***The Rongolian Star Quiz is acknowledged by esteemed philosophers of the School of Socrates, Men of Letters and Captains of Industry to be the most ridiculous and mind numbing quiz on the entire planet!!!***
November’s Rongolian Star Quiz prize schedule for ten correct answers:
1st Prize 1 billion air points on any Congo Air flight to the Dallas Book Depository!
2nd Prize A mounted framed original photograph of the sole surviving Congo Air DC3!
3rd Prize Souvenir cap recovered from the wreckage of ill fated Congo Air Flight 101 from Brassierville to Istanbul shot down over Dealey Plaza!
Question 1.
Who really shot JFK?
A glassy troll?
The Salvation Army’s best sniper?
Roger Rabbitt?
The Dalai Lama?
Question 2.
Professor Bogor Yakkalov, Master of Antiquities from Moscow University, recently discovered the Holy Grail utilised to share the wine at The Last Supper in a dumpster behind the Dallas Book Depository. On the base is the inscription “ קילרוי היה כאן ” Meticulously translated from Mosaic Hebrew this inscription reads :
A. “Kilroy was here!”
B. “ Made in China!”
C. “Vote Republican!”
D. “Other end up!”
Question 3.
Which famous quote was voted best of the 20th century?
“I smoked but I didn’t inhale and neither did Monica!” – Bill Clinton!
“Ok chaps I’m going out for a short while, I may not be back!” – Jimmy Hoffa!
“Are you fucking blind? It was way over the service line, arsehole!!” John Superbrat McEnroe!
“We’re more popular than the Lee Harvey Oswald!” The Teletubbies!
Question 4.
Your lying sluttish Sunday school teacher is found by Mormon missionaries in her herb garden completely stoned out of her brains! Do you:
A. Anonymously donate your unpaid taxes to the elders of the Jewish Synagogue?
B. Double check your mother in laws fingerprints are indelibly etched on your wife’s pet rock, before you try to flush it down the loo, then ring Police 911?
C. Pray for her sassy soul?
D. Pause for a moment’s reflective silence, down a gassy skol and enjoy the biggest fart of your entire life?
Question 5.
You accidentally parachute from Congo Air Flight 762 into Beirut Lebanon during Ramadan and a Hizbollah uprising! Do you disguise yourself as:
A. The American Flag?
B. A bottle of Jack Daniels?
C. The second coming of a pork sausage?
D. Uncle Sam?
Question 6.
You incredibly win $27 million in Lotto’s Powerball!!! Do you:
Donate all your winnings to the Free Cuba Society, then head to a Dallas strip club to watch an arsey moll?
Wisely employ your divine windfall to drink the Republic of Ireland under the altar?
Invest heavily in the Dealey Plaza Poncy Scheme?
Head to the Trentham yearling sales to purchase a classy foal?
Question 7.
The All Blacks are beaten by the Dallas Cowboys 53-0!!! Are you absolutely:
A. Elated?
B. Deflated?
C. Fellated?
D. Chelated?
Question 8.
You have just gallantly and unselfishly aided a hot young Dominican nun to lose her virginity on the grassy knoll! Do you celebrate your virility by:
A: Rushing down to the nearest 9-11 to purchase a packet of strawberry flavoured Fourex?
B. Rushing down to the nearest liquor store to purchase a six pack of Holy Communion?
C. Getting your second wind and immediately head to the Dealey Plaza underpass where you swear you spotted a Lassie doll?
D. Realising that your manly conquest was in reality a crassy goal and head to the nearest Irish bar to enjoy a pint o’ Guinness?
Question 9.
You are leaving New Zealand to visit your alcoholic uncle O’Shamus O’O’ Toole in County Cork! What do you purchase for him at Duty Free?
A couple of tins of jellied Tuatara?
A homespun Kokako smoking jacket?
A stuffed and rear mounted albino Giant Spotted Kiwi?
A large collectible Mercedes Benz chassis pole?
Question 10.
“Knock …. knock….. knock!!!
Who’s there man?
J. Edgar Hoover man!
J. Edgar Hoover?
Yeah man!
No J. Edgar Hoover’s not here man!”
Is this conversation extremely :
A. Secretive?
B. Original?
C. Silly?
D. Erotic?
Nota Bene !
Absolutely no correspondence whatsoever will be entertained regarding the professional credentials of the Editor, reporting staff, SuperMoo the Karamea Wonder Dog and all the other ruff rolph associated with disseminating the trivial nonsense printed under strict copyright of The Rongolian Star and its associated business interests!
The release of all highly classified information contained within this quiz has received prior approval of the Dallas County Mayor’s office and the Warren Commission!!! Arf arf!!!
Signed U.S. Army Lieutenant Brassy Col.
1963
No. 1 on the Texas hit parade!!!
“I shot the President!” by Weird Al Yankovich (unfortunately later bastardised by Eric Clapton!!!)
A New Zealand Government Department authorised by a covertly suspicious and deliberately rhetorical Act of Parliament and compounded by a tacit Royal Approval to receive Official Complaints!
By Raving Reporter Товарищ Самсон Казаков
Office Manager: Red Scarlett
Senior Complaints Officer: Adolf Eichmann Esquire
Office Receptionist: Miss Triple X!
Tea Strumpet: Moanika Lewinsky
Office Minstrel: Rolex Harrasss
Office Muttley: SuperMoo the Karamea Wonder Dog
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Karamea Ministry of Red Tape offices, Market Cross, Karamea, Friday October 25th 0915hrs
“Radio Karamea 107.5 FM and the Rongo Hit Parade with DJ Hooters!
…..Tie me kangaroo down sport, tie me kangaroo down!
Screw me blue when I’m thru Stew, screw me blue when I’m thru!
Spank me hide when I’m dead Fred, spank me hide when I’m dead!……
Miss Triple X!: Wow! I just love B and D music!
Adolf Eichmann Esquire: Ist goot song!!
Rolex Harrasss: I wrote that song after me mother in law got totally shagged by a large Caterpiller digger!
Adolf Eichmann Esquire: Ya??? Playing it again Uncle Samuel!!
Red Scarlett: Attention!!!!! Ok troops we have our first customer for the day! Combat alert!
Bodgie Mactavish: You’re a complete bastard Jimmy! Oi oi oi!!!
Adolf Eichmann Esquire: Having ze bad hair day kamerad????
Bodgie MacTavish: Are you a bloody Kraut, Jock????
Adolf Eichmann Esquire: Ve ask ze qvestions!!!!
Bodgie Mactavish: I want to make a bloody official complaint!!!!!
Adolf Eichmann Esquire: Regarding vot schwein hundt???
Bodgie Mactavish: The German bloody football team!! They’re absoloute bloody shite!!!!
KABOOM!!!!!
Adolf Eichmann Esquire: Vanker dumbkopf!!!
Rolex Harrasss: Skills cobba!!! A precise nasal incision, dissecting his sinuses, severing the carotted artery, exiting the rear temporal lobe and scoring a neat double tops on the office dart board!!!!!
Moanika Lewinsky: Cup of tea?????
Adolf Eichmann Esquire: Danke schoen fraulein!!!!
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
“Radio Karamea 107.5 FM News Flash with DJ Pukeko!!!!
“The Prime Minister of New Zealand, the Right Honourable John Key, National Party Member of Parliament for Remuera and the Minister in charge of the Security Intelligence Service and the Government Communications Services Bureau; in Wellington today publicly stated …blah..blah…blah…..:
Karamea Weather with DJ Tokov
“Bonza today! Get out the Barbie and give it a bit of slap and tickle, May the sauce be with you!!!
And now exclusive on Radio Karamea 107.5 FM Rolex Harrasss recorded live on this week’s Rongo 5ooth Blues Show!”
The Big Man: Do we have to play this turkey???
DJ Crap: He’ll be good for the ratings!!!
The Big Man: Naval ratings??
DJ Crap: Originally recorded by “The Divinyls” the one and only Rolex Harrasss live singing “I Touch Myself”!!!
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Karamea Ministry of Red Tape offices
Rolex Harrasss: You know, it was the proudest moment of my life to sing that song personally to Her Majesty the Queen at her Palace Halloween Piggy Party!!!
Adolf Eichmann Esquire: Bringing tears to my eyes kamerad!!!
SuperMoo: Awwrrooooooooo!!!!
Moanika Lewinksy: Sniffle……..sniffle……….
Miss Triple X: Boo hoo!!!
Red Scarlett: Dear God! I have a serious run in my pantyhose! Do you see me teary eyed!
Rolex Harrasss: Allow me!! I am an expert with young ladies hosiery!!!
Red Scarlett: Et tu Rolex!!!!!!! Get your hand out of my crotch!!!
Adolf Eichmann Esquire: Nein fraulein! Ist goot photo opportunity!!!!!!
FLASH!!!!!!!
Rolex Harass: Did you get my best side????
Whip……whip…….whip……whip….
Red Scarlett: Miss Triple X!!!! Jesus Christ the son of Mary!!!! Why are you whipping SuperMoo???
SuperMoo: Awwrooooooo!!!!!
Moanika Lewinsky: Wow!!! I’ve never seen a dog smile before!!!!
“Radio Karamea 107.5 FM
…I’m living on dog food……………”
SuperMoo: Awwroooooo!!!!
Red Scarlett: Attention!!! Urgent departmental intelligence briefing now in session!!
Adolf Eichmann Esquire: Ya!!
Red Scarlett: Now, I must have your complete and undivided attention!! Listen very carefully!! The Rongolian Star cryptic crossword, fourteen down.. “A fiery enigma not to be trifled with French heresy!”
Miss Triple X!: Rubber truncheon!!!
Rolex Harasss: Two little boys!!!
Moanika Lewinsky: Cunning linguist!!!!
Red Scarlett: Thirteen letters!!!
Adolf Eichmann Esquire: Kamerad Nostradamus’ prophecy…. ARMAGEDDONKOV!!!!
Red Scarlett: Dolf!!! Brilliant!!!
“Radio Karamea 107.5 FM
“……….I’m Jake ze Peg viz ze extra leg……………….”
Rolex Harrasss: They’re playing my song!!!!!!!!!!!!
A New Zealand Government Department authorised by a deliberately rhetorically and covertly suspicious Act of Parliament and compounded by a tacit Royal Approval to receive Official Complaints!
By Raving Reporter Товарищ Самсон Казаков
Office Manager: Red Scarlett
Director of Intelligence: Hanoi Doris
Senior Complaints Manager: Sheikov El Judas
Office Receptionist: Victoria Cross
Tea Hostess: Yowserkova Hot Momma III
Office Sheep in Wolf’s Clothing: Supermoo the Karamea Wonder Dog!
Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Offices Market Cross, Karamea Monday September 9th 9 a.m.
Red Scarlett : Attention : Look here comes our first customer for the day!
Silvio Paparazzi: Bongiorno!
Victoria Cross: Welcome to the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape sir!
Silvio Paparazzi: Grazi!
Victoria Cross: You are desirous of making a complaint pertinent to a matter of public indignity sir?
Silvio Paparazzi: Si!
Victoria Cross: An official complaint sir?
Silvio Paparazzi: Si!
Victoria Cross : The nature and content of your complaint sir?
Silvio Paparazzi: Scuzi?
Victoria Cross: Your official *%$@*!!@! complaint !
Silvio Paparazzi: Pardona?
KABOOM!!!!!!!!!
Yowserkova Hot Momma III: Wow! Italian men really do have spaghetti for brains!
Red Scarlett: Achtung!!! No official complaint, no fee, no execution!!!
Victoria Cross: Oopskov!!!
Red Scarlett: I will handle the next complainant and demonstrate the correct protocols required to take an official complaint and extort the requisite outrageously exorbitant fee!
Yowserkova Hot Momma III: Cup of tea???
Red Scarlett: Before we have morning tea, please get a vacuum cleaner and clean up Mr. Pizzeria from the office carpet!
Vroooooom …..slurp!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Radio Karamea 107.5 FM!
Breaking News with DJ Sausage!
“ The Karamea Four Square has just been robbed of all remaining stocks of Whittaker’s Chocolate Dark Extra Cacao. The young robbers armed with badminton racquets and all wearing Daniel Quayle clown masks fled on a stolen caterpillar digger and were last seen running into the Karamea School Library! Police Swat Team Leader Sergeant John McLean stated “ Karamea School will be cordoned off after this morning’s Story Time reading of Winnie the Poohkov!”
Asked by Radio Karamea “ Pourquoi???”
Sgt McLean’s official reply “ Pourquoi pas???”
Karamea Weather with DJ Fukyoushima
Karamea weather!
Stratified cloud at various altitudes will drift slowly away from the horizon by late morning!!!
Rain progressing from spasmodic to intermittent to persistent to torrential to influential to apolitical … blah…blah…blah….
Remember!!! Slipper, Slopper, Slapper!
“God save our gracious queen.blah.blah.blah.”
Karamea Minstry of Red Tape 4 p.m.
Ned: Yeah gidday!
Red Scarlett: Welcome to the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape this beautifully fine Monday!
Ned: Bonza sheila! Fancy a shag?
Red Scarlett: I have subconciously transcended the notional concept of physical lust and seek intellectual Nirvana in the ethereal realms of meditative contemplation!!!
Ned: Christ!!! You’re a bloody virgin!!!!
Red Scarlett: Do you wish to file a complaint my good gentleman?
Ned: Yeah! Some bushranger nicked me digger from outside the supermarket this morning!
Red Scarlett: Have you visited the Karamea Police sir?
Ned: Are you joking me babe?!?!
Red Scarlett: Many apologies! Let me find an official complaint form!
Ned: Got a light Sheila?
Red Scarlett: No smoking on official New Zealand government premises!
Ned: Can I chew gum?
Red Scarlett: Of course!
Ned: Scruncha….scruncha…scruncha……
Red Scarlett: Here we go! Karamea Ministry of Red Tape official complaint form
111/9………..”Aussie yobbo has his digger pinched outisde the Karamea Four Square by three young hoodlums armed with badminton racquets and all wearing Daniel Quayle clown masks!!!”
Ned: That’s yobbo with two b’s!
Red Scarlett: The fee for your official complaint can be paid for with crocodile skin, Whittakers Chocolate Extra Cacao Macadamia or Coober Pedy opals!
Ned: Strewth!! Haven’t shot a croc in anger since last Melboune Cup Day, my chocolate stays in me swag and me missu shot thru with the family jewels!
Red Scarlett: What authentic collateral do you have then?
Ned: Just me FJ Holden parked there over the road outside the RSA!
Red Scarlett: Wow!@!!!!!
Sheikov El Judas: Schnell Vagon !!!!!
Victoria Cross: Incredoible!!!!!
Super Moo: Arf arf!!!!
Sheikov El Judas: Ve cannot possibly accept such a priceless objet d’art as collateral but now zat you have established your financial credentials, ze Karamea Ministry of Red Tape is prepared to extend you unlimited credit, interest free, tax free and with no legal obligation to make any repayment whatsoever for ze rest of your natural life! Sign here kamerad !
Ned: E….d…..w..a..r..d…..K…e…l..l..y! What’s the catch?
Sheikov El Judas : You are obligated to take the entire staff of the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape on a crutch cruise up the main street! Pronto!!
Ned : All aboard!!!!!
Vrrooom…..vrroooom………
Hanoi Doris: Alrighty!!!!!
Red Scarlett: Yowser!!!
Sheikov El Judas: Shtein Lager!!!!!!!!!
Supermoo: Arf arf!!!!!!!!!!
VROOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Radio Karamea 107.5 FM
“ Don’t you ever let a chance go by…………………..”
Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Staff Intelligence Briefing Staff Cafe 1630hrs!
Hanoi Doris: Does anyone have the answer to 3 across in this mornings Rongolian Star cryptic crossword? Naughty but nice, leaning towards Moscow!
Victoria Cross: Bitch???
Red Scarlett: Hokey Pokey???
Hanoi Doris: Five letters!!!
Sheikov El Judas: Porky????
Yowserkova Hot Momma III: Fukov!!!!
Red Scarlett: Can we have this week’s classified intelligence and covert operations report?
Hanoi Doris: The Government Communication Services Bureau are close to cracking our internet scam to fleece Nigerian play school children!!!!
Sheikov El Judas: Shize strasse!!!!!
Red Scarlett: Covert operations????
Hanoi Doris: The Karamea Ministry of Red Tape has today, employed two street kids to act as lookouts in case of any unexpected visit by the FUZZ! Their code names are Grasshopper and Jelloo!
Jelloo: Pleased to be working for such honourable institution!
Grasshopper: Can we be paid in roubles????
Red Scarlett: Attention!!!
Grasshopper: What for? Are we going to get a medal???
Hanoi Doris: Your job is to to be on combat alert at all times!! One wolf whistle for Jehovah’s Witnesses, two for the Filth, three for the Serious Fraud Unit and four for my mother in law!!!
Red Scarlett : Any questions????
Jelloo: What does radioactive mean????
Red Scarlett: Why do you ask???
Jelloo: I found this silver canister floating in the Karamea River this morning!!!!
Hanoi Doris: sTRonTiuM….. nInE….. Tea!!!
Red Scarlett: EVACUATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aaaghhhhh!! Aaaggghhhhh!! Aaaaaggghh!!
Jelloo: Oi!! Don’t eat all the gingernuts!!!!!!!!
Grasshopper: Munch…munch…Richard Head!!!! I said write STRONTIUM 90!!!!!!!!!
DJ Crap and the Big Man: Blues Show: Wednesday Night from 8:00 p.m. on Karamea Radio 107.5 FM
Off the Top of My Head
By Paul Murray
Karamea Radio was launched in September 2004 by a group of Karamea locals who thought it might be a good idea to set up a community radio station. Craig Stenhouse had previously been involved with creating a similar radio station down the West Coast in Punakaiki and knew how to go about getting a transmitter and the other necessary equipment together and connecting it all up…other people including Stu Mollison, James Rae, Raramai Adcock, Tony Ibbotson, myself and a few others got the $$$ together and helped it happen.
The station was initially set up in the main street of Karamea in an old shop, but this venue proved inadequate and the equipment was soon moved to the shed at the back of Rongo Backpackers & Gallery, where it remains today.
Karamea Radio plays music non-stop. Radio shows, public service announcements, local news and weather reports and radio interviews break up the music and the station also provides an important community service by permitting the rapid dissemination of information in the event of a civil defence emergency. Information about floods, earthquakes, tsunami, fire etc can be quickly and effectively broadcast to warn Karamea residents of any danger and advise on the best course of action to mitigate harm to themselves and their properties.
The arrival of Brian “Big Man” Thomson in 2005 saw the radio station transcend its humble beginnings and really take shape as a serious radio station. The Big Man donated a computer, an amplifier, speakers and some other key equipment that took the radio to a new level. Tristan Lockerbie had the idea of giving the radio station, which had previously been in the Rongo Theatre, its own room…so we cleaned out the old coal store and made it the radio studio. Tristan built the benches for the equipment and it was all moved into its current location in the spring 2006.
Soon after the move, Paul Murray and Brian Thomson got together to start the world famous (in Karamea) DJ Crap & the Big Man Blues Show, which is the longest-running show on Karamea Radio. Since January 2005, DJ Crap and the Big Man have put on a show every Wednesday night without fail and the show now has many fans locally and around the world. Other notable DJs from the early days of Karamea Radio include DJ T (Tjalve Mollison-Sjöberg) who used to come down after school and do a show. Dave Bateman rose to Karamea Radio fame with the controversial “Bigga than Bateman Show,” which made up in hilarity what it lacked in political correctness…Bigga left the district for a couple of years to live in the ghost town of Otira, but he’s back now and more incorrigible than ever…tune in for a giggle on Monday nights. Random and Casual make random and causal appearances as well…with guests Weaver D and others…DJ Obewan takes up the coveted Friday night slot…DJ Echo owns Saturday night and Kathy Ramsay plays awesome Kiwi music and old blues on Sunday afternoons with the “Stranded in Paradise” show.
Many visiting musicians have also played live in the radio station; Luke Hurley, Paul Ubana Jones, Karen Hunter, Vibrasics, BellBirds, Nigel Gavin, Richard Adams, Steve Abel, Tony McIver, Panda, Erin, DelGirl, Hot Club Sandwich and many, many others have played for the people of Karamea Live on 107.5.
The Karamea Area School media studies class also used to come to the studio to put their skills into practice and get a feel for the medium of radio and guests often do radio shows while they are staying at Rongo Backpackers & Gallery and introduce music from all over the world to the Karamea airwaves. Karamea Radio and the opportunity to be a radio DJ has become a feature of the hostel and many have enjoyed the opportunity to express their musical tastes and personal opinions on radio.
Karamea Community Coordinator Rick Lucas provided the region with the most popular Karamea Radio show of all time with his series of interviews with local celebrities. Rick did 12 radio interviews that attracted a lot of new listeners to the radio station and DJ Crap has continued the live radio interviews with a series of on air chats with candidates for the local Council elections Sheryl Rhind and Garry Howard and visitors to Karamea, including West Coast Conservation Board Chairman Stewart Robinson and Brando Yelavich, who is attempting to be the first person to circumnavigate New Zealand’s coastline on foot.
Thousands of LP records and singles have been donated to the station as well as digital files from the music collections of may Rongo guests. Karamea Radio has a musical collection that would rival commercial radio stations worldwide. An incredible donation of awesome records came from N.Z. poet Rod Morris, who loaded up his small Japanese hatchback car with his entire record collection and drove to Karamea from Hamilton to donate the records to Karamea Radio. When he arrived at Rongo, he was barely visible in his car that was loaded to the front back and sides to the roof with vinyl. He dropped off his collection, stayed the night and then drove back to Hamilton…thanks Rod!
Another guest donated a musical collection that continues to give today. The 1001 best albums from the 1950s through to 2002 contains some incredible music from the best bands of the last century…I forget the name of the donor…but thanks a lot…we have enjoyed listening to much of the 80GB file and have a lot more to get through!
In the summer of 2012, a little man from the “Ministry of Social and Economic Development” arrived (unannounced) with radio testing equipment to measure the Karamea Radio signal. With some concern for the future of the station, Paul Murray, the owner of Rongo Backpackers & Gallery showed him through the station and assisted with the testing. The outcome was disappointing…Karamea Radio was deemed to be within legal broadcasting limits and given the thumbs up to continue doing so. The radio was considered by all concerned as a “Pirate” station, but it was in fact operating legally, so we survived government scrutiny and the station continues to provide entertainment, information, amusement and enjoyment for the people of Karamea.
Being legal opened up new opportunities for the station and with the help of Chris Diack from the New Zealand Radio Network, established a means of recording Karamea Radio shows. This has enabled the shows to be uploaded to the Internet as podcasts so that people outside of Karamea can download and listed to Karamea Radio shows. Given that Rongo hosts travellers from over 50 countries per year, a lot of people around the world, who have experienced Karamea Radio while staying at Rongo, can now listen to 107.5 FM in their respective countries. Karamea Radio shows are now uploaded the following day to SoundCloud as well as being repeated during the day on Karamea Radio.
This initiative has elevated the status of Karamea Radio and significantly broadened the station’s listenership and audience.
So, in celebration of nine years of non-stop broadcasting, I thank all the people involved in the establishment of Karamea Radio and look forward to a bright future for what is quite possibly the World’s Best Radio Station.
In March 2012, Dave Tailby arrived in Karamea at the top of the West Coast of the South Island of New Zealand to become the first LivinginPeace Project (LiPP) Permaculture Farm Manager.
The LivinginPeace Project incorporates the elements of Art, Travel, Permaculture and Education into a sustainable business. The projects includes a backpackers hostel, motel complex, permaculture farm, art gallery, radio station, permaculture and art courses, a transport service, the Global Gypsy Gallery: a cafe, organic food and recycled clothing shop.
Already an accomplished organic gardener, builder and alternative energy specialist after spending his life living off the land and striving for energy efficiency and self-sufficiency, Dave did a Permaculture Design Course at the Permaculture Research Institute Zaytuna Farm in Australia with Geoff Lawton in 2011 on the suggestion of his father. He returned to New Zealand full of inspiration and keen to put the theoretical principles of permaculture he’d learned in to practice.
One goal of the LiPP is to apply permaculture principles to the business to maximise energy efficiency and minimise the environmental impact of the venture. Dave’s challenge was to develop the permaculture farm to produce enough fresh fruit, vegetables and meat to turn into meals to feed customers at the accommodation facilities all year round. The motivation for this was manifold. Locally produced food is significantly more energy efficient as there are no food miles or transport costs associated in getting it from the farm to the plate.
So rather than importing all the people as tourists and travellers and then importing all the food to feed them while they are staying with us, a great efficiency gain can be made by growing the food on our farm. The food quality is also higher as is it freshly harvested and soon on the table in front of our guests.
Dinner from the farm at Rongo: A Feast of locally grown, organic, freshly harvested, organic, nutritious, delicious food…and plenty of it!
This approach is also a sound business idea as farm produce can be value added by converting it into meals and providing customers with a high quality meal at a reasonable price. This way enables the farmer to go direct to market without having wholesaler and retailer clipping the food price ticket along the supply chain. As a result, the LivinginPeace Project is able to produce top quality, locally grown meals for its customers at a price that doesn’t include the surcharges of the commercial supply chain.
For example, a farmer may be able to sell a pumpkin to a vegetable market for $3, the wholesaler then sells it to a retailer for $3.50, the retailer sells it to the restaurateur for $5 and the restaurant makes it into serves it up in to the customer for $10. The farmer provides the same pumpkin to the LiPP team, they make it into 10 bowls of pumpkin soup and serve it fresh to their customers for $5 per bowl and receive a $50 (less costs) return on the pumpkin. The proceeds of the pumpkin are used to directly pay the people producing the food and the meals. The customers are also happy as they have received a top quality, freshly harvested, nutritious, healthy, organic and delicious meal for half the price they’d pay for the same thing at a traditional restaurant.
(Actually, the same thing is not available at restaurants as the freshness is not possible due to the time it takes for the pumpkin to pass through the supply chain…at the LivinginPeace Project, we can serve soup from a pumpkin that was growing a few hours before)
In the summer of 2012, filmmakers Elise London and Louca Mee made a short film that captures well the essence of the LiPP. On the film, Dave reveals his creative garden design. It’s a giant flower, the beds are petals and they all radiate around the central disc, which he made into a peace sign, which is all very much in line with the central tenet of the LiPP. Back in 2012, the garden design was a paper concept, today it exists in reality and Dave, with the help of the LiPP crew, volunteers from all over the world, his partner Amanda and her kids Charlie and Naomi, Dave has taken a good idea and made it happen.
In addition to setting up the LiPP vegetable gardens, that will feed thousands of people over the coming years, Dave has also established hot-composting system that supplies the farm with a regular supply of nutritious living compost, a fruit forest to supply seasonal fruits all year round, a woodlot to produce firewood to heat buildings and water, designed a livestock husbandry system for the sheep flock, to built a pond for the ducks and conducted two Permaculture Design Courses to pass on his knowledge and experience to students from Canada, France, the United States, Japan, New Zealand and Germany and represented the LiPP at the Permaculture Convergence in Turangi and at the Nelson Eco-Fest in in 2012. He also conducted the first LiPP Permaculture Farm Internship in 2013. Intern Heather Andrews, a graduate from the 2013 LiPP Permaculture Design Course, had this to say about the internship.
“I’ve thoroughly enjoyed my 6 week internship at the LivingInPeace Project on all levels. Working with Dave has been one of the best work experiences I’ve had. He’s a fantastic teacher—a good communicator with heaps of knowledge and experience, a great sense of humour, a willingness to let you learn by doing, and that skill of all skills, the ability to improvise (aka Kiwi Ingenuity). He makes a workday FUN, which is as good as work gets, really!
I got to learn about sheep care, safe chainsaw practices and maintenance, preparing and planting permaculture garden beds, making fast and slow compost, planting support species and young fruit trees, gathering kelp for use in fertilization, harvesting driftwood for firewood, using chickens as orchard conditioners and fertilizers, cobbing a rocket stove using homemade cob, and more.
The cottage accommodation was absolutely lovely—quiet, surrounded by trees, comfortable and cosy. I loved harvesting vegetables and herbs from the garden to eat, and one of my favourite memories will be sharing meals with Dave and staff at Rongo’s. I am endlessly grateful to Dave, Paul, and all the staff at Rongo’s for this fantastic experience, it has been a highlight of my time in New Zealand and one I’ll treasure forever. Thank you, thank you!!!”Heather Andrews
7 July 2013
Dave’s warmth, compassion for others and great sense of humour made working on the farm a lot of fun. His passion for permaculture combined with his practical knowledge and experience and his Trojan work ethic saw the LiPP farm develop rapidly during his tenure as farm manager and we are very grateful for his dedicated effort.
Dave has left the LivinginPeace Project with a beautiful permaculture garden that will produce food for people coming to stay with us and helped to establish the project as a centre of excellence for permaculture learning and application. Dave will continue his permaculture journey from his home base in Motueka and will always be remembered as a driving force behind the permaculture facet of the LiPP. Thank you Dave from everyone you inspired, made laugh and shared your love with during your time at the LiPP…Happy Trails Old Mate!
Paul Murray is the founder of the LivinginPeace Project, which was launched in 2003 and has taken flight with the help of hundreds of creative people from all over the world.
1. The Royal baby traces by regal lineage to which Royal House?
a. House of the Rising Sun!
b. Dr. House!
c. Haunted House!
d. Bauhaus!
2. The Royal baby’s bloodlines reveal that he is is closely related to which notable member of the aristocracy?
a. King Kong!
b. Prince!
c. Duke Ellington!
d. Freddie Mercury from Queen!
3. Which gregarious pet is Auntie Camilla most likely to acquire for the Royal baby?
a. A carnivorous Hefferlump as described in “Winnie the Pookhov”!
b. A rabid anti royalist boa constrictor with an unwhetted appetite for gobbling little kiddies!
c. A large friendly timber wolf with extremely large fangs and a SuperSizeMe attitude!
d. Another pathetic mindless dribbling potential road kill corgi!
4. Which British band is most likely to come out of retirement to produce a dedication song for the Royal snotgobbler?
a. Run DDT!
b. Flock of Rhinoceroces!
c. Pet Shop Boyos!
d. Frankie Goes to Vladivostok!
5. A plant species will be named after the Royal baby! Can you name the potential candidate?
a. See weed!
b. Ugly Fruit!
c. Venus Fly Trap!
d. Amorphallus!
6. Which sport is the Royal baby most likely to pursue?
a. Rat rugger!
b. Peek a boob!
c. Professional darts!
d. Irish bungy!
7. Which nearly defunct toy will gain instant popularity once the announcement of the Royal birth is made public?
a. Gazoo!
b. Golliwog!
c. Noddy!
d. Toyboy!
8. Which religion is the Royal baby most likely to choose?
a. Hindi 500!
b. Bra Man!
c. Fund A Mentalist Hairy Krishna!
d. Secular Astral Eckankar!
9. Which song is the most likely to be the Royal baby’s favourite lullaby?
a. Tricycle by Queen!
b. Gang Bang Style!
c. I’m a Little Tea Pot by Nana Mouskouri!
d. Russian National Anthem as sung by the Red Army choir with accompaniment by the Saint Petersburg Academy Symphony Orchestra!
10. Which make of car is the Royal son most likely to take on dates with well endowed young ladies of questionable reputation?
a. Lada!
b. Skoda!
c. Convertible FJ Holden!
d. Shaggin Waggon!
11. Name the most likely godfather for the Royal baby!
a. Sir Alec Fergusson!
b. Sir Ericlapton Fergusson!
c. Sir Alfred E Neuman Fergusson!
d. Sir Massey Fergusson!
12. How long will it take for the poor humble peasants of Uttar Pradesh to become extremely bored from hearing about the Royal birth?
a. Never!!!!
b. New York Minute!
c. Que?
d. Dave? Dave’s not here man!
The managerial and editorial staff of The Rongolian Star make no apology whatsoever for any unintentional onimatopoeia, hyperbole, errors in syntax or lack of human compassion contained within this quiz!
WikiPedia: Bryan Lewis Saunders (born 1969, in Washington, D.C.) is a performance artist, videographer, and performance poet known for his disturbing spoken word rants, tragic art performances and Stand up tragedy.
Saunders recently loaded himself up on a range of different drugs and did a self-portrait while under the influence. The resultant artworks represent the altered perception of his self-image caused by the different drugs.
On day 173 of his epic attempt to walk the coastline of New Zealand, intrepid 19-year old traveller Brando Yelavich arrived at Rongo Backpackers & Gallery in Karamea at the top of the West Coast of the South Island.
Brando Yelavich
Yelavich began his journey at Cape Reinga at the very tip of the North Island and walked his way down the West Coast to Wellington. He then flew to Picton with Sounds Air, who offered him a free flight and began paddling around the convoluted coastline of Marlborough Sounds and D’Urville Island visiting all the coves. Eventually arriving in Nelson, he again donned his boots (provided by main sponsor Scarpa NZ) and walked up through Golden Bay to Collingwood, around Cape Farewell and down the rugged Kahurangi Coast to Karamea.
While at Rongo, Yelavich agreed to a radio interview with DJ Crap on Karamea Radio 107.5 FM to discuss his ambitious tramp, experiences along the way, his motivations and insights from the many hours of solitude he has experienced as he makes his way around New Zealand on the coast, on foot.
Education for Yelavich was difficult. He was diagnosed early in his school life with ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) and is dyslectic, He had difficulty following classes to the point that he gave up and became rebellious and recalcitrant.
He left school early and at a loose end after a series of unfulfilling jobs and having his application to join the N.Z. Army rejected because of his dyslexia, he found an entry-level position with an advertising company. Standing on the side of the road in a sandwich board promoting Canterbury Clothing Co to the passersby at minimum wage afforded him an opportunity for personal introspection and life contemplation. Yelavich decided to take his future by the horns.
So, armed with a crossbow, a copy of Andrew Crowe’s “Field Guide to the Native Edible Plants of New Zealand” and a 35kg pack loaded with the essentials of survival, Brandon bade his supportive parents and his girlfriend of three weeks, Auckland schoolgirl Ella-Rose Bilham, farewell and headed off on his quest to become the first person to successfully circumnavigate New Zealand’s rugged coastline on foot.
Along the way, he has been encouraged and assisted by benevolent folk he has met on his journey. People have offered him food, accommodation, which he gratefully accepts. He’s also been offered rides in vehicles passing by, which he graciously rejects, as he is determined to walks the entire coast without such assistance.
He has only met one person who was less than helpful. Apparently, along the West Coast of the North Island, he inadvertently wandered onto Maori tribal land and was escorted to the boundary by a gruff gentleman who definitely considered the foreshore to be sacred Maori property.
With a little financial support from his family, Yelavich is essentially living off the land and sea on his way around the coast. He forages for edible plants, seeds, ferns, fruit and nuts, catches fish and uses his crossbow to hunt and kill animals for food. He is cleaning up some vermin along the way and has eaten a lot of possum, killed a few goats, rabbits, pigs and almost had a deer, which he shot and chased until it crossed a river that he was unable to ford and he had the agonizing hunting experience of seeing an animal die slowly at his hand…and the frustration of hungrily watching his dinner being so inaccessibly close.
Some of the more exotic dinners he has sampled include a weta he found in his boot one morning, “I wouldn’t recommend weta…they definitely taste prehistoric,” he said. Apparently, he saw the weta as an opportunity for protein to fuel his travels, however, crunching it up and swallowing it proved counterproductive as he then lost the previous evenings dinner after the peculiar piquancy of the weta disagreed with his constitution.
He also created some media controversy after admitting to having killed and eaten a seagull, which he claims was one of his tastier dinners. When this was reported in the Nelson Mail, many letters to the editor were received. Yelavich was quick to point out that the bird was in fact a black-backed gull, which are not protected and can be killed and eaten, especially as a means of survival.
The Yelavich family is very supportive of Brando’s quest. Todd Yelavich, an Auckland real-estate agent, is flying to Karamea to spend a few days catching up with his son while he rests in a comfortable bed and enjoys some more traditional meals courtesy of the Last Resort. Todd Yelavich will accompany his son on the Karamea to Westport leg of the journey to glean some understanding of the rigour of his quest and spend some quality time supporting his adventurous son as he heads south along the rugged West Coast toward Fiordland.
Todd considers it a proactive and positive step in the right direction for his son and thinks opportunities will abound for Brando once he completes his adventurous journey. “I’m calling it his university,” he said in an interview with TVNZ.
Brando also hopes his journey will inspire other young people to follow their dreams and realise the importance of believing in yourself. He has this message for the youth of New Zealand,
“In life, everyone can succeed. We’re not all good at academics though…don’t let that hold you back. Find something that you’re good at and you enjoy…all you need in life is to be happy, that’s the true secret to life…and yes, it’s as simple as being happy, just be you, just go with it…live your dreams and escape from the grasps of todays society…you’re the future, I’m the future, nothing can stop us, so what are you waiting for?”
Yelavich is also raising money for Ronald McDonald House, a charity that offers financial support to parents with sick children. So far, he has collected $5,266 and has a goal to raise $10,000 for the organisation, which he chose as a charity providing valuable service to people in need. To donate money to help Brando Yelavich toward his goal, please visit www.supportbrando.co.nz and give generously. To assist Brando with his personal expenses (and to save some seagulls and wetas) drop into your bank and deposit or online transfer some $pondoolie to Brando’s personal account:
“My name is Brandon Yelavich and I am circumnavigating New Zealand’s Beautiful coast lines (cross-country). I will be climbing, walking, running and swimming plus who knows what other crazy stuff I may come across. I am determined to live off the land, catching fish, wild birds, wild rabbits and whatever else I can get my hands on. I have a guide to all of the edible plants to also help me out along the way. I am doing this for the Ronald McDonald house Charities NZ to raise money and awareness for all the children and families who are under their care. The total distance is about 6000+ KM.”
‘I went to every town and I’m sure that I found the right girl’: How a 21-year-old thrill-seeker who became the first person to walk the circumference of New Zealand unexpectedly found love on his journey
Brando Yelavich, 21, began his treck around New Zealand when he was 19
He became the first person to walk around the country’s entire coastline
400 days into his 600 day journey he met his girlfriend Ngaio
He says he never expected to find love on his adventure
The pair have been together for over a year now and live with each other
Mr Yelavich walked the 7000km coastline with just a 50 kilo backpack
When New Zealand local Brando Yelavich set off on his wild adventure around New Zealand, he had never planned on meeting the love of his life along the way.
Mr Yelavich, 21, became the first person to walk around the entire 7,000 kilometre coastline of New Zealand, setting off solo at just 19 with a 50 kilo backpack and plans to live off the land.
However, just 400 days into his 600 day adventure, Mr Yelavich met a man called Brett Gregory while walking through Hahei, who had him over for tea and invited him to stay at his home as long as it was okay with his daughter Ngaio, 23.
Unexpected love: Brando Yelavich, 21, found love while adventuring around the New Zealand coastline
Coincidence: Mr Yelavich met Ngaio Gregory, 23, when her dog showed up at his camping ground
‘I gave him my number and left, and headed down the coast, I didn’t really think anything was going to happen,’ Mr Yelavich told Daily Mail Australia.
Later that day, a dog showed up at Mr Yelavich’s campsite which bared a striking resemblance to the dog he had seen Brett’s house.
‘An hour later Brett’s daughter, Ngaio, rung up to say I couldn’t stay because she was going to be home late and I said to her ‘I think I have your dog’,’ Mr Yelavich said.
Instant attraction: Mr Yelavich asked Ms Gregory out for pizza and wine and ‘the rest is history’ he says
New companion: Mr Yelavich met Ms Gregory 400 days into his journey, and she joined him when she could
‘She had to pick up her dog from me and she came down to the campground where I was staying and she took me up to the house and we had dinner and I ended up staying in the spare room… I actually saw a photo of her on the wall of the house [when her dad invited me down to the home] and I was pretty happy she invited me back,’ he said.
A few days later, Mr Yelavich invited Ms Gregory out for pizza and wine and says the rest is history.
‘Ngaio followed me up the coast when she could while I finished my journey, but that was only for about 10 days so it started off as quite a long distance relationship,’ Mr Yelavich said.
+8
The one: Mr Yelavich is sure he found the right girl because has been to every town in New Zealand
Making history: Mr Yelavich is the first person to walk around the entire 7000km New Zealand coastline
The adventurer never for a second thought he would find love on his journey but says he is very glad he did.
‘I went to every town in New Zealand and I’m sure that I found the right girl,’ Mr Yelavich said.
The two have now been together for over a year and live with each other at Mr Gregory’s home.
Mr Yelavich documented his journey via Facebook and his personal website, taking photos with his mobile and GoPro which showed him walking down long train tracks, in front of picturesque backdrops and under water.
Riding solo: Mr Yelavich set off on his adventure when he was just 19 with a 50kg backpack
Documented: Mr Yelavich documented his journey online and in his book, Wildboy, which is available now
Mr Yelavich, who struggled with ADHD and dyslexia, dubbed his adventure as his version of conquering the world’s tallest mountain, Mount Everest.
‘I had wanted to circumnavigate the New Zealand coastline for several years – inspired by the movie, Into the Wild,’ he wrote on his website.
‘Because of not achieving at school as a result of ADHD and dyslexia, and not being able to get a decent job I decided to wipe the slate clean and do something great which helps others so I decided to support the Ronald McDonald House Charity (I have always loved kids) and carry out my epic adventure to circumnavigate the New Zealand coastline – over 7000km – living off the land, the sea and the kindness of others.’
Mr Yelavich’s book Wildboy is available worldwide from his website.
Zac Stones and James Hartshorne arrived at Rongo Backpackers & Gallery (www.rongobackpackers.com) on July 17, 2013 after a four-day adventure mountain biking on the Heaphy Track with their Dads Damian and Brent.
The Father and Son Team enjoy a Heaphy Conqueror’s Feast at Rongo Backpackers & Gallery in Karamea after finishing the Heaphy MTB ride.
At nine years old, James is possibly the youngest MTB rider to have completed the Heaphy Track. “It was really cool and I’d definitely do it again,” said James. Zac also had a great time and said, “I’d recommend it to other kids, I can’t wait to do it again and come back to Rongo,” he said. Zac enjoyed best the coastal section of the track from Heaphy Hut to the Kohaihai, while James really liked the downhill section from Mackay Hut to Lewis Hut and the Saxon to Mackay section because it was all frozen and there were icicles along the sides of the track.
Damian and Brent have ridden the track many times, but this was the first time they’d done it with their boys. Zac didn’t fall off once, James had a couple of minor spills along the way, but it was Damian who had the best stack. “I was coming along behind James and watching where he was going and didn’t see the large rock in the middle of the track, which I hit and basically pedalled myself over the handlebars,” he said.
Experienced rider Brent has done the Heaphy about 25 times by himself and usually rides all the way through in one day. However, riding with the boys was a different experience as they spent four days and three nights on the track and could take it easy and enjoy the scenery and really enjoyed the quality time spent with his son. “It was more like a journey than a ride,” he said.
The father-son team were met at the Kohaihai Shelter by the Karamea Connections (www.karameaconnections.co.nz) shuttle and taken to a hot shower at Rongo. After a hot shower, the boys had an origami lesson with Japanese wwoofer Kengo Shimuzu and learned how to make paper cranes, they then became radio DJs and played some records on Karamea Radio, which broadcasts from the radio station in the garage behind Rongo.
Karamea Radio 107.5 FM
The team was then treated to a famous Rongo Heaphy Conqueror’s Feast to celebrate finishing the track. On the menu was homemade focaccia bread with pumpkin soup, roast organic venison and lamb, roast potatoes, kale and carrot salad and kiwifruit sorbet for dessert…all locally grown, organically grown, freshly harvested food grown on the LivinginPeace Project (www.livinginpeace.com) Permaculture Farm, which is associated with Rongo Backpackers & Gallery.
James Hartshorne (left) and Zac Stones proudly display their Heaphy Track MTB completion certificates.
(Left to Right) Damian Stones, Brent Hartshorne, Zac Stones and James Hartshorne
After dinner, the team sat around a bonfire and listened to the DJ Crap and the Big Man Blues Show, which is world famous (in Karamea) as the longest-running radio show on Karamea Radio. The Blues Show is a Wednesday night staple in Karamea and has been broadcast every Wednesday for nine years…tune in any Wednesday night in Karamea to 107.5 FM for blues, news, witty banter and irreverent hilarity.
After a good nights sleep, the crew were up early to farewell Damian who took the Karamea Connections shuttle back to the Kohaihai and rode back to Browns Hut. Brent and the boys took an easier route home. They flew with Adventure Flights Golden Bay: http://www.adventureflightsgoldenbay.co.nz from Karamea Airport back over the Kahurangi National Park along Heaphy Track to their car at Browns Hut.
Zac’s dad Damian left Rongo early with Karamea Connections to ride back through the track
The boys leave Rongo with Brent Hartshorne to meet their flight at Karamea International Airport
Adventure Flights Golden Bay lands the boys and Brent back at Browns Hut at the Collingwood end of the Heaphy where they parked their car five days earlier. (Photo supplied by Adventure Flights Golden Bay)
The rest of their school holidays is unlikely to be as fun as their Heaphy Father and Son adventure. Well done James, Zac, Damian and Brent…thanks a lot for staying with us at Rongo and come on back again any time.
A New Zealand Government Department authorised by a covertly suspicious and deliberately rhetorical Act of Parliament to receive official complaints.
By Rongolian Star Raving Reporter Lewis Arthur Gordon Jackson
Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Offices, Market Cross: June 15th 3.35 p.m.
Chantall St. Clair Oo La La!: Bonjour monsieur, comment vas tu?
Bartimaeus Rasha: Salutations young lady!
Chantall St. Clair Oo La La!: Combien est ce que je peux vous aide ce matin?
Bartimaeus Rasha: I am desirous of making a strenuous complaint about this piece of forged art work wot I purchased this very morning at the Karamea Market Saturday morning market!
Chantall St. Clair Oo La La: Mais non monsiuer! C’est un originale Monsieur Ian Malcolm Baike!!
Chantall St. Clair Oo La La: Really?? So it is not forged??
Bartimaeus Rasha: Non! C’est plus valuable mon ami!
Bartimaeus Rasha: But I looked at the signature and …
Chantall St. Clair Oo La La: Que’est ce que c’est??
Bartimaeus Rasha: Let me put on my spectacles. Mmmm- Signed Ian Malcolm Baike aka Gunny Huck I’ll Be Nothing but a Hound Dog aka Vincent E Neumen aka Bob Rembrandt aka Wee Willie Goldie aka Andy Warthog aka Ludwigga Kombi Van Bend Over!
Murhatroyd Pumpernickel: Excuse me sir, I am Murgatroyd Pumpernickel the Senior Complaints Manager for the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape. I can be of assistance!
Bartimaeus Rasha: Thank you squire!
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: Mmmm! Yes that is indeed Baikes usual signature! I know it very well I have an extremely valuable collection of his 2013 Vulcanised Cheques series with the identical signature!
Bartimaeus Rasha: But look at this painting! This is actually the “The Last Pizza” by Eric Clapton, an extremely significant piece d’extroadinaire which hangs in the Rongo Art gallery!
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: Mmm!!!
Bartimaeus Rasha: I declare this Baike chappy to be a plagiarist and a fake!!!
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: I do believe in actual fact that Comrade Krapton is the plagiarist!!
Bartimaeus Rasha: Really??
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: The Last Pizza” actually by Duncan Baike which you are very fortunate to be holding, was originally commissioned by Hell Pizza for the opening of their new pizzeria in the Wangapeka Valley!
Bartimaeus Rasha: But look at this pizza! It resembles Jake the Peg’s third leg on rye!!
Bartimaeus Rasha: Is Hell Pizza in the Wangapeka Valley still open for business!
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: No! The local God Squad torched it last week after a recent rather raucous Messy Church!
Bartimaeus Rasha: Messy Church??
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: Yes indeed! The local church have a piggy party once a month to attract unrepenting sinners to church??
Bartimaeus Rasha: Is it successful??
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: Definitely! Last week three smashed windows, a bicycle on the roof and some original Duncan Baike graffiti on the notice board!!
Bartimaeus Rasha: So this painting sounds extremely valuable!!
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: Indeed! A perusal and valuation by Sothebys is essential! Do you still wish to file an official complaint??
Bartimaeus Pumpernickel: Well… yes… I paid $500 for this painting and…
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: Grossly undercharged!! You are lucky not be charged with theft by cultural ignorance!
Bartimaeus Rasha: Can I make a complaint about my wife’s cooking then?
Murgatroyd Pumpernickle: Of course!!
Bartimaeus Rasha: Jezebella is such a sarcastic bitch when it comes to cooking!
Murgatroyd Pumpernickle: How so?
Bartimaeus Rasha: When I was diagnosed with incontinence, she cooked Cockaleekie soup for supper!!
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: Hah ha ha!!!
Bartimaeus Rasha: Yesterday! I found out she is having an affair with the local Police Chief!
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: Holy Communion!!!!
Bartimaeus Rasha: I just knew their midnight criminal intelligence briefings on Flagstaff Beach were more than platonic!
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: Do you think they are wise enough to use a condominium??
Bartimaeus Rasha: Yes of course! Perhaps they use the Love Shack at the Karamea Farm Baches!!
Radio Karamea 107.5 FM ……“I shagged the sherriff!!!”
Bartimaeus Rasha: They are playing Jezzabella’s song!!
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: Do you wish to make an official complaint about your wife’s appalling behaviour!
Bartimaeus rasha: Yes!!!!!
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: Let me look in the Karamea Ministry of Red tape Official Complaints Manual..Mmm Here we go:
“Official Complaint 234/23 – Right Plonker who has to wear a nappy so he doesn’t fertilise his socks and who thankfully can’t read the fine print on this complaint form, wishes to make an official complaint about the local gendarme putting an enormously large smile on his wife’s visage because he can’t and in addition whinge about her excellent cooking especially her Pyrannean Pate de Fois Gras!!”
Bartimaeus Rasha: You have experienced Jezzabella’s despicable cooking??
Murgatroyd Pumpernickle: Of course I am the other party to a rather naughty little menage a trois!!
Bartimaeus Rasha: Outrageous!!! My wife, the police mon and Murgatroyd Pumpernickel!!!
Mariam Fares: Cup of tea??
Bartimaeus Rasha: Can I have some raspberyy fizzy?
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: Wow! Mariam! I love your low cut mini skirt!!!
Mariam Fares: Thank you kind sir! Would you like a cuppa!
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: No, but I would like to tell you out my interpretation of The Big Bang Theory!
Mariam Fares: Oooooooh!
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: (whisper ..psst!) (Its all bang and no theory!)
Mariam Fares: I’m free for lunch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bartimaeus Rasha: So Murgatroyd my good man, what outrageous acts do you deviant miscreants indulge in at this menage a trois?
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: We play nude scrabble!!
Bartimaeus Rasha: Nude scrabble!! Bitch!!! I’m dylsexic no wonder I am never invited!!
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: The fee for your complaint is $56,765 plus $1000 Imperial War Tax!!
Bartimaeus Rasha: Daylight robbery!
Kaboom!!
Red Scarlett: Great Shot Chantelle!! In one ear and out the other and … my God and…knocked over that pedestrian across Waverley Street!!
Mariam Fares: Quick go and check her handbag before rigamortis sets in!!
Murgatroyd Pumpernickel: Puff puff puff!!! You only winged her!! But look what I found in her shopping basket, Whittakers Peppermint Chocolate Extra Cacao!!
The Rongolian Star Quiz #5
***The Rongolian Star Quiz is acknowledged by esteemed philosophers of the School of Socrates, Men of Letters and Captains of Industry to be the most ridiculous and mind numbing quiz on the entire planet!!!***
November’s Rongolian Star Quiz prize schedule for ten correct answers:
1st Prize 1 billion air points on any Congo Air flight to the Dallas Book Depository!
2nd Prize A mounted framed original photograph of the sole surviving Congo Air DC3!
3rd Prize Souvenir cap recovered from the wreckage of ill fated Congo Air Flight 101 from Brassierville to Istanbul shot down over Dealey Plaza!
Question 1.
Who really shot JFK?
Question 2.
Professor Bogor Yakkalov, Master of Antiquities from Moscow University, recently discovered the Holy Grail utilised to share the wine at The Last Supper in a dumpster behind the Dallas Book Depository. On the base is the inscription “ קילרוי היה כאן ” Meticulously translated from Mosaic Hebrew this inscription reads :
A. “Kilroy was here!”
B. “ Made in China!”
C. “Vote Republican!”
D. “Other end up!”
Question 3.
Which famous quote was voted best of the 20th century?
Question 4.
Your lying sluttish Sunday school teacher is found by Mormon missionaries in her herb garden completely stoned out of her brains! Do you:
A. Anonymously donate your unpaid taxes to the elders of the Jewish Synagogue?
B. Double check your mother in laws fingerprints are indelibly etched on your wife’s pet rock, before you try to flush it down the loo, then ring Police 911?
C. Pray for her sassy soul?
D. Pause for a moment’s reflective silence, down a gassy skol and enjoy the biggest fart of your entire life?
Question 5.
You accidentally parachute from Congo Air Flight 762 into Beirut Lebanon during Ramadan and a Hizbollah uprising! Do you disguise yourself as:
A. The American Flag?
B. A bottle of Jack Daniels?
C. The second coming of a pork sausage?
D. Uncle Sam?
Question 6.
You incredibly win $27 million in Lotto’s Powerball!!! Do you:
Question 7.
The All Blacks are beaten by the Dallas Cowboys 53-0!!! Are you absolutely:
A. Elated?
B. Deflated?
C. Fellated?
D. Chelated?
Question 8.
You have just gallantly and unselfishly aided a hot young Dominican nun to lose her virginity on the grassy knoll! Do you celebrate your virility by:
A: Rushing down to the nearest 9-11 to purchase a packet of strawberry flavoured Fourex?
B. Rushing down to the nearest liquor store to purchase a six pack of Holy Communion?
C. Getting your second wind and immediately head to the Dealey Plaza underpass where you swear you spotted a Lassie doll?
D. Realising that your manly conquest was in reality a crassy goal and head to the nearest Irish bar to enjoy a pint o’ Guinness?
Question 9.
You are leaving New Zealand to visit your alcoholic uncle O’Shamus O’O’ Toole in County Cork! What do you purchase for him at Duty Free?
Question 10.
“Knock …. knock….. knock!!!
Who’s there man?
J. Edgar Hoover man!
J. Edgar Hoover?
Yeah man!
No J. Edgar Hoover’s not here man!”
Is this conversation extremely :
A. Secretive?
B. Original?
C. Silly?
D. Erotic?
Nota Bene !
Absolutely no correspondence whatsoever will be entertained regarding the professional credentials of the Editor, reporting staff, SuperMoo the Karamea Wonder Dog and all the other ruff rolph associated with disseminating the trivial nonsense printed under strict copyright of The Rongolian Star and its associated business interests!
The release of all highly classified information contained within this quiz has received prior approval of the Dallas County Mayor’s office and the Warren Commission!!! Arf arf!!!
Signed U.S. Army Lieutenant Brassy Col.
1963
No. 1 on the Texas hit parade!!!
“I shot the President!” by Weird Al Yankovich (unfortunately later bastardised by Eric Clapton!!!)
Rate this: