Heaphy Track – MTB Paradise

A Great Day out on the Heaphy Track

By Stephen and Jan Roberts
 

There are stars glittering in the sky – it is still dark out – too early for the sun to be up yet and we’re in the car driving north.  We have a mission planned – first stop Westport to refuel and meet some friends and then on up to Karamea to mountain bike the Heaphy Track.

Heaphy Track Kahurangi National Park

The Heaphy Track is a 78 km track in the Kahurangi National Park that runs from Karamea in the Buller region of the West Coast through to Collingwood in the Nelson/Tasman region at the top of the South Island.  Traditionally only a hiking trail DOC have given it a three-year trial run for seasonal mountain biking.  Our plan today is to bike into the Lewis Hut, the second hut in and then bike back out again – like I said, we have a mission planned – why don’t you come along for the ride……..

With next to no traffic on the road it is an easy drive to Westport (to be expected really as it is Saturday morning and how many other crazy people would be driving at 6.30am in the dark).  Glorious morning and lovely to watch the skies change from dark and starry to the pink and blue hues as the sun comes up.  Not a breath of wind either so it is eerily quiet out.  Looks like we are in for a glorious day.

Karamea and the road to the trailhead of Heaphy track

After meeting with our friends Shaz, Ren and Mandy in Westport and Mandy’s friend Mark, we head off for the journey over the Karamea Bluff to Karamea and the trailhead of the Heaphy track.  By the time we arrive the sun is well and truly up and it is warming up nicely.  Being autumn in NZ it is always hard to know what to wear so we all have our thermals on just in case.

crossing swingbridge by bike Heaphy track

With anticipation and a little trepidation we head off on our expedition.  Shaz and Ren have ridden the trail before so they know what we are in for.  Stephen and Mandy rode it many years ago before you weren’t allowed to ride it and Mark has hiked the trail so I was the only newbie and to say I was anxious would be an understatement.  Stephen said he could feel the tension oozing out of me.  I’m often like that before a big bike ride – not knowing what I’m in for, how many hills, how long is it going to take, will I be fit enough, will I hold everyone up……… silly really but that is just me!

numerous swingbridges on Heaphy track

Heaphy Track along the shoreline Kahurangi national park

The track starts with a bit of a climb – nothing too strenuous, just a gradual incline winding its way up the bluff, helping warm up the muscles and shake off some tension. There are a couple of swingbridges to cross – there are going to be plenty of these along the way, some short others much longer.  Pretty soon we have all warmed up and have big smiles on our faces.  We can’t believe the scenery – there aren’t enough words to describe it – absolutely magnificent.  Everyone sheds a layer of clothing and we are off again, down the other side of the bluff and then following the coastline.

beach sections of the Heaphy track

The track meanders along, up and down with little rocky outcrops to negotiate and deep sandy sections.  Some parts lead you right onto the beach – bit of bike walking and bike carrying required for these sections.  The pounding surf rages almost along side you and as the ride goes on and the tide comes in the spray and sound is fabulous and adrenaline pumping.

Nikau palms in forrest Heaphy track

The bush is simply stunning, lush Rata and Karaka trees and row upon row of Nikau Palm trees.  The trail winds inland slightly and then back out following the coastline.  It continues like this for around 16.5kms before we reach our first destination – the Heaphy Hut.

negotiating swingbridge Heaphy Track

fun and laughter crossing swingbridge heaphy track

girls enjoying day out on Heaphy track mountain biking

Before we reach our destination though we have some laughs crossing the swing bridges, especially the longer ones.  They are nice and wide for the bikes but like when you walk across them, they soon start swinging and it is quite an odd sensation riding your bike across something that is moving both sideways and slightly up and down.  There are huge smiles on all our faces as we safely reach the other side.

Heaphy hut and heaphy river

At the Heaphy hut we have a bit of a rest, chat and laugh about the ride so far and refuel with a bit to eat.  Everyone is prepared with sandwiches and bars.  Nice place to rest here for a bit with fabulous views of the Heaphy river meeting with the Tasman Sea and surrounded by this gorgeous forest.  Does life get much better than this!

Shaz and Ren enjoying the bush scenery Heaphy track

Onwards again and we have a reasonably flat 7kms to the next hut – the Lewis Hut and our turn around point for the day.  The trail winds in and out of the forest now filled with supple jack vines and huge rock formations and follows the Heaphy River inland.  There are some huge dinosaur looking trees and Ren and Shaz stop for a pose – nice shot guys!

massive tree on Heaphy track

We probably all go a bit quick on this section – enjoying our surroundings and forgetting we have to bike all the way out again……. fun while it lasts though. We round the corner and the Lewis Hut is in front of us.  Another quick break and bite to eat and time to turn round and head for home.

Shaz crossing swingbridge on heaphy track

Ren taking in the views from swingbridge on Heaphy track

The ride out is just as spectacular as the ride in but the energy levels are waning.  Not quite the same smiley faces as we cross the numerous swing bridges.  Shaz and Ren make it look easy though – I’m convinced these guys run on energiser batteries – they are truly inspirational!

sand, surf and bush mountain biking heaphy track

Nearly back – just have to climb back out and over the bluff – I totally forgot about the climb, slow and steady as she goes…….

Nikau palm lined coastline on heapy track

The trailhead beckons and we give ourselves a clap and wahoo. Comments are made to each other how blessed we are to live in such a beautiful part of the country, have the opportunity to either bike or hike in such a beautiful part of the country and even more-so actually be able to bike or hike so we can enjoy this wonderful scenery that makes up the West Coast of the Southern Alps of New Zealand.

Now – where is a shop to buy more food……… I’m hungry!

Jan and Stephen run Breakers Boutique Accommodation 14kms north of Greymouth.  They love the outdoors and enjoy living on the West Coast and getting out and exploring.  Check out their other blog postings or activities pages for idea on things to see and do while visiting the West Coast.

 

A great day out for FREE…MTB from Karamea to the Heaphy Hut and back….then stay at Rongo Backpackers & Gallery and enjoy a world famous “Heaphy Feast.” http://www.RongoBackpackers.com

coastingnz's avatarcoastingnz

There are stars glittering in the sky – it is still dark out – too early for the sun to be up yet and we’re in the car driving north.  We have a mission planned – first stop Westport to refuel and meet some friends and then on up to Karamea to mountain bike the Heaphy Track.

Heaphy Track Kahurangi National Park

The Heaphy Track is a 78 km track in the Kahurangi National Park that runs from Karamea in the Buller region of the West Coast through to Collingwood in the Nelson/Tasman region at the top of the South Island.  Traditionally only a hiking trail DOC have given it a three-year trial run for seasonal mountain biking.  Our plan today is to bike into the Lewis Hut, the second hut in and then bike back out again – like I said, we have a mission planned – why don’t you come along for the…

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Posted in Department of Conservation, DOC, Environment, Heaphy Track, Kahurangi National Park, Karamea, LivinginPeace Project, Media, Mountain Biking, MTB, New Zealand, Photography, Sport, Tramping, Travel, Uncategorized, West Coast | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Tokyo X: Orwellian Photographs of Modern Japan

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Book Review by Paul Murray
 

In 1984, veteran Tokyo-based photographer Shunji Ohkura was channel surfing and came across a television documentary discussing George Orwell’s novel “1984.”The programme was debating whether the modern world was a manifestation of Orwell’s prophetic 1949 masterpiece about the supposed utopian society of “Oceania.”

Ohkura had read the book and remembered it as a “scientific novel of the remote future.” However, after watching the programme and considering the points raised in the debate, he began to look at Tokyo in a different light and decided to “hit the streets” in an attempt to prove the hypothesis that Orwell’s vision had been realised.

The result was “Tokyo X,”a haunting collection of urban scenes taken principally in Tokyo, but also in other parts of Japan. The book captures the starkness and brutal modernity of life in the metropolitan sprawl that is contemporary urban Japan.

Most of Ohkura’s photos concentrate on what Orwell termed the “Outer Party,” or middle class, and the “proles,” or proletariat. Shots of the “Inner Party,” or bureaucratic elite, would have completed the study and added more conviction to his claim that modern Japan is the realisation of Orwell’s futuristic revelation. Such photographs would also have been the most difficult to obtain given the secrecy surrounding the upper echelons of Japanese society.

Ohkura firmly states in the book’s appendix that “in the consecrated space at the very summit of the hierarchy of this world, there exists a god-like, demon-like ruler whose power is so vast that is envelopes the entire planet and transcends all human understanding and religion.” Many of his photographs have subtle, sometimes blatant, references to money, religion, sex, fashion, youth and the all-pervading cultural invasion of the United States into Japanese society

Ohkura seems to suggest that U.S. icons are the modern-day equivalent of the posters of “Big Brother”––the infallible head of Oceania––that were displayed on every street corner to constantly remind people who was in control.

Statue of Liberty replicas, fast-food signs, advertising boards, commercial icons, clothing styles, flags and other cultural memorabilia provide constant reminders to the people of Tokyo that their own omnipresent Big Brother is watching. This sense of paranoia is heightened by the inclusion of security cameras in many of the shots––wherever you go, whatever you do, Big Brother sees all…there is no escape.

One shot shows two languid, melancholy men travelling up an outdoor escalator in Ginza under the watch of a surveillance camera and beneath a sign for Kofuku (“happiness”) Bank, a financial institution that is now insolvent and which conceivably caused a great deal of unhappiness to its depositors.

This photograph highlights the ease at which people are deceived into believing that their lives are better than they actually are and the futility they feel in the face of big business. Orwell describes this as “newspeak,” the language of Oceania as “doublethink,” or people’s belief that their lives are improving, while also knowing it not to be true. People simply accept what they are told––what Orwell calls a “vast system of mental cheating.”

The Japanese concept of “shoganai” that something “can’t be helped,” is also encapsulated in this photograph. The two men, who are dressed in conservative, dark business attire, appear to be shouldering a great burden as they make their was wearily to the office, like Winston Smith, the principal character in “1984.” The sign screams happiness, but the photograph echoes grim reality and despair, while the camera continues its tireless watch.

Homeless people often feature as a means of highlighting the broad financial gap between social castes. A wizen, bearded waif shuffling past a Luis Vuitton window display in Ginza shows the disparity between Tokyo’s social classes, as do other more subtle photographic references to wealth, age, status and educational contrasts.

This book is not for paranoid conspiracy theorists or the psychologically depressed, as observation of Ohkura’s photographs will do nothing to allay their fears. “Tokyo X” is a wake-up call for everyone in Japan: Where is this society going? Who is in control? What can be done to improve lives? And is there any escape from the regimented, electronic, natureless world into which people have allowed themselves to be drawn?

Orwell sounded a warning 65 years ago that to have an orderly society people must submit to a centre of power, a tyrant head of a government bureaucracy, with the cost of doing so being the loss of personal freedom. Ohkura has provided us with a powerful visual message that we are already there.

War is Peace, Freedom is Slavery, Ignorance is Strength.

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 Tokyo X by Shunji Ohkura: Published by Kodansha International
Posted in Advertising, Art, Book Review, Economics, Education, Environment, Fashion, Historical, Japan, Karamea, LivinginPeace Project, Media, New Zealand, Photography, Politics, Religion, Social Commentary, United States | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Karamea Radio Interview with Trail-Running Vickis

Vicki Quinn (left) and Vicki Woolley…TraiRunners

Vicki Quinn (left) and Vicki Woolley…TraiRunners

Trail Runners Vicki Woolley & Vicki Quinn arrived in Karamea after running the Heaphy Track in two days. They stayed at Rongo Backpackers & Gallery in Karamea and enjoyed a Heaphy Conqueror’s Feast, visited the Oparara Basin arches and caves the following day and ran back to Karamea along the Oparara Valley Track…tomorrow, they’re off to Vicki Woolley’s old hometown of Seddonville to take on the newest MTB track in New Zealand…The Old Ghost Road…Happy Trails for 2014 and beyond Super Vickis!

Vicki Woolley is the N.Z. Editor for TrailRun Magazine: www.TrailRun.com She is a single mum on her annual one week holiday….Vicki Quinn is her friend and fellow trail runner.

Paul Murray is the founder of the LivingInPeace Project.

Welcome to Karamea Ladies….

Posted in Business, Department of Conservation, DOC, Education, Environment, Heaphy Track, Kahurangi National Park, Karamea, Karamea Radio, LivinginPeace Project, Media, Mountain Biking, MTB, New Zealand, Oparara, Permaculture, Photography, Product review, Radio, Social Commentary, Sport, Sustainablity, Tramping, Travel, West Coast | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

40 Historical Photographs

While some photographs capture our attention because of how the artist behind the picture has decided to compose the shot, others are fascinating simply because of the subjects that they depict. Below are some captivating photographs that tell stories about our past, depicting the people, places and events that have shaped the course of history. Some of these pictures tell us about history in a way that books and documents will never be able to.
 
 

Woman With A Gas-Resistant Pram, England, 1938

Elvis in the Army, 1958

106-year-old Armenian Woman guards home, 1990

Baby cages used to ensure that children get enough sunlight and fresh air when living in an apartment building, ca. 1937

Animals being used as part of medical therapy, 1956

Testing of new bulletproof vests, 1923

Charlie Chaplin at age 27, 1916

Hindenburg Disaster, May 6, 1937

Circus hippo pulling a cart, 1924

Annette Kellerman promotes women’s right to wear a fitted one-piece bathing suit, 1907. She was arrested for indecency

Annie Edison Taylor, the first person to survive going over Niagara Falls in a barrel, 1901

Unpacking the head of the Statue of Liberty, 1885

The original Ronald McDonald, 1963

Disneyland Employee Cafeteria in 1961

Advertisement for Atabrine, anti-malaria drug, in Papua, New Guinea during WWII

Soldier shares a banana with a goat during the battle of Saipan, ca. 1944

Little girl with her doll sitting in the ruins of her bombed home, London, 1940

Construction of the Berlin wall, 1961

Unknown soldier in Vietnam, 1965

Bookstore in London ruined by an air raid, 1940

Walter Yeo, one of the first to undergo an advanced plastic surgery and a skin transplant, 1917

Suntan vending machine, 1949

Measuring bathing suits – if they were too short, women would be fined, 1920′s

Martin Luther King with his son removing a burnt cross from their front yard, 1960

Hotel owner pouring acid in the pool while black people swim in it, ca. 1964

Lifeguard on the coast, 1920′s

Artificial legs, UK, ca. 1890

Mom and son watching the mushroom cloud after an atomic test, Las Vegas, 1953

Mother hides her face in shame after putting her children up for sale, Chicago, 1948

Austrian boy receives new shoes during WWII

Hitler’s officers and cadets celebrating Christmas, 1941

Christmas dinner during Great Depression: turnips and cabbage

The real Winnie the Pooh and Christopher Robin, ca. 1927

Last prisoners of Alcatraz leaving, 1963

Melted and damaged mannequins after a fire at Madam Tussaud’s Wax Museum in London, 1930

A space chimp posing to camera after a successful mission to space, 1961

Illegal alcohol being poured out during Prohibition, Detroit, 1929

Princeton students after a freshman vs. sophomores snowball fight, 1893

A beautiful suicide – 23 year-old Evelyn McHale jumped from the 83rd floor of the Empire State Building and landed on a United Nations limousine, 1947

First morning after Sweden changed from driving on the left side to driving on the right, 1967

Source: boredpanda

Posted in Art, Education, Historical, Media, Photography, Politics, Religion, Social Commentary, United States, War | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Hard Road Leads to Nice Cuppa Tea Atop Mt Hua Shan

This may be the scariest trail in the world…..

We hope you’re not afraid of heights, because this even made our palms sweat. What you see below is a mountain in China called Mt. Hua Shan. At its base, you’ll find a gigantic set of stone stairs, called “the Heavenly Stairs.” These stairs go so high up the mountainside, it’s hard to see where they end. If that wasn’t enough, the precarious stairs lead to the world’s most dangerous trail, the Hua Shan plank path. The plank trail leads high up the Hua Shan mountain just outside the city Xi’an. No one will force you to wear safety gear, although it’s strongly encouraged. The trail itself is dangerous and stunning, but what is at the top will really shock you.

The stairs themselves, although beautiful, are daunting.

And they are the easiest part of the climb.


 However, countless people make the dangerous journey for what’s at the top…

As you climb the stairs, you pass little villages and houses that have cropped up on the mountain.

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Then, once you get high enough, you can take a gondola to the southern peak, where the plank path awaits.

This is where the path turns truly dangerous, with nothing but planks to walk on and a rail of chains to hold onto.



There is almost nothing keeping you from falling
.

There are parts you must climb as well, with toe holes cut out.

Our palms are sweating just looking at this path.

… Woah.

But, if you’re brave enough to keep climbing…

You’ll find something pretty interesting at the end of your journey.

At the very top of the southern peak is a Taoist temple that was converted into a teahouse.

 Thousands of people climb the world’s most dangerous path to end up at a teahouse.

So, either these people really like dangerous climbing, or they really like tea. Either way, you should probably check out the teahouse at the top of Mt. Hua Shan.
Source: reddit.com

Posted in Art, China, Environment, Historical, Peace, Photography, Tramping, Travel, Weird | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Yoshihiro Takishita: Mr Minka

Off the Top of My Head

By Paul Murray
 

 From a vantage point on wooded Mt Genji overlooking the ancient city of Kamakura, Yoshihiro Takishita relaxes in his stately antique home after returning from a U.S. book tour.

 His book, Japanese Country Style: Putting New Life Into Old Houses is the culmination of his career to date as a rescuer and restorer of old Japanese minka (farmhouses). His life’s work has been to preserve the grace and style of traditional Japanese architecture for future generations to appreciate, enjoy and admire.

Cover-large.preview

The positive response of audiences on his U.S. tour “gave me confidence in what I’m doing, that I’m doing the right thing––and that’s so important for Japanese people, he said.

The book is essentially a collection of excellent architectural photographs that capture the splendour of 16 of the minka homes Takishita has rejuvenated. But it also includes insight into his life and his passion for minka, background information on the buildings, tips for modernising the homes, hints on joinery, advice on suitable interior decorating and details on dismantling, transporting, and reassembling the structures in separate locations.

Takishita has saved 30 such homes so far, dismantling the buildings, transporting the materials to new locations and reconstructing them to live on as examples of a bygone age when elegance, refinement and grandeur were more highly regarded than purely economic considerations and rationalisation.

“People today buy houses like they’re buying (a new car) from a catalogue: fast and cheap.”

Takishita claims it is reasonable to expect a reconstructed minka home to provide comfortable living for at least 200 years, and that minka––themselves antiques––actually become more beautiful with age, unlike contemporary Japanese homes, which begin to deteriorate and become “grimy and unattractive within a few years.”

“Government statistics show that the average lifespan of a new house in Japan is 26 years. People say ‘economy comes first,’ but what kind of economy is it when a house only lasts 26 years? In the long term, minka are much more economical,” Takishita said.

To sit chatting with Takishita in the spacious living area of the more than 200-year-old minka annex to his Kamakura home, surrounded by sturdy, solid wooden uprights and majestic overhead beams blackened by centuries of wood smoke and the patina of age, is truly awe-inspiring.

He uses the building as a showroom for his separate, but complementary, business as an antique dealer. “What could be better than to display antiques in than an antique building?” he asks in his book.

Takishita fears the nation is losing its way culturally and is allowing the West too great an influence. “We are losing our sense of beauty and sense of value. We are losing the beautiful things in this country. We are ruining and destroying it.” He said.

“Japanese are group-minded and community-minded; they lack the ability to make individual judgement––it’s a shame, Takishita said. “Losing (World War II) was a denial of our cultural heritage and we lost confidence in our traditions. It is now time for us to rediscover Japan and it is my mission to spread this message,” he said.

There seems to be a popular misconception among Japanese that old houses are cold, dark, dirty, damp, uncomfortable and expensive to maintain. Worse, they carry the stigma of penury in the Japanese mind-set, in which keeping up with the Watanabes is essential.

“For Japanese, to live in a farmhouse is a symbol of poverty. A thatched-roof house is considered shameful,” Takishita said.

This may have been valid 100 years ago, but Takishita’s homes have every modern convenience from flush toilets to Jacuzzis, as each home can be tastefully modified to include any amenity required in the process of disassembly and reconstruction. Incorporating fireplaces, air conditioning, and subfloor heating panels that warm the entire home from the bottom up solve the heating problem, skylights improve lighting and security is enhanced with locking doors and windows. Takishita appears to have a solution for every objection and a visit to his comfortable Kamakura home quickly dispels minka misconceptions.

Takishita looks to the past for a vision of the future and his excellent book redefines the word “progress.” Modern buildings become inconsequential, regressive and artless beside the splendour of minkas, serving as a reminder to us all that we can still learn from our ancestors.

The following excellent short documentary film by Davina Pardo is on the life and work of Mr Minka Yosihiro Takishita:

Posted in Architecture, Art, Book Review, Economics, Education, Environment, Historical, Japan, Photography, Product review, Social Commentary, Sustainablity | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

The Rongolian Star Quiz #5

***The Rongolian Star Quiz is acknowledged by esteemed philosophers of the School of Socrates, Men of Letters and Captains of Industry to be the most ridiculous and mind numbing quiz on the entire planet!!!***

November’s Rongolian Star Quiz prize schedule for ten correct answers:

1st Prize     1 billion air points on any Congo Air flight to the Dallas Book Depository!

dallas-book_depository

 

2nd Prize     A mounted framed original photograph of the sole surviving Congo Air DC3!

3rd Prize      Souvenir cap recovered from the wreckage of ill fated Congo Air Flight 101 from Brassierville to Istanbul shot down over Dealey Plaza!

Question 1.

 

Who really shot JFK?

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  1. A glassy troll?
  2. The Salvation Army’s best sniper?
  3. Roger Rabbitt?
  4. The Dalai Lama?

Question 2.

Professor Bogor Yakkalov, Master of Antiquities from Moscow University, recently discovered the Holy Grail utilised to share the wine at The Last Supper in a dumpster behind the Dallas Book Depository. On the base is the inscription “    קילרוי היה כאן     ” Meticulously translated from Mosaic Hebrew this inscription reads :
A. “Kilroy was here!”
B. “ Made in China!”
C. “Vote Republican!”
D. “Other end up!”

Question 3.

Which famous quote was voted best of the 20th century?

  1. “I smoked but I didn’t inhale and neither did Monica!” – Bill Clinton!
  2. “Ok chaps I’m going out for a short while, I may not be back!” – Jimmy Hoffa!
  3. “Are you fucking blind? It was way over the service line, arsehole!!” John Superbrat McEnroe!
  4. “We’re more popular than the Lee Harvey Oswald!” The Teletubbies!

Question 4.

Your lying sluttish Sunday school teacher is found by Mormon missionaries in her herb garden completely stoned out of her brains!  Do you:

A. Anonymously donate your unpaid taxes to the elders of the Jewish Synagogue?
B. Double check your mother in laws fingerprints are indelibly etched on your wife’s pet rock, before you try to flush it down the loo, then ring Police 911?
C. Pray for her sassy soul?
D. Pause for a moment’s reflective silence, down a gassy skol and enjoy the biggest fart of your entire life?

Question 5.

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You accidentally parachute from Congo Air Flight 762 into Beirut Lebanon during Ramadan and a Hizbollah uprising! Do you disguise yourself as:

A. The American Flag?
B. A bottle of Jack Daniels?
C. The second coming of a pork sausage?
D. Uncle Sam?

Question 6.

You incredibly win $27 million in Lotto’s Powerball!!! Do you:

  1. Donate all your winnings to the Free Cuba Society, then head to a Dallas strip club to watch an arsey moll?
  2. Wisely employ your divine windfall to drink the Republic of Ireland under the altar?
  3. Invest heavily in the Dealey Plaza Poncy Scheme?
  4. Head to the Trentham yearling sales to purchase a classy foal?

Question 7.

The All Blacks are beaten by the Dallas Cowboys 53-0!!! Are you absolutely:

A. Elated?
B. Deflated?
C. Fellated?
D. Chelated?

Question 8.

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You have just gallantly and unselfishly aided a hot young Dominican nun to lose her virginity on the grassy knoll! Do you celebrate your virility by:

A: Rushing down to the nearest 9-11 to purchase a packet of strawberry flavoured Fourex?
B. Rushing down to the nearest liquor store to purchase a six pack of Holy Communion?
C. Getting your second wind and immediately head to the Dealey Plaza underpass where you swear you spotted a Lassie doll?
D. Realising that your manly conquest was in reality a crassy goal and head to the nearest Irish bar to enjoy a pint o’ Guinness?

Question 9.

You are leaving New Zealand to visit your alcoholic uncle O’Shamus O’O’ Toole in County Cork! What do you purchase for him at Duty Free?

  1. A couple of tins of jellied Tuatara?
  2. A homespun Kokako smoking jacket?
  3. A stuffed and rear mounted albino Giant Spotted Kiwi?
  4. A large collectible Mercedes Benz chassis pole?

Question 10.

“Knock  …. knock….. knock!!!

Who’s there man?

J. Edgar Hoover man!

J. Edgar Hoover?

Yeah man!

No J. Edgar Hoover’s not here man!”

Is this conversation extremely :

A. Secretive?
B. Original?
C. Silly?
D. Erotic?

Nota Bene !

Absolutely no correspondence whatsoever will be entertained regarding the professional credentials of the Editor, reporting staff, SuperMoo the Karamea Wonder Dog and all the other ruff rolph associated with disseminating the trivial nonsense printed under strict copyright of The Rongolian Star and its associated business interests!

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The release of all highly classified information contained within this quiz has received prior approval of the Dallas County Mayor’s office and the Warren Commission!!! Arf arf!!!

Signed U.S. Army Lieutenant Brassy Col.

1963

No. 1 on the Texas hit parade!!!

“I shot the President!” by Weird Al Yankovich (unfortunately later bastardised by Eric Clapton!!!)

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Posted in Art, Business, Economics, Education, Funny, Hilarious, Historical, Humor, Humour, LivinginPeace Project, Media, Moo, Parody, Photography, Politics, Quotes, Religion, Royal Family, Satire, Sex, Social Commentary, SuperMoo the KarameaWonderDog, Uncategorized, United States, Weird | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Karamea Ministry of Red Tape: #24

A New Zealand Government Department authorised by a covertly suspicious and deliberately rhetorical Act of Parliament and compounded by a tacit Royal Approval to receive Official Complaints!
 
By Raving Reporter Товарищ Самсон Казаков
 

Office Manager:     Red Scarlett

beautiful-anahi-gonzales-red-dress-1920x1200

Senior Complaints Officer:      Adolf Eichmann Esquire

Office Receptionist:    Miss Triple X!

Tea Strumpet:   Moanika Lewinsky

Office Minstrel:   Rolex Harrasss

Office Muttley:   SuperMoo the Karamea Wonder Dog

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Karamea Ministry of Red Tape offices, Market Cross, Karamea, Friday October 25th 0915hrs

“Radio Karamea 107.5 FM and the Rongo Hit Parade with DJ Hooters!

…..Tie me kangaroo down sport, tie me kangaroo down!
Screw me blue when I’m thru Stew, screw me blue when I’m thru!
Spank me hide when I’m dead Fred, spank me hide when I’m dead!……

Miss Triple X!:     Wow! I just love B and D music!

Adolf Eichmann Esquire:    Ist goot song!!

Rolex Harrasss:   I wrote that song after me mother in law got totally shagged by a large Caterpiller digger!

 

Adolf Eichmann Esquire:    Ya??? Playing it again Uncle Samuel!!

Red Scarlett:  Attention!!!!! Ok troops we have our first customer for the day! Combat alert!

Adolf Eichmann Esquire:    Raus!!!  Schnell!!!!!

 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Bodgie Mactavish:    You’re a complete bastard Jimmy! Oi oi oi!!!

Adolf Eichmann Esquire:      Having ze bad hair day kamerad????

Bodgie MacTavish:     Are you a bloody Kraut, Jock????

Adolf Eichmann Esquire:    Ve ask ze qvestions!!!!

Bodgie Mactavish:    I want to make a bloody official complaint!!!!!

 

Adolf Eichmann Esquire:   Regarding vot schwein hundt???

Bodgie Mactavish:   The German bloody football team!! They’re absoloute bloody shite!!!!

KABOOM!!!!!

Adolf Eichmann Esquire:     Vanker dumbkopf!!!

Rolex Harrasss:     Skills cobba!!! A precise nasal incision, dissecting his sinuses, severing the carotted artery, exiting the rear temporal lobe and scoring a neat double tops on the office dart board!!!!!

Moanika Lewinsky:    Cup of tea?????

Adolf Eichmann Esquire:   Danke schoen fraulein!!!!
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

“Radio Karamea 107.5 FM News Flash with DJ Pukeko!!!!

“The Prime Minister of New Zealand, the Right Honourable John Key, National Party Member of Parliament for Remuera and the Minister in charge of the Security Intelligence Service and the Government Communications Services Bureau;  in Wellington today publicly stated  …blah..blah…blah…..:

Karamea Weather with DJ Tokov

“Bonza today! Get out the Barbie and give it a bit of slap and tickle, May the sauce be with you!!!
And now exclusive on Radio Karamea 107.5 FM Rolex Harrasss recorded live on this week’s Rongo 5ooth Blues Show!”

The Big Man:      Do we have to play this turkey???

 

DJ Crap:      He’ll be good for the ratings!!!

The Big Man:     Naval ratings??

DJ Crap:      Originally recorded by “The Divinyls” the one and only Rolex Harrasss live singing  “I Touch Myself”!!!

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Karamea Ministry of Red Tape offices

 

Rolex Harrasss:    You know, it was the proudest moment of my life to sing that song personally to Her Majesty the Queen at her Palace Halloween Piggy Party!!!

Adolf Eichmann Esquire:    Bringing tears to my eyes kamerad!!!

SuperMoo:    Awwrrooooooooo!!!!

Moanika Lewinksy:        Sniffle……..sniffle……….

Miss Triple X:         Boo hoo!!!

 

Red Scarlett:    Dear God! I have a serious run in my pantyhose! Do you see me teary eyed!

 

Rolex Harrasss:    Allow me!!  I am an expert with young ladies hosiery!!!

Red Scarlett:     Et tu Rolex!!!!!!! Get your hand out of my crotch!!!

 

Adolf Eichmann Esquire:   Nein fraulein! Ist goot photo opportunity!!!!!!

 

FLASH!!!!!!!

Rolex Harass:    Did you get my best side????

Whip……whip…….whip……whip….

Red Scarlett:   Miss Triple X!!!!  Jesus Christ the son of Mary!!!! Why are you whipping SuperMoo???

 

SuperMoo:    Awwrooooooo!!!!!

Moanika Lewinsky:   Wow!!! I’ve never seen a dog smile before!!!!

 

“Radio Karamea 107.5 FM

…I’m living on dog food……………”

SuperMoo:       Awwroooooo!!!!

Red Scarlett:     Attention!!! Urgent departmental intelligence briefing now in session!!

Adolf Eichmann Esquire:      Ya!!

 

Red Scarlett:    Now, I must have your complete and undivided attention!!  Listen very carefully!! The Rongolian Star cryptic crossword, fourteen down..  “A fiery enigma not to be trifled with French heresy!”

 

Miss Triple X!:     Rubber truncheon!!!

Rolex Harasss:     Two little boys!!!

Moanika Lewinsky:   Cunning linguist!!!!

 

Red Scarlett:    Thirteen letters!!!

 

Adolf Eichmann  Esquire:       Kamerad Nostradamus’ prophecy…. ARMAGEDDONKOV!!!!

 

Red Scarlett:   Dolf!!! Brilliant!!!

“Radio Karamea 107.5 FM

“……….I’m Jake ze Peg viz ze extra leg……………….”

Rolex Harrasss:  They’re playing my song!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

Posted in Art, Business, Economics, Education, Erotica, Fashion, Funny, Hilarious, Historical, Humor, Humour, Jesus, Karamea, Karamea Radio, LivinginPeace Project, Media, Moo, Nazis, New Zealand, Parody, Photography, Politics, Religion, Satire, Sex, Social Commentary, SuperMoo the KarameaWonderDog, Uncategorized, United States, Weird | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Karamea Ministry of Red Tape # 23

A New Zealand Government Department authorised by a deliberately rhetorically and covertly suspicious Act of Parliament and compounded by a tacit Royal Approval to receive Official Complaints!

By Raving Reporter Товарищ Самсон Казаков
 

Office Manager:    Red Scarlett

Director of Intelligence:     Hanoi Doris

 

Senior Complaints Manager:  Sheikov El Judas

Office Receptionist:   Victoria Cross

Tea Hostess:     Yowserkova Hot Momma III

 

Office Sheep in Wolf’s Clothing:  Supermoo the Karamea Wonder Dog!

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Offices Market Cross, Karamea Monday September 9th 9 a.m.

Red Scarlett   :     Attention : Look here comes our first customer for the day!

Silvio Paparazzi:    Bongiorno!

 

Victoria Cross:    Welcome to the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape sir!

Silvio Paparazzi:   Grazi!

Victoria Cross:   You are desirous of making a complaint pertinent to a matter of public indignity sir?

Silvio Paparazzi:    Si!

Victoria Cross:   An official complaint sir?

 

Silvio Paparazzi:  Si!

Victoria Cross   :    The nature and content of your complaint sir?

Silvio Paparazzi:    Scuzi?

Victoria Cross:    Your official *%$@*!!@! complaint !

Silvio Paparazzi:    Pardona?

 

KABOOM!!!!!!!!!

Yowserkova Hot Momma III:   Wow! Italian men really do have spaghetti for brains!

 

Red Scarlett:   Achtung!!! No official complaint, no fee, no execution!!!

Victoria Cross:   Oopskov!!!

 

Red Scarlett:  I will handle the next complainant and demonstrate the correct protocols required to take an official complaint and extort the requisite outrageously exorbitant fee!

Yowserkova Hot Momma III:    Cup of tea???

Red Scarlett:     Before we have morning tea, please get a vacuum cleaner and clean up Mr. Pizzeria from the office carpet!

Vroooooom  …..slurp!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Radio Karamea 107.5 FM!

Breaking News with DJ Sausage!

“ The Karamea Four Square has just been robbed of all remaining stocks of Whittaker’s Chocolate Dark Extra Cacao. The young robbers armed with badminton racquets and all wearing Daniel Quayle clown masks fled on a stolen caterpillar digger and were last seen running into the Karamea School Library! Police Swat Team Leader Sergeant John McLean stated “ Karamea School will be cordoned off after this morning’s Story Time reading of Winnie the Poohkov!”

 

Asked by Radio Karamea “ Pourquoi???”

Sgt McLean’s official reply “ Pourquoi pas???”

Karamea Weather with DJ Fukyoushima

Karamea weather!

Stratified cloud at various altitudes will drift slowly away from the horizon by late morning!!!

Rain progressing from spasmodic to intermittent to persistent to torrential to influential to apolitical … blah…blah…blah….

Remember!!!   Slipper, Slopper, Slapper!

“God save our gracious queen.blah.blah.blah.”

    Karamea Minstry of Red Tape 4 p.m.

Ned:    Yeah gidday!

Red Scarlett:  Welcome to the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape this beautifully fine Monday!

Ned:   Bonza sheila! Fancy a shag?

Red Scarlett:   I have subconciously transcended the notional concept of physical lust and seek intellectual Nirvana in the ethereal realms of meditative contemplation!!!

 

Ned:   Christ!!! You’re a bloody virgin!!!!

Red Scarlett:   Do you wish to file a complaint my good gentleman?

Ned:  Yeah! Some bushranger nicked me digger from outside the supermarket this morning!

 

Red Scarlett:  Have you visited the Karamea Police sir?

Ned:   Are you joking me babe?!?!

Red Scarlett:   Many apologies! Let me find an official complaint form!

Ned:   Got a light Sheila?

Red Scarlett: No smoking on official New Zealand government premises!

Ned:    Can I chew gum?

Red Scarlett:    Of course!

Ned:      Scruncha….scruncha…scruncha……

Red Scarlett:    Here we go!  Karamea Ministry of Red Tape official complaint form

 

111/9………..”Aussie yobbo has his digger pinched outisde the Karamea Four Square by three young hoodlums armed with badminton racquets and all wearing Daniel Quayle clown masks!!!”

Ned:    That’s yobbo with two b’s!

Red Scarlett:   The fee for your official complaint can be paid for with crocodile skin, Whittakers Chocolate Extra Cacao  Macadamia or Coober Pedy opals!

Ned:   Strewth!!  Haven’t shot a croc in anger since last Melboune Cup Day, my chocolate stays in me swag and me missu shot thru with the family jewels!

Red Scarlett:   What authentic collateral do you have then?

Ned:    Just me FJ Holden parked there over the road outside the RSA!

Red Scarlett:    Wow!@!!!!!

Sheikov El Judas:  Schnell Vagon !!!!!

Victoria Cross:      Incredoible!!!!!

Super Moo:    Arf arf!!!!

Sheikov El Judas:   Ve cannot possibly accept such a priceless  objet d’art as collateral but now zat you have established your financial credentials, ze Karamea Ministry of Red Tape is prepared to extend you unlimited credit, interest free, tax free and with no legal obligation to make any repayment whatsoever for ze rest of your natural life!  Sign here kamerad !

 

Ned:      E….d…..w..a..r..d…..K…e…l..l..y!         What’s the catch?

Sheikov El Judas    :  You are obligated to take the entire staff of the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape on a crutch cruise up the main street! Pronto!!

Ned     :   All aboard!!!!!

Vrrooom…..vrroooom………

Hanoi Doris:     Alrighty!!!!!

Red Scarlett:     Yowser!!!

 

Sheikov El Judas:     Shtein Lager!!!!!!!!!

Supermoo:  Arf arf!!!!!!!!!!

VROOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Radio Karamea 107.5 FM

“ Don’t you ever let a chance go by…………………..”

Karamea Ministry of Red Tape
Staff Intelligence Briefing
Staff Cafe 1630hrs!

 

Hanoi Doris:  Does anyone have the answer to 3 across in this mornings Rongolian Star cryptic crossword? Naughty but nice, leaning towards Moscow!

Victoria Cross:      Bitch???

 

Red Scarlett:    Hokey Pokey???

Hanoi Doris:   Five letters!!!

 

Sheikov El Judas:     Porky????

 

Yowserkova Hot Momma III:    Fukov!!!!

Red Scarlett:   Can we have this week’s classified intelligence and covert operations report?

Hanoi Doris:    The Government Communication Services Bureau are close to cracking our internet scam to fleece Nigerian play school children!!!!

Sheikov El Judas:   Shize strasse!!!!!

Red Scarlett:   Covert operations????

Hanoi Doris:     The Karamea Ministry of Red Tape has today, employed two street kids to act as lookouts in case of any unexpected visit by the FUZZ! Their code names are Grasshopper and Jelloo!

Jelloo:    Pleased to be working for such honourable institution!

Grasshopper:   Can we be paid in roubles????

Red Scarlett:   Attention!!!

Grasshopper:   What for? Are we going to get a medal???

Hanoi Doris:   Your job is to to be on combat alert at all times!!  One wolf whistle for Jehovah’s Witnesses, two for the Filth, three for the Serious Fraud Unit and four for my mother in law!!!

Red Scarlett   :   Any questions????

 

Jelloo:  What does radioactive mean????

Red Scarlett:   Why do you ask???

Jelloo:    I found this silver canister floating in the Karamea River this morning!!!!

Hanoi Doris:  sTRonTiuM….. nInE….. Tea!!!

Red Scarlett:     EVACUATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aaaghhhhh!! Aaaggghhhhh!! Aaaaaggghh!!

Jelloo:   Oi!!  Don’t eat all the gingernuts!!!!!!!!

Grasshopper:    Munch…munch…Richard Head!!!!  I said write STRONTIUM 90!!!!!!!!!

“Radio Karamea 107.5 FM!

“Just eat it…………………..”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Posted in Art, Business, Funny, Hilarious, Historical, Humor, Humour, Kahurangi National Park, Karamea, Karamea Radio, LivinginPeace Project, New Zealand, Parody, Photography, Politics, Radio, Satire, Sex, Social Commentary, SuperMoo the KarameaWonderDog, Travel, Uncategorized, United States, Weird, West Coast | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Karamea Radio 107.5 FM: Perhaps the World’s Best Radio Station

DJ Crap and the Big Man: Blues Show: Wednesday Night from 8:00 p.m. on Karamea Radio 107.5 FM

Off the Top of My Head

By Paul Murray 

Karamea Radio was launched in September 2004 by a group of Karamea locals who thought it might be a good idea to set up a community radio station. Craig Stenhouse had previously been involved with creating a similar radio station down the West Coast in Punakaiki and knew how to go about getting a transmitter and the other necessary equipment together and connecting it all up…other people including Stu Mollison, James Rae, Raramai Adcock, Tony Ibbotson, myself and a few others got the $$$ together and helped it happen.

The station was initially set up in the main street of Karamea in an old shop, but this venue proved inadequate and the equipment was soon moved to the shed at the back of Rongo Backpackers & Gallery, where it remains today.

Karamea Radio plays music non-stop. Radio shows, public service announcements, local news and weather reports and radio interviews break up the music and the station also provides an important community service by permitting the rapid dissemination of information in the event of a civil defence emergency. Information about floods, earthquakes, tsunami, fire etc can be quickly and effectively broadcast to warn Karamea residents of any danger and advise on the best course of action to mitigate harm to themselves and their properties.

The arrival of Brian “Big Man” Thomson in 2005 saw the radio station transcend its humble beginnings and really take shape as a serious radio station. The Big Man donated a computer, an amplifier, speakers and some other key equipment that took the radio to a new level. Tristan Lockerbie had the idea of giving the radio station, which had previously been in the Rongo Theatre, its own room…so we cleaned out the old coal store and made it the radio studio. Tristan built the benches for the equipment and it was all moved into its current location in the spring 2006.

Soon after the move, Paul Murray and Brian Thomson got together to start the world famous (in Karamea) DJ Crap & the Big Man Blues Show, which is the longest-running show on Karamea Radio. Since January 2005, DJ Crap and the Big Man have put on a show every Wednesday night without fail and the show now has many fans locally and around the world. Other notable DJs from the early days of Karamea Radio include DJ T (Tjalve Mollison-Sjöberg) who used to come down after school and do a show. Dave Bateman rose to Karamea Radio fame with the controversial “Bigga than Bateman Show,” which made up in hilarity what it lacked in political correctness…Bigga left the district for a couple of years to live in the ghost town of Otira, but he’s back now and more incorrigible than ever…tune in for a giggle on Monday nights. Random and Casual make random and causal appearances as well…with guests Weaver D and others…DJ Obewan takes up the coveted Friday night slot…DJ Echo owns Saturday night and Kathy Ramsay plays awesome Kiwi music and old blues on Sunday afternoons with the “Stranded in Paradise” show.

Many visiting musicians have also played live in the radio station; Luke Hurley, Paul Ubana Jones, Karen Hunter, Vibrasics, BellBirds, Nigel Gavin, Richard Adams, Steve Abel, Tony McIver, Panda, Erin, DelGirl, Hot Club Sandwich and many, many others have played for the people of Karamea Live on 107.5.

The Karamea Area School media studies class also used to come to the studio to put their skills into practice and get a feel for the medium of radio and guests often do radio shows while they are staying at Rongo Backpackers & Gallery and introduce music from all over the world to the Karamea airwaves. Karamea Radio and the opportunity to be a radio DJ has become a feature of the hostel and many have enjoyed the opportunity to express their musical tastes and personal opinions on radio.

Karamea Community Coordinator Rick Lucas provided the region with the most popular Karamea Radio show of all time with his series of interviews with local celebrities. Rick did 12 radio interviews that attracted a lot of new listeners to the radio station and DJ Crap has continued the live radio interviews with a series of on air chats with candidates for the local Council elections Sheryl Rhind and Garry Howard and visitors to Karamea, including West Coast Conservation Board Chairman Stewart Robinson and Brando Yelavich, who is attempting to be the first person to circumnavigate New Zealand’s coastline on foot.

Thousands of LP records and singles have been donated to the station as well as digital files from the music collections of may Rongo guests. Karamea Radio has a musical collection that would rival commercial radio stations worldwide. An incredible donation of awesome records came from N.Z. poet Rod Morris, who loaded up his small Japanese hatchback car with his entire record collection and drove to Karamea from Hamilton to donate the records to Karamea Radio. When he arrived at Rongo, he was barely visible in his car that was loaded to the front back and sides to the roof with vinyl. He dropped off his collection, stayed the night and then drove back to Hamilton…thanks Rod!

Another guest donated a musical collection that continues to give today. The 1001 best albums from the 1950s through to 2002 contains some incredible music from the best bands of the last century…I forget the name of the donor…but thanks a lot…we have enjoyed listening to much of the 80GB file and have a lot more to get through!

In the summer of 2012, a little man from the “Ministry of Social and Economic Development” arrived (unannounced) with radio testing equipment to measure the Karamea Radio signal. With some concern for the future of the station, Paul Murray, the owner of Rongo Backpackers & Gallery showed him through the station and assisted with the testing. The outcome was disappointing…Karamea Radio was deemed to be within legal broadcasting limits and given the thumbs up to continue doing so. The radio was considered by all concerned as a “Pirate” station, but it was in fact operating legally, so we survived government scrutiny and the station continues to provide entertainment, information, amusement and enjoyment for the people of Karamea.

Being legal opened up new opportunities for the station and with the help of Chris Diack from the New Zealand Radio Network, established a means of recording Karamea Radio shows. This has enabled the shows to be uploaded to the Internet as podcasts so that people outside of Karamea can download and listed to Karamea Radio shows. Given that Rongo hosts travellers from over 50 countries per year, a lot of people around the world, who have experienced Karamea Radio while staying at Rongo, can now listen to 107.5 FM in their respective countries. Karamea Radio shows are now uploaded the following day to SoundCloud as well as being repeated during the day on Karamea Radio.

This initiative has elevated the status of Karamea Radio and significantly broadened the station’s listenership and audience.

So, in celebration of nine years of non-stop broadcasting, I thank all the people involved in the establishment of Karamea Radio and look forward to a bright future for what is quite possibly the World’s Best Radio Station.

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Mrs Crap…DJ Crap’s Mother

DJ Crap

Inside the mind of DJ Crap

Retro DJ Crap

DJ Crap and DJ Pukeko

Rongo Backpackers: Home of Karamea Radio:
http://www.rongobackpackers.com

Karamea Radio Shack

Recording the “Rongo Rongo” song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRVmZHbn7g0

BellBirds Live on 107.5

Karamea Radio Shack

Luke Hurley Live on 107.5: http://www.lukehurley.co.nz

DJ Little Naughty from Japan

Guest DJs: Reeves Family from Australia

Guests DJs Anna and Marie from Sweden

Rongo: Home of Karamea Radio 107.5 FM:
http://www.rongobackpackers.com

Rongo: Home of Karamea Radio 107.5 FM:
http://www.rongobackpackers.com

DJ Obi wan: Thursday Night from 8:00 p.m.

 

Posted in Art, Blues, Business, DIY, Funny, Hilarious, Historical, Humor, Humour, Kahurangi National Park, Karamea, Karamea Radio, LivinginPeace Project, Music, New Zealand, Peace, Photography, Politics, Product review, Radio, Social Commentary, Travel, Uncategorized, West Coast | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments