our office Intergalactic Cosmostron!
Intergalactic Cosmostron
TITAN McGURK: It looks like a giant microwave and there is crusty pumpkin all over the walls!
SLAM!!!!
Red Scarlett: Quick Jed thirty minutes medium high!!!
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! DING!!!
Jed Hooligan: Right open the door and we will put him in the back of the office pick up truck. There is a smorgasbord at The Last Resort today for lunch!! The chef will swap us a strawberry pavlova for fricasseed Titan!
The Last Resort
TITAN McGURK: Yeehah! What a ride dudes! Hey my acne is cured and wow what a suntan!
Red Scarlett: Ai caramba! Umm can you hold onto this electrode for me for a couple of seconds!!
TITAN McGURK!: Ok but what …ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzztttttttttttttttttttTT!!!!!!
Jed Hooligan: I set the transformer for 10,000 volts!!
Red Scarlett: Wow look at the smoke coming out of his ears!!
Jed Hoolgan: Yowser!! His shoes are melting and his hair has gone all curly!!
TITAN McGURK!: Whoaa!!! My tinnitus is gone and I just saw a vision of Jesus!!
Red Scarlett : Incredible ! Daniel in the Old Testament! Mesach, Shadrach and Abnego!!! Right Plan B!
Jed Hooligan: That was Plan B!
TITAN McGurk: I am going to church to repent!!
Red Scarlett: We will take you there in the office limo!!
TITAN McGURK!: That’s a D8 bulldozer!!
Jed Hooligan: The crank handle is up front Titan! Can you give it a rev up?
TITAN McGurk: I can’t see the crank ha…
S.. Q.. U.. I .. S.. H!!!!
TITAN McGURK: Ouch!!!
Sergeant Paddy Locks: Stick em up Titan! You are under arrest for impersonating a pancake!!
Sergeant Paddy Locks
TITAN MCGURK: Never!
Kaboom!!! Kaboom!!!
TITAN MCGURK: Aaachoo!!!
Quackers: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
S..C..R..U..N..C..H!!! in the goolies!!!
TITAN McGURK!!!: Aaaagghhh…..
Sergeant Paddy Locks: Yikes! He;s dead!! Right Quacker! I am booking you Murder 1!
Quackers: Raaaaahhh!!!!!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!
Sergeant Paddy Locks: Get that crazy homicidal duck away from me!
Quackers: Raaaaaaaaaallfffffffffffffff!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sergeant Paddy Locks: Plea bargain? Sure!!
Quackers: Woooollllllllffff!!!
Sergeant Paddy Locks: Twenty four hours in the slammer with immediate release for good behaviour? Ok!
Quackers: Purrrrrrrrrrrr!!!
Jed Hooligan: Yowser! Look!!! Titan has turned to dust!!
Sergeant Paddy Locks: Wow!! I need a raspberry fizzy drink!
Jed Hooligan: I need a cuddle from Cinnamon!
Red Scarlett: I need a Bloody Mary!
Cinnamon Voluptuous: I need a real man!!
Quackers: Ole ole ole!
A Real Man
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The Rongolian Star 
News Flash: New Rongolian Arrives on 1/11/11
Huge Win on Melbourne Cup Day!
Off the Top of My Head
By Paul Murray
I’m overjoyed to report that our first child “Buster” Murray was born on 1/11/11 at 2:44 a.m. in Nelson Hospital…I can also report that, other than the end result, there is absolutely NOTHING beautiful about childbirth…it’s more like a mixture of serious drug withdrawal and an exorcism…brutal pain, gnashing and grinding of teeth, blood, mucus, sweat…plenty of shouting, screaming, tears, involuntary twitching, praying, begging for mercy, hot flushes, cold shivers, uncontrollable shaking, a procession of uniformed officials performing rituals, probing orifices, inserting catheters, needles, tubes, and drips, swabbing and mopping as anxious relatives look on…Labour must be a construct of the devil…but my wife’s purgatorial suffering has produced a little angel…in her eyes we see the future…overwhelming tides of love flow from me when I see her smile…never have I seen such perfection…I can’t wait for you to meet her! I told her about The Rongolian Star and she burped, vomited and crapped herself!
…I should add that the replay of “The Exorcist” we experienced finished more like “Alien 1” as my wife eventually had a cesarian section (after 12 hours of demon banishing) and Diva emerged from my wife’s midsection looking not unlike the bloody, goo-covered extraterrestrial that popped out of Sigourney Weaver!
Anyway, we have a daughter…It has come to pass that she was born on the same day my father David died 28 years ago, so we chose a name from the letters of his name…Diva is also Latin for Goddess, and she can really wail…Grace is how we hope she’ll comport herself throughout her life…Enna is Japanese for lots of laughter.
If you’re interested in astrology…28 years is the time for theplanet Saturn to return to the same position in relation to Earth…Diva arrived in the same planetary alignment as when my father departed…One could argue that there is a 1 in 365 chance, but I like to think my Old Man has some sway in these matters!
Welcome to the world Diva Grace Enna Murray…nickname “Buster.”
Diva Grace Enna “Buster” Murray
Mother and Daughter doing very well…Father managing….
A few weeks before the birth, a Canadian friend rang and walked
me through the delivery procedure as he’s had two children and far more
experienced in these matters than I. He highly recommended huffing on the
nitrous oxide, which is freely provided to labouring mothers to help take
the edge off the pain. I took this exceptional advice with me to the
hospital and managed to action it on the day.
The N2O is delivered with oxygen and goes through a mixer at about 50/50
before being delivered to the agonised mother to be via a flexible plastic
hose with a mouthpiece attached. She sucks on the mouthpiece and the gas
flows. The mixer makes a rattling noise, like small stones in a bottle, to
indicate the gas is being delivered. It worked a treat for Sanae, whom I
thought was going to snuff it…the gas calmed her and she took to it much
like “Buster” is now taking to her breasts, but that is another story for
another day. Her contractions were coming around every 90 seconds, once
the pain maxed out, she stopped huffing, which is where I came in.
I first changed the mixer to 100% NOX and then had it jangling like Tito
Puente’s maracas! Half a dozen good hits on pure N2O certainly got the
brain going…distant things became quite close, everything went liquid
silver like mercury…angels were flapping about…that sort of thing…just
then, our midwife/GP returned to the room and seemed to
realise I wasn’t quite as she’d left me…in fact, she seemed quite
clinically interested in observing the effects of nitrous oxide on
pre-natal fathers…or perhaps that was a paranoiac symptom of the
NOX…I’ll never really know, anyway, she seemed to expect me to have
helped myself to the gas and didn’t seem at all bothered…she in fact
appeared rather amused. She then informed us that “Buster” would be born
on Melbourne Cup Day 1/11/11…and all I could think to say in response
was to repeat the childhood tongue twister…”One One was a racehorse, Two
Two was one too, 22 won one race, 11, won one too,” which, on reflection,
wasn’t bad under the circumstances!
In other news, Sanae appears to have developed a third breast. Apparently,
humans have a line of mammary glands running down their torso…rather
like sows. In Sanae’s case, the one under her right arm has activated and
is engorged with milk…so my wife is not only gorgeous, she now has three
tits! (I feel the cosmic worm is turning and our recent spell of bad luck
is about to change!) Diva’s arrival will change a whole lot of
things…all of them for the better.
Buster’s also something of a scatologist…I was holding her last night with my forearm under her bum and she released an explosive turd that had now where to go but up…she had shit all up her back and in her hair…her racy new white jumpsuit is a less fashionable shade of brown now…Sanae was less than impressed at the 3:00 a.m. malarkey, but took it all in her motherly stride and quietly changed her clobber, mopped her hair and back and reattached her for more ammunition…will she never learn?
Last week, I was changing her in the night and just as I had the old nappy off, she simultaneously sneezed and let fly with a fresh batch of baby poo that fired out under considerable pressure just clipping my left flank and leaving the wall behind me looking like the beginning of a Jackson Pollack…an abstract yellow streak up the wall that required some explanation to the less than impressed landlord…my claims that my child was merely expressing her creative talent and that I wouldn’t charge her for the artwork failed to convince her to refund our bond…some people just have no appreciation for modern abstract.
The other incident occurred halfway home when we stopped for lunch at the Riverside Cafe in Murchison. We woke Diva and proudly strolled into the restaurant among the customers carrying our new baby. We stopped by a couple who were enthusiastically hoeing into their lunch. They looked up at the waking Diva who proceeded to rip of a VERY loud and rather moist sounding fart tableside…the patrons visibly paled, their respective appetites evaporated as the stench wafted over their table and they seemed to concurrently decide that it was time to start dieting…must have been something wrong with the food!
She’s also learning about rugby…Sanae’s nipples were red raw and bleeding from the hammering they’ve taken in keeping the juice up to the growing bundle of joy. The midwife showed us a new breast-feeding hold she termed the “Rugby Hold.” The new hold positions the baby under the arm as you’d carry a rugby ball on the run. My role is to pass the baby and, in keeping with the rugby theme, have developed a kind of scrum ritual where by I say, “Crouch, touch, pause….engage.” She has become used to the routine, much as Pavlov’s dogs learned to salivate in the expectation of food…on the command of “crouch” her little mouth puckers up, on “touch” her eyes widen with anticipation, with “pause” her head starts to shake and the on “engage” I place her ready mouth on Sanae’s willing nipple and she commences enthusiastic suckling…hilarious! (With Sanae’s permission, I might film the ritual and send it to you…Sanae is getting quite used to getting her norks out in front of all and sundry, so why not share the joy on YouTube?)
“Murphy” Sanae and “Buster” Murray
“Buster” and Paul Murray
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