A New Zealand Government Department authorised by Parliamentary Statute and Royal Decree to receive Official Complaints!
Office Manager: Red Scarlett

Red Scarlett
Senior Complaints Officer: Pierre Moustache

Pierre Moustache
Office Secretary: Peach Melba

Peach Melba
Bad Debts Collection: Chopper!

Chopper!
Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Office – Market Cross 9 a.m. Friday morning!

Yuppette Jafa
Yuppette Jafa: ….I..ve … just… run … all the way from Karamea Airport and I wish to make a complaint!
Pierre Moustache: Yo kia ora ! An Official Complaint sis?
Yuppette Jafa: Offal???
Pierre Moustache: Official!!!
Yuppette Jafa: Fish oil???
Pierre Moustache: Official??
Yuppette Jafa: Oh!! Yes!! I wanted to powder my nose and there was nowhere at the airport!
Boo hoo!!
Pierre: Yeah sis! You can powder ya nose out there in our Official El Frisco Boodwa!!
Ten bucks cash eh!!!
Yuppette Jafa: Wow…that is a rather vicious looking Doberman out there!

Chopper!
Pierre: That’s Chopper our Office Enforcer. Don’t worry cuzette he only chews on
Aucklanders eh! Real fussy eater!!
Yuppette Jafa: Oh…but I am an Aucklander!
Pierre Moustache: Right lady! Raise your right hand and repeat after me! “I solemnly swear to uphold the organic values of the Kingdom of Rongolia and agree as a newly ordained citizen of such republic to abide by its Orwellian laws and rather strange customs!!
Yuppette Jafa: Blah blah blah!!
Pierre Moustahce: Choice!!! You are now an official citizen of Rongolia and safe from the jaws of Chopper! BYE!
Yuppette Jafa: Bye???
Pierre: Um… ah… by..by … the .. way.. that is a..ah…rather tasty dress you are wearing today madmoselle!
Yuppette Jafa: Merci monsieur!!
Chopper: Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!! (Chomp… chomp…)
Yuppette: aaaaaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!……..
Red Scarlett: Chopper is rather hungry today!! Who was that!!
Pierre: Yo Bro…an anorexic Jaffette with bad breath!!!
Red Scarlett: Yowser!!! Look at Chopper! He’s starting to foam at the mouth!!!
Pierre: Hey man, that tart from Jafaville must have had rabies eh!!
Red Scarlett: Quick call the vet!
Pierre Moustache: No point cuz! Chopper ate him yesterday while I was taking him for
walkies!!
Red Scarlett: Wait I’ll look in the office manual to see what we should do! Here we go
Karamea Ministry of Red Tape incident 24/2. “Office Mutt contracts an affliction of the Rhaboviridae family of viruses after consuming Jafa guacamole!”
Pierre: ..and???
Red Scarlett: Quote “ Pierre must immediately stick his left hand down Choppers throat and make him regurgitate offending snackette!! Unquote!
Pierre: Bull dust man… you just wrote that down in the manual just now Bro!
Red Scarlett: Are you questioning my integrity and authority??
Pierre Moustache: Whoa…. am I allowed to?
Red Scarlett: Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Staff Direction 5!! “Junior staff must
never and I repeat never question my integrity or authority or your share of office
bribes and free booze will be forfeited to the Saint Scarlett Benevolent Fund!!”
Pierre Moustcahe: Yeah! Stink man! Here Chopper! Good boy….
Chopper: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!! R…A…L….P….H !!!
Pierre Moustache: Yow!!! Aaaagghhhh…..
Red Scarlett: Pierre! Really!! Pull yourself together man!
Beep beep!

Peach Melba
Peach Melba: Yes Boss!!
Red Scarlett: Yes! A cup of tea and two sugars please!
Pierre: Gurgle!!!! aaaaghhh!!!!…..
Red Scarlett: Ah.. yes and a doggie bag for Chopper!!
Peach Melba: Chocolate biscuits???
Red Scarlett: Certainly not!! Chopper ‘s on a strict protein diet!
Baron Von RichToffee: Ya!! Excuse me. I am here to pick up ze Yuppette! I have to fly my Fokker back to Auckland in about 20 minutes!!
Red Scarlett: I beg your pudding!! No cussing is allowed on Karamea Ministry of Red Tape premises!!
Baron Von Rich Toffee: Fokker Tri Plane!!

Baron Von Rich Toffee:
Red Scarlett: Mile high ménage à trois! Outrageous!!!
Baron Von Rich Toffee: Vere is ze Yuppette fraulein???
Red Scarlett: Sit down old boy!! Bad news I’m afraid!!
Baron Von Rich Toffee: Vot is wrong??
Red Scarlett: You are a foreign national trespassing without customs clearance on Official Karamea of Ministry of Red Tape property! You are under arrest. Chopper here will guard you while I have morning tea!
Chopper!: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!
Baron Von Rich Toffee: Nein!! Schwein Hundt!!!!!
Chopper!: S…l….u….r…p !!! W……O…….L……….F!!!!!!!!!!!!
Red Scarlett: Chopper!!!! How rude! Do you ever say grace????
Chopper!: Burp!!!
“Thoughts from Within” by Woody Harrelson
THOUGHTS FROM WITHIN
By Woody Harrelson
I sometimes feel like an alien creature
for which there is no earthly explanation
Sure I have human form
walking erect and opposing digits,
but my mind is upside down.
I feel like a run-on sentence
in a punctuation crazy world.
and I see the world around me
like a mad collective dream.
An endless stream of people
move like ants from the freeway
cell phones, pc’s, and digital displays
“In Money We Trust,”
we’ll find happiness
the prevailing attitude;
like a genetically modified irradiated Big Mac
is somehow symbolic of food.
Morality is legislated
prisons over-populated
religion is incorporated
the profit-motive has permeated all activity
we pay our government to let us park on the street
And war is the biggest money-maker of all
we all know missile envy only comes from being small.
Politicians and prostitutes
are comfortable together
I wonder if they talk about the strange change in the weather.
This government was founded by, of, and for the people
but everybody feels it
like a giant open sore
they don’t represent us anymore
And blaming the President for the country’s woes
is like yelling at a puppet
for the way it sings
Who’s the man behind the curtain pulling the strings?
A billion people sitting watching their TV
in the room that they call living
but as for me
I see living as loving
and since there is no loving room
I sit on the grass under a tree
dreaming of the way things used to be
Pre-Industrial Revolution
which of course is before the rivers and oceans, and skies were polluted
before Parkinson’s, and mad cows
and all the convoluted cacophony of bad ideas
like skyscrapers, and tree paper, and earth rapers
like Monsanto and Dupont had their way
as they continue to today.
This was Pre-us
back when the buffalo roamed
and the Indian’s home
was the forest, and God was nature
and heaven was here and now
Can you imagine clean water, food, and air
living in community with animals and people who care?
Do you dare to feel responsible for every dollar you lay down
are you going to make the rich man richer
or are you going to stand your ground
You say you want a revolution
a communal evolution
to be a part of the solution
maybe I’ll be seeing you around
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