Back-Seat Driver Jesus
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Love You Long-Time Jesus
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MacJesus
You Da Man Jesus
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DJ Jesus II
Karamea Ministry of Red Tape
Office Manager Red Scarlett
Red Scarlett
Complaints Officer Roget Thesaurus
Roget Thesaurus
Roget: Good afternoon sir. Welcome to the Karamea Ministry of Red Tape.
Boronski: Dobroe vecher comrade. I wish complain to officials.
Boronski
Roget: You wish to lodge an official complaint?
Boronski: Da!
Roget: Please state the nature of your complaint.
Boronski: Da! I biking Heaphy Track in one day starting at 6 am, now big tiredness.
Roget: Ah! Chronic fatigue syndrome.
Boronksi: How catching syndrome?
Roget: Highly infectious! I read in the Encyclopedia of Dublin that you can catch this from wild bees!
Boronski: What can doing?
Roget: You need to fill out an official complaints form.
Boronski: BZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
SLAP!
Boronski: Uh! What slapping me?
Roget: Wake up Boronski! You need to sign a this Karamea Ministry of Red Tape form U81B
Boronski: Da!
Roget: The requisite fee is $475.
Boronski: Bolshoe Krasny Kapusta!!! (Big red cabbage!!!) 7 years in wages in Siberian Salt Mines!
Siberian Salt Mines
Roget: Can you not afford the fee!
Boronski: Can afford fee! I owning salt mines!
Roget: Mmmm. Roubles! Ok, Karamea Bureau de Change exchange rate of 500-1 compounded by multi hypothetical superfluous factors and duplicitous rhetorical contingency currency fluctuations and ascribed with Irish rounding that will be one million two hundred and seventy five thousand three hundred and thirty eight roubles and twenty three kopecs!
Boronski: Chernay Sobake! (Black Dog!) Your babooshka bagging lady for Mafia!
Red Scarlett: Plus one thousand dollars Imperial War Tax!.
Boronski: Zaplesnevloi molodoi soyir!!! (Mouldy green cheese!)
Roget: Yawn!
Boronski: Storonski! You catching big fatigue.
Roget: Yawn! Mmmm! Third party litigious indemnity. Another two million roubles!
Boronski: You bankrupting me!
Roget: Would you care to see our insolvency officer who specialises in liquidations?
Boronski: Nyet! Please not firing squad!
Roget: Ok. Please sign this. Karamea Minstry of Red Tape ransom form UO7K or Invercargill Gulag!
Boronski: Nyet! Aaagghhh!
Red Scarlett: Calm down comrade! Have a special coffee!
Boronski: S..l..u..r..p! Z..z..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Red Scarlett: Quick check his pockets!
Roget: Chocolate!!!!
Red Scarlett: Right give him a shot of gluten free truth serum!
Roget: Ok! Let me see! 50cc of sodium penthouse barbie doll.
Boronksi: Owski! What doing?
Red Scarlett: Ok Boris! What is your secret?
Boronski: Not smoking until I three, not drinking wodka while I sleeping and eating Mamas Borsch!
Red Scarlett: Tell us about your girlfriend!
Boronski: Da! Slender neck, big waist, black top, big spirit!
Red Scarlett: Does she look anything like this?
Boronski: Da! Smirnoffska! Baby!
Red Scarlett: What is your account number?
Boronski: Nyet accounts! Paying all debts on first of month!
Roget: Dumbkopfski! Your current bank account number!
Boronski: Allerging to currants! Achooski!
Red Scarlett: See this in my right hand Boris?
Boronski: Da! Vodering pistolaet!
Red Scarlett: Nyet! MAGNUM!!!!
Boronski: Champagne!!! Sozzoloski!!!
Red Scarlett: Here Rog you do it! I just had baked beans for morning tea!
Roget: Wait! Look! Sergeant Paddy Locks is outside in his Police wagon. He will catch us red handed!
Boronksi: Nyet! Smersh executioner! Mama!
Red Scarlett: Excuse me Sergeant!
Sergeant Paddy Locks: Que?
Sergeant Paddy Locks
Red Scarlett: This Russian spy Boronski is on the Interpol 100 most wanted list!
KABOOM!!!
Red Scarlett: Ai Caramba! You didn’t have to shoot him!
Sergeant Paddy Locks: Just doing my duty! Roget had two outstanding parking tickets!!!
Boronski: Zaroffski!!! I cured! No more big fatiguing syndrome! Starushka!!!
Sergeant Paddy Locks: I am seizing this chocolate in the name of the law!
Red Scarlett: Over my……
Sergeant Paddy Locks: Roget! He is still breathing!
Kaboom!!!
Red Scarlett: You missed!
Boronski: Izvinite pozhalusta tovarish! (Excuse me please comrade!)
Kaboom!!!
Sergeant Paddy Locks: Mmmm! Whittakers extra cacao!
Red Scarlett: Mmmmmmm! Double caramel!
Boronski: Mmmm! Salut!
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The West Coast of the South Island of New Zealand is a slice of paradise sandwiched between the roaring Tasman Sea and the majestic Southern Alps. It extends 600 kilometres from the subtropical north at Karamea to the temperate south at Jackson’s Bay. Along its length are a smorgasbord of activities, a feast of scenic splendour and a banquet of opportunity for wondrous experience through vivacity and adventure or via blissful relaxation.
From the first glimpse of the morning sun over the impressive alps to the east to when it sinks into the Tasman in the evening, your day will be filled with discovery, fascination and wonder…the West Coast is the best coast…take your time and enjoy the experience of being in one of the greatest, wild places on Earth.
This is an invitation to indulge yourself in the wondrous West Coast, to explore the many facets of this scenic jewel and take home with you fantastic memories of an unforgettable holiday. The West Coast is a holiday destination in itself, there is something for everyone here, take you time, relax, listen to the birdsong, smell the flowers, photograph the stunning scenery, chat to the colourful “Coasters” you meet along the way and find for yourself a secret, special place…somewhere just for you to unwind, be free and discover yourself in the bosom of Mother Nature.
For more detailed information, track guides, books on flora, fauna, history and Coast life, help with accommodation, weather reports and local knowledge, drop in at the many information centres and ask the affable and conversant staff about each region along the West Coast.
Ever since the lure of gold in the 1860s, people from around the globe have been flocking to the West Coast of New Zealand’s South Island. The economy exploded during the gold rush years, crashed when it ended and has bumped along with the emergence of lesser industries of flax milling, timber milling and stabilised somewhat through dairying and now tourism. It is currently the fastest growing regional economy in the New Zealand. The Coast took an economic hit with the 2002 decision by the federal government to halt native timber logging, but it is again finding its way to prosperity through the relatively new industry of tourism, the booming dairy industry and its old stalwarts—coal and gold mining.
All along the Coast evidence of investment and development is evident, houses are being renovated, fresh paint and home extensions, new sub-divisions and businesses catering to the burgeoning tourist industry are opening their doors to the world. Projections by Statistics N.Z. show no end in sight for the popularity of the region for overseas visitors and domestic travellers alike.
The free and easy West Coast lifestyle and relatively inexpensive real estate allows people to establish quirky businesses to pursue their passions and make a living by doing exactly as they please…you’ll find all sorts of unusual business ventures, curiosity shops, galleries and artisans along the West Coast and in them you’ll find people filled with the contentment and happiness that only comes from following your dreams.
Maori discovered the West Coast around 700 years ago and it was later explored by intrepid men like Charles Brunner and Charlie Douglas, who ventured into the unknown and reported on its mystery. Gold and coal mining, flax milling, sphagnum moss collection and the timber and dairy industries then developed the Coast. Today people come to appreciate the Coast’s natural beauty rather than to plunder its natural wealth…nature has finally triumphed over man.
“Toitu he kainga; whatu-ngarongaro he tangata” “People come and go, but the land endures.”
Maori proverb
To maximise your enjoyment of the West Coast, take your time, slow down to match the pace of life and work with the weather…if it is raining, which it occasionally does on the Coast, visit any of the numerous museums and delve into the region’s fascinating history, check out the many art galleries, visit Shantytown, a replica 19th century gold rush town, drop in at a local pub and have a chat with a friendly “Coaster,” go underground and explore a limestone cave system…pretty soon, the sun will again be shining and you can resume your outdoor adventures. If you take plenty of time and work with the Coast, the Coast will work with you and you’ll have the time of your life.
“We have a great deal of disagreeable weather, an a small proportion of bad weather, but in no part of the world, I believe, does Nature so thoroughly understand how to make fine days as in New Zealand.”
(Lady Barker 1870)
The diversity in scenic beauty is a feature of the West Coast, around every bend awaits a stunning new vista. The Southern Alps are petrified Gods to the Maori people…travelling along the West Coast is a spiritual experience. As you observe the mountains, forests, cloud formations, crashing waves, rocky outcrops and raging rivers, it often seems like the scenery is watching you…yes, it is very easy to accept that the West Coast is where the Gods of nature live. There are faces in the clouds, in the landscape and the dense forest, these are the Gods watching over and protecting travellers as they pass, please enjoy, but respect our sacred coast.
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By Paul Murray
Way up north as far as you can drive; you’ll arrive at the warmest, driest place on the wonderful West Coast. Karamea has a great climate year round and the drive from Westport is spectacular, so take your time, stop often and enjoy the many interesting spots along the way. Nestled between the densely forested mountains of the Kahurangi National Park and the Tasman Sea, Karamea is a geographical island paradise, connected to the rest of New Zealand by the stunningly scenic 100-kilometre “bridge” road north of Westport.
The road to Karamea is one of the most beautiful drives in the world and affords stunning views of the Tasman coast, river valleys, verdant forest and jagged mountain ranges. The journey takes you along the coast through the charming seaside villages of Granity, Ngakawau and Hector and across the Mohikuniui River before heading into the mountains of the Kahurangi National Park, you’ll pass ancient tree giants, beneath majestic tree ferns and go high over the Karamea Bluff before dropping into the broad alluvial coastal plain at Little Wanganui. You’ll pass happily grazing dairy herds on lush green pasture, the expansive Otumahana Lagoon and over the mighty Karamea River before arriving in the beautiful hamlet of Karamea…getting there is just the beginning of your adventure.
In Karamea, you’ll find the largest limestone arch in the Southern Hemisphere, limestone caves with glow worms and the bones of a giant moa, rushing rivers to raft, forests to explore, mountains to climb and beaches to roam…Karamea is often referred to at the West Coast’s “best kept secret.”
Westport is the gateway to the Northern West Coast. It is at the end of the Lewis Pass road from Christchurch, which enters the West Coast region at Maruia Springs…you’ll know you’re entering the West Coast when the forest starts to thicken, the mountains become more majestic, the air gets fresher and the climate improves. Westport is right on the coast and is a great base exploring the region’s many attractions. There are adventure activities like jet boating, rafting, caving and horse trekking, as well as coal mine tours, the Coal Town museum and much more to do in Westport. The smart traveller will turn north and head up to Karamea after exploring Westport region and visit the quaint coastal towns of Granity, Hector, Ngakawa, Mokihinui and Seddonville before heading over the spectacular bluff road through the Kahurangi National Park to Karamea.
To the south lies Cape Foulwind. Ship captains, who found it difficult to fill their sails due to lack of breeze, rather than the evil aroma the name suggests, named the cape.
Palmerston Street Westport (Photo Supplied by Tourism West Coast)
Situated equidistant between Punakaiki and Westport, this quaint little town once boasted 94 hotels, was home to 18,000 people and was considered as a possible location for the capital city of New Zealand. The town boomed on the back of the gold rush and from 1866 to 1884 it was perhaps the most happening place in New Zealand. Only one of the many gold mines that used to operate in the area is still working and guided tours of the Mitchell’s Gully Gold Mine workings includes a working a battery stamper powered by a water wheel that pulverises gold-bearing quartz rock to release its riches.
The Underworld Adventures company operates out of Charleston and conducts a range of limestone cave and underworld rafting guided tours in the Paparoa National Park. Educational, exciting and fabulous fun, the company’s tours are great value and begin with a little train ride through stunning rainforest and beneath towering limestone cliffs.
UnderWorld Adventures Cave
Ingenious feat of engineering excellence, the Denniston incline was the steepest railway ever built and it was powered by gravity. The weight of a laden coal truck being lowered to the rail yard at Waimangaroa was used to lift goods and people in empty coal buckets to the top of the hill. The brakeman, who applied friction to the cable at the Denniston summit, controlled the speed of the bucket. The experience of riding to the top of the mountain in a coal bucket at the mercy of the brakeman was apparently so harrowing that some of the women who successfully completed the journey never again left the mountain such was their terror at the mere thought of again having to take the fearful ride.
Reefton Townsfolk (Photo Courtesy of Tourism West Coast)
Reefton is considered the gateway to the West Coast for travellers from the east. The region is all about history. Built on gold, the town dates back to the 1860s and retains much of its old-world charm today. The main street of the town has a Western movie set feel and many of the buildings lining Broadway Street date back to the 1870s. Reefton was the first town in New Zealand to have electric lighting, which was switched on in 1888, just six years after Thomas Edison’s technology first lit the streets of New York.
Coal mining supported the region in the 1900s and these days, gold and coal mining remain the community’s economic foundation. The historically high gold price of late has boosted the local economy and given the region a surge of development and much of the town has been renovated to retain its historic appeal. The drive between Reefton and Westport along the Buller Gorge is enchanting; there are many places to pull over, stop and breath in the scenic splendour of the raging Buller River and the giant white clouds that rise from the steep forested valley.
Swing Bridge over Hokitika Gorge (Photo by Paul Murray)
The vibrant town of Hokitika is perhaps the most artistic and creative urban centre on the West Coast. Artisans work with local materials; gold, silver, pounamu greenstone, driftwood, paua shell and stone to create a tremendous array of fine art pieces, jewellery and sculpture that make for excellent souvenirs as you’ll be taking home a piece of the West Coast lovingly fashioned into an original work of art by a Coaster.
A good starting point would be the stately Carnegie Building, which houses the West Coast Historical Museum and the information centre. The museum has an exceptional collection of both Maori and European artefacts, a documentary video display of the region’s history and a gallery of local painting and sculpture. Another attraction for visitors is the Saturday outdoor market on the bank of the Hokitika River. The market showcases the talents of local artists and craftspeople and fresh produce is also sold. Hokitika is an excellent base for exploring the area and a visit to Hokitika Gorge, Lake Kaniere, the Ross goldfields and Kumara regions will be highly rewarding.
Hokitika Cemetery is also a very interesting place to visit as it has the graves of South Westland explorer and philosopher Charles Douglas, as well as that of Eric Stanley Graham, the West Coast’s most infamous mass murderer. Graham, a dairy farmer, ran amok in 1941, fatally shooting seven men, four of which were policemen. Graham was wounded and later died of his injuries and was later buried in a nondescript grave at Hokitika Cemetery in a row of graves that includes two of his victims. A monument recalling the tragic incident now stands at Kowhitirangi and can be seen on the road to Hokitika Gorge.
Hokitika Gorge (Photo by Paul Murray)
Among the many gravestones, people from the world over are represented; some of the headstones are in Hebrew, Chinese and other languages and the many New Zealand soldiers lost in the Boer, Vietnam and both World Wars reflect the great sacrifice made by New Zealand in the service of her allies. The cemetery looks out over the Tasman Sea and is a very interesting place to stroll around and reflect on yesteryear.
The National Kiwi Centre has live kiwi, tuatara and giant eels on display and you can carve your own greenstone pendant at Bonz n Stonz, or take a leisurely cruise on calm waters through virgin rainforest on a paddleboat…Hokitika has a plethora of sightseeing and all-weather activities for the whole family.
It was here that the largest gold nugget in New Zealand was found in 1909. The “Honourable Roddy Nugget” was as big as a man’s fist and weighed 99 ounces. It was purchased by the N.Z. government and presented to King George V as a coronation gift. A 1950 enquiry about the whereabouts of the nugget to the Royal Family resulted in the embarrassed Imperial Household reporting that the nugget had been melted down to gild a Royal tea service! (Further discomfiture ensued when the said tea service could not be located).
(There is some conjecture over the nugget’s origin. Some consider the “Honourable Roddy” was in fact found in Australia and smuggled to New Zealand by dishonourable diggers and planted at Ross to fraudulently inflate the sale price of their gold claim).
The land beneath the township of Ross has never been mined and a Ministry of Commerce geologist estimated in 1993 that gold deposits of about $700 million lie under the town.
The loop walkway around the pancake rocks at Punakaiki is one of the most popular tourist spots on the West Coast. An easily accessible walkway that is wheelchair friendly winds through the nikau palms, cabbage trees and flax to a spectacular layered limestone formation that has been shaped by the elements and crashing waves from the Tasman Sea. At hight tide in a big sea, the waves crashing into the limestone force water into cracks and crevasses and up through blowholes in the rock to create huge plumes of salty spray in which rainbows can often be seen. People of all ages will enjoy this walk and the stunning coastal views.
Opposite the entrance to the blowhole loop track is Punakaiki Crafts, a West Coast artist’s cooperative. Punakaiki Crafts has an international reputation for excellence and the work many of the Coast’s most creative artists and craftspeople is available for sale. From warm possum skin lingerie, creative and unique Coast jewellery to smiling driftwood fish, Punakaiki Crafts is a great place to pick up a quality souvenir from the West Coast.
Punakaiki Township (Photo Supplied by Tourism West Coast)
There are also some great tramps in the Punakaiki area from the sedate Truman Track, which meanders through the rainforest to a stunning coastal view, to the more challenging Inland Pack Track into the heart of limestone country. The Pororari and Punakaiki rivers offer fabulous canoeing, safe swimming and bird watching activities and there are also many caves in the region and horse riding along the beach is the embodiment of freedom.
Punakaiki Pancake Rocks (Photo Supplied by Tourism West Coast)
Between Punakaiki and Greymouth, Barrytown is situated on an expansive fertile plain between mountains and sea and is a perfect location for an extended “away from it all” break. The area has many retreat-type accommodation facilities suitable for families or for a romantic escape.
Right in the heart of Arthur’s Pass National Park, this idyllic alpine village is a warm and cosy base for mountaineers, alpinists and nature lovers to explore the peaks and valleys, forests, waterfalls, rivers and snowfields in close proximity to the town. Inquisitive Kea, a native alpine parrot, can be seen in and around the village. Prone to mischief, Kea are extremely curious and playful, they pose for photographs and sometimes try to dismantle your car with their sharp beaks and strong talons. They have been known to open unattended packs to sample hiker’s lunches and souvenir tourist’s cameras and flown off with them into the forest.
This fabulous old pub was once a coach stop between the Canterbury and the West Coast. It is still a great location to break up the drive in either direction, and an excellent place for breakfast, lunch or dinner. Down the road is probably the best camper van facility in New Zealand. Jacksons Retreat has all-weather camping facilities and a great view of the Taramakau River and the mountains around Lake Brunner.
Otira was once a busy town that serviced construction gangs working on the 8-kilometre Otira tunnel, which opened in 1923 and enabled rail transport between Christchurch and Greymouth. It flourished as a rail town until road transport and buses took over much of the freight and people transport in New Zealand and gradually became a ghost town on the way to Greymouth. The town’s raison de’etre ceased to exist, employment opportunities faded, the people moved on and eventually, all the houses stood empty and the businesses closed. However, the entire town—the pub, 17 houses, the fire station and engine, the swimming pool, school, railway station and community hall–was purchased in 1997 by entrepreneurs Chris and Bill Hennah for the princely sum of $78,000. In the past decade, they have been working hard to restore the town’s infrastructure and rebuild the services and facilities it once offered.
Otira is a very interesting place to stop and have a break and it is also possible to stay at the historic hotel, in one of the renovated houses, or the backpackers there to explore the town and the many walking tracks in the area.
As the commercial hub of the West Coast, Greymouth is centrally located and is the Coast’s largest town. All roads lead to Greymouth as well as the scenic Tranz Alpine train line, which terminates in Greymouth after traversing the Southern Alps on its way west from Christchurch. The town is replete with fine restaurants, museums, art galleries, amenities, facilities and services you would expect from a major urban centre. A number of sport fishing charter boats operate out of Greymouth between July to September and some record blue fin tuna have been caught off the Coast recently. Greymouth is also home to the famous Monteith’s Brewery and tours of the facility and beer tasting is a great activity in any weather (sorry kids, this one is for mum and dad only).
Across the Grey River is the suburb of Cobden, which has some marvellous day walks along driftwood-strewn pebble beaches and along the Tasman coast.
From Greymouth on most days, a clear view of the large looming Southern Alps suggests much awaits the traveller heading south. Greymouth represents a botanical turning point and the forest changes from nikau palm groves, pohutukawa and other more tropical trees fade out and are replaced by more cold-tolerant varieties such as rimu, kahikatea and beech forests.
Home of the N.Z. Labour Party, Blackball was the site of a miners strike in 1908 when the miners downed tools seeking a 15 minute extension to their lunch 15-minute lunch break. The successful strike paved the way for similar action by miners across the country and from it workers nationwide were empowered. The town is on a plateau with views of the peaks of the Paparoa Range. The many walks in this region are centred on the remnants of the region’s gold and coal mining history.
“Formerly the Blackball Hilton” a historic hotel in Blackball, was formerly called the “Blackball Hilton.” However, a sternly worded letter from lawyers representing the Hilton family suggested that legal action would be taken against the owners of the old pub if they didn’t change the name of the establishment. Not wishing to enter into a protracted legal challenge with such a deep-pocketed opponent the publicans duly changed the name.
The BlackBall Hilton (Photo by Dan Goodwin)
New Zealand’s premier historic attraction. This replica township has been constructed from buildings from round the West Coast and recreates the atmosphere and style of a West Coast boomtown. Shantytown has working stores in the style of the late 1800’s as well as a steam train, sawmill, goldfields, water races, a shebeen, a hospital, bank, jail, gold panning activities, a Chinese mining settlement and a fabulous display of relics and artefacts from the heady days of the Gold Rush.
Shanty Town, Greymouth (Photo by Paul Murray)
Lake Brunner (Photo by Paul Murray)
A raft of aquatic activities await you at Lake Brunner as well as numerous scenic and historic bushwalks around the lake that take in the region’s gold mining and timber milling history. One of the best trout fishing locations in New Zealand with year-round fishing possibilities, local fishing guides, tackle and bait supplies and plenty of fishing stories at the Moana Hotel in Moana, the main township on the lake. Lake Brunner is a fabulous location for a family holiday ands is one of the West Coast’s fastest growing tourist destinations. The Tranz Alpine train stops at Moana and it is possible to disembark here and enjoy the lake for a few days before heading on to Greymouth and beyond.
On the way to Lake Brunner from Greymouth a detour to the Jack’s Mill School historic reserve is very rewarding. The school principal Edward Darracott was a inspiring and innovative leader who believed in teaching his students how to think for themselves as well as providing them with practical skills that they could apply to their lives. The students built beautifully landscaped gardens and constructed a 3/4-sized bungalow and in the process developed gardening skills, botany, architecture, carpentry, bricklaying, plastering, painting, surveying, report writing and other abilities. Darracott believed that if the students were actively involved in the beautification of the school grounds and creating an aesthetically pleasing environment, that it would promote inner harmony in the students. The school grounds are in the process of being restored by a group of former students and the Department of Conservation. The school, bungalow and grounds are recognised by the New Zealand Historical Places Trust.
To stand at the terminal face of a massive frozen river and feel the weight and might of this natural phenomenon is a truly humbling. To then strap crampons to your boots and climb upon the glacier and explore its crevasses and folds is an incredible experience. Glacier Country is understandably one of the most popular destinations on the West Coast. Outside of Argentina, New Zealand is the only country where glaciers extend their icy tongues into the temperate rainforest and grind to a halt only 250 metres above sea level. Government geologist Julius von Haast named Franz Josef Glacier in 1863 after the then Austro-Hungarian Emperor. Franz Josef is a hive of activity year-round. There are helicopters buzzing overhead, buses coming and going and throngs of sightseers browsing around the town and enjoying the many fine restaurants and cafes as well as the excellent information centre, which has models of the region and loads of information about the glacier, it’s history, geology and physiography. Two glacier guiding companies operate out of Franz Josef as well as a number of helicopter and fixed-wing scenic flight companies that will take you high above the mountains and can even land on the upper reaches of the glacier for a truly incredible natural experience in white and blue.
Rare white heron (kotoku) nest at the Waitangi Roto Nature Reserve in the summer months and guided tours, which include a jet boat ride to the sanctuary, is a wonderful way to observe these most regal and elegant birds tend their young.
The Kotuku Gallery in the main street has a fine collection of Maori artefacts, craft and artworks.
It was here in 1931 that Australian pilot and adventurer Guy Menzies completed the first solo flight across the Tasman Sea from Australia to New Zealand. Menzies crash landed and his craft—the Southern Cross Junior–came to rest wheels up in a swamp. Much controversy surrounded the flight as Menzies had informed the authorities in Australia that he would be flying across Australia west to Perth, however, shortly after takeoff, he banked east and took on the Tasman. He completed the flight in 11 hours and 45 minutes. A quaint little rural town, Hari Hari has a lot to offer trampers, anglers, deer hunters, bird watchers and sightseers.
The 16-kilometre drive off the coast road to the charmingly quaint coastal town of Okarito will be rewarded with stunning panoramic views of the august jaws of the Southern Alps, an expansive and peaceful estuarial lagoon teeming with bird life and the solitude and calm for which this special place is renowned. An obelisk commemorates the first recorded sighting of New Zealand by Abel Tasman near here in 1642 as well as the charting of the coast by Captain James Cook in 1770.
Fox Glacier Guide (Photo by Paul Murray)
A lovely little village at the foot of the largest glacier on the West Coast. The town offers a more intimate glacier experience as the town is smaller than it’s neighbour Franz Josef. The Fox Glacier Guiding Company has been conducting ice tours since 1928 and offers a range of half and full day hikes on the ice as well as several heli-trek options ranging in duration from several hours to several days. Training courses for aspiring alpinists and ice-climbing excursions are also on offer for the more adventurous. Interestingly, the Fox Glacier—unlike most of the world’s glaciers—has been advancing sine 1985.
Stunning walk for all ages around a still and peaceful lake that on a clear day perfectly mirrors the Southern Alps and the giant snow-capped peaks of New Zealand’s highest mountains; Mt Cook and Mt Tasman.
Lake Matheson (Photo Supplied by Tourism West Coast)
Walk along a wild, stony beach littered with driftwood past old gold workings, tunnels and abandoned machinery through the forest to a seal colony where seals can be observed in their natural state…lolling about on the beach, fighting, lumbering along, and plunging into the ocean from the rocks.
Seals at colony on Gillespies Beach (Photo by Paul Murray)
Here the coast road emerges from the forest canyon to reveal sweeping coastal views of the bipolar Tasman Sea, which ranges from a millpond to a thrashing turbulent maelstrom, depending on how it is feeling.
Wood carving at Bruce Bay Marae (Photo by Paul Murray)
To paddle a kayak or canoe on this peaceful mirror lake inspires reflection and introspection. Surrounded by ancient kahikatea tree giants and steep mountains, the lake offers tranquil sanctuary from the dense forest. A walk through the forest at Monro Beach will bring you to a calm bay of stones and shells where rare Fiordland Crested penguins (Tawaki) can be seen from July to January. Guided tours are available for guests at Lake Moeraki Wilderness Lodge. Please take care not to disturb the birds, observe them from a distance and respect their habitat.
The southernmost settlement on the West Coast is also its only seaport. A calm and sheltered bay is home to a few hardy Coasters, a small fishing fleet and Fiordland crested, blue penguins, fur seals and dolphins can be easily seen most days. The drive to Jackson Bay should be rewarded with a meal at The Cray Pot, which serves a bounty of seafood from local waters.
Jacksons Bay Wharf (Photo by Paul Murray)
Located at the heart of the South West New Zealand UNESCO World Heritage Area, Haast is a wild, untamed and wonderful place. Today the word “untouched” has become a synonym for beautiful, when it really means “pristine.” The Haast region is one of the genuinely untouched accessible places left on Earth. Here mighty rivers, giant trees, ferocious seas and tempestuous weather combine to create an emotive masterpiece of natural splendour. The World Heritage Information Centre is perhaps the best such facility n New Zealand and has a wealth of information, photographs, displays, maps and charts on the region’s history, geography, flora and fauna.
Designated a World Heritage Area by UNESCO in 1991, the South-West New Zealand (Te Wahipounamu) World Heritage Area covers 2.6 million hectares, or about 10% of New Zealand. Other World Heritage Areas include; Mt Everest, the Great Barrier Reef and the Grand Canyon.
Haast River (Photo by Paul Murray)
Maori knew this spectacular, wild and remote region as “Kaika Paeki,” “Place of Abundant Food.” They visit the area to hunt and fish and stock up on supplies as they made their way to the West Coast from Otago and Southland in search of pounamu greenstone. Today, Makarora offers a range of outdoor activities, day walks and more challenging multiple-day walks up and down mountains, across rivers and along pristine valleys.
The West Coast of the South Island of New Zealand is a slice of paradise sandwiched between the roaring Tasman Sea and the majestic Southern Alps. It extends 600 kilometres from the subtropical north at Karamea to the temperate south at Jackson’s Bay. Along its length are a smorgasbord of activities, a feast of scenic splendour and a banquet of opportunity for wondrous experience through vivacity and adventure or via blissful relaxation.
From the first glimpse of the morning sun over the impressive alps to the east to when it sinks into the Tasman in the evening, your day will be filled with discovery, fascination and wonder…the West Coast is the best coast…take your time and enjoy the experience of being in one of the greatest, wild places on Earth.
This is an invitation to indulge yourself in the wondrous West Coast, to explore the many facets of this scenic jewel and take home with you fantastic memories of an unforgettable holiday. The West Coast is a holiday destination in itself, there is something for everyone here, take you time, relax, listen to the birdsong, smell the flowers, photograph the stunning scenery, chat to the colourful “Coasters” you meet along the way and find for yourself a secret, special place…somewhere just for you to unwind, be free and discover yourself in the bosom of Mother Nature.
For more detailed information, track guides, books on flora, fauna, history and Coast life, help with accommodation, weather reports and local knowledge, drop in at the many information centres and ask the affable and conversant staff about each region along the West Coast.
Ever since the lure of gold in the 1860s, people from around the globe have been flocking to the West Coast of New Zealand’s South Island. The economy exploded during the gold rush years, crashed when it ended and has bumped along with the emergence of lesser industries of flax milling, timber milling and stabilised somewhat through dairying and now tourism. It is currently the fastest growing regional economy in the New Zealand. The Coast took an economic hit with the 2002 decision by the federal government to halt native timber logging, but it is again finding its way to prosperity through the relatively new industry of tourism, the booming dairy industry and its old stalwarts—coal and gold mining.
All along the Coast evidence of investment and development is evident, houses are being renovated, fresh paint and home extensions, new sub-divisions and businesses catering to the burgeoning tourist industry are opening their doors to the world. Projections by Statistics N.Z. show no end in sight for the popularity of the region for overseas visitors and domestic travellers alike.
The free and easy West Coast lifestyle and relatively inexpensive real estate allows people to establish quirky businesses to pursue their passions and make a living by doing exactly as they please…you’ll find all sorts of unusual business ventures, curiosity shops, galleries and artisans along the West Coast and in them you’ll find people filled with the contentment and happiness that only comes from following your dreams.
Maori discovered the West Coast around 700 years ago and it was later explored by intrepid men like Charles Brunner and Charlie Douglas, who ventured into the unknown and reported on its mystery. Gold and coal mining, flax milling, sphagnum moss collection and the timber and dairy industries then developed the Coast. Today people come to appreciate the Coast’s natural beauty rather than to plunder its natural wealth…nature has finally triumphed over man.
“Toitu he kainga; whatu-ngarongaro he tangata” “People come and go, but the land endures.”
Maori proverb
To maximise your enjoyment of the West Coast, take your time, slow down to match the pace of life and work with the weather…if it is raining, which it occasionally does on the Coast, visit any of the numerous museums and delve into the region’s fascinating history, check out the many art galleries, visit Shantytown, a replica 19th century gold rush town, drop in at a local pub and have a chat with a friendly “Coaster,” go underground and explore a limestone cave system…pretty soon, the sun will again be shining and you can resume your outdoor adventures. If you take plenty of time and work with the Coast, the Coast will work with you and you’ll have the time of your life.
“We have a great deal of disagreeable weather, an a small proportion of bad weather, but in no part of the world, I believe, does Nature so thoroughly understand how to make fine days as in New Zealand.”
(Lady Barker 1870)
The diversity in scenic beauty is a feature of the West Coast, around every bend awaits a stunning new vista. The Southern Alps are petrified Gods to the Maori people…travelling along the West Coast is a spiritual experience. As you observe the mountains, forests, cloud formations, crashing waves, rocky outcrops and raging rivers, it often seems like the scenery is watching you…yes, it is very easy to accept that the West Coast is where the Gods of nature live. There are faces in the clouds, in the landscape and the dense forest, these are the Gods watching over and protecting travellers as they pass, please enjoy, but respect our sacred coast.
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Karamea Ministry of Red Tape
A New Zealand Government Department authorised by an Act of Parliament and by Royal Decree to Receive Official Complaints.
Office Manager – Red Scarlett. Senior Complaints Officer – Rob Bersdog
Karamea Ministry of Red Tape Office, Market Square, Karamea
Hyacinth: Good morning. I am here to lodge a serious complaint!
Rob Bersdog
Rob Bersdog: An Official Complaint Madam?
Hyacinth: I am not a Madam! I am virtuous Christian church goer. Yes, I would like to make an official complaint!
Rob Bersdog: So what is the nature of your complaint, babe?
Hyacinth: Well I purchased this chocolate fish from the Karamea Information Centre and look someone has eaten the tail before I bought it!
Rob Bersdog: How outrageous! Do you realise the seriousness of your complaint Miss ……???
Hyacinth
Hyacinth: Miss Camelia! No! How serious is my complaint?
Rob Bersdog: Mmmm! Let me see… Ministry of Red Tape Complaint 714/3 “To whit. Did purchase aforesaid chocolate fish minus cranial obtrusion!” Wow! This complaint properly prosecuted could result in lengthy prison terms for the miscreants that have enacted this monstrous crime upon your good self!
Hyacinth: Good! Justice must prevail! Now look here young man and examine this chocolate fish very closely and you will note that the head has also been eaten and there are the incriminating teeth marks.
Rob Bersdog: Indeed! Rather scandalous Miss Camelia!
Hyacinth: You young people are not so sharp are you? Look it has been gutted, scaled and filleted as well!
Rob Bersdog: I see what you mean. How rude!!
Hyacinth: Now look closely Mr. … ???
Rob Bersdog: Bersdog!
Hyacinth: An act of vicious cruelty has seen someone cut off the dorsal fin.
Rob Bersdog: Sacre Rouge! In all my born days I have never seen such vicious depravity!
Hyacinth: (sob, sniffle) Look this poor innocent chocolate fish has also been skinned alive and had its pectorals, deltoids, abs and gluteus maximus removed!
Rob Bersdog: Shall we kneel down and pray for forgiveness!!
Hyacinth: No I want the perpetrators castrated!!
….knock… knock…..knock…
Red Scarlett: Come in Rob!
Red Scarlett
Rob Bersdog: I’ve got a live one Boss! Miss Hyacinth Camelia!
Red Scarlett: Excellent! Does she have a Gold Card?
Rob Bersdog: No, only her Pension Card.
Red Scarlett: Rats!! Does she have any gold fillings?
Rob Bersdog: No, she has got dentures!
Red Scarlett: Mmm! What would Uncle Shylock do in this situation? Right, bring her in I will deal with this problem!
Rob Bersdog: Excuse me Miss Camelia. The Manager Mr. Red Scarlett considers this complaint of such national significance that he will handle this complaint himself. Please step into his office.
Red Scarlett: Please take a seat Mademoiselle!
Hyacinth: Oh! What a nice office! What clan is that coat of arms on the wall?
Red Scarlett: Clan Scarlett. Notice the steel broad sword; a symbol of honesty, integrity and august sagacious administration.
Hyacinth: Why is the knight chopping off that young lady’s head!
Red Scarlett: That is symbolic of the Clan Scarlett requirement for precise dispensation of justice!
Hyacinth: But… but … why ..is the minister giving the last rites with a large bottle of Loch Craig in his left hand?
Red Scarlett: I believe he injured his right hand in a poker game!
Hyacinth: Why is the young lady being executed, dressed in a bodice??
Red Scarlett: Lady Sabrina was caught in fragrante delicto by my ancestor Sir Will Scarlett?
Hyacinth: Ooooh!! I imagine the ladies husband demanded the restoration of family honour by exacting the ultimate penalty!
Red Scarlett: Indeed! Sir William is executing his own wife!!
Hyacinth: Ooooh! Who was the cuckold!!
Red Scarlett: Well actually Sir William was a schizophrenic and he caught his wife canoodling with his alter ego!!
Hyacinth: Slut!! She deserved the chop!
Red Scarlett: Right, now the Ministry of Red tape exacts a particular fee for your category of complaint.
Hyacinth: But I am penniless. I lost all my savings which I invested in the Last Resort Diamond Mine share float!! In fact you were one of the trustees!!
Red Scarlett: Yes a rather unfortunate affair!! Now ..do.. you have any life insurance?
Hyacinth: Well yes! A rather large endowment policy with Lagos Assurance!!
Red Scarlett: Excellent! Now sign right here and the Ministry of Red Tape will take a lien on your policy as security for the complaint fee!!
Hyacinth: You’re hurting my hand!!
Red Scarlett: That’s it … Hyacinth Camelia. Well done!
Hyacinth: That is a nice gold watch you have on Mr. Scarlett!!
Red Scarlett: Yes .. a .. present .. from .. my mother!
Hyacinth: I do admire a man who wears a hand make silk suit. So dashing!!
Red Scarlett: cough cough .. I may be coming down with something! Aachoo!
Hyacinth: Bless you. Extraordinary!!! A Last Resort gold embroidered handkerchief and look diamond cuff links!!
beep … beep … beep….
Brunhilde: Ya!
Red Scarlett: Yes, a special coffee for Miss Hyacinth!!
Brunhilda: Yawhol!!
Hyacinth: Mmm this coffee is quite bitter! Can I have a teaspoon of sugar??
Brunhilda
Brunhilde
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Market Cross 4 Square Supermarket
The Big Man : Yeah g’day Sweeny two meat pies please! Yeah the Kaitangata extra chunky.
Sweeney Todd
Sweeny Todd : Would you like a haircut while you are waiting for me to microwave your pies!!
The Big Man : Not me! Hey Phil! I’ll shout you a haircut!
Sweeny Todd : Sit down Phil!! Mmmm how much do you weigh?
Phil : I’m 130 kgs of prime beef!!
Sweeny Todd : Bonza!!!
Phil : Hey do you cut woman’s hair?
Sweeny Todd : Of course, they are so much tastier!
Big Phil
Phil : Well could you cut this hair between my front teeth!
Sweeny Todd : Phil! Mate! You look a different man after you have been shorn!
Phil : Cheers for the pie Brian!
The Big Man : Tasty! A bit chewy and got a …. strange coffee taste!!
Red Scarlett : Morning lads. Meat pies!! Ahh…..
Phil : Yuk!!! This pie has got an ear in it!!
Red Scarlett : Ahh…. um…. do….. you wish to make a complaint?
Phil : You betcha!
Red Scarlett : An official complaint?
Phil : Oath!
Red Scarlett : Right I am commandeering this ear for evidential purposes.
The Big Man : Yuk!!! It looks like a human ear!
Red Scarlett : Au contraire .. it.. ah… appears to be a monkey’s ear!
Phil : A monkey’s ear!! Give me a look!
Red Scarlett : Gulp!
The Big Man : You swallowed it!
Red Scarlett : Yummy!! ! Definitely a monkey’s ear!
Phil : Yeah?? Hey Sweeny! Two more meat pies for me and The Big Man!
Big Man
Dog’s Eye
The Rongolian Star 
News Flash: New Rongolian Arrives on 1/11/11
Huge Win on Melbourne Cup Day!
Off the Top of My Head
By Paul Murray
I’m overjoyed to report that our first child “Buster” Murray was born on 1/11/11 at 2:44 a.m. in Nelson Hospital…I can also report that, other than the end result, there is absolutely NOTHING beautiful about childbirth…it’s more like a mixture of serious drug withdrawal and an exorcism…brutal pain, gnashing and grinding of teeth, blood, mucus, sweat…plenty of shouting, screaming, tears, involuntary twitching, praying, begging for mercy, hot flushes, cold shivers, uncontrollable shaking, a procession of uniformed officials performing rituals, probing orifices, inserting catheters, needles, tubes, and drips, swabbing and mopping as anxious relatives look on…Labour must be a construct of the devil…but my wife’s purgatorial suffering has produced a little angel…in her eyes we see the future…overwhelming tides of love flow from me when I see her smile…never have I seen such perfection…I can’t wait for you to meet her! I told her about The Rongolian Star and she burped, vomited and crapped herself!
…I should add that the replay of “The Exorcist” we experienced finished more like “Alien 1” as my wife eventually had a cesarian section (after 12 hours of demon banishing) and Diva emerged from my wife’s midsection looking not unlike the bloody, goo-covered extraterrestrial that popped out of Sigourney Weaver!
Anyway, we have a daughter…It has come to pass that she was born on the same day my father David died 28 years ago, so we chose a name from the letters of his name…Diva is also Latin for Goddess, and she can really wail…Grace is how we hope she’ll comport herself throughout her life…Enna is Japanese for lots of laughter.
If you’re interested in astrology…28 years is the time for theplanet Saturn to return to the same position in relation to Earth…Diva arrived in the same planetary alignment as when my father departed…One could argue that there is a 1 in 365 chance, but I like to think my Old Man has some sway in these matters!
Welcome to the world Diva Grace Enna Murray…nickname “Buster.”
Diva Grace Enna “Buster” Murray
Mother and Daughter doing very well…Father managing….
A few weeks before the birth, a Canadian friend rang and walked
me through the delivery procedure as he’s had two children and far more
experienced in these matters than I. He highly recommended huffing on the
nitrous oxide, which is freely provided to labouring mothers to help take
the edge off the pain. I took this exceptional advice with me to the
hospital and managed to action it on the day.
The N2O is delivered with oxygen and goes through a mixer at about 50/50
before being delivered to the agonised mother to be via a flexible plastic
hose with a mouthpiece attached. She sucks on the mouthpiece and the gas
flows. The mixer makes a rattling noise, like small stones in a bottle, to
indicate the gas is being delivered. It worked a treat for Sanae, whom I
thought was going to snuff it…the gas calmed her and she took to it much
like “Buster” is now taking to her breasts, but that is another story for
another day. Her contractions were coming around every 90 seconds, once
the pain maxed out, she stopped huffing, which is where I came in.
I first changed the mixer to 100% NOX and then had it jangling like Tito
Puente’s maracas! Half a dozen good hits on pure N2O certainly got the
brain going…distant things became quite close, everything went liquid
silver like mercury…angels were flapping about…that sort of thing…just
then, our midwife/GP returned to the room and seemed to
realise I wasn’t quite as she’d left me…in fact, she seemed quite
clinically interested in observing the effects of nitrous oxide on
pre-natal fathers…or perhaps that was a paranoiac symptom of the
NOX…I’ll never really know, anyway, she seemed to expect me to have
helped myself to the gas and didn’t seem at all bothered…she in fact
appeared rather amused. She then informed us that “Buster” would be born
on Melbourne Cup Day 1/11/11…and all I could think to say in response
was to repeat the childhood tongue twister…”One One was a racehorse, Two
Two was one too, 22 won one race, 11, won one too,” which, on reflection,
wasn’t bad under the circumstances!
In other news, Sanae appears to have developed a third breast. Apparently,
humans have a line of mammary glands running down their torso…rather
like sows. In Sanae’s case, the one under her right arm has activated and
is engorged with milk…so my wife is not only gorgeous, she now has three
tits! (I feel the cosmic worm is turning and our recent spell of bad luck
is about to change!) Diva’s arrival will change a whole lot of
things…all of them for the better.
Buster’s also something of a scatologist…I was holding her last night with my forearm under her bum and she released an explosive turd that had now where to go but up…she had shit all up her back and in her hair…her racy new white jumpsuit is a less fashionable shade of brown now…Sanae was less than impressed at the 3:00 a.m. malarkey, but took it all in her motherly stride and quietly changed her clobber, mopped her hair and back and reattached her for more ammunition…will she never learn?
Last week, I was changing her in the night and just as I had the old nappy off, she simultaneously sneezed and let fly with a fresh batch of baby poo that fired out under considerable pressure just clipping my left flank and leaving the wall behind me looking like the beginning of a Jackson Pollack…an abstract yellow streak up the wall that required some explanation to the less than impressed landlord…my claims that my child was merely expressing her creative talent and that I wouldn’t charge her for the artwork failed to convince her to refund our bond…some people just have no appreciation for modern abstract.
The other incident occurred halfway home when we stopped for lunch at the Riverside Cafe in Murchison. We woke Diva and proudly strolled into the restaurant among the customers carrying our new baby. We stopped by a couple who were enthusiastically hoeing into their lunch. They looked up at the waking Diva who proceeded to rip of a VERY loud and rather moist sounding fart tableside…the patrons visibly paled, their respective appetites evaporated as the stench wafted over their table and they seemed to concurrently decide that it was time to start dieting…must have been something wrong with the food!
She’s also learning about rugby…Sanae’s nipples were red raw and bleeding from the hammering they’ve taken in keeping the juice up to the growing bundle of joy. The midwife showed us a new breast-feeding hold she termed the “Rugby Hold.” The new hold positions the baby under the arm as you’d carry a rugby ball on the run. My role is to pass the baby and, in keeping with the rugby theme, have developed a kind of scrum ritual where by I say, “Crouch, touch, pause….engage.” She has become used to the routine, much as Pavlov’s dogs learned to salivate in the expectation of food…on the command of “crouch” her little mouth puckers up, on “touch” her eyes widen with anticipation, with “pause” her head starts to shake and the on “engage” I place her ready mouth on Sanae’s willing nipple and she commences enthusiastic suckling…hilarious! (With Sanae’s permission, I might film the ritual and send it to you…Sanae is getting quite used to getting her norks out in front of all and sundry, so why not share the joy on YouTube?)
“Murphy” Sanae and “Buster” Murray
“Buster” and Paul Murray
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